Without words, she walks me to her bedroom.
I stop dead when we cross the threshold.
It’s bare. Empty.
Everything gone.
I don’t know what to think, so I blurt out the first thing that pops in my thick skull. “Your whole bedroom set didn’t fit in that little box outside?” I ask, jerking my thumb in the direction of her driveway.
“No. I sold it. To a nice young married couple. They came and got it this morning.”
“Oh,” I say lamely. “What are you going to do?”
Instead of answering, she walks over and opens her closet door. No more explosion of clothes inside. It’s as empty as the rest of the room. Except for two big blue suitcases she rolls out. My heart skips. I can’t fit those on the back of my bike.
“Well, I was hoping I could come home with you.”
“No. You can’t.”
She reels back as if I slapped her, and I rush to correct myself. “I mean, Bricks and Winter moved into my house. I’m up at the clubhouse full time now.”
Shiny tears threaten to fall, her cheeks reddening. “Oh. Sure. Okay. I, uh… My plan B was a hotel. It’s—”
My girl’s so nervous. Even all teary-eyed, she’s beautiful, and I want to stop time just to take her in, but I can’t stand another second of her hurting. Pulling her into my arms and running my hands over her back, I kiss the top of her head. “Baby doll, it’s okay. Of course you’re coming home with me. Did you honestly think I was leaving here without you?”
She pulls away and stares up at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. I swipe them away with my thumbs. “Please don’t cry. Everything’s going to be okay.”
I can’t stop the tears. I hate that I’ve hurt him. “Rock. I’m so sorry. I don’t ever want you to think you don’t come first for me. You do.”
“Baby, you’ve never made me feel that way.”
I grasp his hand, kissing his scarred knuckles. “I love you. So much. More than anything. Please tell me you know that.”
He hugs me tight against him, and I soak up all the comforting warmth his body offers. “I know you do. I’m not stupid. I know it hasn’t been that long.”
It surprises me that the first thing he mentions is Clay. “It’s been more than two years.”
“Doll, you spent most of your adult life with him. Two years is nothin’.”
Have I ever known a more understanding and forgiving person? No, and I don’t know what I did to deserve him. He needs to hear the full truth from me. I owe him that. “It’s not just Clay. It’s losing the baby. Not sure if I can give you any—”
“Hope. You have to talk to me. You can’t keep shit like that from me.”
“You have so much on your shoulders already. I’m so afraid if I distract you with my silly stuff or add to your stress—”
“Stop. I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me. You can—about anything. You had a life before me. I know that. Your loyalty, your devotion, it’s why I fell in love with you in the first place. All those prior experiences made you who you are.” He hesitates and runs his hand through his hair. “I think I’ve got my own fucking guilt, doll. I used to wish so fucking bad you could be mine. Knowing if he was still alive, I’d never have you, I feel like—”
I cry even harder at that. “I don’t even know if that’s true anymore.”
Rock freezes and pins me with a shocked stare. “What?”
One of the painful things I’d been hiding comes out of me in a rush. “I don’t. I love you so much. I know I told you Clay and I had a good marriage, and we did. But it wasn’t anything near what you and I have.”
I can’t believe I said that out loud. I have to finish, though.
“Once that thought formed, I couldn’t shake it. I started having these dreams where Clay and I divorced so I could be with you, and he was happy with someone else too. And then I’d wake up with such crushing guilt.”
“Baby, why didn’t you tell me—”
“Then that scene with Lynn made me feel so much worse… about everything.”
“I could kill that fucking bitch,” he growls.
“Not if I get to her first.”
Laughter rumbles out of him and he shakes his head. “You are my little spitfire. Still proud of you for slapping her.”
Nervous laughter bubbles out of me. Especially the way he’s staring down at me with a more serious expression settling over his features. “I want you to talk to me about whatever is on your mind. It’s okay to tell me about your first wedding. You won’t hurt my feelings.”
My breath catches when I remember my wedding album that I left up at the clubhouse. Did he look at it? Did he see?
Rock must sense my mind wandered, because he squeezes me a little harder. “Don’t think you have to hide those stories from me. I’m sorry if I tried to push you into marriage too fast.” He stops and runs a hand over my cheek. “You took my patch, which was so important to me, baby doll. I didn’t need to be greedy. I know you’re mine no matter what. As long as I have you, the rest doesn’t matter.”
“You have me. I don’t know why you want me, but you have me.”
He shoves his hand in his pocket, uncurling his fingers. “Good, then put this back on.”
My engagement ring rests in his palm, and my face breaks into a grin. “You want me to have it back?”
“Of course. We don’t have to get married now. Or next week. Next month. Whenever you’re ready.”
I hold out my hand, and he slides it back on my finger. “I’m getting there.”
“I know you are.”
We’re silent for a moment while I stand there and absorb the feeling of belonging again. Rock’s leather and woods scent comforts my racing heart. After a bit, I step back and make a show out of patting down his leather cut, searching his many pockets.
His forehead crinkles. “What are you doing?”
“You brought my ring. Where’s my patch? I want that back too.”
His shoulders shake with laughter.
“It’s waitin’ for you.”
I can’t process all the things Hope just admitted to me, so I focus on the things I can deal with.
Getting her ring on her finger.
Getting her on the back of my bike.
Bringing her home.
It wasn’t anything near what you and I have.
Here I’m always worried I’m not good enough for her. That she deserves some nice citizen husband.
And then she goes and admits that.
Holy fuck.
Because there are so many things I can’t give her, I try damn hard to give her everything else in my power.
Every fight we’ve had, every frustrating moment, has been worth it to hear those words.
Rock ends up calling one of the prospects to bring the van down and collect the few things I want to take up to the clubhouse.
“Leave it unlocked. You can trust them.”
“Of course I trust them.”
A warm smile turns up his lips and he curls his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me in for a deep kiss. He pulls away slowly and taps his bike. “Get on, baby.”
He doesn’t have to ask twice.
I hop on the back and wrap my arms around him, squeezing him tight with my legs as the bike roars to life. At the stop sign, he reaches back and pats my knee. Gentle reassurance that I’m still there. I hug him tighter and we take off.
I’m surprised by the hugs I get from everyone when we walk in the clubhouse together.
“First lady!” Murphy shouts as he runs over and picks me up. “You’re back,” he says, setting me down.
“I am.”
“For good,” Rock clarifies from behind me.
“For good,” I agree.
Wrath drops a kiss on the top of my head. “Missed you, sugar.”
He seems so sincere. I run my gaze over him and gasp. “Your cast is finally off!”
“Yup.”
&nb
sp; I give him a hug, which after a second of hesitation, he returns.
Teller pipes up. “Glad to see you, Hope. Prez has been miserable without you.”
“Fuck off,” Rock growls.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Z calls as he steps out of the office. I get a quick hug from him too. “Told you everything would work out,” he whispers in my ear. “Glad you’re back.” He winks at me as he pulls away.
“Me too.”
“Where’s Trinity?” I ask.
“She ran out for some supplies. She was hoping she’d be back before you got here,” Wrath answers.
I quirk an eyebrow at Rock.
“I wasn’t fucking around. You were coming back with me one way or another.”
“I guess so.”
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “I mean everything I say to you.”
A shiver works through me.
“For fuck’s sake, take her upstairs already. We don’t need to see this,” Z groans.
Wrath flashes a dirty grin at me.
“Prospects should be back with her stuff soon. Tell them to leave it outside our door.”
Wrath’s eyebrows shoot up, but he nods. “Got it.”
I can’t believe how happy I am to see everyone. “Thanks, guys.”
Rock sweeps me into his arms and takes me upstairs. My throat closes when I see my things where I left them. “I figured you’d have my stuff packed in boxes down in the basement or something,” I say in a hoarse voice.
“Fuck no, baby. I knew we’d work through it eventually.”
“But what if I’d fallen into another eight-month depression or something? I missed you so much it physically hurt.”
He sets me down and cups my face with his hands. “I wouldn’t have let that happen.”
“You had eyes on me?”
“Here and there.”
Awareness flares in my love-soaked brain. “You had Z text Lilly when we were at Goodwill, didn’t you?”
One corner of his mouth lifts in a sly smirk. “Maybe. Can’t say I was happy you needed another man to help you do something I should’ve been doing for you.”
“You mean Alex? He’s a nice guy. And it’s okay. I think I needed to do that without you. Having you help me get rid of our things… of Clay’s things, would have felt weird.”
“Fair enough. He didn’t have to ask you out, though.”
It’s not fair, but the peeved look on his face sends me into a fit of giggles. “You heard about that too, huh? God, Lilly has a big mouth.”
Rock’s grumble sends heat streaking through my belly.
“You know I turned him down, right?”
“I heard,” he says, a little less cocky. “Why?”
I can’t stop fiddling with my hands and I can’t meet his eyes. “You know why.”
“I need to hear you say it.” His low, gravelly voice flows through me like water.
“Because I love you and there’s no one else for me.”
I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing Hope say she loves me.
Still, there’re things we need to talk about.
I’m not sure how to bring up the one topic that’s been eating away at me most. But all of a sudden, I don’t have to.
Hope’s gasp lifts me out of my thoughts. She’s standing by her lounge chair, staring down at the wedding album I left sitting there. The sonogram picture is tucked inside but still poking out enough to be obvious.
Now she knows I know.
Her eyes skip to me and she shakes her head. “Rock?”
Closing the distance between us, I take her hands in mine and pull her down on the chair. She picks up the album and sets it in her lap.
“You left it here, doll. I—”
“No, it’s okay.”
Her hand runs back and forth over the cover, but she doesn’t open it. Her teeth sink into her lower lip. Finally, her fingers pluck out the little black-and-white picture. She stares at it for a while before opening her mouth. “You saw this?”
“Yes.”
She taps the album. “You looked through this?”
I’m not sure where she’s going with her questions, but I plan to be one hundred percent honest. “Yes. You were a beautiful bride.”
Her face hardens into an expression I’ve never seen on Hope before. My girl is always so soft and sweet, but now… she’s downright tormented.
“I was miserable.”
Holy. Fuck.
The shock must be written all over my face. “Not about Clay.” She taps the album. “We weren’t ready to get married. I’d just finished law school. I wasn’t sure if I’d passed the bar yet—there’s a few months between when you take the exam and—well, it’s not important. I couldn’t find a job. If you don’t have something lined up after graduation, it’s pretty much impossible to find a job until after you get admitted.”
She’s babbling, stalling probably, but I’ve got enough patience to wait and let her get it all out.
I’ll wait forever for this woman.
“Clay was waiting to sit for his licensing exams. He had a job but wasn’t making a lot of money yet. We lived in this shitty one-bedroom apartment over in Ironworks. Anyway. I was on the pill, and even though I know I can be flighty, I never missed it.” She looks me in the eye.
Obviously, someone challenged her on this at some point.
“Okay.”
“There was a problem. My doctor switched me, and the new one made me so sick. I was either bleeding, cramping, or throwing up for like a month until they switched me to something else. Then I had this nasty kidney infection. Everyone knows if you’re on antibiotics, you have to use a backup. It’s like Being a Woman 101 or something. Crap, I think the pharmacist reminded me.” She shakes her head. “I forgot. I started getting sick again, but I thought it was from the new prescription. Turned out I was pregnant.”
She stops, and I wrap my arm around her waist, hugging her tight. “It’s okay, doll. I’m right here.” She sniffles a little and I get up to bring her a box of tissues.
“I told you how useless my mother was after my dad died?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well, around my third year of law school is when she got remarried. All of a sudden, she wanted to play mom again. So I humored her. Clay encouraged me to try and fix our relationship. He grew up in foster care and kept reminding me I was lucky to have a mother. I felt guilty and I tried, even though I knew it was a mistake.”
I have a hard time swallowing because I almost feel like I did something similar to her.
“So besides Clay, my mother was the first person I told. I was twenty-fucking-five years old. Not exactly the end of the world for me to be pregnant, other than the fact that Clay and I had no idea how we were going to afford a kid. I thought she’d be happy.”
“She wasn’t?”
“No. She went berserk. Everything has always been about her, and this was no different. She was ‘too young’ to be a grandmother. She was so embarrassed to have such a ‘slut’ for a daughter. Mind you, Clay and I had been together for more than five years by this point. But she acted like I needed to have a fucking paternity test to know who the father was.”
Seeing Hope so angry pisses me off. It’s unnatural on her.
“She insisted I have an abortion. She wouldn’t let it drop.”
Christ, I don’t even know what to say to that. “What did Clay say about it?”
Hope looks at me like I’m nuts. “I never told him that. He would have lost his shit. As freaked out as we were about the financial aspect of it, we were excited about the baby. He was thrilled to have a family of his own.
“When my mother finally understood I was keeping the baby, she insisted we had to get married right away. She went behind my back and got Clay on board with her plan. He thought it would be a good mother-daughter thing to bond over wedding stuff. I knew we were eventually going to get married, so I had no good reason to say no or back out of it withou
t hurting his feelings.” She stops and takes a deep breath.
“But it couldn’t just be a quickie courthouse ceremony. Oh no. She drove me nuts.” She slaps her hand on the photo album, then flips it open to the first page. “I can’t look at any of these pictures without remembering how unhappy I was that day.”
Jesus Christ. “I’m so sorry.”
“I was so stressed out. So sick all day. I kept throwing up. My mother had me so ashamed. I didn’t tell anyone else I was pregnant. Clay must have told his sister at some point. I don’t know. But Sophie, Mara, Lilly—I never told them.”
“Baby, you had nothing to be ashamed of.”
“I know. I knew it then too, but I couldn’t help it. Mara was going through her own stuff with her ex. They were close to getting a divorce. So I felt really bad about all the wedding stuff I threw at her all of a sudden. I’m sure one of them suspected, since I had to run in the bathroom to puke every five minutes.”
Goddamn, Z had her pegged. This story makes it clear just how much she worries about everyone else’s feelings but her own. As her man, I need to do a better job protecting her. “What happened after the wedding?”
Her mouth turns up and her eyes go distant. “We scraped together some money and went to Montreal for four days. It was actually a really nice honeymoon.” The smile fades to something I can only describe as anguish. “I lost the baby two days after we got back.”
Motherfuck. I can’t stand hearing all the bad shit my girl’s been through. Never said a word to me, either. I feel so fucking useless, like I should have done something for her even though I didn’t even know her at the time. I can’t help but notice how she hid important shit from Clay too. Maybe if she’d shared this with him, he might have stood up to Hope’s mother. Saved my girl from so much misery.
I need Hope to understand there won’t be any more secrets between us.
She’s quiet for a while but keeps staring at the sonogram picture. “My mother didn’t come to the hospital that time either. All she said was it was a shame she wasted so much money on the wedding when it turned out not to be necessary after all.”
Strength from Loyalty (Lost Kings MC #3) Page 31