He told me I could choose. I can stay in the room and just put the clothes outside the door. He said no one will bother me, but he also said I can come downstairs. What did he want me to do? I didn’t know if he was playing mind games, or what. I want to stay in the room and never come out, but that might be a mistake. It was probably better to go downstairs, but I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Biting my bottom lip, a sure sign I was scared, I decide to go to him, praying it’s the right choice.
Softly padding down the stairs I look around. The house is tastefully decorated, everything is in its place and looks perfect but in a comfortable way. Not like the showpieces in some of the places I’d been in. You couldn’t touch things at those houses, I was only there for one reason and never there for long either. They always gave me back to the pimp when they were done.
Everything here is touchable though, but it still reeks of money. There is no way to hide the expensive paintings and furniture. The carpet under my feet is something so fine most people will never even see it, unless in pictures. But here I was, garbage from the streets, walking over thousands of dollars worth of expensive Persian carpets.
Afraid of ruining something just by looking at it, I walk towards the kitchen. Following the voices, I smell something amazing and follow the smell. Finding them all there, I stop, blinking hard at the first thing I notice. Charlie is sitting at David’s feet. He looks so happy sitting there, a look of bliss on his face, as David runs his fingers through his hair. As confusing as that is, I block it out looking at the huge guy manning the stove. He scares me, but the smell of what he’s cooking is amazing. My stomach growls loud enough that everyone turns to look at me.
The pressure of all their attention on me at once makes me take a self-conscious step back, trying to look as small as I can. Simon, the giant scary black man, looks back to whatever he’s cooking, and David snaps his fingers, causing Charlie to look down. It’s almost as if they know how scary it is to have them all look at me at the same time, and are trying to help me feel more comfortable. It worked. I’m able to walk further into the room where David pulls out a stool at the counter for me.
“Feel better?” He says while continuing to play with Charlie's hair. He makes it seem like it’s a normal everyday occurrence. Like Charlie sitting on the floor in his work uniform is perfectly normal. Maybe it is. Charlie certainly looks comfortable.
As I look back at Simon, I notice a giant dog. Man! Do these guys do everything supersized? It was watching me cautiously. You can always tell an abused dog by the way they hold themselves. Always cautious, taking the time to watch your body language. Watching you to determine whether you're safe, or whether they need to stay away from you. I tried to get one of the stray dogs on the street to come to me, to have one to protect me, but they don’t trust anything. Sweet words and food can just as easily turn to kicks and anger in a minute. I knew how that felt, so understood when they didn’t want anything to do with the humans around them.
This giant dog held herself still, proving my guess right. Then she relaxed and turned toward Simon, love and devotion written all over her face. I can tell she’s pregnant even though she’s thin. Her belly is bigger than the rest of her. She looks like it won’t be long before she drops those puppies. As I watch her, I can see her stomach move every once and awhile.
“It won't be long till we have puppies running all over the place,” David says with a smile on his face, and kindness in his voice. I forgot where I was again, mesmerized by the puppies movement in their mother’s body. I can’t believe I dropped my guard again! Watching the slow movements in the giant dog’s belly. Dangerous things happen when you do that on the street, but somehow I feel safe enough to lower my guard a little. I may not know what David and the others want from me, but I do feel safe. Really safe for the first time in a long time, maybe ever. Even while living with my “parents” I never felt this safe. They made attempts to get to know me, to love me, but I hadn’t been able to “bond properly” with them. There had always been something holding me back, something telling me they weren’t trustworthy. Maybe if I had opened up to them they would have kept me, but some part of me always said, if they knew what had happened to me, they would have returned me immediately. Like a puppy you take back to the pound because it won’t stop peeing on your carpet. I trusted my instincts, and I was proved right when I was put out on the street alone.
“Hey. Stop thinking about your past for one night.” Simon's voice told me softly. The way he speaks makes me feel like everything will be okay, low and almost musical. It’s crazy. The only one I can count on is me, and if I fall for this “safety” they’re trying to sell me, I’m just asking for trouble. The entire population of this earth are liars, only out for what they can get.
“It's okay to spend one night safe and clean. Spend one night where you don’t have to watch your back constantly. Okay?” Simon’s soft, rumbly voice breaks through my thoughts again as he places a huge plate of spaghetti and meatballs in front of me. I watch the big man watching me for a moment, not wanting to do the wrong thing.
I still don’t get these people, I don’t get what their an gle is. Maybe they like to tempt people into letting their guard down with all the comforts of a real home, then take it all away. Somehow I don’t think so, but I have no experience with real trust, so I have no idea what I’m doing here.
Watching Simon as he turns to put food on plates for the others, I pick up the fork next to my plate. I draw in a deep breath, loving the smell of food that I don’t have to dig out of a dumpster. It smells amazing, I don’t think I can eat everything Simon put on my plate, but I’m sure going to try.
I’ll accept the clothes, shelter, and especially the food. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but for however long that is, I’m going to eat as much as I can. I’ll enjoy everything they give me, no matter what they want to do to me, until they throw me out. Then I’ll figure out what to do next. I’ll find a place to go and make a plan.
************* David Watching Justin enjoy his food so much makes me smile. Knowing how good Simon’s spaghetti is, there’s no way he won’t like it. As I watch him, I continue to rake my fingers through Charlie’s hair. Charlie isn’t paying any attention to what’s going on, he’s too content and relaxed. Looking down at him, I realize he’s actually gone to sleep. It surprises me. He must have had a very tiring day. It isn't the first time he’s done this, but with Justin finally here I thought he would have been paying close attention. Gently nudging him, he wakes with surprise on his face, apparently he hadn’t expected to fall asleep either. Signaling him to get up, he unbends his large frame slowly. I start to worry when he winces.
“What happened? Why are you hurt?” I ask, standing quickly, wanting to know immediately what’s wrong. Charlie usually tries to do too much, tries to take on every problem himself. Owning half of the D&C Diner, he feels responsible for everything going on in the kitchen. I own the other half, but really don’t do much. When I’m home I try to help with the financial stuff, taxes, bank statements, organization, etc. Simon attempted to help, exactly one time, while I was gone. We decided the paperwork and stuff could wait until I got home. It’s better that way. Simon hates paperwork.
“It's nothing, I had to help the delivery guy today. His usual help called out sick at the last minute, and left him with no time to find help. Didn’t help my shoulder too much is all.”
Charlie had been shot in that shoulder and had been given a medical discharge from the Navy Seabees because he lost a lot of mobility in his arm. Some muscles and tendons had been torn completely from the shoulder. Surgery was able to fix them, but the damage had been too much to return to active duty, not that Charlie had been too disappointed. He was better suited to civilian life. He had a problem with authority. Just thinking about that made me smile again. He didn't have a problem with my authority. His shoulder usually didn’t cause him a problem with his normal day to day stuff, having completely healed. Bu
t sometimes if he did too much he’d pay for it. I’ll have to get the Biofreeze out tonight. I’ll give him a good massage, to help the muscles relax. The more Charlie did with that shoulder, the tighter the muscles got. If he wasn’t too tired, we just might enjoy that. I chuckle and Charlie turns to look at me, a small smirk on his face showing me he knew exactly what I was thinking.
Simon placed two plates in front of us and Charlie dug in. Apparently he was starving, but it was probably because the food was so good. No one made spaghetti and meatballs like Simon. Tucking into my own food the room is quiet, everyone’s eating. I even catch Simon sneaking little pieces of meatball to Molly. Passing the grilled garlic bread towards me, Simon gives me a pointed look, cutting his eyes towards Justin. I don’t know what it is he wants me to say. Realizing the silence at the table might be uncomfortable for him I rack my brain for something to say. I’ve never been good with idle chatter, but maybe he just needs to hear something mundane.
“You going to serve my favorite tomorrow, Charlie?” “Depends on which meal you're coming in for. Breakfast, lunch, or dinner?” He says with a shake of his head. “You have a favorite for each, so you’ll have to pick one. You are coming in tomorrow, right? I just need you to take a look at the bills. I’ve tried to keep all the receipts in order, but you’ve always been better at that crap.”
“You don’t have an organized bone in your body. How you ever made it in the Navy I’ll never know. Your idea of organizing receipts is throwing them in a shoebox, and praying for the best.” I said, shaking my head.
“Hey, I got all the organizing out of my system in the Navy, so I don’t have to do it now! Gotta love dysfunction.” Charlie said in a dreamy voice. “There are so many things the Navy got out of my system. Discipline, standing up straight, sitting up straight, and answering any question with Sir, Yes Sir!” Laughing at his own antics, and his overly dramatic slouching in his chair, as much as he can, I give him a look out of the corner of my eye.
“You still answer Sir, yes Sir, sometimes.” I say chuckling. Simon shakes his head at me, but I’m not going to edit what I say. Nor am I going to act any different just because Justin is here. I’ll be more gentle with Justin, but I won’t change my behavior too much. He’s already seen Charlie at my feet. I plan to be as real as I always am. Acting any different in front of Justin, sneaking around and changing our behavior, is just as bad as lying to him. I won’t push too hard, but he’ll see all of us as we are. If he can’t handle the way we are, it’s best to find out now. I won’t take him back to the street just because he doesn’t want what we do. I’ll still help him. We’ll help him find his feet and decide what he wants to do with his life, which we would do either way. But I sure hope he’ll accept the way we live.
I didn’t want a slave sitting around the house waiting for me to tell him what to do. I want him to bloom under our guidance, decide for himself what he wants. If he wants to go back to school, get a job, or just heal for a while before he figures any of that out, that was fine by me. But I wanted him to make that decision. He’s had such a hard life, I can tell just by looking at his face. He needs help, and that’s the understatement of the year. I don’t think he’s ever had someone to really want to help him, to give him a hand up so he can make up his own mind what he wants. He’s been forced to survive on his own, and he’s probably never even considered what he really wants to do. We’d give him that chance to decide, to be able to find out what he wants.
“My plan for tomorrow, if Justin’s on board, is to come in for a while around breakfast. Say nine ish?” Looking at Justin, I made it his decision. “That sound good to you Justin?”
Justin eyes get bigger , not expecting me to ask his opinion. He’d also just stuffed a big bite of food into his mouth and looks like a chipmunk with his cheeks puffed out. There was a small blob of sauce on his face.
I chuckle a bit at his cute little face. Slowly, I reach out to his face. I didn’t actually touch him until he gave a small nod, chewing quickly. As I touch his face, wiping the sauce off the corner of his mouth, I make sure to look directly in his eyes, wanting him to know that I won’t hurt him. I gently rub the corner of his mouth, for only a brief moment, but it felt like Justin pressed into my fingers just a bit. Taking my hand away is difficult to do. I want to cup his cheek, I want to pull him into my lap and just hold him. But I don’t do either. The last thing I want to do is scare him anymore than he already has been.
“Would you like to go to the diner with me tomorrow? We could get Charlie here to cook us something special while I take a look at the books, but it's up to you. I hate looking through Charlie's “organized” chaos. But we can do that whenever, if you don’t want to go.” I chuckle, trying to get Justin to relax a little as he chews quickly. He’s been enjoying his food, and I don’t want to confuse him. But he needs to see that I want his opinion. That I’m not just going to tell him what to do. I watch him finish chewing what’s in his mouth, finally swallowing the enormous bite. Wondering if he’s going to answer with whispered words or a nod.
“Why?” He mouths at me. Maybe he thought I was going to turn him back out on the street. “Well, because it’s up to you what you do tomorrow. You can come with me, stay here in your room and rest, or if you want, you can help Simon with the horses. You can also stay here and look out for Molly,” I say pointing to her, thinking on the fly that maybe he and Molly could help each other. Both have been treated so badly that maybe they can bond over the birth of the puppies. It might help him to have something like that. Animals have a way of silently making things hurt less. Comforting even the harshest soul.
“She’s so close to the time for her puppies to come. The Vet told us to call if there were any problems and Simon might be out with the horses when she goes into labor. It might be good for someone to look after her, you could give us all a call when her labor starts. We all want to be here to cheer her on. She’ll need love and attention when the time comes. Calm and quiet, but she’ll still need attention.”
The look on Justin’s face about breaks my heart all ove r again. He looks panicked, like he’s trying to figure out what to do. Like he thought there was only one right answer, and he didn’t know which one it was. I reach over and squeeze his neck gently but firmly, trying to comfort him.
“Justin.” I say firmly, just a little louder than I’d been. “Look at me, Justin. This isn’t a trick question, I promise you. We just want to know what you want to do.” Using my other hand to turn his face toward me, I try to keep my body language open and non-threatening. I want him to know that no one is going to hurt him, no matter how he answers.
His eyes search my face for any hint of anger, or maybe he’s looking for dishonesty. I’m not completely sure. His body is relaxed, his shoulders slumping down gently, when I place my hand on his neck. Just like in the truck, he must have seen I’m telling the truth because he slowly relaxes back on his barstool.
“Stay here?” He mouths at me, shaking his head as if it’s a question instead of an answer. “That’s fine by me. You’ll probably be bored out of your mind at the diner with me.” I smile, chuckling to show him it's really okay with me. “Just a whole bunch of paperwork there for me. The food is the bright spot in all that. Totally worth the headache I’m sure to have from all those receipts.”
“Thank you very much.” Charlie says, “I know my food rocks.” Justin nods his head at Charlie.
“Very good.” He mouths, a small lift of his lips almost making him smile. “Well, if you're going to be home, would you mind looking after Molly for us? We’d really appreciate the help if you don’t mind. She’s really the sweetest thing, and it would be great to have you with her when Simon goes down to the stables.” Leaving the decision up to him again, I wait to see what he’ll do. If he says no, then he isn’t ready to step out of his comfort zone, but that’s okay. If he wants to stay in his room with the door locked, if that’s where he feels the safest, that was okay too. But maybe giving h
im something to do, with all of us out of the way, would make him feel comfortable enough to wander around the house.
“Molly won’t be too hard to look after anyway, she’ll probably just follow you around the house,” Simon rumbles in his deep voice, smiling his broken smile. “She hates to be alone, she was used as a puppy mill, and kept in a small pen and was only brought out to mate. Our Molly really loves attention, and when I’m at home she just follows me around like… well like a puppy.” We all chuckle at that. Justin huffs out a small puff of air, a small lift of this lips, almost a smile. We were making some progress at least.
“You're more then welcome to go into any room in this house. We have all kinds of stuff you might be interested in. We have a really big library if you like to read. There's a gym if you like to work out, an indoor swimming pool and sauna. Simon bought you a swimsuit if you want to swim. There are plenty of TV’s, or we even have a home theatre room, but you’d need Simon to show you how to set a movie up. I don’t have any idea how to work that, I haven’t made the time. Oh, and don’t ask Charlie, he’s horrible with electronics.” I tell him in an exaggerated whisper.
“Hey, I am not. It’s not my fault that VCR ate the tape. Besides VCR’s are so outdated. Thank God you got a DVD player. Those don’t eat the discs at least.” Charlie says, giving me an overly fake hurt look. Simon and I crack up at that.
“You can’t even figure out which remote operates which device, or how to switch from regular TV to a movie without Simon to show you sweetie.” I say as I reach over and ruffle his hair. He pouts like a five year old.
“What about that computer you fried? And don’t ever come near my laptop or my phone again! It took me forever to figure out what you did to those! Two electronic devices at the same time. I still don’t understand how you managed that.” I teased.
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