The air leaves my lungs like they’ve just collapsed at my shock of seeing the culprit.
“Stanley,” I say.
What the hell is he doing here?
Every time home was mentioned in the last four years, he would say with venom that he would rather die than step foot in this town again.
Yet here he is.
“What’s up, bro?” he asks, smirking from behind a mug of tea. “Kettle is still hot.”
“Why are you here?” I ask, folding my arms over my chest.
Shit, he can’t be here.
I wouldn’t put it past him to be here because he’s bored, and he wants to cause a stir in town. He doesn’t care what people say about him as long as they’re talking about him. He hasn’t refused to come back here because he’s worried about what people will say. He’s stayed away, so he can deny responsibility.
He raises his dark eyebrows. “That’s no way to welcome your big brother home, Linc.”
“Just tell me what you’re doing,” I reply, exasperated.
“I thought you could use some help.”
Bullshit.
He’s never cared about what I’ve had to do before.
“What’s the real reason, Stanley?”
Lifting one shoulder in a half-shrug, he replies, “Curiosity.”
“What are you curious about?”
“My hometown.”
“Really? So, you’re going to go out, speak to people, see what’s new, visit Robbie’s grave?”
Stanley’s jaw hardens when I mention Robbie. His cocky facade slips. “I’m here for you and our old house.”
“You should go. I don’t need help, and there’s no reason for you to be here. It’s only going to cause problems.”
“Problems for you? Are we talking about Tilly?”
I walk closer, holding his gaze. “No, we’re not talking about her ever. Get in your car and leave, Stanley. You’re here because you can be. You love the attention, but this isn’t a game. Robbie is dead.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
Blood pumps through my body, making my heart pound in anger. “Then, why did you come back? Don’t be a dick. For once, think about someone other than yourself!”
“For fuck’s sake, Lincoln! I’m entitled to come home. We’re selling the house, and I wanted to see it one last time. I thought I might be able to help you. I didn’t come here to hurt anyone.”
“Then, think about what you’re doing! Think about what you say and how you come across. You look like you don’t care.”
“I don’t give a shit how I look to anyone else.”
“Fine. Whatever. When are you leaving?”
“I planned on staying a week, but given your less than fluffy reception, I think I’ll just stay a few days.”
Fuck’s sake.
He can’t be here, not when I’m finally getting somewhere with Tilly. We need more time before we bring my brother back into the mix. She’s only just okay with seeing me, not him.
And her parents sure as hell won’t want to see Stanley.
I scrub my hand over my face. “Look, I’m going to level with you here, Stanley. Tilly is finally opening up and—”
“So, that’s why you want me gone? This is about pussy.”
“You are such a tosser,” I snap. “Can you stop being so fucking selfish?”
“I knew you liked her.”
“Well observed!”
He puts his mug down and folds his arms. “Family is supposed to come first, yet you want me to leave, so you can get in a girl’s pants.”
“She’s not just any girl, and you need to practice what you preach. When have you put me, Mum, or Dad before yourself? You don’t care about what we’ve given up as long as you’re all right. Stop being such a selfish prick and do the right thing. Leave before Tilly, Emma, or Dan sees you. Or anyone else for that matter. You’re going to do nothing but cause pain here.”
“That’s a bit melodramatic, even for you, little brother.”
I slam my fist down on the countertop. “Are you going to try to talk to Emma and Dan? You never even said sorry to them after the accident.”
“It was an accident,” he growls.
“I know, but that’s not the point.” Why can’t he see it? “How can you be so deep inside your own arse that you can’t see what’s right and wrong here?”
“Right and wrong. You sound like an old man, Linc.”
“I’m not old anything. I’m a man, and you’re acting like a petulant teenager who can’t admit his own faults or take responsibility for his mistakes. I know Mum and Dad have made it very easy for you to avoid blame, but surely, you understand what you did.”
“We’re done here,” he grits through clenched teeth.
“Go, Stanley.”
He rounds the counter, staring me dead in the eye. “I don’t think I will. I’m going for a nap. It was a late night. I’ll see you for dinner.”
“Damn it, Stanley!” I shout, turning and following him out of the kitchen.
No.
My eyes immediately seek her, like I subconsciously knew she was there. Tilly is outside, looking through the long pane of glass beside the door. I might be looking at her, but she’s staring at my brother.
“Tilly,” I call, striding to the front door.
My movement draws her attention, and she spins on her heel and runs.
No.
“Wait!” I wrench the door open and sprint after her. I catch her halfway back to her house. “Tilly, please, let me explain,” I say, wrapping my hand around her wrist to stop her from getting away.
She stops walking, her hands clenching into fists. Very slowly, as if she’s giving herself time to calm down, she turns around. The pained expression on her face, in her tired eyes, rips me apart. Pain slices through my chest.
“Why is he here? You said it was just going to be you!”
“He just turned up. I didn’t know, I swear.” I step closer, pleading with her to believe me. “Tilly, I didn’t know.”
“Why is he here?” she repeats. Her voice is cold and detached, like she’s asking a stranger.
I’m losing her.
“Hey,” I say, tugging her a step closer. “I need you to believe me. Don’t run, Tilly. Talk to me.”
“I can’t see him.” She shakes her head, spilling big tears down her cheeks. “I’m not ready. I didn’t know. He was just there, like a nightmare or something. I wasn’t prepared. You said it was just you, and …” She sobs, ending her rant, and her chest caves inward as she bends down.
“It’s okay.” I lean down, so I’m face-to-face with her, and I cup her chin. “It’s going to be okay. He’s leaving soon. If I’d known, I would have made him stay away.”
Do my parents know about this?
“This is inevitable.”
She looks off to the side, but I don’t think she’s really looking at anything. I feel her getting further away. She’s in her head now, talking herself out of us.
“Don’t do that. We’ve only just started, Tilly. Give me an hour, and he’s gone. Go home, and I’ll call you in a bit.”
Why the hell did he pick now?
She shakes her head and backs up a step, tugging her arm from my grip.
“No,” I say.
It’s in her eyes—flight.
“This isn’t what I want. I can’t deal with him, and he’s your brother. We were stupid to think it could work.”
“Tilly—”
“Don’t, Linc. Just stay away from me for good. I don’t want this. Leave me alone.”
“Tilly, no, please.”
“Leave me alone!” she shouts and sprints to her house.
I hold my breath as this fucking girl tears me to pieces yet again.
39
Tilly
I walk through an aching pain in my chest and heavy legs. My vision is blurred on account of all the tears.
Mum is home, but I can’t hear noise in the house
, so she must have taken her book into the garden, and I have never been so grateful. I slam the front door closed, and my legs give way. I slide down the wooden door, and when my butt hits the hard floor, I wrap my arms around my legs.
Stanley is here.
He took my brother, and he has the front to show up. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I sob into my knees as the hole in my heart widens.
It hurts so much, seeing him again. Robbie didn’t deserve to die. He should be here right now, living his life. I miss him more than I ever imagined was possible, and Stanley turns up like he didn’t ruin my life.
A scream rips from my throat, and I give in to the pain. Whacking my head back against the door, I let the pain bleed from my body.
This is why Linc and I could never be together. I was stupid to think we could. Stanley will always be in his life, and I can’t have him in mine.
I cry for my brother and for a situation so impossibly unfair until my eyes are raw, and each breath feels like cuts to my throat.
My fist grips at my top, digging into my splintering heart.
I need it to all stop. It’s too much. I gasp for air, my free hand digging into the tiled floor.
Close your eyes and breathe.
I have to calm down, but the walls are closing in, darkness beginning to overpower the light. I’m sinking back into the mud. After fighting my way out and almost making it, I’m going back.
I don’t want to.
Hold yourself together. Think.
I gasp again, and my windpipe opens. With my lungs inflating, I manage to push myself to my feet. All I want to do is get into bed, but handling stairs feels like climbing a mountain. I stumble forward like a drunk and grip the banister.
I can’t let Mum see me like this.
Lifting my first foot, I take a step up and wipe tears as they fall. My vision is blurry, but I know where I’m going, so I make my way up by memory.
I get into my room and flop down on the bed. Curling into a ball, I try to hold myself together as everything falls to shit again.
Stanley looks normal. Nothing has changed. When Linc came back, I could see the regret in his eyes—I still can—but Stanley looks like he’s never had a bad day in his life.
What if he stays until the house is done?
I can’t do that. I can’t bump into him all over town.
How will Mum and Dad cope with seeing the reason their son is buried in the ground?
Mum is cool with Linc, and I think Dad will be, too. I love them so much for that, but I can’t expect them to deal with Stanley, too.
“Tilly?” Mum calls softly.
Shit, no.
I freeze, clenching my teeth to try to stop myself from crying. She is going to find out that Stanley is back, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be like this.
Get yourself together for her right now!
I wipe my eyes and sit up. “Hi, Mum.”
“Don’t hi, Mum me. What is going on? Why are you crying? Did it not go well with Lincoln?”
“It …” Oh God, I’m going to have to tell her. Of course I am. She can’t bump into him. “I didn’t even get inside the house.”
“Why not? Honey, we really are okay with this.”
“That’s not it. Stanley was there,” I whisper.
Mum’s face falls. Her once-rosy complexion whitens in a stellar Casper impression. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Linc tried to run after me and explain, but I had to get away. I told him I couldn’t do it and left him standing outside.”
“Tilly,” she breathes. She gulps and shuffles a bit closer to me. “Lincoln cannot control where his brother goes.”
“I understand that. But it was a sharp reminder of what’s between us. Stanley isn’t something we can get past. He’s Linc’s brother.”
“Don’t make rash decisions right now.”
“It’s not rash. How would we make it work?”
Mum shakes her head. “The only people who can answer that is you and Lincoln.”
“I don’t have the answers, and I can’t have Stanley in my life. Being with Linc … well, that would inevitably happen.”
“Lincoln makes you happy.”
“For how long? One day, he will want me to be around his family. He can’t cut them off, and I would never ask him to.”
“I’m so sorry, love.”
My throat closes as the weight of my decision presses down on my chest.
“Me, too,” I whisper and curl my fingers, nails pressing into my palms. “Are you okay?”
She’s so focused on me right now that I don’t think she’s really heard me. The man responsible for her son’s death is sitting next door.
God, I hope Linc makes him leave.
Maybe he will go with him…
No, don’t think about that.
“When Lincoln returned, I did wonder if he would, too.”
Mum hasn’t been able to say Stanley’s name since the accident, but we always know what she means by he or him.
I tuck my legs up into my chest and wrap my arms around them. The aching hole in my heart is spreading and making my stomach churn.
“You prepared yourself for him coming back?”
“Your dad and I have had a conversation. There is nothing we can do to prevent him from coming back, so we have to deal with it until he’s gone.”
Who knows when that will be?
There was a suitcase by the front door, so he was planning on at least one overnight stay.
“How do you deal with it precisely?” I ask.
My mum might be the strongest woman in the world just for getting out of bed each morning, but that doesn’t mean she deals particularly well with anything surrounding Robbie’s death.
“We do nothing differently. I won’t hide in my house, for fear of seeing him. We’ve had some time to get used to Lincoln being back. His return is no longer raw, so I think we’re in a better place to deal with his brother, too.”
I wish I could believe that. I never wanted to see Stanley again, but I didn’t think I would completely melt down like that, and Robbie wasn’t my child.
How can I throw away the one thing that was finally making me genuinely happy, but my parents can go about their daily routine like normal?
Have they overtaken me? Somehow, have they healed, and I’ve missed it?
“Mum,” I whisper, hugging my legs tighter, “everything is a mess again. I miss Linc already.”
She opens her arms, and I fall into them the way I did when I was a child. Her arms, thinner than they used to be, hold me with as much attentiveness as I remember. Sometimes, you just need to hug your mum, and when you’ve messed up your life, yet a-fucking-gain, you need it more than ever.
40
Linc
Day three of Stanley being home rolls in, and I’m so fucking done with everything and everyone. Tilly is avoiding me at all costs. She won’t answer her phone or reply to my text messages.
I haven’t seen her despite no longer going out early in the morning or late at night. She’s probably going out late and early to avoid me, knowing I’ve given that up.
Last night, when I was greeted with her voice mail yet again, I told myself I would give up. But I woke an hour ago, at five a.m., and realised that wasn’t what she wanted. I promised her I would fight, and she told me to fight hard. So, that’s what I’m going to do. No matter how goddamn painful it is, I won’t give up until she can tell me she’s one hundred percent sure we can never be together.
Thing is, I think she might be close to there now. She just had to talk to her parents about us first. If Stanley had only called first. If only I’d had a chance to talk to her about him, work through all that shit before he showed up, maybe we could have figured something out.
He will always be my brother; that will never change. She must understand that.
What did she think would happen? We’d never see him? There wouldn’t be family occasions where we’d all have to be together?
>
In ten or twenty years’ time, would I still be going to weddings solo because she couldn’t be around him?
Did she even think of any of that at all?
If she didn’t, we’re in real trouble. I love the girl with every fibre of my being, but I can’t have half a relationship with her. It’s all or nothing, and I have the distinct feeling that it’s going to be nothing.
But, hey, there’s still hope, right? That old bastard that’s kept me from moving on thousands of times over the last four years.
I’m in the kitchen, chain-drinking coffee, when Stanley walks in at ten a.m.
“Morning, brother,” he says, scratching his head.
I grit my teeth.
“Oh, come on, Linc. You’re still pissy with me?”
“I don’t want to have the same conversation with you over and over,” I tell him. We’ve already spoken about my feelings toward him being here. “What are you doing today?”
“Finishing the bathroom, aren’t we? Or are you really asking when I’m going home … again?”
“Yeah, I’m asking when you’re going home.”
“Not today.”
“Right.”
“Do you want me to talk to Tilly?”
“No.” I stand up, my body moving in reaction to his words. “No fucking way. Don’t go near her. She doesn’t need that.”
He shrugs one shoulder. “It might help.”
“It won’t. You can’t just turn up in town and expect everyone to forgive you. Are you even sorry?”
His chest puffs with a deep breath. If I were scared of him, I’d be on guard now. “I’m trying to help you with your girl trouble.”
“You are the reason I have girl trouble. If you want to help, leave.”
“For how long, Linc? Have you thought ahead? What will you do when the house is finished, huh? Are you going to buy it off Mum and Dad to be with her? You’re supposed to go home and start a business with Dad. Or have you forgotten that now that she’s showing interest?”
Fucking prick.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“No? What part of that did I get wrong?”
“You don’t need to worry about what I’m going to do. I’ll live wherever I want. But it won’t be in this house.”
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