The night was cool and pleasant, and I found myself wondering where Jo was. Had she already gone back to the coast? These thoughts led to other ones. Was she still thinking about our night? Did she regret it? Had we made a foolish, drunken mistake?
I sure as hell didn’t think it was a mistake. And I knew for certain that I would be thinking about her smile, her eyes, and her naked body for months to come. Maybe more. There had been something electric between us; something I hadn’t felt with any other woman before.
Sure, it could have been because of the alcohol. But a lot—if not most—of my one-night stands involved liquor, and the memory of the girl had never been imprinted on the back of my eyelids like Jo was.
There was nothing I could do to stop thinking about her naked on the bed, or to stop hearing her breathless giggles as I made love to her.
Get a grip, man, I thought as I shook my head in an effort to chase away my thoughts. Made love? Who are you? Romeo?
I was not the man who made love to women. I was not the man who pined after a girl, either. I was a one-night ride, and that was that. My lifestyle didn’t leave wiggle room for emotions to get involved. It was easier to fuck and leave, and when the opportunity came again, repeat the process.
Somehow, I’d have to do the same with Jo because I was committed to this life. I wasn’t leaving it. I’d found my calling, and there was nothing in the world that could ever pull me away from it.
Not even a strawberry-haired girl with a laugh that made my heart swoon.
* * *
By the time morning rolled around, I had convinced myself that Jo leaving the hotel was the best way our night of wild drunk sex could have ended. I attended my morning mission meeting and sat with Grady, who withheld his jokes and wore his serious face as the Colonel ran through our mission and flight patterns.
Once we were dismissed, the squadron headed out to the tarmac, where each of us got in our fighter planes and waited for the command to ascend.
Fifteen minutes later, the sky welcomed me with puffy white clouds and shades of bright blue. All thoughts of Jo disappeared, and I was able to focus on the task at hand. I flew like I always did, like I was part of the plane herself. Barren land passed beneath me, and I lifted the nose of the plane to breach the cloud cover above.
Surrounded by fields of white cotton candy, I smiled to myself as I thought one last time of Jo. I wished good things for her. A bright future. A future she loved on the ocean until she was ready to go home and live a quiet life. I hoped she would marry a rich man who loved her and would cherish her like she deserved. She could fill her home with redheaded children and live happily ever after.
And I would be in the sky where I belonged.
6
Josephine
“You really like him, don’t you?” Macy asked, resting her chin on her knuckles and looking at me like she knew I was hiding a juicy secret.
“Zach?” I asked, trying to play dumb.
“Of course, Zach. Who else?”
We were on our way back to the coast after responding to a distress call from a local fisherman’s boat. He had capsized and taken on a fair amount of water, and he and his crew needed to be brought to shore. Their lifeboat hadn’t been secured properly and had floated a good three miles away by the time we got to them. Idiocy could be a prominent part of the job.
“Sure, I like him.” I shrugged, trying to look innocent. The boat swayed, and I kicked my heels up on the chair beside me as we sat in the mess hall. It was small and bleak, but most things on the boat were. “But I don’t like like him. He’s my brother’s best friend. It’s weird.”
“But not weird enough for you not to sleep with him?” Macy arched a skeptical eyebrow. She had me there. I opened my mouth to retort, and she leaned in closer, a knowing smile on her lips. “Just admit it. You’re more into him than you expected. Hell, I’m into him. He’s super hot. Tell me he was good in bed.”
“Macy! Keep your voice down, damn it. I don’t need any of the guys to hear us talking about this. I’d never live it down.”
“Oh, come off it. They wouldn’t care. Besides, they all know you got laid anyways.”
“What? How?”
“Brad, obviously.”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course. His mouth is bigger than his brain.”
“Duh.” Macy giggled. “Come on. Give me details. It’s been way too long since I... you know.” She winked at me.
“Ugh, fine. It was good, okay? It was really, really good. Like the kind of sex that makes your knees wobbly when you try to walk to the bathroom after.”
“Oh, heck yes it was,” Macy said gleefully.
“But I’m not telling you anything else. It’s personal.”
“Because you like him.”
I stared at her flatly. “Fine. I like him. But he’s Air Force, and I’m Coast Guard, and we’ll probably never see each other again, so it doesn’t matter. Our lives are too different and—”
“Girl, slow down.” Macy held her hands up. “I never said you guys had to get married or anything. I just said you like him. It’s been a long time since a guy made you feel like this, right?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. There were several things Zach had made me feel. Two of them being beautiful and worshipped. The other was sore. I was terribly sore. It had been a long time, and our vigorous sex had created a tightness in my belly, almost like period cramps. “I almost wish I hadn’t gone to that hotel with him.”
“How come?”
“It would be easier not to have known what it would be like,” I said simply.
Macy bit her bottom lip and frowned. “You mean it would be better not to know what you were missing out on?”
I nodded.
Not only had the sex been mind-bogglingly good, but the time I had spent with him, just laughing and talking and dancing, had been some of the best few hours I’d had in years. He made my heart feel light, and the way he looked at me made my head spin. I knew what all these warning signs were.
I loved Zachary Flynn. My teenage girl crush had never gone away, and now, as a grown woman, I was back in the exact same spot I was in all those years ago: pining after a man who had always been, and would continue to be, just out of my reach.
There was no option for me but to keep my head down and do my job. Zach was in love with one thing and one thing only, and that was the sky. He was Air Force through and through. It was his life. To think that he and I could ever become something outside of our service was just foolish daydreaming.
I’d put him in my rearview mirror and forgotten him once. I could do it again.
It would be harder now because of the intimacy we had shared, but I was sure I could do it. The distraction of my job, the ocean, and my fellow Coast Guardsmen would be the perfect recipe. And time.
Time always helped.
*Six Weeks Later*
Macy stepped into the unisex bathroom at the back of the coffee shop behind me and closed the door. She locked it and turned to face me, pressing her shoulder blades to the door. After rummaging through her purse on her hip, she pulled out a small cardboard box covered in pink and blue labels.
“Did anyone see you bring it in?” I asked, my stomach a tight knot of nerves.
Macy shook her head once. “No, but Brad and Glen are at the front table. They might wonder what’s taking so long if we dilly dally.”
“Okay,” I said, taking the box from her with a shaking hand. I opened one end and poured the small white stick out. This was the second pregnancy test I’d taken in my life. The first one was when I was only nineteen, and my paranoia had convinced me I was pregnant when I was only two days late for my period.
Now, I had missed two periods in a row and was constantly seasick, and I was a person who had never been seasick in my life. When I’d come to Macy with my concerns, she told me we would get a test next time we went into town, just to make sure I wasn’t pregnant.
Being in the Coast Guard while growi
ng a tiny human inside you was impractical and unsafe. Not to mention irresponsible.
I popped the cap off the pregnancy stick and looked nervously up at Macy. She looked equally as terrified as I felt, which I found very comforting for some reason. She forced a reassuring smile and nodded encouragingly. “I’m going to face the door. You make the pee happen. And then we’ll wait together.”
“Okay,” I said, my voice hollow.
Macy turned around, and I dropped my pants. I held the stick between my legs and waited an excruciating thirty seconds before I was able to pee. Having an audience made me anxious. I’d never been one of those girls who could drop her pants and pee with a girlfriend in the bathroom. I had a hard enough time going in a stall in a public washroom when other people were around.
When I was done, I put the cap back on the stick, pulled my jeans up, and set it down on the edge of the sink.
“I’ve never been so nervous before,” I muttered, running my hands up and down my thighs. My sweaty palms pulled at the denim.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Macy said confidently. “I’ve heard that some women convince themselves they’re pregnant to the point where their body actually believes it. You’re probably getting worked up over nothing.”
“Yeah,” I said quietly. “Probably.” Hopefully.
But I knew I wasn’t getting worked up over just nothing. I knew the truth. My body felt different; off, somehow. The spontaneous nausea and cravings for sour candy and chocolate chip mint ice cream spoke volumes. Something was up, and my symptoms pointed to one very obvious diagnosis. I just wasn’t willing to say it out loud yet. Not without proof.
The two minutes we had to wait for the test were the most agonizing two minutes of my life. Macy seemed equally tense because she didn’t say anything. Both of us waited in silence until the test was done.
“I can’t look at it,” I whispered.
“Do you want me to?” Macy asked.
No, I didn’t. But I needed to know. I nodded.
“Okay,” she said, and she moved from the door to the sink.
My heart pounded in my chest as she plucked it from the porcelain and stared down at the tiny square in the middle of the stick. Blood rushed in my ears. My palms were suddenly sweaty, and all I could think about was a childbirth video my biology teacher had made us watch in high school.
I buried my face in my hands. “Just tell me, Macy.”
Macy cleared her throat. “It’s positive, Jo.”
“Oh God,” I whispered, pressing my face deeper into my hands and then running them into my hair. “What am I going to do?”
Macy went to the toilet and closed the lid. She took me by the shoulders and steered me to it, then pushed me gently down. Once I was sitting, she crouched in front of me. “You have options, Jo. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You just have to decide what you want. I’ll help you. No matter what you choose, I’ll help you.”
Tears sprang to life in my eyes, and I wiped at them furiously. I hated being emotional. I hated losing control. “What would you do?” I whispered.
Macy’s eyes flicked back and forth between mine as I met her gaze. She looked back down at the pregnancy stick in her hand. “I don’t know, Jo. It’s a big decision. I don’t think I would do anything right away. I’d take my time and think about it for a couple of days, you know? Just sort through how you’re feeling. Nothing can change in a couple of days. Then I would weigh my options and decide what matters more to me.”
“And?”
She smiled faintly. “I’ve always wanted a family. You know that. If the timing was when I didn’t expect it, then so be it. I’d make it work.”
I nodded and bit my bottom lip as more tears spilled down my cheeks.
Macy squeezed my knee. “But you don’t have to do that. You’d give up a lot. Like the Coast Guard.”
“I know,” I whispered. “But I can’t—I can’t—”
Macy leaned into me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders as I started to cry. “You can’t what, babe? Tell me.”
“I can’t just get rid of it,” I said as my voice cracked.
“Then don’t. Call Zach. Tell him—”
“No,” I said hurriedly. I pushed her away and wiped my cheeks dry. I had to pull myself together. The guys were waiting at the front of the shop, and the last thing I needed was them figuring shit out before I was ready to come clean. “Zach can’t know about this.”
“Why not? He’s the father. He deserves to know you’re—”
“No!” I said again. I regretted my tone as Macy flinched. “I’m sorry. I just… I know Zach, and I know this isn’t what he wanted. I made a mistake. I should have been more careful. He even asked—ugh, forget it. I can do this on my own. I can’t take Zach away from what he loves for me.”
Macy shook her head at me. “Not for you. For his unborn child. This is bigger than just the two of you now, if you decide to go through with this.”
“I get it, Macy. Trust me. But Zach deserves more than that. He’s not a family man. He never wanted this. He wants to be in the air in his plane. He craves freedom. I won’t tie him down. I can’t. I care too much about him. Besides, I have a backup plan. I can go home and work for my dad. It’s been his dream that I take over the family business anyway. Maybe this is just how it’s supposed to be.”
The look in Macy’s eyes told me what I already knew: I was compromising my future.
I nodded assertively as if to convince myself that I was making the right decision. “Houston is the best option. I can do this there. My dad and my brother will help me.”
Macy closed her hand over mine. “Okay. At least let me help you get out of the Coast Guard.”
I nodded, and the tears returned with ferocity. A sob escaped me, and Macy pulled me in for another tight hug that I desperately needed. I clung to her and let the crying take hold. If I could get it out of my system now, I could keep it together for all the hard stuff coming up.
Like quitting the only thing that had ever made me happy in life.
“Thanks, Macy,” I said.
“I’ve got you, babe. No matter what. I promise.”
7
Zach
*5 Years Later*
I slid the knife out of my back pocket and bent down to cut through the layers of packing tape my mother had used on one of her moving boxes labeled “pictures and frames.” I flipped open the top to lean forward and peer into a neatly packed box full of familiar images of my childhood and other family members. At the very top was a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day.
My father was wearing a powder-blue suit and a black bow tie. The sleeves of my mother’s dress were to her wrists, with puffy shoulders adorned with jewels and lace. It was, by no measure, understated.
There had been one hundred and twelve people at the ceremony and reception, and the picture had been snapped by my now deceased Uncle, who had stood at the bottom of the church stairs while my parents came outside after officially becoming husband and wife. My mother, a dark-haired and beautiful young woman, was smiling up at my father, a massive, broad-shouldered man dressed in his formal military uniform.
I felt a light hand rest on my shoulder as my mother leaned around me to stare at the picture I had just pulled from the top of the box. “That is one of my favorites of your father,” she said softly. “He never liked pictures very much, and this is one of the only ones where he’s wearing his real smile.” She took the picture from me and ran her thumb over my dad’s face. Then she walked to the white trimmed fireplace and set the frame down in the middle of the mantle.
I stood and crossed my arms over my chest as my mother stood back to make sure the picture was centered. She sighed sadly then looked over at me. Her eyes were pink and puffy, as they had been for the last couple of weeks since I came home for my father’s funeral. She had good moments and bad moments, all spread out and jumbled in a chaotic and confusing order. One minute, she would be smiling
and remembering him, and the next, she would be sobbing so uncontrollably that she would make me emotional.
And I was not a crier by any stretch.
But my dad was my hero. He always had been. And to lose him so suddenly after not seeing him for almost a year was weighing heavily on me. The heart attack had been swift and killed him almost instantly. At least, that was what the doctors told my mom. He had been at his local Legion, playing chess with some old friends when it happened. My mother had told me repeatedly since I got home that she wished she had been with him to say goodbye.
I was silently grateful that she hadn’t been. She didn’t need the memory of her only love collapsing to the floor, dead, burned into the back of her mind forever.
My mother sniffled and pushed her silver-framed glasses higher up her nose. She pulled a tissue from the depths of her sleeve, dabbed at her eyes, and then tucked it back inside before returning to the box at my feet to pull out more photos, which joined the one already on the mantle.
I helped her work quietly until a few more boxes were unpacked. There were more to bring from the old house, but my mother told me she wanted to stop for the day. “It’s too hard to do it in one big chunk. Too big of a change.”
“That’s fine, Ma. I understand. I can come back in a couple of days, and we can make another trip. A few boxes at a time. We’ll get it all done.”
The house she and my father lived in was the same one I grew up in, a traditional country home with four bedrooms, two living rooms, three bathrooms, and a large piece of property. It was too much house for an elderly woman.
With connections from high school, I found my mother a brand new one-bedroom condo not far from her old house. I didn’t want her to have to learn a new community. The smaller the changes, the better. The condo was perfect for her, and in time, she would form new habits, new routines, and eventually, this place would feel like home.
Air Force Hero Page 4