He starts pacing again, his right hand waving as if he’s trying to pluck the words he needs out of the air. “It’s a long story and not many people know it. But all of them are loyal to me. And they know that I would burn the world to ashes before I let anything happen to her. Promise me you won’t write about her.”
I’m torn because this is the dirt I’ve been tasked to find. This is my ticket to a ground-breaking interview series that could launch my career. But I know I didn’t come by it the way I should have, and whatever Keith’s story is, he has every right to keep Carsen a secret if he wants to. It’s not moral—hell, it’s not even right to expose Carsen. She’s just a little girl, and judging by the way he’s reacting, he definitely wants to keep her existence unknown.
I also hear the threat about burning the world, and I have no doubt that he’d do it in a heartbeat, me included in the flames.
“I promise,” I solemnly say, holding my hand over my heart. “I won’t write about her if you don’t want me to. But I don’t understand why she’s such a secret. Tell me, Keith. Please. All the things we’ve already shared? Articles be damned, tell me.”
Keith stops, seeing I’m being very serious, and turns to face me, his hands clasped behind his back. Probably to keep them from shaking as I see his shoulders twitching. “She’s the secret I always keep. I don’t let the world know about her because I want Carsen to have as normal a childhood as she possibly can. She goes to a regular school . . . without bodyguards. She can go to the park or the mall with her aunt and nobody knows who she is. Carsen comes on tour with me and can walk around in the crowd without a second glance. I want that for her . . . the gift of being just a normal kid. If people find out she’s my daughter, all of that would change. Paparazzi would chase her, take pictures of her, and fans could approach her. I won’t let that happen. I won’t let my daughter be turned into some fucked up tabloid fodder celebutante.”
I flinch, knowing that’s why the vibe in the kitchen was so chilly. They’d all assumed that as a tabloid reporter, I would throw them under the bus and cash in on the big scoop, drastically changing their whole world with one broad sweep of my pen, exposing Keith’s deepest secret.
I’ll admit there was a tiny piece of me that considered it, but it’s that deep, ugly part inside us all that plays devil’s advocate, tempting the part that dreams of bigger and better things.
The larger piece of my conscience knows I would never reveal something like this if Keith doesn’t want me to. I’ve been silent too long, my thoughts ping-ponging as I study all the angles of the problem, and Keith comes to stand in front of me, looming over me but somehow feeling as though he’s begging on his knees.
I look up at him, and I can see it in his eyes . . . the pain, the fear, the confusion. I reach out, putting my hand on his stomach. “Keith, I won’t write about her. I won’t say a word. I promise. Will you tell me everything though? I feel like we’ve shared so much, our bodies and our souls naked as we’ve talked about everything. But this is huge. I feel like you’ve been hiding this big piece of who you are, even as I was telling you everything with nothing held back. This is about trust.”
He sighs, sitting down in a chair next to me with his elbows on his knees, head hanging low. “All of this is a hundred percent off-the-record. I’m not kidding, Elise.”
I nod, putting my hand over my heart. “As God is my witness, I promise you Carsen’s name will never see the light of day.”
Keith nods and begins. At first, his voice is slightly tentative, filled with pauses, and I’m reminded of how I sometimes type. “When I was a kid, I had a girlfriend, Janie. She was my high-school sweetheart. We wanted different things. She wanted to settle in our small hometown, and by then, I was already dreaming of Nashville and being a musician. When I left after graduation for Boise, it was amicable enough, I thought. We didn’t know it at the time, but she was pregnant.”
“How’d she . . .?” I ask, feeling stupid as soon as it leaves my mouth.
Keith shrugs. “I was a teenager, in love, and stupid. Anyway, shortly after I left, she moved away to live with her grandmother, keeping the pregnancy a secret. That sort of town, you understand. Only her parents knew and they were disappointed, wanted her to go away to her grandmother’s too. She gave birth to Carsen and then stayed with her grandmother for almost two years after having her. The two of them did a great job raising Carsen. She was a lucky baby, loved and well cared for.”
“She didn’t tell you?”
Keith shakes his head. “But when Janie’s grandmother passed away unexpectedly, Janie couldn’t do it alone and didn’t want to go back to her parents. She showed up on the doorstep of my crappy, rundown hovel of a studio apartment with an almost two-year-old toddler on her hip. I hadn’t seen her in years by then.
“She begged for forgiveness, and it wasn’t like I could turn her away. She had my daughter with her. She moved in that day. It was awkward at first. We didn’t really have feelings for each other anymore, but we’d made this amazing little person together.”
I can’t help but give Keith a sad smile. In one short statement, he told me so many things about himself and the sort of person he is. It doesn’t even matter about the rest. But still, I need to listen, to know the details. “What happened?”
“I did,” Keith says softly. “I would go back and forth from being mad at Janie for taking those two years of Carsen’s life away from me to thankful she’d done this selfless thing to let me chase my dreams unencumbered, even if she thought it was because I wouldn’t be able to support them, financially or emotionally. I mean, I’d left her . . . them, even if I didn’t know it . . . for what? To play in smoky bars for drunks for all hours of the night? But she gave me this incredible gift. Carsen stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on her.
“We’d been living together for about six months when Janie didn’t come home after work one day. I was scared something had happened to her, but I had a gig at a new club, the biggest one I’d ever played. I had to leave Carsen with a neighbor, and I called Janie over and over between sets.”
“No answer,” I say, reading where this is going.
Keith shakes his head again, his voice hitching as I see tears well up in the corners of his eyes. “The next morning, her parents called me. Janie had been walking home, crossing the street, and a drunk driver hit her before running into a pole. Janie didn’t make it. She died instantly. The driver died too. The police had called Janie’s next of kin, her parents. Not me, because I wasn’t her husband. I was just the father of her child whom she lived with.”
I can see the hurt in his eyes, and my heart aches to soothe Keith’s pain. So much pain, more than any one man should have by himself. “Keith, I’m sorry.”
He nods, plunging ahead because he has to unburden himself of this weight. “It messed me up bad for a while. Luckily, Janie’s parents were fine with Carsen staying with me. They could’ve fought me for custody, especially since I was barely scraping by back then. But they agreed that Carsen needed to be with her father. I think they felt guilty over what happened with Janie before she left home, and having that reminder wasn’t something they could handle. That’s when Sarah came to Boise to help me. She stayed with me in that shack of a room, taking care of Carsen. Hell, taking care of me. And that’s when I got another call.
“That night, the same night Janie had been hit . . . there’d been an A&R at the new club and he’d liked my sets. He told me to get my ass to Nashville, that I was good, had potential but had some growing to do.”
A&R . . . industry term for a talent scout. “What did you do?”
Keith laughs bitterly. “I was in bad shape, but Sarah knocked some sense into me, literally and figuratively. So we moved to Nashville, the three of us. I played there for a while, learning as much as I could, and one night, that same guy came in. That’s when I got a contract and the machine of my ‘career’ started really turning. At first, it wasn’t really a conscious decision
to keep quiet about her. But when things started happening fast, I realized how quickly my life was changing and was scared what that would do to her. I wanted her to have as normal a life as possible.”
“How many people know about Carsen?” I ask curiously. “The record company has to know.”
“Their lawyer does. It’s part of the whole copyright estate thing,” Keith says, “but not too many people, actually. Only those I truly trust.”
He doesn’t have to say it, but I’m obviously not one of those people, but now I know too. He’s quiet, the weight of everything he just said heavy in the room as I digest it all.
“So? What do you think?” he asks. “Devoted father? Misguided fuckup?”
I stand, moving in front of him, and kneel down between his legs to bring myself to the same level and look him directly in the eyes. “I think you sound like a wonderful father who loves his daughter very much.”
“Thank you.” I can feel his relief at my positive judgment. “I haven’t told anyone this in a very long time. Elise, can I trust you with this?”
There’s no doubt in my mind or my heart as I nod, taking his hands. “I know that even though I’m saying yes, you’ll have doubts. That it’ll take time for you to trust me. But Keith . . . yes. I will never tell, and if I can, I’d like to get to know you more, and Carsen too, if you’re okay with that?”
He scans my face, looking for any trace of lie, but I’m telling the truth. I may not quite understand Keith’s vehemence at keeping Carsen a secret, but if that’s what he wants, I can support him and not be the weapon of destruction that obliterates the normal life he’s built for his daughter over the last decade.
He leans forward, kissing me softly but holding my chin firmly in his palm. After a moment, he pulls back. “Thank you.”
I press my lips to his once more, relief and joy filling my heart. “Thank you for telling me. I know you’re scared.”
A thought occurs to me, and I smile as I lean back. “Is this why? I mean, why you don’t date?”
He dips his head once, smirking a little. “Carsen has already had it so tough. Too many deaths, and then she’s forced to keep this big secret so that her life can stay the way it is. That’s heavy for a kid. She’s happy the way things are, so I want to keep it that way. I promised to keep my focus on her and my music, make things as simple and easy for her as I can.”
I sit back on my heels, putting my hands on top of my thighs and tilting my head questioningly. “But what about you? Don’t you deserve to be happy too? It’s good for kids to see their parents loved and in love. That’s how they learn what a relationship can be. Did it ever occur to you that by locking yourselves away, you’re taking away both of your opportunities to have that? You’re teaching her that to be a good parent, you have to be a martyr.”
“No, I never thought about that until recently,” he admits, looking a bit shell-shocked by what I’ve said. “Giving Carsen a normal life has just always been the priority. But it seems you and Sarah share the same point of view. She said something very similar to me. Let’s say it pushed me over the edge toward us . . . you know.” He lets out a huff. “This is all just a bit overwhelming.”
“Points for your sister. I owe her a box of chocolates or something,” I reply. “You’re not the only one feeling overwhelmed. Because I just found out that the guy I’m head over heels for is not only majorly out of my league, but he’s a fucking awesome dad who takes great care of his daughter.”
He smirks at me, leaning forward, and his aura of confident command slips back into place like a familiar glove. “Head over heels?”
I bite my lip, again blushing furiously. “Uhm, can we pretend like you didn’t hear that? I feel like we’ve maybe done enough expose for the moment. Oh, speaking of expose . . .”
He looks at me, his eyes narrowing, but I at least seem to have distracted him from my slip of the tongue. “Two things. One, on the article front . . . we really are going to have to come up with something more exciting than fishing as a hobby. I don’t know, maybe like you’re into bows and arrows or something?”
“I’ve shot a bow three times in my life,” Keith says but shrugs.
I grin, figuring we can come up with something. “And two, can you maybe tell Carsen I’m not the boogieman? She looked terrified of me.”
He laughs a bit, and it sounds foreign after the deep conversation we’ve just had. He pulls me into his lap, my legs hanging off the side of the chair as he wraps his arms around me, his hands resting lightly on top of my ass.
“What’s wrong with fishing? I like to fish. And yeah, I can talk to Carsen about you. She knows to avoid questions, so I think she felt bad that she accidentally spilled the beans.”
I smile, feeling something pressed against my panties that certainly tells me Keith’s accepting this more and more. “Well, she probably wasn’t expecting to find me in your kitchen in the middle of the morning.”
Keith growls, nuzzling into my neck. “I think I like you in my kitchen. And in the living room. And in my bedroom. Shit, definitely in my bedroom.”
He nibbles at me, tickling my neck, and I squeal, squirming as I playfully fight back even though I love it. He pauses, looking at me intensely. “Are we okay, Elise? Really?”
I scratch my fingers through the morning scruff on his face and over the slight prickle of hairs on top of his head as I meet his eyes. “Yes, Keith. We’re okay. Except that Sarah and Carsen are going to be back soon and I’m still wearing just your t-shirt and nothing else. Awkward. Especially since you’re making my panties wet again.”
Keith hums, squeezing my ass tightly. “Can’t have that, now can we?”
With a single exhilarating swoop, he stands, holding me with one arm under my knees and one behind my back. “Seems like a quick shower is in order. Maybe I can help with your back?”
I purr, scratching the back of his neck lightly. “You can help everywhere.”
Chapter 14
Keith
Even though Elise is dressed again, in the same leggings and pale blue sweater she wore here yesterday, it’s still awkward when Sarah and Carsen pull up out front as I’m kissing Elise good-bye.
Apparently, the shower wasn’t fast enough even though we really did just wash up. Our bodies spent from the night and morning and our minds racing with all the revelations, we just soaped up and rinsed off. Although I did take my time helping Elise dry off. Thoroughly.
With one more soft kiss, she bounds down the front steps toward her car, waving shyly at Sarah and Carsen, but the truth is in her eyes, which are shining bright. Her words come back to me . . . head over heels.
There’s still a lurch in my gut, a moment of worry rearing its dark head. What if she’s bounding off to go tell her boss she just got the best story ever and that’s why she’s so damn happy? I shake my head, letting the thought go. I need to trust her. She said she would keep this secret, and everything about her said she was telling the truth. The look in her eyes . . . if I’m to ever become the man I want to be, the father I want to be, I need to trust those eyes.
Sarah gives me an appraising look as they come inside, her face neutral even as she looks at me hopefully. “Well, how’d it go?”
For some reason, I decide to be playful. “Well . . . I hear that they’ve got good land for sale in Costa Rica, and we can live there for the rest of our lives quite well.”
Sarah sticks out her tongue and punches me in the shoulder. “Come on, I’m being serious!”
I grin, putting an arm around her shoulders. “Better than expected, for damn sure. She says she’ll stay quiet about the whole thing. I want to believe her, but I might’ve also been a bit threatening.”
Sarah grins, elbowing me in the side. “Threatened her? I’m thinking that didn’t go over too well.”
Actually, she climbed into my lap and told me her panties were wet . . . “Well, okay . . .maybe I didn’t exactly threaten her. Just told her that I’d burn the world to
ash to protect Carsen if need be.”
Sarah pats my chest, smiling. “That’s not a threat. That’s a promise, because I’d be there with the matches to help you light the flamethrower.”
We walk in the kitchen, where Carsen is already sitting, a pen and piece of paper in front of her on the table. She’s all business. “Again, I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect that you’d have, uhm, company when I came in.”
She’s blushing, but she continues, looking more like the world’s smallest lawyer or politician than a little girl. “What’s the fallout? Whatever needs to happen, I understand. But please, please do not make me change schools.”
She’s poised like she’s going to take notes on some new security protocol, and it makes me grin, but it also makes my heart ache. Most of the time, I still see her as the little thing that used to curl up in my lap and fall asleep to cartoons.
But she’s growing up, too. And she needs to know that life is more than sneaking around to avoid the media. In that, maybe I do need to change, while still figuring out how to protect her. And I thought learning how to play guitar and sing at the same time was hard. “Carson, baby. It’s okay,” I tell her, cupping her face. “This is your home and you did what you have every right to do. I’m sorry that I’ve put you and Sarah in a tough spot, but I talked with Elise. She’s agreed to not write or say anything about you.”
Carsen’s frown softens, and she looks like she might actually smile. “Really? That means I can stay at my school, right?”
I nod, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze. “Yes, we’ll ride it out for now. I trust Elise and I think we should have faith that it’s all gonna be fine.” Maybe that’s not entirely true yet, but I’m hopeful and I think parents are allowed to paint an optimistic picture for their kids. At least I hope so, because I’m trying hard to be positive here and not freak out now that Elise is gone, maybe putting my family on the news.
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