“In a heartbeat.”
This time I couldn’t help myself. I hugged him like I knew I wanted, but not in that way—not at that moment. He understood that. “Jace, as long as you can put up with me, stick around as long as you like, as close as you like.”
He hugged me so tightly and took me in like he was trying to remember everything about me. Then he let go of me and held me by my arms in the most genteel way and looked into my eyes, deeply, like he was trying to see my soul. I couldn’t help but look deeply into his eyes too. He was the most beautiful human being to me. Almost too good to be true. There was something else to him. I wish I could have put my finger on it.
“Thank you Lily, I won’t let you down.” I knew he wouldn’t.
He kissed me, on the forehead, I was surprisingly disappointed. He saw that and a laughing sparkle in his eyes gave his hopefulness away. I was beginning to see us as a possibility. I wrapped my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest, because I couldn’t wrap my mind around that thought—yet.
After class we met Chelsea, Dave, and Brianna for lunch. Ty was going to meet us there. Walking to the Caf he took my hand again, this time purposely. “Is this okay?”
His hand felt good in mine, but . . . friend, I kept reminding myself. “Friends hold hands sometimes.”
“Lily if you’d rather me let go I will.” Surprisingly the answer that was in my mind didn’t come out of my mouth.
“No . . . I’m okay with this.” I was even shocked by why I continued to allow this.
“Good, you know what I just realized?”
“What?”
“That I don’t know your middle name. What is it?”
I blushed. “Well it’s not exactly a fit for me, I don’t think.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“It’s Grace.”
He wore this adoring expression across his face; it made me a little self-conscious, like he didn’t think it fit me either. “I think it fits you perfectly. Grace under fire is what it reminds me of. You have been through so much, but so far have seemed to come out on top.”
You know, I’m not sure what came over me at that moment, but I felt a sudden urge to tell him everything, like I wanted him to know the real me and what he had enlisted for, because I really didn’t think he knew. I kept it to myself though. I needed someone that was closer than a friend, but not close enough to be anything else at that time—although I thought that’s what I wanted with him.
Of course at that time in my life when everything was happening, I thought it would be dangerous to fall for him, believing it would only be on the rebound. Patience hath no man like Jace, not until later. Then there was another.
* * * *
Ty met us at the door of the Caf. “Hey guys let’s go to the SUB (student union building) and eat. The SUB was set up similar to a road-side diner; they served hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken fingers, and things like that. It was basically a fast-food restaurant. Besides the little restaurant there were pool tables, arcade games, and a small movie theatre. It was basically a place for students to hang out.
We all walked in the door and there was Chance, talking to one of the military recruiting officers that visited campus occasionally. I froze, Jace took my hand tighter and pulled me on through the door, I felt my fear go away. I suddenly felt courage; Jace had that effect on me.
I walked straight through even though I could feel Chance staring a hole through my back. I was able to ignore his stare and not be afraid. Jace seated me in between him and Ty. I found out later he did that for a reason. We all sat and enjoyed our lunch. I had one more class afterwards that Ty had with me, so I figured out that Ty was walking me to class. At the same time I felt sad because Jace wasn’t; his class was on the other side of campus. I had to keep reminding myself—friends, just friends.
We were about to leave and Chance came to the table. “Lil, can I talk to you.”
I was angry; he seemed to have forgotten something. “Lil is reserved for my friends, whom you are not a part of.”
Jace moved in my line of sight. “Chance I don’t think she has anything to say to you.”
Chance was stupid. He shoved Jace. “Get out of my way!”
Bad move. Jace stood up. I thought he was going to hit him. He didn’t. “I will never get out of your way. She has nothing to say to you, now BACK OFF!”
“Why don’t you let her be the judge of that . . . Jace?”
Jace was so angry, but he never raised a hand to punch him like I knew he wanted to. I wanted him to! “Fine, I will let her be the judge of that.” Jace sat back down in the spot Chance was about to take. I had a smirk across my face.
“Lil . . .”
“-ly . . .” I said to him.
“Fine . . . Lily.”
I was so infuriated at that moment. “I have nothing to say to you.”
Jace grinned. “I tried to tell you.”
“Will you shut up, Jace?”
“No, leave her alone.”
Chance ignored Jace. “Lily, I joined the Marines.”
The answer I gave was not the answer he wanted. “Good, I hope they ship you out of the country and don’t try to find me when you get out, because I hate you and I never want you to come back.”
“Lil, that’s not fair!”
I lost it, but not in tears in anger. I stood up quickly, Jace moved out of my way and I let Chance have it. I didn’t care who heard me, I didn’t care what scene I made. The words just flew out of my mouth.
“How dare you tell me what's not fair! Was it fair for you to physically hurt me?! Was it fair for you to pretend you loved me so you could own me?! I am not something you can own! I hate you! You make me sick to my stomach! I hope you get sent to war and never come back! You mean nothing to me because I never meant anything to you! Have a great life Chance and I am so glad I won't be part of it!”
I was breathing really hard and I felt the tears coming. I stopped them; I had never been able to do that before.
Chance just stared at me. I think he was waiting on me to cry so he could see that he still affected me, because that meant he could intimidate me more. I didn’t cry, even the tears that I felt, in that split second, dried up. He was speechless. He moved out of Jace’s way so we could get out of the booth and rested his hands on the end of the table and looked down. Chance had finally lost.
We walked out the door of the SUB and as I passed by the window, I looked at Chance. He didn’t see me looking through the window. He had sat down at the table on the opposite side of where I was sitting, with his face in his hands and I could tell he was crying. I felt bad for a moment, and I really didn’t want him to die, but I did want him to know how much he hurt me all the way around and that was the only way I knew how to put that forth to him. The six of us were silent on the way to our next classes. Jace handed me off to Ty, after he kissed me on the head. Chelsea walked with us and I noticed that she and Ty were holding hands. I smiled, I was glad one of them or both of them had let down their guard. I was very happy for them. Ty put his arm around my shoulders.
I wasn’t sure what my feelings were at that moment or where they were at that moment. They seemed to get lost in the shuffle. I knew what I said in the SUB probably shocked everyone sitting at the table, but it shocked me too. I didn’t think I had the courage to stand up against him, but for some reason I felt bad for doing it. I would never wish death upon another human being, no matter how vile and evil they were. I guess that is why I felt so bad. As much as I hated him, I didn’t want him to die. I prayed for a chance to take that back.
* * * * * * *
My classes ended for the day and it was another beautiful day. It was 72 degrees that day. I remember that because I looked at the bank sign across campus as I laid the blanket on the lawn. I knew what I was doing. If Chance was going to try to say something, he’d pick the quad to do it if he saw me out here. I placed the blanket in a spot further away from people than I probably should h
ave, considering the past few days, but I wanted him to approach me and I knew the further away I was from people, the more likely he was to come. I still sat in the sun though.
I decided to lay out. My pearly white legs needed some color, especially if I was going to the beach in two weeks. I first put on some sunless tanning lotion, so when I donned my short-shorts my legs would not blind anyone. It tanned just enough to give me some color. I started on my stomach and the sun felt warm and comforting, before I knew it I fell asleep. I don’t know how long I slept, but a voice woke me. “Hey Lil.”
I jumped up startled. It was Jace. “Lil, what are you doing? You’re just inviting trouble.” He looked me over and grinned. “Of course, I may be the trouble. You look really good.”
I blushed and then giggled. “Sorry, I’m just trying to get some sun for the beach. I only have two weeks before the retreat; I don’t want to look like a ghost.” This time he laughed out loud and then turned abruptly.
Chance was standing there. “Hey Lily, can we talk for a minute?”
“What about?”
“Let me rephrase that. May I talk to you?”
Wow, this is new; he is asking permission to talk to me, instead of demanding my attention. I sat up and crossed my legs. Jace made himself comfortable on the end of my blanket and observed as he stretched out on his side and propped his head. “Again, I ask, what about? What do you want to talk to me about?”
“May I talk to you alone?” Yeah, right, that's not happening.
Jace started with a jolt. I held my hand up to him to get him to stop.
“No, you can either talk to me right here, as is, or not at all.” Jace lay down on the end of the blanket and closed his eyes. I was no longer afraid of Chance.
“Lily, do you mind if I sit down?”
“No, go ahead.” I scooted a little closer to Jace as Chance sat down. Jace placed his hand on my back. I was not scared of Chance, then, but I still didn't trust him.
Chance spoke and immediately made me mad. “So, he is the one you broke up with me for.”
“Not that it is any of your business, but we broke up three months ago, and he is just a really good friend who cares about what happens to me, unlike some people.” Chance just shook his head.
“Lily, not that it means anything to you anymore, but I’m sorry. I should have never tried to force you into something you didn’t want and I’m sorry I hit you and I’m sorry I have acted like such a jerk about everything.”
“Anything else?”
“Yes, I am sorry that I hurt you so badly that you wish I were dead. That was a slap in the face, but I know I deserved it. I leave for basic training in two weeks and from there I have to go to advanced training and then to clean up Desert Storm. I’ll be honest; I really hope you don’t get your wish.”
Jace put a little pressure on my back because he knew what I wanted to say. “Chance, I apologize for saying I wanted you to die, because I really don’t want that to happen.” Chance had this gleam in his eye like he was about to hear something he really wanted to hear. Again he was disappointed. “I do, however, want you to walk away from my life and never try to come back in, because you will be sorely disappointed. You killed anything I ever felt for you when you hurt me and I know exactly where things would have ended up if Dave had not walked in that night and if you deny it you will be lying. I don’t want you to ever come near me again. Don’t try to call, don’t try to write, just leave me alone. If you cannot attend to my requests then I will know you never once cared about me. I want to pretend that we never existed.” I saw tears coming up in his eyes, me, I felt nothing, no emotions whatsoever between me and Chance, those were dead.
For the last time he spoke. “Lily, I really screwed up didn’t I?”
“Yeah, Chance, you did, and that’s putting it lightly.” He reached for my hand and I put both of them behind me and leaned back on them. I wanted him to know that I meant every word I said. I said one last thing, “Stay away from me and stay out of my life.” He stood up from my blanket, stared down at me one last time, as if searching for some spark of possibility, but finding none. He finally realized it was over. He nodded his head in a final blatant understanding and jogged off. I never saw him or heard from him again.
I flopped back flat on the blanket, feeling emotionally drained. I put my sunglasses on and laid there letting the sun recharge me. I felt like a solar panel, but it felt good just to soak up the sun and lay there with Jace, who surprisingly had not said anything. The tower clock chimed on campus it was four o’clock. Chelsea would be out of class about that time. Fifteen minutes later here she came. I heard her call from across the lawn.
“Hey Lil!” I saw her pulling Ty across the lawn, holding his hand, in a much coupled manner.
I sat up propping on my elbows and poked Jace in the ribs. He jumped and opened his eyes. “Look at the happy couple.”
He propped on his elbows then and laughed. “They finally gave in to each other didn’t they?”
I laughed then. “Took ‘em long enough.” Then we both had a good laugh.
Chelsea had brought her own blanket, because with Jace and me on the one I brought out, ours was full. A thought flitted across my mind . . . ours . . . I liked the way that sounded. I pushed that thought aside.
“Hey Chels, y’all gone public now?”
“Ha Ha, Lil, very funny.”
“Yeah Ty, last time I mentioned something about it, you went all postal on me.” Jace started laughing.
“Yeah, Jace, good one, Hardy Har Har.”
“Well what about you two, Mr. Big Shot. Y’all look all cozy.”
“Just soaking up the sun Ty, nothing more.”
It was funny, Jace was always so controlled. Nothing ever got to him or rather he never showed if anything did. He was just so laid back, like he was just taking in life however and whenever he could. He didn’t waste time doing anything. He was the most patient person I had ever known, at that time, especially with me.
Chelsea laid out the blanket she brought for her and Ty and then was serious. She poked me in the leg. “Have you had any run-ins with Chance since lunch?”
I started to answer, and then she took a little postal curve, herself. “Lily, please tell me you didn’t mean that you wanted him dead. That is sooo not like you. Why did you say something like that? I mean I know he is probably the most evil person on earth to you right now, but what if something really does happen to him when he goes off. You’re going to feel like it’s your fault.” Then Chelsea started crying.
That blew my mind. “Chels why are you crying, did you like him?”
“No, that’s just it, I hate him, but if after you said that, something happens to him, you’ll never be able to get over it, and I want you happy Lil, not regretting every part of your life.”
I took Chelsea’s hands and looked at her. “Chels, I really am okay and getting better.”
She looked at me and then at Jace. He shook his head, no, in answer to her unasked question. “Chels, you’re right, I didn’t mean what I said when I told him I wanted him dead. I still hate him, well maybe hate is too strong of a word now, but I still highly dislike him, but I don’t wish death on him. He came out here earlier before you were out of class.”
“And you were by yourself?”
“No, Jace was out here too. I had felt bad about telling him I wanted him to die when what I really wanted was him to just stay away from me and never try to come back. I told him that and believe it or not I think he agreed. It was kind of one of those unspoken promises, but this time it was genuine. He will never come back; because I asked him not to if he ever cared for me at all. So don’t worry I am not going to regret my life over him, honestly, he’s not worth it.” Jace and Ty were listening intently to mine and Chelsea’s conversation.
Chelsea gave me her serious look again. “Lily, do you think he ever really cared about you at all?”
Then my tears started; Chelsea, as my best fri
end, was trying to give me closure. Dave happened up about that time and just sat down on my blanket too. Jace was sitting there waiting on my answer, as well as Ty, as I swiped a few tears that tumbled out of my eyes. “I’d like to think he did at one time, he might have even loved me for a split second, but the hardest part about all of this was the way it felt when he acted like he owned me and he acted like he had the right to push me around, no matter how much I pled with him. He made me feel worthless, even before what," I pointed to Dave, "he came into that night. You know what else, I actually believed him. I am still having a hard time not believing that. I want to know that one day I’ll be happy and can put my past fully in the past, but I almost feel like that is not going to happen.”
The next thing I said kind of brought out reactions I wasn’t expecting. “I want to live a normal life with a normal husband and normal kids and the white picket fence in front of the three-bedroom house and a dog in the backyard, preferably a golden retriever.” Everyone laughed; I hoped it broke the tension that was laid thick on us at that time. Then Dave and Jace gave me an offering of comfort. It was strange that they both felt the same. Dave’s hand rubbed my shoulder and Jace’s hand rubbed the small of my back. I realized that they both cared about me and wanted to make sure I really was okay. They made me feel like I could trust them both. They were two very important people in my life, neither of whom I would ever forget.
Then Dave had some information. “Lil, I am going to tell you one more thing about Chance and then I will happily drop the subject and never bring it up again. When I was on my way out here earlier I happened to walk by his room and his parents were there helping him box things up. So, buck up sweetie, smile more, you are prettier when you do, you’re going to be fine and I’m sure true happiness will find you.” Spoken like the true person he is.
I started crying again, but they were happy tears and I hugged Dave. He and Jace would be great as roommates, true down to their very hearts. “Thanks Dave, you are such a good friend.”
“Anytime sweetie, anytime.” He and Jace punched fists together and then he let me go. The clock tower chimed five o’clock.
Years of Summer: Lily's Story Page 4