by Amanda Cowen
His lips meld with mine, and his mouth sucks at my bottom lip, then my collarbone and then my breasts. I exhale his name as his hips move back and then forward, back and then forward, until our movements are so rhythmic and fluid it feels like we are moving as one.
“Your lips are the only ones I want to kiss for the rest of my life.” His face softens and he takes my bottom lip softly between his and pulls me into him. “I love you, Quinn.”
His pushes himself deeper inside of me, my legs hooked around his waist. Our eyes meet as he glides in and out of me.
“I love you too.” I grip his back, his skin slick with sweat. As the force of his thrusts spin me closer to ecstasy, I clutch at the sheets.
“Get there,” he growls, and on command, I come apart in wave after wave. He thrusts faster, tensing above me and arching his back. “Fuck, Quinn! I’m coming.”
A moment later, he’s heavy and still on top of me. I glance at the key on the bedside table, but I’m still not sure what to say. I could easily walk away from everything I worked so hard for to be with him. He’s an amazing hockey player and his career would take us all over the country. It’s a dream life, I know this. It’s just not my dream life.
The doorbell rings and we both jump.
“Must be the food.” Cash rolls off of me, reaching for the phone, and clicks to the speaker. “Come on up.”
Our Chinese takeout has arrived.
He presses his face into my neck and mumbles, “God, you smell so good.” Then he jumps out of bed and slides on his underwear. I watch him walk out of the room, my heart pounding like crazy in my chest.
I will tell him.
Just not tonight.
The next morning, my eyes flutter open to the sound of an angry Cash. I toss the sheets off my naked body and slide on a pair of panties and bra. He’s pacing the living room, talking on the phone, staring out the floor to ceiling windows. He’s clearly agitated as he repeats the word no, louder and more irritated three times in a row. He hasn’t noticed me yet and I feel like I am more than intruding.
“I already wired you more than enough this month.” The muscles in his back tense, the angles of the early morning sun illuminating each beautifully defined ripple. “No…I will never agree to that. That’s two thousand more a month." He pauses, listening to the voice on the other end of the line. "For the last time. No. I don't want you here. And after this, I am terminating everything.”
I feel weird eavesdropping. I cough, so he knows I’m there.
He turns his head in my direction, and he smiles, but his eyes seem guarded. I give him an awkward wave. A moment later, his back is to me again. “Yes, for her,” he says into his phone. “How many times do I have to say it? Listen, I have to go.” He clicks off from the call.
I wrap my arms around his neck and smile against his lips. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is fine, Mittens.” He gives me a quick kiss.
“Everything didn’t sound fine.” My words come out more like a sigh. Since Newfoundland, I’ve been trying my hardest to not let his secretive behavior affect me. Even on weird mornings like this, when I walk in on him arguing with a mystery person, all I can hope is that soon he will trust me enough to open up to me. He promised that once he’s ready, he will let me in on his past and how it bears on his future.
And it’s not like I don’t have a secret too.
“It’s nothing you need to worry about.” He runs his thumb down my cheek and places a kiss on my forehead.
But his smile seems forced, and as he wraps me in his arms, he sighs heavily. I press my cheek into his chest, wanting to ask him more, but I’m worried that if I question every little vague or weird thing, I’ll end up pushing him further away. And the last thing I want is to come across as every other whinny and insecure girl he’s ever been with.
“But there is something I need to tell you.” He pushes me back a fraction and his smile is a mile wide, but he seems nervous. “My agent called me earlier this morning.”
“Because?” I raise a brow.
“Because, the Santa Anna Tornados recalled me back on the team. My agent told me last week he heard whispers about the majors presenting me with a deal.”
“Oh my God, Cash! That’s amazing!” I jump on him and wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist.
“It’s all because of you, Mittens. You’re my good luck charm,” he says against my hair.
“I’m so proud of you.”
He laughs and kisses my lips. “Bad news is I’m leaving for Santa Anna in hour to suit up for tonight’s team practice.”
He pulls me down on the sofa to straddle him. I squeal and kiss him on the lips, tossing my hair to the side. I look up at him and he grins smugly. “Do you know what this means for us?”
“Us?”
He grabs my hands and threads his fingers through mine. “I want you to move to Santa Anna with me.”
I shake my head. “Cash”
“I’m back in the majors, Mittens. You don’t need that internship anymore. And forget about grad school. I’m going to take care of you.” His fingers tighten around mine.
I let out a hard sigh and pull free. “I can’t move with you to Santa Anna.”
“So you still don’t want to be with me?” His eyes cloud with hurt.
“That’s not it.” I shift a little, feeling all the blood in my body rush straight to my face. “I accepted an offer of admission at Harvard. I’m moving to Boston.”
He moves me off of his lap and rises to his feet, towering over me. “When were you planning on telling me this?”
I clear my throat and glance up at him through my eyelashes. “Last night. But then you gave me a key to your place and one thing lead to another…” My voice trails off. “I don’t want us to end because of this. I know the timing sucks, but this is what I set out to do and I’m going to do it. Just like you’re resigning with the Tornados. I’m not asking you to understand it and I’m not asking you to be happy about it. I’m asking you to support it.”
He exhales as if the wind has been knocked out of him. “This is our chance for a fresh start. Together.”
I close my eyes. “Cash, please. You didn’t actually think I would turn down Harvard to move to Santa Anna with you, did you? Do you know how unfair of a request that is?”
“You can get an MBA anywhere. I’m scared to lose you because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything I think about. Everything I need. Everything I want. And I love you more than anything else.”
“Not if you don’t want what’s best for me, or want me to be happy.”
“What’s best for you is us. Together in Santa Anna.”
“There can still be us—a long distance us.” I whisper, fighting not to cry. “I can fly to California to see you on holidays and long weekends. You can visit me at Harvard during the off season. This doesn’t have to be the end of us. Can’t we talk about this?”
He lets out a hard, bitter laugh. “You’re ruining everything.”
“And you’re being selfish and unreasonable.”
“You have no idea—” He looks at me, pain reflected in his eyes. “Tell me what happens when you decide your dream job is in New York or Boston and then two years of grad school becomes forever. Can you promise me that that’s not going to happen? That once you graduate, you will adjust your career to be with me?”
“Cash, you know I can’t—”
“Because if you can’t promise me that you will adjust your career to be with me, then we should end this now. I’m not waiting around to have my heart ripped out.”
His words cut me and my chest tightens so much that is hard to breathe. I can’t promise him anything and it’s killing me.
“Can’t we take a few days to think about all of this?” I ask, looking away from his agonized expression.
“No, Quinn. We can’t. I’m getting on a plane right now. Promise me it’s not going to happen.”
&n
bsp; I turn away from him, tears stinging my cheeks. “Then go. If you don’t leave soon you’ll miss your flight.”
He grabs my wrist, but I don’t turn around.
“Answer me, Quinn.”
My heart pounds and I can’t bring myself to look at him. He’s proving what I’ve been scared of all along. What we have isn’t strong enough to survive being apart, because when trust is involved, I don’t have faith in him. He has too many secrets. I have to accept my offer to Harvard. No matter how much it hurts. I have to do this for myself.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He drops my wrist. “The one woman I’m willing to risk everything for, doesn’t even fucking want me.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you. It’s that I have to follow my dreams too. If I don’t, I’m scared that one day I will wake up and resent you for holding me back. I love you too much to let that happen to us. Cash, please don’t do this.”
“No! You don’t do this, Quinn!” His voice is desperate and broken, matching his expression. We both stare at each other in silence, his chest heaving up and down. “Just go.”
I wipe away my tears. “You don’t understand. Going to Harvard is my dream.”
He frowns. “Then don’t let me stop you.”
I turn away from him and walk into his room to grab my things. With tears stinging my eyes, I throw on jeans and a gray sweater. The key to his place sits on the nightstand, the symbol of what we could have been and what I need to leave behind. I suck back the tears as I step onto the elevator, my body trembling.
I’ve made my choice.
Chapter 16
The next few days are like a blur. It’s difficult to focus on anything other than remembering the look on Cash’s face when I told him I chose my education over moving to Santa Anna with him.
In theory, work should be a great distraction. But in reality, when your main job is dealing with a throng of media regarding your ex and his recent NHL contract, it’s a nightmare. He is everywhere, except the one place he should be.
With me.
The internet has been my worst enemy. I even disconnected earlier today, until Theo rushed into my office in a panic because I hadn’t updated the Bruisers Facebook and Twitter feeds with the most recent article on Cash, posted by Hockey Times.
Sitting in my office, I stare at the screen, hesitant to reconnect. Because once I do, I know I will be slapped with a picture of Cash geared up in his Bruisers equipment slicing across the ice. And sure enough, the second I reconnect, there he is illuminated on my screen.
My body starts to shake as my eyes scroll through the article:
Tornados Recall Cash Brooks from AHL Bexley Bruisers
His conditioning stint is over. Cash Brooks is back with the Santa Anna Tornados.
The Tornados announced that they recalled the hotheaded winger from the Bexley Bruisers of the American Hockey League, one year after sending him down to the minors.
In 76 games with the Bruisers, Brooks had twenty-one assists and thirty-six goals.
Brooks’ assignment to Bruisers came just a few hours after he fought with one of his Tornados teammates prior to the team’s departure to begin a four-game road trip through Arizona and California. He had previously missed the last four games with a suspected drinking problem.
With Brooks recalled, the Tornados reassigned Arnie Gibbons back to Bexley.
Substance abuse and his irate temper have played a part in Brooks’ offensive struggles of late. The 23-year-old winger has spent twice as much time in the penalty box as he has on the ice in his last 23 NHL games over the past three seasons, although his lockout-shortened campaign was cut even shorter due to a suspension after he raced across the ice to deliver a vicious, late, blindsided head shot to an opposing player.
“I know I’ve lost my way on the ice through my fists, and I know I can be better than that. I’ve come a long way since then. The game is in me to play and I will,” said Brooks, who has a cap hit of $5.25 million per season, last Monday.
The Tornados returned home from their four-game trip, with only one win and three of a possible eight points against their Pacific Division foes.
The Tornados now open up a six-game home stand, beginning Thursday against the Arizona Sharks.
Since our blowout, he has not once tried to contact me. And as hard as it is to accept that things are over between us, it is even harder to accept that he doesn’t seem to care. I am so desperately in love him, my heart hurts. Which is why I need to let him go, we both need to pursue our goals, even if that means without each other.
“Christ, Quinn. You look like hell.” I jump at the sound of Lyndsey’s voice, turning to face her. She stands in the doorway of my office with a furrowed brow, wearing a tight royal blue dress and nude wedges. “We can’t go clubbing tonight with you looking like that. Did you even brush your hair this morning?”
I shrug. “I don’t remember.” Letting out a sigh, I get up from my chair. “Why are you at my office? I said I’d meet you and the girls after work.”
“Because I’m worried about you, sitting here, everyday flooded with news about Cash.” She tilts her head to the side studying me. “Has he called?”
I shake my head. “No. He hasn’t. And why would he? He made it clear I either move with him to Santa Anna or it’s over. And I made it clear my education comes first. We both want different things.”
She yanks me up from my chair and walks me to the door. “You need to get out of this slump. We’re going shopping for an outfit that you can wear tonight. Believe me Quinny, retail therapy cures every broken heart.”
“Holy smokes.” Lyndsey gives me an approving nod as I step out of the dressing room. “If that outfit doesn’t say I am moving on with my life, I don’t know what does.”
I give her a playful spin. “This dress is pretty awesome. For the first time in days I don’t feel like I want to cry when I look at myself in the mirror.”
Lyndsey laughs. “Give me another spin.”
Complying with her request, I spin around admiring how the red dress I have on hugs my chest and hips in all the right places.
“It’s her!” I hear a high pitched female voice, shrieking over my shoulder. “It’s the model from the pictures.”
The sound of a camera clicking photos startles me, coupled with the sound of Lyndsey’s angry voice.
“Excuse, me? Do we know you?”
Slowly, I turn around to see three young girls gawking up at me. Two of the three girls look like little Barbie dolls, petite and blonde with long lashes batting in my direction. The third girl is tall and has poker straight brown hair flowing elegantly passed her shoulders. She walks over to me and flips open the magazine she is holding in her hands. “Isn’t this you, the model in these pictures with Cash Brooks in the recent issue of Men’s Health?”
Blood rushes in and out of my ears and my heart pounds like crazy in my chest. Her finger points to the insanely hot pictures of me and Cash filling a two-page spread accompanied by his interview.
She watches me closely, waiting for my reaction.
His body, so lean and cut becomes a terrible reminder of how much I crave every inch of him. God he looks gorgeous. Like too gorgeous for someone like me to be stupid enough to let go.
“Oh God – “Are the only words I can muster. My knees quiver and my stomach drops seeing the chemistry between us jump off the page. It hits me square in the gut and temporarily knocks the wind right out of me. I am not ready to face these pictures or the memory of our first kiss during that shoot.
“What was it like touching him?” The girl sighs, looking up at me. “I am so jealous of you. You are the luckiest girl in the world. How did he smell? Were his eyes even bluer up close? He is sooooooo dreamy.”
“Alright, girls, show’s over.” Lyndsey snatches the magazine, giving me a look of sympathy.
“But that’s my magazine,” the girl whines.
“Not anymore.” Lyndsey shoves it under
her armpit. “Be gone.”
The three girls look both shocked and hurt, but also too intimidated by my feisty little sister to argue with her. Hesitantly, they turn around and walk out the front doors of the store.
“I think I might throw up.” I groan and flop down on the stool outside of the dressing room door. “Do you think I made a huge mistake?”
“Quinn, we all know he’s a sexy slice of mancake. And honestly I am terribly jealous that you’ve seen every sacred and delicious part of him. But if he can’t support you then he’s not worth it.”
As reckless and floosy as my sister can be, she would never let a man stand in her way of getting what she wants. She’s right. I watch her toss the magazine into a nearby garbage can with a frown. She calmly gives me a hug and clears her throat. “Come on, he’s not worth the tears. And if there is one thing you need right now to help you cure the pain, it’s a good time with your girls.”
As we enter the club Platinum Blonde, Lyndsey quickly notices Vaughn and Olivia talking to a group of guys. “There they are, in the corner over there.” She points to a small group in the VIP section. In an instant, Vaughn’s eyes meet Lyndsey’s frantic wave. We push through the mass of bodies and up the stairs to their group, where the drinks are flowing.
“Quinny!” Vaughn squeals, and wraps her arms around my neck. “It’s been too long, girl!”
“Move it, Vaughn. Take it easy on Quinn.” Olivia laughs. “I want to give her a hug too.”
Vaughn releases me from her death grip and tosses back her long red hair. “She’s all yours Olivia.”
Olivia embraces me in a hug and kisses my cheek. “Let’s get you a drink!” She turns to the bottle in the middle of the table and pours me a cranberry vodka. “I’m warning you, it’s a stiff one.”
She hands me a drink and I frown down at it. Normally I would refuse, but I promised Lyndsey I’d loosen up and enjoy our night out together.