MRS SAUNDERS
I didn’t want you to come after me. I wanted to be alone.
CLIVE
You will be raped by cannibals.
MRS SAUNDERS
I just wanted to get out of your house.
CLIVE
My God, what women put us through. Cruel, cruel. I think you are the sort of woman who would enjoy whipping somebody. I’ve never met one before.
MRS SAUNDERS
Can I tell you something, Clive?
CLIVE
Let me tell you something first. Since you came to the house I have had an erection twenty-four hours a day except for ten minutes after the time we had intercourse.
MRS SAUNDERS
I don’t think that’s physically possible.
CLIVE
You are causing me appalling physical suffering. Is this the way to treat a benefactor?
MRS SAUNDERS
Clive, when I came to your house the other night I came because I was afraid. The cook was going to let his whole tribe in through the window.
CLIVE
I know that, my poor sweet. Amazing –
MRS SAUNDERS
I came to you although you are not my nearest neighbour –
CLIVE
Rather than to the old major of seventy-two.
MRS SAUNDERS
Because the last time he came to visit me I had to defend myself with a shotgun and I thought you would take no for an answer.
CLIVE
But you’ve already answered yes.
MRS SAUNDERS
I answered yes once. Sometimes I want to say no.
CLIVE
Women, my God. Look the picnic will start, I have to go to the picnic. Please Caroline –
MRS SAUNDERS
I think I will have to go back to my own house.
CLIVE
Caroline, if you were shot with poisoned arrows do you know what I’d do? I’d fuck your dead body and poison myself. Caroline, you smell amazing. You terrify me. You are dark like this continent. Mysterious. Treacherous. When you rode to me through the night. When you fainted in my arms. When I came to you in your bed, when I lifted the mosquito netting, when I said let me in, let me in. Oh don’t shut me out, Caroline, let me in.
He has been caressing her feet and legs. He disappears completely under her skirt.
MRS SAUNDERS
Please stop. I can’t concentrate. I want to go home. I wish I didn’t enjoy the sensation because I don’t like you, Clive. I do like living in your house where there’s plenty of guns. But I don’t like you at all. But I do like the sensation. Well I’ll have it then. I’ll have it, I’ll have it – Voices are heard singing ‘The First Noel’.
Don’t stop. Don’t stop.
CLIVE comes out from under her skirt.
CLIVE
The Christmas picnic. I came.
MRS SAUNDERS
I didn’t.
CLIVE
I’m all sticky.
MRS SAUNDERS
What about me? Wait.
CLIVE
All right, are you? Come on. We mustn’t be found.
MRS SAUNDERS
Don’t go now.
CLIVE
Caroline, you are so voracious. Do let go. Tidy yourself up. There’s a hair in my mouth.
CLIVE and MRS SAUNDERS go off. BETTY and MAUD come, with JOSHUA carrying hamper.
MAUD
I never would have thought a guinea fowl could taste so like a turkey.
BETTY
I had to explain to Cook three times.
MAUD
You did very well dear.
JOSHUA sits apart with gun. EDWARD and HARRY with VICTORIA on his shoulder, singing ‘The First Noel’. MAUD and BETTY are unpacking the hamper. CLIVE arrives separately.
MAUD
This tablecloth was one of my mama’s.
BETTY
Uncle Harry playing horsey.
EDWARD
Crackers crackers.
BETTY
Not yet, Edward.
CLIVE
And now the moment we have all been waiting for.
CLIVE opens champagne. General acclaim.
Oh dear, stained my trousers, never mind.
EDWARD
Can I have some?
MAUD
Oh no Edward, not for you.
CLIVE
Give him half a glass.
MAUD
If your father says so.
CLIVE
All rise please. To Her Majesty Queen Victoria, God bless her, and her husband and all her dear children.
ALL
The Queen.
EDWARD
Crackers crackers.
General cracker pulling, hats. CLIVE and HARRY discuss champagne.
HARRY
Excellent, Clive, wherever did you get it?
CLIVE
I know a chap in French Equatorial Africa.
EDWARD
I won, I won Mama.
ELLEN arrives.
BETTY
Give a hat to Joshua, he’d like it.
EDWARD takes hat to JOSHUA. BETTY takes a ball from the hamper and plays catch with ELLEN. Murmurs of surprise and congratulation from the men as they catch the ball.
EDWARD
Mama, don’t play. You know you can’t catch a ball.
BETTY
He’s perfectly right. I can’t throw either.
BETTY sits down. ELLEN has the ball.
EDWARD
Ellen, don’t you play either. You’re no good. You spoil it.
EDWARD takes VICTORIA from HARRY and gives her to ELLEN. He takes the ball and throws it to HARRY. HARRY, CLIVE and EDWARD play ball.
BETTY
Ellen come and sit with me. We’ll be spectators and clap.
EDWARD misses the ball.
CLIVE
Butterfingers.
EDWARD
I’m not.
HARRY
Throw straight now.
EDWARD
I did, I did.
CLIVE
Keep your eye on the ball.
EDWARD
You can’t throw.
CLIVE
Don’t be a baby.
EDWARD
I’m not, throw a hard one, throw a hard one –
CLIVE
Butterfingers. What will Uncle Harry think of you?
EDWARD
It’s your fault. You can’t throw. I hate you.
He throws the ball wildly in the direction of JOSHUA.
CLIVE
Now you’ve lost the ball. He’s lost the ball.
EDWARD
It’s Joshua’s fault. Joshua’s butterfingers.
CLIVE
I don’t think I want to play any more. Joshua, find the ball will you?
EDWARD
Yes, please play. I’ll find the ball. Please play.
CLIVE
You’re so silly and you can’t catch. You’ll be no good at cricket.
MAUD
Why don’t we play hide-and-seek?
EDWARD
Because it’s a baby game.
BETTY
You’ve hurt Edward’s feelings.
CLIVE
A boy has no business having feelings.
HARRY
Hide-and-seek. I’ll be it. Everybody must hide. This is the base, you have to get home to base.
EDWARD
Hide-and-seek, hide-and-seek.
HARRY
Can we persuade the ladies to join us?
MAUD
I’m playing. I love games.
BETTY
I always get found straight away.
ELLEN
Come on, Betty, do. Vicky wants to play.
EDWARD
You won’t find me ever.
They all go except CLIVE, HARRY, JOSHUA.
HARRY
It is safe, I suppose?
CLIVE
T
hey won’t go far. This is very much my territory and it’s broad daylight. Joshua will keep an open eye.
HARRY
Well I must give them a hundred. You don’t know what this means to me, Clive. A chap can only go on so long alone. I can climb mountains and go down rivers, but what’s it for? For Christmas and England and games and women singing. This is the empire, Clive. It’s not me putting a flag in new lands. It’s you. The empire is one big family. I’m one of its black sheep, Clive. And I know you think my life is rather dashing. But I want you to know I admire you. This is the empire, Clive, and I serve it. With all my heart.
CLIVE
I think that’s about a hundred.
HARRY
Ready or not, here I come!
He goes.
CLIVE
Harry Bagley is a fine man, Joshua. You should be proud to know him. He will be in history books.
JOSHUA
Sir, while we are alone.
CLIVE
Joshua of course, what is it? You always have my ear. Any time.
JOSHUA
Sir, I have some information. The stable boys are not to be trusted. They whisper. They go out at night. They visit their people. Their people are not my people. I do not visit my people.
CLIVE
Thank you, Joshua. They certainly look after Beauty. I’ll be sorry to have to replace them.
JOSHUA
They carry knives.
CLIVE
Thank you, Joshua.
JOSHUA
And, sir.
CLIVE
I appreciate this, Joshua, very much.
JOSHUA
Your wife.
CLIVE
Ah, yes?
JOSHUA
She also thinks Harry Bagley is a fine man.
CLIVE
Thank you, Joshua.
JOSHUA
Are you going to hide?
CLIVE
Yes, yes I am. Thank you. Keep your eyes open Joshua.
JOSHUA
I do, sir.
CLIVE goes. JOSHUA goes. HARRY and BETTY race back to base.
BETTY
I can’t run, I can’t run at all.
HARRY
There, I’ve caught you.
BETTY
Harry, what are we going to do?
HARRY
It’s impossible, Betty.
BETTY
Shall we run away together?
MAUD comes.
MAUD
I give up. Don’t catch me. I have been stung.
HARRY
Nothing serious I hope.
MAUD
I have ointment in my bag. I always carry ointment. I shall just sit down and rest. I am too old for all this fun. Hadn’t you better be seeking, Harry?
HARRY goes. MAUD and BETTY are alone for some time. They don’t speak. HARRY and EDWARD race back.
EDWARD
I won, I won, you didn’t catch me.
HARRY
Yes I did.
EDWARD
Mama, who was first?
BETTY
I wasn’t watching. I think it was Harry.
EDWARD
It wasn’t Harry. You’re no good at judging. I won, didn’t I Grandma?
MAUD
I expect so, since it’s Christmas.
EDWARD
I won, Uncle Harry. I’m better than you.
BETTY
Why don’t you help Uncle Harry look for the others?
EDWARD
Shall I?
HARRY
Yes, of course.
BETTY
Run along then. He’s just coming.
EDWARD goes.
Harry, I shall scream.
HARRY
Ready or not here I come.
HARRY runs off.
BETTY
Why don’t you go back to the house, Mother, and rest your insect bite?
MAUD
Betty, my duty is here. I don’t like what I see. Clive wouldn’t like it, Betty. I am your mother.
BETTY
Clive gives you a home because you are my mother.
HARRY comes back.
HARRY
I can’t find anyone else. I’m getting quite hot.
BETTY
Sit down a minute.
HARRY
I can’t do that. I’m he. How’s your sting?
MAUD
It seems to be swelling up.
BETTY
Why don’t you go home and rest? Joshua will go with you. Joshua!
HARRY
I could take you back. MAUD That would be charming.
BETTY
You can’t go. You’re he.
JOSHUA comes.
BETTY
Joshua, my mother wants to go back to the house. Will you go with her please.
JOSHUA
Sir told me I have to keep an eye.
BETTY
I am telling you to go back to the house. Then you can come back here and keep an eye.
MAUD
Thank you Betty. I know we have our little differences, but I always want what is best for you.
JOSHUA and MAUD go.
HARRY
Don’t give way. Keep calm.
BETTY
I shall kill myself.
HARRY
Betty, you are a star in my sky. Without you I would have no sense of direction. I need you, and I need you where you are, I need you to be Clive’s wife. I need to go up rivers and know you are sitting here thinking of me.
BETTY
I want more than that. Is that wicked of me?
HARRY
Not wicked, Betty. Silly.
EDWARD calls in the distance.
EDWARD
Uncle Harry, where are you?
BETTY
Can’t we ever be alone?
HARRY
You are a mother. And a daughter. And a wife.
BETTY
I think I shall go and hide again.
BETTY goes. HARRY goes. CLIVE chases MRS SAUNDERS across the stage. EDWARD and HARRY call in the distance.
EDWARD
Uncle Harry!
HARRY
Edward!
EDWARD comes.
EDWARD
Uncle Harry!
HARRY comes.
There you are. I haven’t found anyone have you?
HARRY
I wonder where they all are.
EDWARD
Perhaps they’re lost for ever. Perhaps they’re dead. There’s trouble going on isn’t there, and nobody says because of not frightening the women and children.
HARRY
Yes, that’s right.
EDWARD
Do you think we’ll be killed in our beds?
HARRY
Not very likely.
EDWARD
I can’t sleep at night. Can you?
HARRY
I’m not used to sleeping in a house.
EDWARD
If I’m awake at night can I come and see you? I won’t wake you up. I’ll only come in if you’re awake.
HARRY
You should try to sleep.
EDWARD
I don’t mind being awake because I make up adventures. Once we were on a raft going down to the rapids. We’ve lost the paddles because we used them to fight off the crocodiles. A crocodile comes at me and I stab it again and again and the blood is everywhere and it tips up the raft and it has you by the leg and it’s biting your leg right off and I take my knife and stab it in the throat and rip open its stomach and it lets go of you but it bites my hand but it’s dead. And I drag you onto the river bank and I’m almost fainting with pain and we lie there in each other’s arms.
HARRY
Have I lost my leg?
EDWARD
I forgot about the leg by then.
Cloud Nine Page 3