by Devney Perry
No. We would have been fine. Thinking anything else just made me sad. And with laughing, happy people all around me, I didn’t want to be sad. So I brushed off those thoughts and joined Cole as he visited with the other guests while we waited to congratulate the bride and groom.
Two hours later, we’d tossed the rice, we’d listened to toasts and we’d eaten our cake.
And now, it was time for dancing.
“What do you say, pretty Poppy?” Cole’s hand skimmed my lower back as we stood by the bar. “Want to dance?”
“Sure.” Then I let the soft pressure from his fingertips guide me to the dance floor.
Cole took me in his arms with one hand gripping my hip while the other held my hand between us. My free hand slid up his chest, resting on his sternum. Underneath the thin cotton of his shirt, his heartbeat seemed fast—harder than normal. I bet if I touched my own chest, my own would match.
“Having fun?” He swayed me with the music.
I nodded. “Thanks for coming with me. I haven’t been to a wedding since . . . you know.”
“Whatever you need, I’ll be there in a heartbeat.”
I relaxed into his arms, resting my head next to my hand. When his chin hit the top of my head, I let out a sigh.
This is nice. The fairy lights above us were twinkling. The singer’s voice was soothing. And as cheesy as it sounded in my head, love was in the air. This dance with Cole was maybe the most romantic dance I’d had . . . ever.
I’d always had to beg Jamie to slow dance with me. His idea of dancing was a fast jitterbug or the bump and grind like we were at a club. The last time he’d held me close to dance had been at our wedding. Even then, he’d been so distracted—waving to people as they’d watched us—our dance hadn’t held much tenderness.
Nothing like this moment with Cole.
“What was your wedding like?”
“Hectic.” I frowned. “Jamie had no interest in wedding planning so I did it all myself. I wanted a nice, small get-together in Alaska, but Jamie wanted a big party at the ranch. We actually got in a huge fight about it and ended up doing both. We got married in Alaska and then had a party at the ranch.”
“Good compromise.”
I scoffed. “Not really. It was twice as much work as it should have been. But Jamie wasn’t known for his compromising skills. By the time it was over, we were at each other’s throats.”
As relaxed as Jamie had been, his competitive streak had been legendary. Sometimes, I think he liked to argue with me just to prove he could win. We’d get into innocent little debates that would turn into knockdown, drag-out fights because he’d never concede that I might have a point. After years together, I’d started to just let him win. I’d drop my stance and take his side to avoid the battle, even when deep down I didn’t agree.
I leaned back to look at Cole. “Did you know I love playing board games?”
“No.” He shook his head.
“Yeah, I do. But I haven’t played since college. Jamie had to win. It took all the fun out of it. I hated—”
Stop. What was I doing? Bad-mouthing my husband when he wasn’t here to defend himself? I was supposed to be honoring his memory, not questioning everything about him. About us.
“You hated what?” Cole asked.
“Nothing.” I looked at the floor. “I shouldn’t be talking about Jamie like that. He was the best. He just liked to win and maybe I’m a sore loser.”
Cole used his finger to tip up my chin. “No one is perfect. Just because he had some faults doesn’t mean you loved him any less. We’ve all got our weaknesses. That’s what makes us human.”
“I shouldn’t be complaining about him. It’s not fair and I don’t want you to think badly about him.”
His finger left my chin as his hand framed my cheek. “I’ll never think badly about him. I’ll probably always be jealous. He had you first, and as much as I’m trying to be a grown-up about this, I’ve got a competitive streak myself. But I’ll never think badly of him. He was special to you, which makes him special to me. Weaknesses and all.”
I stared into his beautiful green eyes as the worries I’d had about Jamie all seeped away with Cole’s words. “How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?”
“I’m close to perfect.”
I smiled. “And very modest.”
He shrugged. “Modesty is for suckers.”
We both laughed and I leaned my head back against his chest to finish our dance. He’d been teasing, but from what I could tell, Cole Goodman was close to perfect. In our time together, I’d yet to discover a chink in his armor.
“What’s one of your weaknesses?”
His hand at my hip moved up my spine so his fingers could play with my hair. “You.”
I melted into him again, closing my eyes as we kept swaying. He was a weakness of mine too.
Soon, the music stopped and the couples around us came back into focus. When he offered me his arm, I looped mine with his as he escorted me back to our table.
“Do you want to stay?” he asked.
I looked around at the thinning crowd. It wasn’t late, but my friend and her new husband were inching toward the exit, ready to make a quiet escape.
“Not really.” I grabbed the clutch from my chair. “Let’s sneak out.”
Our escape was fast and the drive back to my house was quiet. I stared out my window as Cole drove, studying the stars shining brightly in the clear sky. My neighborhood didn’t have streetlights, so when I climbed down from the truck, I took a moment to look up into the midnight sky. “I’ve never been able to find the North Star.” No matter how many times someone told me the trick to finding it, I never could.
Cole joined me at my side and searched the stars. “It’s right there.”
I stepped closer, following his outstretched arm up to his pointing finger. “I still don’t see it. People always say it’s the brightest, but they all look the same to me.”
Cole chuckled, dropping his arm around my shoulders.
Even in the dark, I could see the change in his eyes. The sparkle went away as the heat took its place. It was the same heat I’d seen in his parents’ garage last week when he’d told me he wanted to kiss me.
His hand came up and, for the second time tonight, cupped my jaw. His thumb stroked across my cheek so gently that a shudder ran down my spine. And his mouth—those smooth, soft lips—began to drop.
Cole was going to kiss me. Did I want to kiss him? Yes. No. My breath started coming in pants as I flip-flopped back and forth. Cole wouldn’t do anything until I gave him a signal. All I had to do was nod or reach up a bit and he’d take it as my yes.
Except my final answer was no. I couldn’t kiss Cole. Not here. Not outside the house I shared with Jamie.
Cole sensed my decision—the one I’d made without a word—because his lips changed course and landed softly on my forehead. “Night, Poppy,” he whispered.
I closed my eyes and leaned into him even further. “Good night, Cole.”
He let me go, stepping backward twice before turning and getting into his truck.
I waved from my driveway until his taillights disappeared around the block. A slight breeze whooshed against my skin, bringing goose bumps and sending me inside. With the door locked behind me, I leaned against the wall in the entryway and slipped off my heels. Then I turned on the light and looked down the hallway that led to the living room and kitchen.
Pictures of Jamie and me lined the walls on both sides. There were pictures from college and our wedding. Pictures from our one and only year as a married couple. I glanced at the closet door on my left. I didn’t need to open it to know there were a couple of his old coats I’d kept tucked at the back, along with his favorite hat. I could wander through every room in this house and find something of Jamie’s.
This place was basically a shrine.
In the five years since I’d lost Jamie, I hadn’t changed much. All I’d done was bo
x up some of his old things for storage and sent some clothes to charity. If I truly wanted to move on, I couldn’t do it here. Not in a place I’d spent hundreds of sleepless nights, wishing for a life I’d never have back.
Which meant if I really wanted to let go—to explore this thing with Cole—it was time for me to move.
“Damn, I’m beat.” Dad slung his bag over a shoulder. “You could have taken it easy on me tonight, you know.”
“You held your own.” I chuckled and followed him out of the locker room.
Dad had come to the dojo for sparring tonight, something he hadn’t done in a while. And even though he’d been a little out of practice, he’d still managed to keep me on my toes. Probably because he wasn’t the only one out of practice. With everything I had going on at work, fixing up that truck for Poppy and trying to squeeze in as much time as I could to see her, this was the first time I’d been to karate in almost a month.
“Do you guys want to go for a beer?” Robert Sensei asked when we met him in the waiting room. He was all smiles because Dad and I had both made it to karate tonight and given him the chance to kick our asses.
“I could drink a beer.”
Dad nodded. “Me too. But one of you two is buying. It’s the least you can do for kicking my ass tonight.”
“Let me grab my stuff,” Robert said, then disappeared into the locker room.
Dad and I walked out to the reception area and took a seat. “I’m glad I came tonight.”
“Me too. That workout was long overdue.”
Sparring had given me the chance to release some pent-up frustration. It wasn’t how I’d preferred to burn my excess energy—having Poppy in my bed was my top choice—but since that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, karate would have to do.
That and my own goddamn fist.
It had been a week since I’d taken Poppy to her friend’s wedding. A week since I’d nearly lost my patience and broken my promise to take it slow. A week since I’d been on the verge of kissing her senseless.
But I’d held off so she could dictate the pace.
Would she ever be as desperate for me as I was for her? Or had Jamie taken all of her passionate moments? Would she ever want me like she’d wanted him? This fucking jealousy was plaguing me. Every night, I’d go home to my empty house and remind myself over and over and over—it’s not a competition. I just wanted Poppy to be happy. But no matter how many times I reminded myself of that goal, the jealousy wouldn’t go away.
“I talked to the city manager today,” Dad said. “Your name came up a couple of times as a potential replacement for when I retire.”
I sighed. “Dad, no. I don’t think that’s the job for me.”
“You say that now, but who knows what will happen. It’s still years away, I just want you thinking about it. Just in case. Let’s not close the door to that possibility until you’re sure.”
“I am sure.”
He shrugged, still not hearing me. “There’s no harm in keeping it as an option.”
I clamped my mouth shut so I wouldn’t say something I’d regret later. Dad was just looking out for me. He’d always been better at looking down the road than I was, and as much as I didn’t want his job, I didn’t want to disappoint him either. Luckily, he wasn’t retiring anytime soon. We didn’t need to wreck a perfectly good night because I’d told him how I really felt and let him down.
So we just visited about nothing as the rest of the students shuffled out of the dojo. With the last of them gone, Dad and I followed Robert outside.
“Where do you guys want to go?” I dumped my bag into the back of my truck just as I caught a flash of red out of the corner of my eye.
I know that red.
I did a double take just as Poppy disappeared into the apartment building across the street. “What the hell?”
What was she doing in a low-income apartment complex? I’d made two busts with the drug task force in that complex and it was on Bozeman PD’s regular watch list. My Poppy had no business being in that building. It was unsafe and the last place I wanted her wandering around on a Monday night.
“Cole. Earth to Cole.” Dad smacked my arm.
“Sorry. I’ll, uh . . .” I waved him off and started jogging across the parking lot. “I’ll catch up to you later!”
I heard them yell something back but I didn’t turn. I just picked up the pace, hoping I’d catch Poppy before she vanished into an apartment.
I ran across the street and straight to the glass door she’d used, ripping it open, then listening for her voice.
“This is it.” A man’s voice came from the second floor. “Like I told you on the phone. Six hundred a month plus utilities.”
“Thanks,” she said. “Can I look around?”
Was she looking to live here? Oh, fuck no. I took the stairs two at a time, hitting the second-floor landing just in time to see her walk through the doorway of an apartment.
“Poppy.”
She spun around at my voice. “Cole? What are you doing here?”
I crossed the landing, taking her elbow and pulling her toward the stairs and away from the door. “Let’s go.”
“But—”
“Hey, don’t you want to see the apartment?” the guy called from inside the unit.
“No,” I answered for her, still pulling her to the stairs. When we reached the top step, I let go of her elbow and slid my hand down her arm to take her hand.
“Cole,” she hissed, tugging her hand free. “What are you doing? I wanted to look at that place and tonight’s the only night I have off this week.”
I frowned and grabbed her hand again, this time with a firmer grip. “I’ll save you the time. You’re not looking at that apartment.”
She grumbled something but followed me down the stairs, stomping a bit until we were outside. Then she yanked her hand free again and fisted it on a hip. “What was that about? And what are you doing here?”
I pointed to the karate school across the street, where my truck was alone in the parking lot. “I was just leaving the dojo and saw you come in here. Since this building is definitely not safe, I came over to check on you.”
“Oh,” she muttered. “Why is this building not safe?” She looked around the three-building complex. “It looks nice.”
“Trust the cop on this one, okay? It might seem nice on the outside, but this is not a place you need to be hanging around.”
She stared at me for a long moment, debating whether or not to keep arguing, until she tossed her hands in the air. “Fine.”
“Why’re you looking for apartments?” I fell in step at her side as she started toward her car, parked a few paces down the street.
“I decided it’s time to move.”
“Oh-kay,” I drawled. I’d seen her twice for dinners this week and she hadn’t said a word about moving. “Why?”
She shrugged. “I just think it’s time.”
There was more behind her motives but I wasn’t going to push. Maybe it was too hard to live in that house, the one she’d shared with Jamie. Maybe all this work on his list really was helping her to let go. And if moving was what she needed to do, then I’d support her a hundred percent.
As long as it wasn’t into a criminal cesspool.
Or a shit hole.
Or something full of college students.
In fact, there weren’t many places I wanted her living. The only acceptable place that came to mind was my own house. There, she could use my kitchen to experiment with new recipes. She could stack her girly wheat beer next to my Bud Light in the fridge. She could share my bed.
But . . . slow. She needed slow.
So instead of moving her completely into my life like I wanted, I’d help her find a decent rental she could live in—for now.
“Is this the first place you’ve looked at?”
“You mean tried to look at?” She jabbed me in the ribs with her elbow.
I chuckled, fighting the urge to pul
l her in for a hug.
“No,” she sighed. “I’ve looked at two other places this week. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a decent rental in Bozeman? All of the good ones are already taken by college students and people moving to town. And since you just vetoed my best option, I’m back to square one.”
“Sorry.”
She smirked. “Liar.”
“You’re right. I’m not sorry. How about I make it up to you and help you scour the rental ads?”
“Riiight.” She narrowed her eyes as we stopped by her car. “You just want to go through my list and filter it down to those you deem acceptable.”
“Guilty,” I grinned, “but my offer still stands. How about I come hang at the restaurant tomorrow for dinner and help you make a list?”
She gave me her brightest smile, making all the nights alone worth it. “It’s a date.”
“Try this one next.” Poppy set a jar down in front of me. On the bottom was what looked like chili and, on the top, a layer of corn bread.
I picked up my spoon from the tiny jar of quinoa salad I’d just demolished and dove right in.
“Well?” she asked as I chewed. “Good enough for the fall menu?”
I swallowed my bite and nodded. “Good. Really good. Add it.”
She smiled and took my jar away before I could take another bite.
“Hey! I was going to eat that.”
“One sec.” She held up a finger and disappeared back into the kitchen.
“Damn it, woman,” I cursed as she giggled from behind the swinging door.
She’d been making me try new recipes since I’d gotten here thirty minutes ago. Now that it was September, she was on a mission to get her fall menu settled and I was her test subject. Except the only thing she’d actually let me eat was the fucking quinoa.
Not that it wasn’t good. Just like everything she made, it was tasty. But I was a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy. I wanted the fucking chili and corn bread. Or the beef stew she’d brought out. Or the homemade chicken noodle soup. Not quinoa with red peppers and zucchini.