Holding on to my small family, I have hope for Justin. I want to help him, show him how to make his own life better. No one should have to live through what Justin has. I’m not ignorant of the thousands of homeless people. Men, women, and children barely scraping by like Justin has. I donate quite a lot every year to different charities. The Trevor Project for instance, Habitat for Humanity and more than a few local food pantries. I’m helping, but right now, I need to help the one in my arms.
“Now, let's get this done. The puppy deserves his resting spot.” I lead my family to a small section behind the house. Simon hasn’t exactly made a cemetery under the tree line in back, but not all the animals brought to us could be saved. Along with those poor animals, our own family pets that had passed due to old age are here. One of the most special, to me at least, is that ugly old dog of my Father’s, who died of a broken heart. Now there are more than a few little graves out under the trees. During the late afternoons the sun filters just right and leaves a lacy pattern over the small burial mounds. Simon had chosen the perfect place.
Standing there now, in front of the small hole I dug, watching Charlie help Justin bury the tiny body, I’m overcome for a minute. I am so glad I listened to Charlie about Justin. Simon and I would have never known about him at all if it hadn’t been for Charlie. This could have been Justin. There could just as easily have been a grave dug for him in Potter’s Field and no one would have even grieved over him. It was not something I wanted to think about. Justin is here now, and will stay I hope. He’ll be a protected and loved member of our little family.
As we walk back to the house I smile, watching Charlie and Justin conspiring with each other. It’s a welcome sight. Me being gone for so much of the year gets hard on Charlie. I’ll have to decide if I’m going to stay in the Navy much longer. I only have another six months of active duty to decide whether to reenlist. There’s always the reserves.
CHAPTER 9 CHARLIE
I watch Justin’s eyes begin to droop. It isn’t late, but after all that happened I’m not surprised. Justin is also still recovering physically from living in fear on the streets. His body has a long way to fill out before he’s a healthy weight again.
“Come on, ‘little bit’. Let's get you in bed.” I smile at Justin, holding out my hand, not really expecting him to grab it, I’m thrilled when I feel Justin's delicate fingers lace themselves between mine. As we walk upstairs, I don’t think Justin should be left too long by himself. He needs reassurance, not just about popping me in the eye, but Justin isn’t going to heal from all his life long trouble in one go. Today will bring up memories of his dark past, and I might not hear him from my bedroom if he calls out in the night.
“Why don’t you go take a shower in your room while I go take one in mine. It’ll be faster to get into bed that way, right? I’ll meet you in bed in a minute.” I say while leaving Justin at his door, watching Justin nod and open his door.
Hurrying through my shower, and throwing on some pj’s, I’m back in Justin’s room before his shower turns off. Laying down on top of the covers, sitting with my back propped against the headboard, I wait. Justin and I need to have a conversation of sorts. This needs to be sub to sub, letting Justin get comfortable with the idea. He’ll be able to relax enough to really understand that way. Be willing to open up more and ask questions, at least I hope so.
I smile when the door to the bathroom opens up and Justin comes out. Damp hair going every which way, and a thoughtful look on his face, I wonder what Justin has on his mind. Patting the bed next to me, I decide the best way to go forward is just to ask, “What’s up, little one? What’s got that look on your face?”
“I was just thinking of yesterday. In the kitchen with you at David’s feet. You really looked like you were enjoying that, but I just don’t…I don’t understand that.” Justin blushed tomato red when I begin to laugh.
“I’m not laughing at you, Justin. I just think you're so cute with that little crinkle above your nose. Before we talk about that there’s something we both have to discuss. David and I, Simon too, we get tested. It’s important for us to tell you that we get tested and are clean, that way you know.”
“I’m clean! I haven’t had sex since my last check up and I know I’m clean.” The sound of disgust in Justin’s voice concerns me, but that’s a topic for another day.
“Come on up here. Let’s talk about the rest of it.”
Watching Justin scramble onto the bed, I think about just how much I should tell him. How much is enough, without scaring him. “Okay. I think the best way to have this conversation, is for me to ask a few questions first. They may seem silly, or even embarrassing, but I want you to really understand. I want you to think about what you want, and not what you think we want from you. This won’t work right if you just answer how you think we want you to. Even if you decide you don’t want what we want, you need to know something. I need you to really listen to me, ok?” Scrunching down a little on the pillows I look Justin straight in the eye.
“No matter what. Are you listening? No matter what, we’ll never just throw you back on the street. Do you hear me, Two? Never.” Using my Dom voice to make sure Justin is listening, and waiting for Justin to really think about what I said, is hard. I don’t want to wait, I want to jump in with promises and pretty words. But the only way for this to go forward is for Justin to understand, and make his own choice to accept what I’m saying is true. I wait on pins and needles until a small nod comes from Justin. It starts small, but quickly becomes a much firmer nod of true acceptance. I let out a slow breath, I know Justin will question everything again in his mind, but for now he’s making his own decision to listen. He may change his mind later, but for now he holds onto the belief that this is real. We’re okay to believe in, if only through desperation right now. He’ll learn to trust us completely if I have anything to say about it.
“I need you to understand that for our relationship to he lp you, for us to help you, we need you to trust us. But trust doesn’t grow in a day, maybe not even a week or month. What’s important, isn’t how long it takes, it’s that the trust you give us doesn’t come from fear or even you wanting to please us.
“You can do that, pretend you trust us because you think that’s what we want. You may even tell yourself you trust us because you want to trust us. You may tell yourself over and over, hoping we never let you down, but that isn’t total trust, and that’s not ok. You have all the time in the world to learn. If you’re ever scared, if you have something to ask us, or something you don’t want to do? Justin, that’s just fine. You can ask any question, we won’t get mad. You can say no to anything. We won’t get mad.
“I know you want to trust what I say, but I also know that when I went through some traumatic stuff too, Justin, I wanted so badly to just trust David without any doubts. But I couldn’t.” The sharp look Justin gives me makes me smile. The look of a true defender crosses his face. Slowly pushing Justin’s ridiculously long bangs behind his ear, I continue.
“Well, baby. David rescued me, too. I don’t like talking about it, don’t want to even think about it, but one day I’ll tell you. What you need to know is that when a person’s trust is broken, well, it can’t be fixed by a magic wand, by words, or even a really good hug. Time and seeing the truth for yourself is the only way to truly trust someone again when you’ve been hurt as much as you have. There’s no hurry, I promise that neither me, nor David or even Simon, will ever get mad at you for not trusting us. Okay?” Justin lay on the bed beside me, a far away look on his face. I’ve been there. I’d been right where Justin is, wanting to trust, but scared that I’d never be able to trust again. Sliding down the pillow and turning on my side, I pray this will help. He needs to know that it’s okay to feel whatever it is he’s feeling.
“Tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head.”
************** Justin Looking at th e face lying next to me now, I feel it’s easier to think about what I w
ant to say. Charlie hasn’t been mean or dominant, well only when he wants to make sure I’m listening. I don’t know why it’s like this, but I need to ask him how it felt, I need to know if I can ever feel that too. The look that had been on Charlie’s face as he knelt next to David, it was a look of something I’d never ever known myself. I didn’t understand it.
“Can I ask how it felt? To sit there at David’s feet?” Immediately I can’t believe I’m asking, and when Charlie doesn’t say anything for a minute I begin to worry.
“I mean, sorry I shouldn't have asked that. It’s none of my business. I’m sorry.” Charlie puts a hand on my arm to calm me. “It’s just fine that you ask. Remember I tol d you no one would get mad? I’d rather you ask, than just go blindly into something that worries, concerns or scares you, baby. I was just trying to find a way to tell you, is all. You see it’s taken a long time to come to a place of trust like that.
“When David first met me…Well, it was at one of the worst times in my life. I was in an abusive relationship, I thought that was what a Dom/sub relationship was supposed to be. I’d been told over and over that I was the one doing things the wrong way. That it was my fault it didn’t feel good.
David was so mad when he found out what Derek, that was the guy I was living with, had really been doing. Not just what he’d seen done to me at the club, but what he was doing at our home, he wanted to kill Derek.
“I couldn’t really understand why he was so mad at first. I had to go through a lot of the feelings that you probably feel right now. I didn’t go through anywhere near the stuff you have, but when you feel broken, when you've lost trust in someone you feel like you can’t trust anyone. I know that feeling. I know what you're feeling, baby. But one thing that I’ve learned, that I hope you’ll learn, is that not everyone is out to hurt you. There are a lot more assholes out there than good people, but when you find the good ones, like you found us, well, I can’t explain that very well with words, but I’ll try.”
Charlie smiled, with a look of peace that I so wish for. What would it be like? Will I ever even be able to feel something like that or am I just too broken? I want to believe, need to believe it.
“How did you feel with Molly? When you sat with her, comforting her. Did you give your entire self to comfort her? Just giving and taking comfort?” Charlie softly asked, waiting for my reply.
“She needed me.” “Yes, exactly. In a way it’s like that. It’s a power exchange. I give myself to David, and by doing that, I give David what he needs. Sitting there with David, I give up everything I am, knowing he will take care of me. He’ll make me feel better than anything else can. By giving him the control, my trust and love, it gives him the power to do with me what he will. That does not mean he can abuse me. I need you to know there is a difference. What David needs is to make a sub feel things that they would be too scared to feel with anyone else but in a controlled environment where they can feel safe. It took a really long time, Justin. It wasn’t total, immediate trust with us either. But now I know with every fiber of my being that David won’t hurt me, he makes me feel so good. You know in your mind what we do, that this is a Dom/sub relationship between David and I. You may think you understand it, but until you feel the comfort and love exchanged, you won't truly understand what I’m talking about. One thing I do want you to know is that stop means stop. You say when, what, and how by saying yes or no.”
The earnestness in Charlie’s face stilled some of the apprehension I was feeling. I’d known, like Charlie had said, but I didn’t know if that scared me or if the tumbling emotions warring inside me could be excitement. It was strange, I needed to know what that feeling inside me was.
“So, what, you have a dungeon here where he ties you up?” I’m only half kidding when I ask, wondering what exactly they do.
“Well, we call it a playroom, it's not really a dungeon.” Charlie laughs, lightening the mood that had got a little heavy. “Yes, I like to be tied up sometimes. But you see, David and Simon aren't the only ones who are Doms. What I am is a switch. I like to take the Dom role, but I willingly allow David, and once or twice I’ve also let Simon, be my Dom and punish me when I really need it, particularly while David is deployed. I love both roles as both a Dom and a sub. I don’t want to give up either one, but I am One only to David. I don’t allow anyone else to see that person in me. Like I said, it’s all about trust. And it will take as long as it takes, and it may never happen for you. It may not be what you want or need in the end, and that's okay too.” Charlie runs a finger over my face, smiling when I don’t pull away.
“Baby, you may never want more than comfort. Maybe you’ll want a relationship that sticks closer to the ‘Vanilla Style’.” The gross look that crosses his face tells me that isn’t a world Charlie wants. It makes me laugh, and Charlie chuckles right along with me.
Suddenly, not knowing where I find the courage, I lean in and kiss Charlie. It’s soft and inexperienced, but Charlie stays where he is, allowing me to figure it out on my own. With more fear than courage, I place my hand on Charlie’s face, looking into his eyes and kissing his lips more firmly this time. Feeling Charlie’s hand on my waist, I jerk, not expecting it. But when Charlie tries to lift it away, I place it back on my hip.
I want this. I need to know if I can ever even hope for a connection like Charlie and David have. I’m not sure what I’ll want in the end, but I know, if I’m ever going to solve that question, I have to know first if I can even do the “Vanilla” stuff. Charlie seems to be letting me lead, so I’ll try.
Rubbing my hand against Charlie’s t -shirt covered chest, I concentrate on the kiss, slowly running my tongue against Charlie’s lips, tasting him until he opens his mouth to let me in. Soft, warm, wet, were the words running through my head. Moving forward, more confident with every move, I run my hand under Charlie’s t-shirt, just running my hands over his abs.
“Do you want me to take it off?” The soft words Charlie says don’t make sense for a minute. Charlie's chest is so muscular and silky that it takes a moment to process the words. Finally nodding my agreement, I watch as Charlie strips the shirt off quickly, snuggling back into the pillows.
Wanting to feel skin against skin, my shirt follows Charlie’s off th e bed. Leaning in I run my hand over Charlie’s chest and shoulders. There’s so much warm skin, and hard muscle on Charlie. His chest is covered in hard lines and grooves, hard pecs with just a little hair running down to an eight pack, and the well defined Adonis lines leading to something I don’t want to think about just yet. I just want to think about how good it feels to rub my hand up and down Charlie’s back. How good it feels for his broad chest to press up against my own. How good Charlie tastes as I kiss him.
Charlie’s hand starts to rub circles on my back, soft little swirls. I barely feel his fingertips and goose bumps fly like lightning across my body. Charlie stops when I shudder. “Is this ok? You can tell me to stop.”
Stopping is the last thing I want. I nod, pressing my lips back to Charlie’s harder than before, feeling more than hearing Charlie’s chuckle. I never knew you could smile and kiss at the same time.
Charlie continues to run his fingers over my back, raising his other arm to hold my face, gently rubbing his thumb over my cheek. Kissing me back now, just the way I need, I’m so focused on the kiss I don’t realize I’m getting hard and I can feel that Charlie is hard as well. Pulling the hand from Charlie’s back, I slowly slide my hand into Charlie’s pants, but Charlie stops me, grabbing hold of my wrist and looking me in the eye again.
“Justin, baby, you don’t have to do that. I want you. God, you can feel how much I want you, but you don’t have to do this if you aren’t ready yet.”
“I want to.”
After watching me for a moment Charlie nods and lets go of my wrist, something in my eyes lets him know I really do want this. “Only if you want to, baby.” Making my own choice makes this easier, gives me a small measure of confidence. I don’t know
just how far I can go, but I want this.
I let my hand follow the trail of small hairs on Charlie’s lower abdomen as I watch the way Charlie bites his lower lip before kissing me harder. It makes me smile.
“God that feels so good. Can I touch you? W ill you let me make you feel this good? Please, baby let me.” Holding on to Charlie now, feeling how hard and silky he is, I want to feel it too.
“Yes.” It’s barely a whisper against Charlie’s lips, but Charlie hears me. Pulling back from the kiss, Charlie’s hand runs up and down my chest, slowly sinking below my pajama bottoms. Feeling the firm grip of Charlie’s hand on my cock is a pleasurable surprise. Making me gasp and close my eyes. God that feels good.
“Ok, baby?”
“Yeah...” My gasp quickly turns into a groan. Charlie chuckles, pulling gently at first. But when I start to rock back and forth in Charlie’s hand, he grips a little tighter, starting to kissing up and down my neck. After a few minutes of feeling so good I can’t imagine anything better, I realize my hand on Charlie has stopped. Squeezing harder, I start rubbing up and down, wanting to make Charlie feel good, not like the sort of thing those other guys did to me. I don’t want to think about them, but suddenly there they are. Charlie pulls my hand away, looking into my eyes again.
“No, baby. You need to look at me. I need you to tell me where you are. It’s okay if you want me to stop, I won’t be mad, but I need you to tell me what’s going on in your mind”
Not wanting to go there right now, I shove those thoughts aside. Charlie is trying to pull his hand away, but that isn’t what I want. Looking him in the eye, I try to pull Charlie’s sleep pants down, using my other hand to try and get mine down too. It looks funny and Charlie starts to laugh.
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