I have dreams of what it was like in that car after it crashed; Linc has memories.
Pushing the thought away since I need to get through the day, I grab a cloth and wipe down a few tables. They’re clean already, but right this second, there’s nothing to do, and with him in the same room as me, I need to keep busy.
The chef seems to work at lightning speed because I swear, he has never made a breakfast faster than he’s made Linc’s. I need more time before I face him again. I’m holding on by a thread here. I pick it up from the hatch and hold my head high as I walk over. He lowers his phone and puts it down on the table.
“Do you need anything? Sauce?” I ask, handing him the plate.
“Thanks, Tilly. This is good how it is.”
I linger for a minute, my mind going blank, feet refusing to move. He watches me like he’s not sure if he should start defending himself in case I attack. I breathe heavier.
Not really sure what I’m doing myself and not wanting to look like a creep, I take a step back. My eyes never leave his, like he’s magnetic or something. Him being here stirs up so many feelings and brings everything back to the surface that I’ve fought to suppress.
I’ve dealt with Robbie’s death in a lot of grief therapy sessions. My therapist, Jennifer, took me through each feeling I had over Robbie’s death, including how I felt about Linc and Stanley. Though I’ve accepted that I can’t forgive them, I thought those feelings were done.
“Are you okay?” he asks, his intense gaze burning through me.
With a soft shake of my head, my heart drops. I murmur, “No,” and walk away.
Those feelings aren’t done.
4
Tilly
After I picked at an old wound by admitting to Linc that I wasn’t okay, Hanna took over the table, and this time, I let her.
That didn’t stop him from looking over at me when Hanna took his plate away. He knew why she was there; he knew that I’d swapped because I couldn’t go back, but he thankfully didn’t try to talk to me. He simply watched me with an unreadable expression.
Very Linc—Lincoln. Very Lincoln.
As if he were controlling time, when he left, the rest of my shift seemed to fly by.
Time is in slow motion whenever he is around, prolonging the pain of my having to see him, as I have to relive the worst moments of my life.
Hanna is meeting Jack after work for drinks in a bar near the restaurant. And she’s somehow managed to convince me to go along, too. Don’t get me wrong; I love going for a drink, but going for a drink with a couple sucks.
“I’m going to be a third wheel,” I grumble even though I can really do with a drink.
She links my arm. “Shut up. I think Mel and Ian are going, too.”
“So, I’ll be a fifth wheel,” I mutter.
Mel and Ian are the other members of our crossover group. Mel is my age, and Ian is two years older, same as Linc. He and Jack are the reason Linc started to hang out with me and my friends more.
I stop outside the bar and grab her wrist. “Wait. Linc isn’t going, is he?”
“Jack hasn’t mentioned it. I don’t think he would invite Linc without asking if I was cool with it.”
“You don’t have to hate him, Hanna.”
She gives me a sad smile. “Neither do you.”
So, why do I feel like I do?
I avert my eyes, but she tugs my hand and forces me to look at her.
“I get it, Tilly, but don’t let Robbie’s death take over every aspect of your life.”
“I haven’t,” I reply, frowning as my back stiffens.
“You’re living at home with your parents and putting uni on hold.”
“It’s just not the right time yet, Han.”
She tilts her head. “You don’t have to rush anything, but you have to do things for the right reasons. Your parents will be fine if you move out, they’ll be fine if uni takes you a little further out, and they’ll be fine if you don’t hate Linc.”
I’m not sure my conscience will be fine if I don’t hate Linc.
“I really, really need a drink,” I say, wanting this conversation over with.
“Okay.” She sighs. “Neither of us has to be at work early, so let’s get drunk.”
“Best idea ever.” I push the door open and immediately spot Jack, Mel, and Ian at a table in the corner of the room.
It’s still relatively early in the evening, so it’s not too busy, but there is a small crowd at the bar, and the whole place smells like beer.
Jack stands up and greets Hanna with a kiss while I hug Mel.
“I’m so glad you’ve come, too,” she says. “How are you doing?”
She knows that Linc is back, but we haven’t had a chance to meet up and talk about it yet.
“I’m fine.”
“She needs a drink, so I’ll go to the bar,” Hanna says.
Jack gently pushes Hanna onto a chair. “No, babe, sit down. I’ll get this round.”
I take a seat, too, after thanking Jack.
“How’s it going?” Ian asks, shifting on his seat. He scratches his chin like he’s guilty of something.
Instantly, I know he’s seen Linc. There’s no need for him to feel bad about that though. I understand Linc still has friends. I never wanted the hostility he received from the town. I just wanted them all to go.
“I’m okay,” I reply, preferring a lie to spilling everything that’s on my mind right now. No one wants me to bring the evening crashing down. “You?”
“I’ve seen him,” he blurts.
Laughing, I nod. “I figured. He is your friend. You don’t owe me an explanation, Ian. You don’t even have to tell me.”
“Right.” He winces. “It’s just that I told him we’d be here tonight—”
“What?” Mel snaps.
He looks at her. “You said you were okay with him.”
Her eyes flick to me like I’m not supposed to know that. “I said I wasn’t going to make your friendship with him difficult, so I’d be civil, Ian.”
“I’m sorry. He just seems so …” Ian trails off, snapping his mouth shut.
“Please don’t argue over this. It’s fine if he comes.” The words flow from my mouth like I mean them.
His eyebrows rise. “Yeah?”
“Are you sure?” Hanna asks. “We can have a girls’ night somewhere else and leave the men here, if you want?”
“Totally,” Mel adds.
“I love you both for that, but I’m fine. I mean, I’m going to see him around, and we do share some of the same friends.”
I will have to see him, no matter if I’d rather not. Besides, once his house is sold, he’ll be gone again.
Maybe, with the sale of their house and them being gone permanently, my parents will breathe a little easier. Things might start to resemble some version of normal.
“He might not even come,” Ian says.
Yeah, right.
“Who might not come?” Jack asks as he puts a tray of drinks on the table.
“I ran into Linc and mentioned we’d be here tonight.”
Jack’s eyes slide to me.
“It’s fine, honestly,” I say. “Thanks for the drink.”
Taking my wine glass, I swig a really big mouthful. It’s definitely a wine night; it gets me drunk a lot faster than beer does.
Would Robbie care at all that I’m possibly about to spend an evening with Linc?
“You really are on it tonight,” Mel says, watching me chug.
“Certainly am.” Even more so now. It’s not even a definite that he will come, but let’s face it; I’m having a shit day, so he’s going to.
Hanna starts a conversation about the festivals we need to attend this year, and I could kiss her. She’s taking the limelight off me because we both know Mel was going to say more things. I love the girl, but she does tend to want to talk everything through then and there, which isn’t always convenient.
I sip my drink, injectin
g myself into the conversation when necessary, but mostly, I just listen.
I’m too distracted to keep up because I feel nauseous, and no matter how many times I sip my drink, my throat is still bone-dry. I wish he would hurry up, so I could get this over with.
My stomach clenches with another sip of my drink.
Ian’s eyes flick behind me.
“He’s here,” I say, watching Ian’s reaction.
Slowly, he nods. “But he’s not moving.” Ian stands up and walks around the table.
“What’s going on?” I mutter.
“He’s watching you again,” Hanna replies. She puts her hand on my arm, squeezing for comfort.
I want to curl up in a ball. Robbie would tell me to snap out of it, that I was friends with Linc before all this, and I shouldn’t let his death affect everything. How could it not though? He was my big brother.
“What are they doing?” I whisper, staring ahead like there’s a Picasso hanging on the wall rather than a stock image of a random boat.
“Ian is talking to him. Linc looks like he’s going to leave.”
Sighing, I put my drink down. My legs, seemingly forming a life of their own, get up and turn around.
One of those adrenaline things again? What are you doing?
“Tilly,” Hanna calls after me as I take uncertain steps toward Linc.
He looks up like he senses me approaching.
Ian follows his gaze and stands straighter, ready to defuse an argument. But I’m not here to argue. I’m tired of being angry, so for tonight, I just want to ignore the past and have a drink with friends. It’s been so long since I’ve done that.
Besides, I can ignore him.
“Tilly,” Linc breathes, deep blue eyes seeking something in mine I can’t quite grasp.
“You good?” Ian asks me.
“I’m fine. Can you give us a minute?” I reply.
He hesitates for a split second but then retreats to our table like he’s being chased.
Linc grips the back of his neck. “I didn’t know you’d be here.”
“Seems to be a theme with that, huh?”
Wincing, he takes a step back. “Are you okay with me staying?”
“I am.” At least, for tonight, I’m working on it. “Can we just have a drink with our friends and ignore everything else?”
“Ignore it?”
“Yes,” I reply sharply, my heart aching at the thought of him trying to talk about Robbie to me. I can’t discuss my brother’s death with one of the people responsible for it.
Linc takes the hint, his shoulders hunching a fraction, as he understands my need to hide from it right now. “All right.” He clears his throat. “Do you want a drink?”
“I have one, thanks, and look, Ian is at the bar, so I assume you’re going to have one in a second, too.” I twist my body but keep my eyes on him. “Our table is this way.”
I avert my eyes, and that’s when I feel the burning of my lungs. Letting out a breath, I walk back to the table, a little light-headed. Being around Linc still hurts so much, but I intend to be drunk tonight, so it won’t matter.
Hanna looks like she has a lot to say when I sit down, and Linc takes a seat next to Jack. At least he’s not next to me.
Giving my not-so-subtle friend the side-eye, I pick my drink up again. Hanna’s lips are pursed, holding in everything she wants to say. Tonight, I do not want to hear it. Besides, I’m sure she would prefer us to all be able to be in the same place again. It does make things easier for her and Jack.
To Hanna, Jack, Mel, and Ian, my friendship with Linc is probably a bit like parents separating. I couldn’t be in the same room as Linc after the accident, and up until this morning at the restaurant, I haven’t been.
Jack and Linc are talking about football. Neither one of them is massively into football—unless that’s changed for Linc—so it’s painfully obvious the subject is for my benefit.
What would they be talking about if I wasn’t here?
Frowning, I grip my drink in my hand.
Does Linc talk about Robbie?
He does I bet.
I lick my dry lips, as the room seems to shrink to half the size.
Mel leans in and whispers, “You okay?”
“Fine.”
My eyes rise, and against my better judgment, they seek Linc. He’s not looking at me anymore, but he looks about as relaxed as I am. This evening is going to be no fun for anyone if we’re both on edge, tension seeping from our every pore. The air is so thick; I could choke on it.
Tell him to stay, Tilly; great idea.
I don’t know how he feels about me—whether he still wishes we were friends or if he hates me, too—but he must want to be anywhere else.
This is my fault really. I was the one to learn he would be here first, so I should have left.
“Here’s your Coke, mate,” Ian says to Linc, placing a tray with five shots on the table.
Can I take them all?
“Who’s driving?” Hanna asks, pointing to the shots and noticing we’re one down. She then notices Linc’s Coke. “Ah, you are.”
He dips his head a fraction. “I don’t drink.”
My breath catches in my throat. He doesn’t drink alcohol anymore?
“Since Robbie?” I ask. The words slip from my mouth before I can engage my brain.
We’ve been sitting down for about three minutes, and I’ve already broken my rule.
Linc’s eye twitches at the mention of my brother’s name. “Yeah, since then,” he confirms.
I put my drink down because the glass was wobbling in my trembling hand as Linc’s eyes cloud. Silence cloaks our table.
5
Tilly
Clearly, I’ve lost my voice, and it seems everyone else around the table is suffering from the same fate. This has never happened before. We can always count on Hanna to say something but not now. No one speaks.
How long has it been now? Ten seconds? Thirty?
Linc hasn’t had a drink since the accident.
I wonder if Stanley has given up drinking, too.
I still drink. Alcohol isn’t the problem. It’s getting behind the wheel after that’s the issue.
“You don’t have to—” I clamp my mouth together.
Sure, he doesn’t have to give up alcohol forever, but it’s not my decision. What he does with his life is none of my business.
Linc shakes his head. “Actually, I do have to. I can’t …” Frowning, he picks up his Coke and looks away from me.
He has to stay away from alcohol? There’s something or someone making him? A medical reason? Is he sick? What illness would make him have to give it up?
Air leaves my lungs like they’ve been squeezed in a vise.
No. He can’t be sick. I don’t want anything to happen to him. That wouldn’t accomplish anything. Nothing will ever bring Robbie back. Linc can’t be ill.
“Will you be here for the cabin, mate?” Ian asks Linc, breaking the silence.
Every year, since they were seventeen, my brother, Stanley, Linc, Ian, Jack, and a couple of other guys I didn’t know that well would go to a cabin on a cliff. Jack’s family is pretty wealthy, and they’ve owned the acres of land for generations. They built a cabin there about ten years ago.
I’ve never been since it’s a boys’ weekend. All I know is that they play a lot of poker and drink beer. Though I’m sure they go out and find a bar to entertain women they find there.
“Maybe,” he replies. “I don’t know how long the house will take, but I’ll meet you guys there wherever I am.”
His eyes flit to mine for a second, unsure if I’m okay with him being around for months, let alone weeks. Their trip to the cabin is always in June, which is six weeks away.
Can I be around him for that long? More importantly, can my parents?
His house is right next door, so there is no way they can go that long without ever seeing him. At one point, he will walk out of his door at the same
time as them. I think Dad would be able to handle it a hell of a lot better than Mum.
How would either of them handle knowing that I’m sitting around the same table as him now? Let’s not think over that betrayal, shall we?
“I think, this year, you should make an exception, and we should come, too,” Hanna says, raising her eyebrow at Jack.
He coughs. “Do you?”
There is room for us since Robbie and Stanley won’t be there.
Unless Stanley will.
The thought makes me almost lose my dinner.
I don’t know if Jack and Ian are still in contact with him. They were always more Linc’s friends since they were in the same year at school.
Mel gasps. “Yes! Come on. It’s time ladies are included in this weekend. You’re all older now.”
“What does our age have to do with a lads’ weekend?” Ian asks, playfully nudging his girlfriend.
I don’t think it’s going to take much for him to cave.
“What do you say, Tilly? Are you up for it, too?” Hanna asks like it’s already a done deal.
There’s nothing I want less than to spend a weekend stuck in a small space with Lincoln Reid.
“Okay, you’re inviting people to a weekend that you’re not even invited to,” Jack says. “No offence, Tilly.”
I hold my hand up, not at all offended. I don’t want to go anyway.
“Baby, us girls are coming, and you know it. You can still do everything you used to do with us there …” She frowns. “Not the things you did before we got together though.”
He rolls his eyes and looks to Ian for help, but all he gets in return is a defeated shrug.
“Perfect!” Hanna claps her hands together. “You definitely need this weekend, too, Tilly, so don’t even try to get out of it.”
Does she somehow assume that, because I waited on Linc this morning and I’m tolerating him now, I want to spend real time with him? Nothing is forgiven or forgotten. I’m not spending time with him. Right now doesn’t count since I didn’t know he would be here.
I give her a weak smile. “Whatever you say.”
After the End Page 3