“For the best,” he said. “It’s easy in those situations to say things you’ll immediately regret. Silence has its virtues at times.”
“Here’s the thing, though,” Simone said, pulling back to look him in the eyes. “He was fine with me. Just great. Happy. Totally into it. And then—bam!—he just decides that it’s all wrong and weird. It came out of nowhere.”
“Did it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You told me his family is very conservative, that his father whipped him with a belt for even daring to raise his voice at his sister. He’s twenty-nine years old,” Mister S said. “Twenty-nine years is a long time to live with a lie in your head. A few days with you, no matter how blissful, might not be enough time to completely dislodge that lie. And the lies our parents tell us have barbs in them. They not only stick, but they tear when you pull them out.”
“I just…I’m so crazy about him,” Simone said. “I thought we had it figured out.”
“If it’s any comfort to you at all, I’ve fallen in love twice in my life and both relationships involved long difficult separations. Even when it’s meant to be, it isn’t necessarily meant to be easy.”
“But I really want it to be easy,” she said and collapsed onto his shoulder again.
“Don’t we all, Jellybean.” He patted her back and she sighed. At least Mister S loved her and that was something special.
“What should I do?” she asked.
“Nothing,” he said. “You’ve made up your mind. You know how you feel about him, how you feel about the both of you as a couple. You can either wait for him to make up his mind, or end it completely with him and move on. You can’t force someone you love to be someone they aren’t. Take it from me.”
“I just want him to be who he was when we were together. I think his sister must have got to him. When she found out he watched some kinky porn, she told him to get therapy.”
“I’m sure she received many of the same toxic messages he did growing up under that roof,” he said. “And if they’re close, he’ll take what she says to heart whether he should or not simply because he loves her and trusts her.”
“I thought he loved me,” Simone said. “A little anyway.”
“The new lover versus the family,” he said. “One of the older battles in human history.”
“I want to win,” Simone said, raising her fist in determination.
“I know you do. And you might,” he said, pushing a pink lock of hair off her face and tucking it behind her ear. “You were his first submissive, first woman he ever hit. Even when it’s consensual, hitting a woman is a harrowing experience for any man with a conscience. I would counsel you to give him the grace of a few days to process the strong emotions he’s undoubtedly feeling. I would ask him to do the same for you were the situation reversed, give you enough time to deal with your conflicted heart. You remember how badly you wanted to quit graduate school, but you were afraid of disappointing your mother? You were dying to quit but stayed in your PhD program for her sake for another miserable year.”
“Ugh,” Simone said. “Don’t make me empathize. I hate that.”
Much as she hated to admit it, he was right. She’d been where Jason was, wanting something for herself but ignoring her own better judgment, her own passions, because she loved her family so much and couldn’t bear to disappoint them.
Mister S lightly pinched her thigh. She sighed again and rested her head on his chest. He patted her back gently, like a father tending to a tired child.
“It might be for the best,” he said after a long silence, “that it ends now, early, before you grow any more attached than you already are.”
“You think so?” she asked, sitting up in surprise.
“You and Jason have so little in common. I can certainly foresee a painful breakup in the future if you stayed together.”
“Really?” His words broke her heart.
“I’m afraid so. I’ve seen it too many times to count.”
Her bottom lip quivered but she tried not to cry again. She nodded slowly. “You’re probably right. We…we don’t have a lot in common, really.”
He smiled. It was a wicked smile. Positively satanic.
“What?” she asked.
“You see how easy it is?”
“What do you mean?”
“You care about me. You trust me. Although you were certain of your feelings one minute ago, I was able to plant a seed of doubt in your brain with just a few barbed words. This is how it happens when someone you trust and care about makes you second-guess your own heart.”
“You did that to me on purpose?” she asked, staring at him in wonder and horror.
“Of course I did.”
“You’re evil.”
“I proved my point.”
She lightly beat her head against his shoulder. “Evil. Evil. Evil,” she chanted. He only laughed.
“So you don’t think Jason and I are bad together?” she asked him.
“If you say you are a good couple, I believe you. You’ve always been a thoughtful, rational person. Even when your hair isn’t.”
Simone smiled.
“Sweet-talker. I can’t believe you messed with my head so easily. No, wait, yes I can.”
“Are you feeling any better?”
“A little,” she said. “I don’t want to scream anymore.”
“Let’s go and have a glass of wine, and we’ll take you home after. You’ll feel better in a few days once you see the world hasn’t ended.”
“You’re so smart and wise.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Pretty arrogant, though.”
“Well aware, Jellybean. Well aware.”
Twenty
Jason sank down into his office chair and flipped through the photo album over and over again.
It was the sweetest damn thing any girl had ever done for him, making him this photo album. And it was smart, too. Completely solved his problem of what to do with that mass of metal in his bedroom. He picked up her note again and read it. She’d not only signed it with a heart but she’d kissed the paper with dark pink lipstick. He ran his fingers over the kiss and ached inside like he’d never ached before. He ached so hard to be with Simone again he opened his laptop and pulled up the video they’d made together. But he didn’t watch them having sex. He forwarded all the way through that to the very end. There they were lying on the bed. He was on his back, Simone was on his chest. They’d forgotten to turn off the camera and he was glad they hadn’t. The camera caught the look on Simone’s face when he put his arms around her. She closed her eyes and smiled like a girl in love. He had to see that smile again. Now.
Right now.
“I’m a goddamn fool,” he said out loud because he deserved to hear it.
Without giving it one more thought, Jason closed out of the video, opened up the internet and started looking for a flight that would get him from Kentucky to New York tonight.
There was a knock at the door and before he could say, “Come in,” Aimee stuck her head in and said, “Dinner’s ready.”
“Eat without me,” he said. “I have to go.”
She walked in and shut the door. “Go where?”
“New York.”
Her eyes widened. “What? Why?”
“Because I need to go apologize to Simone.”
“For what?”
“For listening to your bullshit and taking it out on her.”
“Jason!”
He spun around in his chair and looked at his sister. He pushed the photo album toward her. “Simone just sent me that. Look at it,” he said.
“Do I have to?”
“Look at it,” he said. He must have sounded serious because she opened the front page. “You see all that? She did that for me. I told her I was sick of having all my trophies underfoot and wanted to donate them to the rodeo museum. She took those pictures of every single one of my trophies so I can donate them and still ke
ep them. Isn’t that the sweetest damn thing in the whole wide world?”
“It’s very nice,” Aimee conceded. “But that doesn’t mean you should run off and marry this girl. She’s about the last girl on earth Mom and Dad would want for you.”
“Don’t care.”
“What?”
“Don’t give a shit. Not a single solitary shit.”
“Jason, you don’t mean that. You can’t possibly want an underwear model as an aunt to your nieces.”
“This is coming from a place of love, Aimee. But that’s your problem, not mine. They’re your kids. You feed them all the ‘good girl’ garbage Mom fed you if you want. I’m out. I don’t care if Simone walks down the highway naked, she’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I’m going to go, right now, to the airport and pray to God the whole way there she forgives me. And if she does, I’m going to throw her over my shoulder and bring her back here with me. And if you’re here when we get back, you better straighten up and treat her with the respect she deserves. And if you can’t do that, then you better be long gone or I’ll kick you out on your ass in front of the girls if I have to.”
Aimee was red in the face, ready to blow her top. He could not begin to care.
“You are really going to pick this girl you barely know over your mother, your father, your sister, and your nieces?” Aimee demanded. “You’re not. I know you’re not.”
“Fuck yes, I am,” Jason said. Except he didn’t say it.
He yelled it. And God damn, it felt good.
And on his way out the door he stopped, looked at his sister, and grinned.
“And you know what else?” he said. “She’s not the only one who’s modeled naked. I have, too.”
“What? When?”
“For a charity calendar, and I am completely naked in it. I’ll send you the calendar for Christmas. Everybody’s getting one for Christmas, and when you see my bare ass in that calendar, feel free to kiss it. Then maybe y’all will stop trying to make me into a saint when all I ever wanted to be was my own man.”
He left at that because he was going to be his own man.
But first he needed his girl.
Twenty-One
Simone had a glass of wine with Mister S and Mistress Nora. When she reached the bottom of her glass, she was feeling mostly okay again, thanks to Mister S (and Mrs. Merlot). Mister S and Mistress Nora shared a taxi with her and Mister S even walked her all the way to the front stoop of her building.
“You’ll be all right?” he asked her.
“I will,” she said.
“Give him time,” he said again softly. “I’ve been in his shoes. I never want to wear them again.”
“Thanks for everything,” she said and rose up on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.
“Simone?”
She gasped and turned. Jason stood on the sidewalk, hat in hand and staring at her in shock.
“Jason?”
She glanced up at Mister S who seemed to be trying not to smile.
“That didn’t take long,” Mister S said under his breath. Then he slowly drew himself up to his full height. She saw his expression alter slightly from one of concern to one of cold-blooded, dead-eyed sadism.
“Behave,” Simone whispered to him.
“I’m sorry to interrupt, Simone. Sir,” Jason said, and Simone admired him for the quick recovery of his manners.
“Not interrupting,” Mister S said, his voice calm and cold, an assassin’s voice. Poor Jason. “Shall I walk you up, Simone?”
“I’m fine,” she said. “Thank you.”
“Goodnight, Jellybean. Call if you need us.” He bent and kissed her cheek. Then he met Jason’s eyes and simply looked at him. She had a brief flashback to the movie Terminator. Same expression. Jason took a step back. Mister S walked on.
When they were alone, Jason took a step forward into the light of a street lamp.
Jason. Here. At midnight. On her street. What on earth…
“So…that him?” Jason asked.
“That’s him,” she said.
“He’s, um…”
“Tall? Handsome? Scary?”
“I felt like I needed to salute him or something. Should I have saluted him?” Jason asked.
“He wouldn’t have minded,” Simone said.
“Glad he didn’t take a swing at me. Think I’d rather ride Demented again than tussle with that old boy.”
She smiled. “He’s my friend. Doesn’t mean he’s your enemy.”
“Did you tell him that?”
“He’s just messing with you,” Simone said. She was so relieved Mister S had been there for her. Now she could have this conversation without falling to pieces at the mere sight of the man she loved more than anything.
“I guess, you, ah…you spent time with him,” Jason said.
“I needed to talk to someone about you. I was upset. He helped me feel a lot better.”
“I thought that was my job,” Jason said.
“Yeah, well, you weren’t here.”
“I am now.”
“Why?” she asked. Her voice was steady but inside she quaked with fear and excitement, but mostly fear. If Jason was really the good guy she thought he was, he could be here for a couple of reasons. Either he wanted to make up. Or he wanted to break up, and he felt obligated to do it to her face and not over the phone.
“Katie and her parents picked up Cupcake,” he said.
“Was she happy?” Simone asked.
“Cloud nine, ten, and eleven,” Jason said. “And you should have seen Cupcake strutting around like she’d invented strutting. Katie even said a few words. God, we were all in tears. Even Franco. Even me.”
“I wish I could have been there,” Simone said.
“I wanted you there so bad,” Jason said. He took a deep breath. “Then Aimee showed up with her girls and she, ah…she’s not too keen on the idea of you and me.”
“She hasn’t even met me,” Simone said.
“Mom raised her as tough as Dad raised me. Be modest. Don’t tease boys. Girls who wear tight clothes are just asking for trouble.”
“I guess I’m asking for trouble,” Simone said, pointing at her corset dress. Then she remembered what Mister S had said about those lies that stick in kids and rethought the sarcasm. “I feel bad for your sister being raised to think there’s something wrong with women living their own lives, dressing the way they want and all that.”
“I was raised to think more of others than I do of myself,” Jason said. “Family first. Work first. Put others before you. Don’t be selfish.”
“It’s a good thing to be selfless,” Simone said. “But dating who you want to date doesn’t make you selfish. It just makes you an adult.”
“With you and me together,” Jason said, “there is a real chance my sister and parents won’t…well, there’s a real chance it could get very ugly, and, um…Aimee said she might not let me see the girls if you and me…well, you know.”
“I don’t want you to have to choose between them and me. I really don’t.”
“I appreciate that,” he said. “But it’s all right. It is what it is. And if it comes down to that, I want you to know something. I want you to know…I’ll choose you every time.”
Simone’s heart jumped so high and hard in her chest that it hit her ribs. She put a hand on her chest as if to keep it from bursting out.
“You will?” she asked, tears springing to her eyes.
“I will, baby. I swear I will. From now on. I will never screw up like I did today again. I got bad thoughts in my head and got spooked. You just get this idea in your head of who people want you to be and you can forget real easy that who they want you to be and who you are, well, they aren’t the same person. And you can’t be two people so I’m just going to be the man who loves you.”
Simone couldn’t speak. She could barely even stand.
“Now, I suppose this is when you tell me off,” Jason said. “And
I deserve it. Give it to me good, Spanky.”
Simone would do just that.
She took one step and then the next one and stopped on the bottom step and met Jason eye to eye.
Then she gave it to him good.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.
Twenty-Two
This had gone better than Jason had been expecting. He could hardly believe Simone was back in his arms, kissing him and letting him kiss her in return. He’d thought for sure he’d get an earful about how much he’d hurt her, what a fool he was, and how he better never do it again. Either she really loved him or she was the sweetest girl on earth. Both probably.
When she pulled back from the kiss he saw the tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I never want to hurt you again.”
“You came all the way to New York to apologize. I can’t…I can’t believe it.” Her hands were on his shoulders and his eyes searched her face. He couldn’t stop looking at her. This girl was his girl and always would be.
“I got the photo album you sent me this afternoon and soon as I saw what it was I knew I’d made the biggest, stupidest mistake of my life. I took the very next flight out of Kentucky.”
“Everyone gets cold feet,” she said. “And I know it’s not easy trying to be who people want you to be. I shouldn’t have called you weak. That was mean and I’m sorry. It’s not weak to want to make your family proud of you.”
“It is weak to let someone else tell you how to live your life when you know better. And I knew better. Old habits die hard, you know. But they’re gonna die. I’ve already started killing them.”
“You didn’t kill your sister, did you?” Simone asked, eyeing him.
“No, but some words were exchanged,” he said, wincing.
“You yelled at your sister?”
“She insulted my girlfriend. Of course I told her off.”
“That’s pretty sexy,” Simone said, grinning.
Jason was happy to hear that.
“And I told her if she couldn’t be nice to you, she better not be at my house when we get back.”
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