by John Ringo
“I couldn’t do nothing!” Kevin finally snapped. “We had to pee, we had to poop! We’d turn our backs and, you know, do it. And sometimes I’d ask Lee Ann if she could maybe turn her back. But I was going that way,” he said, pointing out to sea. “I wasn’t . . . I didn’t . . . I mean, if I was getting in trouble for what I did, that’d be one thing! But I’m getting in trouble and I didn’t even get to . . . I didn’t do anything!”
“Likely story,” Olga said, her arms crossed.
“No, unlikely story,” Walker said. “But that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a lie. I mean, it’s about as bad a lie as you could come up with. I’d have said there was another person in the raft when they first abandoned ship and that he knocked her up.”
Kevin looked at him with his jaw down.
“Why didn’t we think of that!” Lee Ann said. “Damn! But we still didn’t do anything. Honest. Really, we didn’t. I wanted to and . . .” She shut her mouth quickly.
“Okay, now, that is discipline,” Tom said. “You, young man, are a credit to your parents. God bless them and keep them.”
“I still don’t buy it,” Olga said, frowning. “This has only happened once in history and there was a donkey, not a lifeboat, in the story. And I don’t see three wise men.”
“Ah, but there is a rubber lifeboat in this one,” Tom said. “And the romantic tropical currents. How much discipline, children? It is common, we have found, for people in lifeboats in southerly climes to remove much or all of their clothing from time to time. Especially during the daytime. Frequently all.”
Both of them were intently studying the floor.
“Did you or did you not occasionally get naked?” Sophia asked. When there wasn’t an answer she sighed. “Show of hands who has sunbathed nude while on this trip?” she said, raising her hand. Eventually the whole crew had their hands up.
“Seriously?” Lee Ann said, raising her hand tentatively.
“They tell me I have to wear clothes now that I’m an officer,” Sophia said. “It’s a pain.”
“Okay, now I really don’t believe ‘nothing,’ ” Olga said. “You two could not have been nude in the life raft and him do ‘nothing.’ ”
“He’d go over the side and I’d sort of turn my back,” Lee Ann said. “All the time at first, then . . . I got curious. But he had his back turned. I’m still not sure what he was doing. Except it was a lot.”
“Any storms?” Walker asked. “Rain and spray get into the raft?”
“Yes, sir,” Kevin said.
“No way in hell,” Olga said. “You’re serious.”
“Last extremely embarrassing question, Kevin,” Walker asked. “You were in a boat with a beautiful, nubile, young lady you were trying very hard to be a gentleman with. No nocturnal, or rather sleeping, emissions?”
“Uh . . . once,” Kevin said.
“The white stuff?” Lee Ann said. “That was kinda gross. And it was three times.”
“Tada!” Walker said, holding up his hands.
“I’m not buying it,” Olga said. “Were you spooning her?”
“You mean,” Kevin said, leaning over and holding out his hands. “Nooo . . . Not . . . me to her. No way. That would . . . I couldn’t have . . . Uh, uh. She’d curl up to my back. If I’d . . . No.”
“Mr. Walker?” Sophia said.
“There was a previous case of noncontact conception,” Walker said. “Potentially. A young woman near a Civil War battlefield, Shiloh if I recall correctly, was hit by a minié ball in the stomach. In the uterus to be precise. She survived. A few months later she was clearly pregnant. There was a bit of a scandal since ladies were not supposed to get pregnant unless married. She insisted she was a virgin and a doctor confirmed it.”
“Seriously?” Olga said. “You’re making this up.”
“In the battle a young man had been hit in the right testicle by rifle fire,” Walker continued. “Eventually the two were united and ever after people swore the child looked exactly like him. This was, admittedly, based upon the crude medical knowledge of the time and hoary folklore but she did give birth nine months to the day after the battle. And, yes, it was Shiloh—it was what they named the child. They later married and it turned out that one was sufficient as she had four more children by him. All of them looked much the same. Of course, I suppose she could have been banging the same neighbor the whole time.
“Sperm is funny stuff. Some men have sperm that can’t swim straight. Others have, if you will, super sperm. Kryptonite won’t stop the little tadpoles. Oh, here’s another question. Lee Ann, do you like Kevin? Do you, occasionally, get sort of butterflies in your stomach?”
“I love him,” Lee Ann said. “I know this is his baby and I want to have it. I love him. I know you’re going to take him away but I’ll keep looking for him forever. I’ll cross the world and fight zombies to be with him.”
“It should be noted that Romeo and Juliet were fourteen and thirteen respectively,” Walker said. “Ah, true love. Which, among other things, causes the labia to open.”
“The what?” Kevin asked.
“The lips of the vagina,” Walker said. “I’m sure you’ve looked from time to time, you little pervert you. The labia is sort of the last line of defense. Salt water has the same chemical content as blood, semen or, for that matter, vaginal secretions. Which is why they taste salty. A little water in the bottom, a little nocturnal, or diurnal if napping during the day, emission, some sexual desire on the part of the young lady causing the labia to open and, voilà, one blessed event with noncontact conception. Or, if the baby has a white beard and a halo upon birth, I’m wrong.”
“Or they did it like rabbits and are lying,” Olga said.
“There speaks the true cynic,” Walker said. “I’m promoting the vision of a medical miracle, something to be written up in studies if we ever are able to do something like that again, and you’re being a cynic.”
“I’m Ukrainian,” Olga said. “It’s genetic.”
“There’s a way to find out,” Walker said. “However, despite some rather extensive medical background, under the circumstances, the only male in the crew declines to do the check.”
“Extensive medical background?” Sophia asked. “More you have declined to mention?”
“I once took a course that included advanced midwifery, if you will,” Walker said. “More advanced nursing. But I don’t have a license. That’s currently beside the point. Any of you ladies up for doing a little peering? Lee Ann, did you ever go to the private parts doctor before the Plague?”
“Yes,” Lee Ann said. “Once. I sort of started early, and Mom . . .” She bit her lip, clearly trying not to cry.
“Okay, dear,” Walker said, leaning forward and taking her hand. “The thing is, when you ‘do it’ as the young people say, there’s a piece of tissue that tears. It’s why the first time sort of hurts.”
“Kevin told me that,” Lee Ann said.
“I only know ’cause, you know, you know,” Kevin said, incoherently. “I’ve never done it with, you know. I mean, I’ve never even done it, okay? There, I admitted it. I’ve never done it, okay?”
“You seriously think these two could lie about this?” Walker said to Olga.
“Getting to the point of saying no,” Olga said. “That spastic series of sentences could only come from a virgin.”
“The point is, there are other ways it could tear,” Walker said. “Did you use tampons or pads?”
“That’s pretty private, don’t you think?” Lee Ann said.
“I think we’re way past that point of privacy about your twat, Lee Ann,” Walker said. “Tampons or pads?”
“Pads,” Lee Ann said, pouting.
“Okay, now, Miss Olga is going to go with you into the cabin and she’s going to ask you to get like with the private parts doctor. And she’s going to have to fiddle about in your private area.”
“Why me?” Olga said.
“Because if there’s a w
oman on this boat more familiar with that view than you, I’d be much surprised,” Walker said.
“Is that a problem?” Olga said.
“No,” Walker said. “But if it comes up again, I’d like to watch.”
“Okay, you two, time out,” Sophia said. “So you want Olga to do an inspection? Down there?”
“Yes,” Walker said. “If she is virgo intacta there’s no way that he intentionally knocked her up. No seventeen-year-old heterosexual male can stop at ‘I’ll just put in the tip.’ Cannot. We don’t have a speculum but for something this simple you can use your fingers. Use gloves.”
“Miss McGregor,” Sophia said. “Are you okay with this? I’m saying, as the captain, that if everything is . . . there, then it’s not Kevin’s fault. . . .”
“And I’ll get the spare room ready for three wise men,” Olga said.
“Hell, I’m calling the CDC,” Walker said.
* * *
“Ahem,” Olga said, coming out the lower decks. She was drying her hands off.
“Well?” Sophia asked.
“Well . . .” Olga said, frowning furiously. “Ahem . . . The smarmy bastard appears to be right.”
“Smarmy?” Walker said.
“Seriously?” Sophia said.
“Seriously,” Olga said. “It’s there. Fully intact. Shouldn’t it have stopped them?”
“Super sperm,” Walker said, shrugging. “And, Ensign, we really should call the CDC on this one. It’s not their field but it’s truly fascinating, medically.”
“I really didn’t do anything!” Kevin said. “Honest.”
“Except, you know, go all over a lifeboat,” Olga said.
“That is really not something that can be prevented,” Walker said.
“I know,” Olga said. “It’s just . . . Jesus she’s young, Tom!”
“Mary was thirteen,” Walker said, shrugging. “She’s not even the youngest in the squadron. Although the rest were pretty straightforward ‘what happens in the compartment’ and, no, we don’t want your help, thank you. We’re going to be looking for a desert island . . .”
“So what happens now?” Kevin asked.
“What happens now is that when Lee Ann gets her composure again, I get to piss all the women off again.”
* * *
“You’re serious?” Olga said, furiously. “You want them to do it? What is it with you men?”
“You want the full lecture?” Walker asked, seriously. “Or just the medical one? Here’s the medical one. Lee Ann is small. Very small. She’s not fully developed as a woman. She needed about a year to be really ready to be a prima gravitura . . .”
“What?” Sophia asked.
“First-time mother,” Walker snapped. “She is going to need all the help she can get with the delivery if it’s not going to be a C-section. Rate of survival on nonanesthetized, no antilabor drugs C-sections is essentially zero. C-section is out. Theoretically, somebody, not me, could perform a late-term abortion.”
“No,” Lee Ann said, clutching her stomach. “This is my baby.”
“I said theoretically,” Walker said. “We don’t really have the tools. Back at the squadron with some help from the CDC and the shop on the Grace, maybe. Maybe Lieutenant Fallon could do it without botching it. But Lee Ann says no, anyway. So the only functional alternative is natural delivery.”
“Get to the part where Kevin has to boff his twelve-year-old girlfriend,” Olga said.
“Could be any male at this point but Kevin is the best choice,” Walker said. “Vaginal sex during late pregnancy thins the cervical walls and makes for an easier delivery. No matter what, Lee Ann’s delivery is unlikely to be anything like easy. But it makes for an easier delivery. It’s the difference between likely to be deadly and maybe possible. With some actual medical assistance and something resembling an infirmary, which means she needs to be back on the Boadicea. ASAP. But, yes, Kevin needs to begin having sex with Lee Ann. Soon. And frequently. At least once a day.”
“I’m in favor,” Lee Ann said, raising her hand. But she looked a little frightened.
“We need to call this in to Squadron, anyway,” Sophia said. “And we’ll get a medical read on it from CDC. If they know anything about pregnancy.”
“There are books,” Walker said. “I’m sure they’ve got more than epidemiology on their servers.”
“You know what?” Sophia said, rubbing her face. “I know the whole thing about not jumping the chain of command. But this isn’t really military. And I really need to talk to my da right now . . .”
* * *
“So he’s right?” Sophia said.
“From what I’ve read, yes. That was known back when you were . . . Never mind . . . Just . . . Technically he is right. Over.”
“Ick,” Sophia said. “I just . . . Maybe calling you wasn’t the best choice, Da. Over.”
“I’m glad you did. We never get to talk. But, I’ve got to get this straight. This Walker guy thinks she got pregnant from involuntary emissions on the damp bottom of a lifeboat? Over.”
“Yes,” Sophia said. “She’s . . . virgo intacta. And they’re both . . . Like Olga said, only virgins could be that incoherent about it. Over.”
“You’re not particularly incoherent about it, over.”
“You’ve been talking to us about it since we were kids in one way or another,” Sophia said. “And let’s just say this cruise has been a real eye-opener.”
“I’d say sorry but I didn’t start the Plague. Okay, Walker. What’s his medical background, over?”
“I’m not sure,” Sophia said. “He said he took a course once that included advanced midwifery. I’m not even sure what that means except it has to do with delivering babies.”
“God knows we’re going to need it. Okay, I’m going to get the CDC to call you and see if they can confirm what you’ve said. I’m also going to pass this around in the official news bulletin. Over.”
“Uh, isn’t this a little private, Da?” Sophia asked.
“Well, it’s that or every little old lady on the Boadicea will be beating him with their canes. Squadron, out.”
* * *
“Permission to speak, sir?” the chief of boat of the Alexandria said.
“When do you ask, COB?” Vancel replied. “Sure.”
“Hate the situation that we’re in, sir,” the COB said. “Really getting to hate fish. Don’t want to think about what’s happened ashore, sir. But this Wolf Squadron thing is like the best soap opera ever.”
“And turns out she got knocked up by sitting where the guy had spewed in his sleep!”
“No fuckin’ way!”
“That has got to be the lamest excuse ever! ‘No, seriously, Mom, I got pregnant from a life raft deck!’ ”
* * *
“Can you describe these involuntary emissions in more detail?” Dr. Chang said, leaning into the screen. Arnold Chang was an internist as well as an epidemiologist at the CDC whom Dodson had brought in for the consult. “What were the conditions on the interior of the life raft?”
Sophia had seen boiled lobsters less red than Kevin. Lee Ann was just looking pissed. But in a second she’d start crying.
“Doctors . . .” Sophia said.
“Doctors,” Walker said. “Any of us could describe common conditions in life rafts. The interiors are frequently wet from salt spray. When there is rain, it is usually admixed with spray. The salt content is always high, generally higher than salt water. The clothes also tend to develop high salt content, one of the reasons persons tend to disrobe in the tropics besides heat. It would be useful to keep in mind that you are dealing with two victims of extreme trauma. They are still suffering from dehydration, exposure and malnutrition. They are, in addition, quite young. A degree of care needs to be used in your approach, with all due respect.”
“Preliminarily, I concur with your hypothesis, Mr. Walker,” Dr. Dobson said. “As I concur with your sentiment. Among other things, well, one of the r
easons to get into research is we don’t tend to have much in the way of bedside manner. Having reviewed what we have on pregnancy, not enough given your conditions, I also, reluctantly, concur with your advice to begin and maintain sexual congress. That would probably get me de-licensed, given the young lady’s age, were there still a Medical Licensing Board. However, it is the correct medical advice and given that the two are . . . already in the current condition . . . I concur. And, yes, this is one for the record books. . . .”
“One last,” Dr. Chang said. He’d been leafing through a book as they were speaking and now looked up. “Found a coincidental item. Medical report on an accidental pregnancy in Miami, 2007. Persons were in a group that was engaging in sexual activity. They were, in their minds, protected by condoms. However, they did not understand how to properly use them and were sharing. When one male would get done, the other would flip it inside out. Three young ladies became pregnant due to incidental contact. The young ladies were monogamous to single partners but were all pregnant by partners who had shared the condom rather than their primary partners. So something similar has been documented, although a condom being passed around is not the bottom of a rubber lifeboat.”
“Close enough,” Dobson said. “I would say that is a fair confirmation. Tell the young lady and gentlemen we’re sorry for the indelicacy of the questioning. But we’re researchers who have nothing to research. We’re sort of starved for something new. CDC out.”
* * *
Dobson looked across the lab at Barry Martin, his lab assistant.
“You know,” he said, leaning back and interlacing his fingers on his shrinking belly. “When you get into this profession, you think about what you’re going to be doing in the event of a really bad plague. I always saw myself, out there, in the ruins of civilization, wearing a moon suit and searching for survivors. Never in my wildest dreams did I picture being on Skype with a yacht in the middle of the Atlantic trying to figure out how a twelve-year-old girl got pregnant. Just was not on my bucket list . . .”
* * *
“Hey, I just figured something out,” Olga said.