Magnum will take like two or three showers in one day sometimes. When she wakes up in the morning, when she gets home from work, before sex, after sex. Anytime she doesn't feel clean, like after a good crap.
So Magnum is all sweet-smelling and fresh, like she always is, like morning dew in the meadow or some shit like that, ya know. Which is why I love her. And really her name is Maggie, I just call her Magnum because I joked with her once that she is all serious about shit like she's 44 years old, things like her job and paying her bills on time and everything. So I called her .44 Magnum and she got all mad and shit 'cause she's really only 28, but she got over it like she always does.
Magnum even has a clean coffee cup already sitting out for me. She's always doing things like that which makes me love her too. And I pour myself a cuppa and give her a kiss on the cheek because I haven't brushed my teeth yet and it would be gross to kiss her already-showered lips and shiny teeth, which are all straight and white and perfect and that's another reason I love her. I wouldn't mind kissing her clean mouth with my disgusting one, but I try to be considerate that way. She says I'm considerate and thoughtful and that's why I make a pretty good boyfriend even though I don't have a job.
"I had this really awesome dream last night," she says to me as I sit down at the table across from her. She's stirring her French vanilla non-dairy creamer into her cup and it's clinking over and over and over and really making my head hurt but I don't say anything. I drink my coffee black so I don't have to make that irritating noise at the crack of noon or two or whatever and irritate my hungover girlfriend, but then she's not really hungover 'cause she only had two glasses of wine and she only had that much because it's a holiday and she didn't have to go to work. I'm hungover because two buddies stopped by with a case of beer and we pretty much killed that before we resorted to the Jaeger and the weed and the three a.m. pizza. We made Bert and Ernie (that's not really their names but I'm protecting their anonymity here) stay the night on the floor and the couch so they wouldn't drive home under the influence of too much pizza, but thank God they went home before I woke up because I really, really didn't want to see their hairy asses in our living room this morning or afternoon or whatever.
"Did you hear me?"
"Um, yeah, sorry, what? You had a dream."
"Yeah, and it was so awesome. You want to hear?"
No, I don't really want to hear. I want to drink some coffee then take some ibupro or something to knock out my headache, but since I can't hardly say I don't have time to listen to her dream right now, I'm pretty much nailed to the chair and forced to say, "Yeah, tell me. Was it us doing the nasty?"
"No," Magnum giggles. Her real name is Margaret but no one calls her that. They all call her Maggie and I call her Magnum because, well, I already told that part.
"So what was your dream about?" I settle in with my coffee and try to focus and pay attention for a minute.
"Well, we were all at my aunt and uncle's house, not their regular house but their cabin on the lake. You remember, where we went for that barbecue last Labor Day."
Yeah, I remember. Her uncle was pretty cool but her aunt was a middle-aged lush who passed out in a lounge chair by the lake at three in the afternoon, sunning herself with her top off, which I thought was kinda awesome that she was already passed out drunk by the time I woke up. But they had to carry her back to the cabin 'cause she was getting all sunburnt and shit, and was too drunk to wake up and turn over. I was glad I didn't have to help carry her 'cause I didn't really want to get that close to middle-aged ta-tas, ya know. Just the image of those things, which I'm not being mean 'cause I'm sure they were really nice ta-tas before I was born, but now they were just flopping off to each side and these two guys carried her back to the cabin and her uncle kept picking up her tits and setting them back on her chest so her nipples wouldn't get all chafed from dragging on the ground, but they were going to be so sunburnt I don't think a little road rash would've made much difference.
"Yeah, I remember that cabin. Your uncle's cool."
"So we were all there, you and me and my whole family including my cousins and everyone, only it wasn't the little part-cabin, part-mobile home they have now. It was a really nice custom-built log cabin with vaulted ceilings and wood floors. Oh, and the kitchen had this beautiful Italian marble flooring with matching countertops."
"Wow, that's a pretty cool dream, Mag."
"Wait, I haven't told you the dream part, that's just where we were."
"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt." I pour myself another cuppa. If there was any Jaeger left, I would use it like French vanilla non-dairy creamer about now but I think Bert and Ernie polished it off.
"The reason we were all there is because it was a big party, but we didn't know it was a surprise party for us. Although I'm not sure why it was a party for us. It was like an engagement announcement party or something like that, but we weren't engaged, and it wasn't either of our birthdays, but my family just wanted to throw us a big surprise party. There were streamers all over the house and flowers and candles and presents."
"Was your aunt there?"
"Yeah, everyone was there."
"Did she pass out and burn her tits again?"
"Would you stop with that story already? She was under a lot of stress at work and she just let off a little steam. Not like you don't get trashed four nights a week."
"Yeah, but I don't sunburn my tits."
Magnum kinda huffs and sips her coffee then stirs it some more and I can tell she's irritated with me.
"Go on. What happened next?" I don't really want to know but I don't want her irritated at me for being an ass and I want to be a considerate boyfriend and all.
"Okay, well, where was I? Oh yeah, my old boyfriend, Tom, was there too. You remember him?"
"How could I forget?"
Tom was her boyfriend before me. He was her boyfriend when I first met her, but he wasn't very considerate. He'd forgotten her birthday or Valentine's or something like that, so she and her girlfriends came to the club where I was tending bar—this was back when I had a job—and she got kinda trashed herself and so at closing time I helped her to her car and then decided I better drive her home but she said her ass of an inconsiderate boyfriend was there and she didn't want to see him so I brought her to my place instead, which I'm glad she was really drunk 'cause the place was a mess. Bert and Ernie had been hangin' out at my place since they couldn't pay their rent and were gettin' streeted by their landlord who was a real ass.
Nothing happened that night. I just cleaned off the couch and grabbed a blanket and pillow off my bed for her and tucked her in. I took her shoes off but didn't try to undress her or cop a feel or anything. Not that I didn't think about it 'cause she's got really nice ta-tas and I wondered what they felt like. But I didn't, either because I'm a considerate guy or just a total chickenshit dweeb who doesn't have the mansack to grab a handful when the chick is passed out cold on my couch and pissed off at her boyfriend and she didn't look like she would've minded much anyway.
"Why was Tom in your dream?"
"I don't know why. Why does anything happen in a dream? They don't always make sense and you can't read too much into them, ya know. It's just all these random neurons firing in the brain and your whole life's worth of memories can get all jumbled up. It's not like I think about him anymore or anything. Don't get all jealous and insecure." Mags took a couple courses in psychology at the community college a few years ago and she is up on all this stuff.
"I'm not jealous. Just wonderin'."
"He was there and trying to win me back. Right there at our engagement party or whatever it was. But I told him to go jump in the lake, so he did. He dove right in and swam away. And then we all kept partying even though everyone knew he would never make it to the other side of the lake and he was out there drowning but we were singing 'Auld Lang Syne' like it was a New Year's Eve party only it wasn't."
"Cool."
"Cool that
we were singing or cool that he was drowning?"
"Both."
"That's not cool. He may be an ass but he was drowning and nobody cared and no one went to help him and I was real scared for some reason, like I should say, 'Someone please go save him,' but I was too scared to say anything. Then I looked around and you were gone and I thought you had left me. But in a few minutes you came back, carrying a very wet Tom over your shoulder. You had gone and saved him from drowning."
"Why the fuck would I do that?"
"I don't know. It was just a dream. And maybe because you're such a good guy, you couldn't even let my ass of an ex-boyfriend drown like that. It made me love you even more in the dream that you would go save him, even knowing he was trying to steal me away from you. You were such a gentleman."
"Well, that's a really great dream. Very vivid, and I'm glad I was your hero." I really want to kiss her about now but I still haven't brushed my teeth and I wonder if the coffee has burned enough of the pizza scum off my teeth to make it okay to kiss her but I don't.
"That's not how it ended."
"Oh."
"No, after you brought Tom back, he was so grateful you saved his life that he fell in love with you. Pretty soon you two were sitting on the couch making out but it was like it was all normal and no one even paid any attention, but I was really jealous that you were hooking up with him, then the party changed and I realized it was a coming-out party for you and Tom, and I was sitting in the corner invisible like I wasn't really there."
"Whoa. What the fuck? You dreamed that I turned gay and made out with your ex-boyfriend? That is so wrong on so many levels I can't even think."
"I told you, it's just a dream. People can't help what they dream. I'm not sure what it means, or if it means anything at all. But don't worry, I know you're not gay."
"Yeah, that's just wrong. I mean, not that it's wrong to be gay or anything."
"No, of course not."
"So what happened next? Did I kick his ass and sweep you off your feet? Again?"
I grin thinking on how I had to kick Tom's ass when he came over to my house after he found out Magnum spent the night at my place even though nothin' happened but he thought something did, and even though it was all his fault anyway for being such an inconsiderate boyfriend. But he comes over all puffed up and belligerent and talkin' shit, so I punched him in the nose and he left threatening to call the police and his lawyer and he was gonna sue me and have me arrested for assault and battery. I punched him again, in the back of the head as he's trying to get in his car and leave, which I should have just let him go at that point but he was pissin' me off now and I figured if he was going to call the cops on me anyway I wanted to get one more good punch in. But when I punched him in the back of the head, it knocked his face into the window frame of his car and broke his nose and he bled like a mutha.
So now I was really scared that I'd get arrested or somethin' but nothin' ever happened except Magnum comes to the bar that night and tells me thanks and that she broke up with Tom so I asked her out and made sure my place was clean and Bert and Ernie were out before I invited her back to my place and then we had some incredible sex and I got to feel those beautiful ta-tas of hers, with permission granted of course, and we've been together ever since. When I lost my job a few months later, she told me I should just move in with her since I couldn't afford my rent anymore, and it could be temporary until I found a job and got back on my feet again but that's been like three months now and she doesn't seem to mind me being here full-time.
"So, what did you dream about last night," she asks me.
"Nothing as exciting as yours."
"Tell me anyway. What was your dream about?" She sips her coffee and looks up at me with those huge brown eyes and I realize what a lucky man I am to have this beautiful and wonderful girlfriend, so I should humor her and tell her about my dream.
"A bear."
"A bear?"
"Yeah, ya know, the furry animal."
"I know what bears are. That's it? Just 'bears.' What happened?"
"Just one bear actually. Singular. It was chasing me."
"Where was it chasing you?"
"In the woods."
She hesitates and lets the silence fall across the kitchen table with some dramatic flair.
"That's all? A bear chased you in the woods? Don't your dreams have more details than that?"
"Yeah, but it's boring. And I forget the details after I wake up, but my dreams aren't really stories like yours, ya know, with plot and characters and all. Mine are just mash-ups."
"Tell me anyway." She pours herself another cup and spoons in some more French vanilla non-dairy creamer and ding-ding-ding on the cup as she stirs so I can see I'm not getting out of this that easily.
"Let me see if I can remember. Yeah, this bear was chasing me in the woods. I was running but my legs weren't working very well so the bear was gaining on me. Then we were at TGI Friday's."
"TGI Friday's?"
"Yeah, the bear chased me into Friday's."
"Okay, that's kind of non sequitur. What happened then?"
"The bear turned into the waitress and was taking my order. Ya know, that really hot blonde waitress that takes our order sometimes."
"You could have left out that part."
"Hey, it's just a dream. You could have left out the part about me makin' out with an ugly hairy-assed dude."
"Tom isn't ugly and he actually has a very smooth butt."
"Thanks for that visual. I need to steam clean my brain now."
"Back to your dream. So the bear is now a hot blonde taking your order at Friday's. So what did we order?"
"Not we. Just me. I was there alone at first, then Bert and Ernie showed up too. Or they were just there all along but I hadn't noticed. I don't remember what we ordered. It was Friday's. Probably wings or tater skins, I dunno. It's not important."
"Was that it then? Is that when you woke up?"
"No, the waitress was taking our order, but then she grew really tall and huge. Like an Amazon. Or like a bear. Like the bear part of her was coming back, only she was still a hot blonde chick, not a bear. And she was naked."
"Naked?"
At this point, I realize I've probably divulged more details than necessary.
"So tell me, was she a natural blonde?" Yeah, Magnum seems a little miffed that I would dream about a naked woman other than her even though she thinks it's perfectly natural for her to dream about me swapping spit with a dude.
"Natural blonde?"
"Yeah, ya know, like Bert says, did her carpet match her drapes?"
"Oh. Couldn't tell. Smooth as Italian marble countertops." Don't ask me why I continue giving out more details since I know I've already gone too far.
"Ew. I'll never be able to eat at Friday's again. So did you have sex with your hot blonde Amazon smoothie bear?"
"Not really."
"Not really? What does 'not really' mean?"
Magnum stirs her coffee again even though it doesn't need stirring. Maybe to be more considerate, I could've left out the part about the hot blonde, but she didn't leave out the part about me and Tom gettin' it on, so I think she wants to hear the details, even those weird bits that don't make any sense. And I'm remembering more pieces of the dream and I'm on a roll.
"'Not really' means 'not really.' She was naked and she started playing with herself, and the more excited she got, the taller she grew. She was so tall I was looking at the TV between her legs."
"Wait, what? She had a TV between her legs? How did she manage that?"
"No, not between her legs. The big screen at Friday's. She was standing in front of me with her legs spread, but she's so tall I could look between her legs at the TV on the wall behind her. There was some Michael Bay movie on, and all these really cool explosions, and the explosions are timed to her orgasm and it was awesome."
"Let me get this straight. There's a giant chick masturbating right in front of you, but you
're looking past her at the TV on the wall to watch shit blow up?"
"Yeah. Ya know, dreams are weird like that. Besides, she wasn't that hot last time I saw her. She had a zit on her chin that looked like she'd tried to squeeze it before it was ready and it was all red and angry and swollen."
"I noticed that too. Poor girl." Magnum is always so sympathetic to everyone. Which is another reason I love her.
"They really shouldn't let waitresses work tables when they have nasty blemishes," I say. "Puts customers off their food."
"You're saying waitresses that get a pimple should stay home and not make any money and not be able to pay their rent or feed their kids or anything?"
"No, no, not like that. Just make 'em work in the back or something. Bad for business to have them take food orders when they got facial pus pockets." I go for another cup of coffee but the pot's empty. "You want me to make some more?"
"No, I've had quite enough," she says, and she gets up to go take a shower, but I'm pretty sure she already showered earlier before I woke up, so I think she's just irritated with me and wants to be left alone.
I give her about five minutes then I join her in the shower. As I rub the conditioner in her hair, which she really likes when I do that, she doesn't seem upset anymore. When she turns around to rinse her hair, she kisses me on the cheek.
"Next time I ask you to tell me about your dream, just tell me you don't remember, okay?"
"A bear. All I remember is a bear."
Step Zero by Matt Sinclair
Perhaps my wife was right and I worried too much, but my daughter, Hannah, left me rubbing my temples. She was a good kid. Pretty, friendly, clever. In fact, she could be darn smart when she put her mind to things.
But that was the problem. She didn't. At least not too often. Not as far as I could tell, and that was something I'd notice.
I sat in the dining room staring at her report card. More specifically, her report card at her mother's spot on our dining room table. Hannah knew I wanted to see her grades immediately, but she always left the report for her mother. While Janet prepared dinner and Hannah was in her room, I sat at the table and reviewed her progress.
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