by Jill Shalvis
She heard Mark’s calm voice telling Lanie to call for an ambulance, felt him take her pulse.
“The baby,” she tried again, but Lanie was shakily telling someone to come in a hurry because there was a lot of blood.
When River managed to open her eyes again it was because someone took her hand.
Lanie, who smiled down at her, but it was one of those smiles that was full of fear and terror. Damn. She must look really bad. Like, on-death-row bad. “Delaney,” she said but Lanie just stroked the hair back from River’s face.
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “It’s going to be okay.”
Was it, though? Because it didn’t feel okay. She’d finally started to get her life together for herself and the baby, and now she was going to die right here on the floor and never see Delaney again.
Not that she was surprised. Karma always had been a bitch.
ONCE AGAIN LANIE found herself standing in the hospital waiting room, staring out the dark windows into the night, only this time it was so much, much worse.
The thing about Wildstone, there weren’t any city lights. It was so different from Santa Barbara, where she’d lived for so many years she’d nearly forgotten the beauty of the simple rolling hills, the stillness of the night, the peace and quiet . . .
Not that the hospital was peaceful or quiet. Behind her she could feel a wave of grief and panic and fear. She had her own wave going on, and she was still covered in blood.
River’s blood.
God, the vision of her bleeding out all over her cottage floor was going to haunt her until the end of time, as was the way she’d left things. Just thinking about it had her closing her eyes tight.
If River died, she’d never know the truth—that Lanie didn’t hate her. That, in fact, Lanie admired and respected her so very much.
According to the doctor who’d come out to talk to them, River had suffered a late postpartum hemorrhage and had nearly bled out on the way to the hospital. If Lanie and Mark hadn’t gotten to her when they had, she’d have surely died. They’d found placental tissue still in her uterus and the doctor said they were giving her transfusions and he was going in to do an emergency surgical procedure to remove the tissue and hopefully stop the bleeding.
The entire Capriotti family was here, but Lanie was only aware of one—Mark standing on the other side of the room; tall, silent, stoic.
Another person she cared deeply about whom she’d wronged. Her last words to him kept playing in her mind.
I don’t love you . . .
Apparently when she decided to sabotage herself, she went big.
Cora came up to her side. “How you holding up?”
Since Mark hadn’t approached her at all, not so much as to meet her gaze, on top of which they hadn’t heard a single word on River from the doctors, other than she was still in surgery and it was a touch-and-go situation, she had no idea. Because touch and go? The ominous words struck terror in her heart.
“Lanie?”
She looked into Cora’s concerned face. “I blew up my life,” she whispered, unable to hold the words in. “Me. I did that, all by myself.” She’d lost Mark. Now River might die.
“Mistakes happen.”
“No, you don’t understand. I’m talking big mistakes,” Lanie said.
“I hear you. But sometimes you just have to have courage in your ability to right your wrongs and make things right.”
Lanie looked at her. “What do you do when you’re short on courage?”
Cora squeezed her hand. “Courage doesn’t always roar, you know. Sometimes it’s just a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying, ‘You can try again tomorrow.’”
Lanie was still thinking about that when a nurse poked her head into the room.
They all froze, and Lanie felt herself stepping forward, heart in her throat. “River. Is she—”
“We normally wouldn’t let anyone back, but she’s conscious and asking for a . . .” She consulted her iPad. “Lanie.”
Lanie froze. “Are you sure?”
The nurse gave her a small smile. “Yes.”
Lanie turned to find Mark watching her.
“She trusts you,” he said.
She waited for a sign that he also trusted her, but his face was blank, eyes hooded from her. If he’d trusted her at one time, she’d blown that up as well. Feeling like her feet were made of cement, she followed the nurse back.
RIVER CAME AWAKE in slow degrees, layers of sensations. Hearing came first, a dull, steady beep, beep, beeping that bounced around in her head. Then the fogginess in said brain, which told her she’d been medicated, heavily, but even through that fog she could feel feathers of pain not completely masked.
Damn. She must’ve done something really stupid, but for a long beat it had escaped her what.
Then she’d remembered. Blood. So much blood. And then flashes of an ambulance ride.
And Lanie’s terrified face, her hand in River’s, her voice saying, “It’s going to be okay, it’s all going to be okay.”
But it wasn’t. She’d had surgery. She’d heard the doctor telling the nurse it was still touch and go, had seen the look in the nurse’s eyes.
It wasn’t going to be okay. It was why she’d asked for Lanie.
She opened her eyes again just as the nurse brought her in and River had never been so relieved to see anyone in her life. There was something she had to do, now. So for the second time that week she grabbed Lanie by the shirtfront and held tight because Lanie was always a flight risk. “You have to promise me something.”
“What?” Lanie gasped, clearly caught by surprise.
“That you’ll raise Delaney.”
“River, you’re going to raise her.”
But she wasn’t. She could see the crazy worry in Lanie’s eyes, could tell she’d been crying.
Lanie never cried.
“You have to promise me,” River said desperately. “If something happens, you’ll—”
“River.” Lanie closed her eyes. “I can’t,” she said quietly. “As in, I literally can’t. I . . . I think I hate her,” she whispered.
River only tightened her grip. “No, you hate Kyle because he denied you a baby. There’s a difference, Lanie. And I know you don’t believe me, that you think you really do hate Delaney, but you used to think you hated me too, remember?”
Lanie choked out a half sob, half laugh. “I do hate you.”
River actually laughed. It was a weak, barely there expulsion of air, but it was genuine. “No, you don’t.” She softened her grasp on Lanie but still didn’t let go. “My mom always said that love’s in the actions, not the words. I’ve seen your actions, Lanie.”
Lanie opened her mouth, but River simply tightened her grip again. “I’m not letting go until you hear me,” she said.
“For a dying woman, you’ve got a hell of a grip,” Lanie muttered.
“You pick up the girls from dance class on Fridays even though you sit in traffic on the way back every time. You listen to all of Uncle Jack’s stories and laugh at the same joke every time. You let me in when I gave you no reason to do so and became my best friend. Sisters, really. You’re the sister I always wanted.”
Lanie made a soft sound, half protest, half sob.
“You’re the one I want to take in Delaney if something happens,” River said fiercely. “You’re the only one.”
Lanie stared at her before her eyes filled. “River.”
That was it, that was all she said, just her name, but in that moment River knew. Lanie would do it. Which meant that deep down, she liked her again. “Thank you,” she whispered fiercely, reaching for her hand, clutching it tight. “Thank you.”
Chapter 32
Fashionably late? More like anxiously early . . .
A few hours later, Mark was with the twins at home. They were lying on Samantha’s bed, where he was reading them a story and doing his damnedest to ignore the fact that his heart had been torn in two.
> I don’t love you . . .
“Daddy.” Samantha put her hand over the words on the page. “We’ve got another question.”
Oh good, another question. He did his best not to groan. Ten minutes ago he’d had to answer a bunch of them on what had happened to River. How she’d almost died, and what would’ve happened if she had. Which had brought on the question of what would happen if he died . . .
Or went away, like their mom.
That was always a tough one because the fact was that Brittney could get on a plane and visit. She could call. Hell, she could text or e-mail, but she didn’t. After that hard discussion, Sam’s questions had gone in another direction, but no less easier to answer. She and Sierra wanted to know specifically where had Delaney come from if River hadn’t pooped her out. He’d told her River’s belly, which she’d accepted—but Mark knew he was on borrowed time.
He just hadn’t realized how borrowed.
“So the baby came out of River’s belly,” Sam said slowly and paused, clearly giving him a minute to change his story. He didn’t, so she went on. “But how exactly?”
Jesus. “Well,” Mark said slowly, trying to bide time, because when the hell had his babies become old enough to worry about such things? “It’s a really long story.”
They both smiled and nodded. They loved long stories. Shit.
He looked around for another adult. An adultier adult than him, someone more qualified to deal with this, but unfortunately he was on his own. “There’s a birthing canal. That’s where the baby came from.” He inwardly winced, afraid of the next question, but to his utter shock they both accepted this with a sage nod.
Mark thought he was home free, but unfortunately he wasn’t that lucky. Sierra nudged Samantha, who said, “Oh, right! We have one more question.”
Okay, one more. He could do this. “Shoot.”
“Are you going to give us a baby sister with Lanie?”
He tried to curve his mouth into some semblance of a smile. “The two of you aren’t enough?”
Proving that he was no actor, both girls’ smiles faded and they looked at each other for a beat and then back at him. Sam pushed his hair off his forehead in a very tender gesture. “Daddy, are you sad?”
The breath backed up in his throat. “Little bit, pumpkin. But it’s nothing for either of you to worry about.”
Sam slipped her hand in his. “I like that you live with us all in the same place now.”
At this, he found a real smile. “I like living with you.”
“Are you sad ’cuz Lanie’s leaving? I heard Grandma telling Auntie Alyssa.”
He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He wasn’t just sad, he was decimated, when he hadn’t realized he could even be decimated.
Sam crawled into his lap, followed by Sierra.
“We want to hug you,” Sam whispered. “’Kay?”
He felt the sharp sting of emotion behind his eyes and in his throat. “Very okay.”
They wrapped their little arms around his neck and squeezed the air out of him, and he was nearly undone as he pressed his face into their hair.
Just then, Delaney let loose with a wail that said she was starving or wet or both, and she was going to bring the house down if someone didn’t get to her right away. He pulled the covers down and waited while Sam and Sierra slid beneath. Standing up, he kissed them each. “Good night,” he said softly. “You’ve been to the bathroom, you’ve got water, you’ve had a story, so I don’t expect the pitter-patter of little feet until morning. Got me?”
“Got you,” Samantha said.
“Good. Love you,” he said and headed for the door, stopping short when not the usual one voice but two little voices said “Love you, Daddy” in unison.
He whipped back around and stared at Sierra. “Did you just . . .”
She smiled shyly and he felt his heart squeeze tight and his eyes burn as he strode back to the bed, yanked her out from beneath the covers, and hugged her to him, pressing his face into her hair, hoping like hell he didn’t start crying like Delaney. Then Samantha jumped at him as well and he squeezed the hell out of them both for as long as he could before they squirmed to be free. And since Delaney was still screaming, he shut the bedroom door. And if for a beat he leaned back on the wood, eyes closed, trying to compose himself, no one was the wiser.
He knew Lanie had left the hospital and River’s bedside reluctantly, and only because River had made her go, to be with the baby. The baby she’d told Lanie was hers if anything happened to her.
Mark would like to say he didn’t know how that felt, but he’d ended up raising his two girls without a mom, so he did know. He knew the fear, the panic, and the dead certainty that you were going to fuck it all up without a backup.
Except he did have backup. He had his family at his back, always.
Lanie didn’t have that. Or rather, didn’t want it, since she’d cut him and his entire family loose.
He could only hope that she wouldn’t run from Delaney like she had from him.
He entered the small upstairs den, which his mom had turned into a temporary nursery. Delaney was pissed off, red in the face, and waving her fists. Scooping her up, he brought her in close to share his body heat. “Hey, munchkin,” he murmured and just as his girls had always done, she stopped crying to hear him better.
“I’m guessing you’re wet and hungry and pissed off at the world,” he said. “Yeah?”
“Neither,” his mom said softly, coming in behind him. “I changed and fed her a few minutes ago.”
“Lanie?”
“Since she looked like death walking, I sent her to bed, told her I’d watch over the baby for a few hours.”
So she hadn’t left. At least not yet. The amount of relief that sent through him was ridiculous. “You look like death walking too,” he said. “I’ve got her, Mom.”
His mom kissed him on the cheek and left.
He carefully set Delaney back into her bassinet and sat in the rocking chair in the dark corner of the room, where he tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He was still there an hour later when soft footsteps coming into the room woke him.
Lanie.
Not seeing him in the corner, she went straight to the baby bassinet. “Hey,” she said softly. “Look at you, you’re awake and being so good.”
The baby must have given her some reaction because she laughed softly, the sound tugging at Mark’s heart. He began to stand to let her know he was there, but she dragged a chair close and sat, leaning in to put her hand inside the bassinet.
She was as exhausted as the rest of them, he knew, or she’d have certainly noticed him in the corner. “If you can’t be with your mama right now,” she said quietly, “you should know that you’re in the best possible place. The Capriottis are . . . wonderful. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re nosy as hell and they’re going to be all up in your business all the time, but they . . .” She shook her head. “They work hard and they love even harder. All of them. They’ve been good to me, all of them, but especially Mark.”
The baby cooed at her.
“I know,” Lanie said on what sounded like a soggy laugh. “He’s smart and strong, inside and out. He’s a cop and was a soldier, so he’s also pretty badass— Wait, scratch that! That’s a bad word and I’m going to try real hard not to teach any of those to you.” She sighed. “He’s tough as nails on the outside; he’s had to be. But on the inside . . .” She shook her head. “He’s guarded. At first I thought we were alike there, but it turns out that he knows when to let down that guard and show what he’s made of. He’s steady, the calm in the storm . . . and he never lets a situation dictate his actions. He’s taught me so much,” she murmured. “And you probably think that this story is going one way, but it’s not. See, I imploded my whole life, my relationship with him included. I was so stupid. But you’re not going to be stupid, okay? You’re going to listen to all my mistakes and do better than me, right?”
The baby
cooed again and she laughed softly. “Is it wrong of me to admit that I’m relieved that you look like your mama? Not that I’m ever going to talk bad about your daddy to you, that wouldn’t be right, but . . . I’m just glad you look like . . . well, you.”
The baby made another soft sound, like she was listening intently and trying to talk.
“I envy you, you know,” Lanie said. “Well, not that you still have to face middle and high school, but that you have a clean slate. You haven’t screwed up your life. You’ve got it all out in front of you with a mama who’s going to love and accept you, no matter what. Because that’s how she rolls, Delaney. She’s not going to spend your impressionable years resenting your presence. You’ll grow up cherished and adored, and that’s how it should be. And then someday you’ll let the right people in because you’ll know how. You’ll have great friends and family, and maybe you’ll even fall in love. And if you’re lucky, which you will be, that person will fall in love with you too. Not that you’ll need that love to complete your life. No, it’ll be more like . . . icing on the cake.”
The baby was staring up at Lanie with luminous blue eyes, clearly fascinated by her voice.
“That’s where I’ve made most of my mistakes,” Lanie said, gently touching the baby’s cheek. “I let the wrong man in and that backfired in a big way. Then I let the right man sit outside my brick walls because I was afraid.” She shook her head. “I’m still getting it wrong. I don’t want you to do that, I don’t want you to suffer and then have regrets. I’d like you to learn from my mistakes, but life doesn’t work that way, so I’ll just say this. Do what I haven’t managed yet. Follow your heart. Trust it. I’ll do my best to walk you through it. I won’t fail you, Delaney. I promise.”
The baby’s eyes slowly drifted closed and Lanie smiled sadly. “And when the person you love more than you’ve ever loved anyone before tells you how they feel about you, don’t be afraid to give them your feelings back, okay?” She gave a little sniff. “Because that’s something I’m not sure a relationship can come back from.”
The hell with staying quiet, Mark thought, and stood up. “Lanie.”