“Okay.” It was an easy deal to make. Much easier than the last deal they made, when she was desperate to see that he would be okay. To make sure his son would be safe and protected.
But Christine did what Magni asked and never tried to see what happened to Lori and their son, letting the guilt of omission eat away at her.
And now he was worried about what her gift did to her. Would he feel the same if he knew she held back the entirety of her vision all these years, letting him believe a lie?
Magni scooped her up and held her to him as he easily navigated the uneven terrain. Christine closed her eyes. She was exhausted. From what she saw. From what she knew. From what she had to hold back.
Then and now.
“I’m taking her in and putting her to bed.” Magni’s voice pulled her from a short sleep she didn’t realize came as he carried her. They were in his cabin. In his room.
He set her gently on his bed, pushing the hair away from her face. “Go back to sleep.” He shook out a buffalo check blanket and pulled it across her. “I’ll be in the shop.”
She should go with him. There were still plenty of glass panels to finish and the diner was almost ready for the fixtures. Christine started to sit up. “I’m fine. I’ll come with you.”
He shook his head as one hand pressed her back to the mattress. “You need to learn how to put yourself first sometimes.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Until you do, I’ll be the one making sure it happens.”
This time he wasn’t bargaining.
And damned if she didn’t like it.
He didn’t wait for her to agree. Magni left the room, softly pulling the door shut behind him. The heavy step of his boots faded as he walked away. Christine barely heard them as a sound sleep descended on her. Pulling her in swiftly and surely and she let it because for the first time since her mom died she didn’t feel alone.
Because of Magni.
****
Christine sat up, gasping for air. Her eyes searched wildly around the strange room as the scene from her dream lingered in her sleep fogged brain.
She scrambled off the bed, and backed into a corner as steps raced toward the room. The door flew open.
The sight of Magni standing in the room, his chest heaving, eyes wide, stole the strength from her legs. She crumpled to the floor.
How would she be able to do this again? Even with Magni at her side this was her burden to bear. One that he couldn’t help her with no matter how strong he was.
“What’s wrong?” Magni dropped to his knees beside her. “What happened?”
She shook her head.
This was what her supposed gift was. Secrets. Lies. Pain.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She worked so hard to put that fucking wall up and now...
Now she had to go through this all over again anyway. Because this is how it was fated to happen.
For the first time Christine realized her gift wasn’t her own.
“Christine, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” Magni was upset. Frustrated. She could feel his emotions as clearly as if they were her own. But even feeling the way he did, his words were still soft and gentle. Almost pleading.
She swallowed the knot of sadness in her throat. “I can’t tell you.”
What happened today would have to be her secret, her burden until the time was right. Only then could Christine share what she saw with the man who would need the information to protect the thing he loved the most.
Until then she would have to watch as the vision unfolded, wishing she never saw anything at all.
Again.
16
“Christine Sullivan?” A young woman in lavender scrubs stared down at the clipboard in her hands from the doorway that separated the waiting area from the examination rooms. Her face was all business as she held the door open, waiting. Christine got up from the uncomfortable chair she’d been trying not to panic in and laid the magazine she pretended to read back on the end table it came from.
The woman in scrubs shot her a tight smile as she approached. “Good morning.”
No, ‘how are you feeling’ or ‘how has your day been’. She already knew. The clipboard in her hand told the nurse more about Christine’s future than she could ever see.
The nurse opened the door at the end of the hall and stepped inside, motioning for Christine to sit down in one of two chairs beside a large desk. “She’ll be in in just a few minutes.” She gave Christine a soft pat on the shoulder as she left.
This sucked.
Going through it once was awful enough but at least then she had her mom by her side. Now...
Who was she going to ask to be her partner in cancer treatments? Hold her hand while she was poked and prodded. Wipe her mouth after sedation made her puke? Change the dressings on her Franken-boobs after another surgery steals more of her body and radiation nukes what’s left?
No one.
No one deserved to have to do that. No one should be expected to.
Last time her mother made it a war, helped Christine find strength in what she was able to overcome.
Maybe eventually she would feel the same about it this time. She would put on her gear and knuckle down for another battle. But not today. Today it wasn’t fair. Today she had so much more to lose than last time.
Today she was tired.
Today Christine doubted her strength.
She didn’t turn when the door opened.
“Hey there.” Dr. Pashal breezed into the room, her long black hair swept into a side braid. “Thanks for coming in.” She slid into the seat on the other side of the desk and folded her hands in front of her on top of the smooth surface. “We need to do an ultrasound.”
This was one of a hundred reasons she liked Dr. Pashal. The woman didn’t mince words and it made Christine feel comfortable doing the same thing. “Is it back?”
Dr. Pashal flipped open the file on her desk and pulled a slide free, slipping it under the clips on her light box before switching it on. “I don’t think it’s a recurrence.” She leaned close to the image of Christine’s breast on the illuminated box. She pinched her lips together and shook her head. “I’m just concerned it could be something new.” She pointed to a tiny blur on the slide that looked like every other blur on the image. “I think we should do an ultrasound to see if we can get a better idea of what it is I’m seeing.”
Christine took a deep breath. “Okay.”
Dr. Pashal smiled. “Good.” She pulled the slide free and slid it into the folder. “Can you go now?”
Christine picked up her purse. “Sure.” She pointed up to the ceiling. “Still two floors up?”
“That’s it.” Dr. Pashal wrapped one arm around Christine’s shoulders and pulled her into her side. “I don’t think it’s anything but I don’t want to take any chances.”
Christine managed a smile. “I appreciate it.”
An hour later her boob had been covered in slime and had a wand rolled over every part of it in a freezing cold room. At least the tech was funny, managing to make it as tolerable as possible. Now she was right back where she started, where this whole thing started over five years ago, in Dr. Pashal’s office.
Dr. Pashal came in the office and sat down in the chair beside Christine instead of on the other side of the desk. “It could go either way.” She pulled out a sheet of paper and scanned it. “We need to do a needle biopsy.”
“When?”
“Let’s get it over with so you can get this off your plate.” Dr. Pashal shoved the ultrasound report back into Christine’s ever growing file at the breast specialist’s office. “How’s your tomorrow look?”
Christine tipped her head from side to side, trying to ease the tension playing tug of war with her neck muscles. “It looks as good as any day.”
“Awesome.” Dr. Pashal slapped one hand on the front of her file. “I will see you then. The desk will have all your paperwork.”
****
“Back already?” Kari flipped a white towel over her shoulder. “You’re becoming a regular.”
Christine slid onto the same stool as her last visit to the bar. “You have no idea.” She sat her purse on the seat beside her.
Kari’s eyes twinkled in the dim glow of the pendant lights hanging over the bar. “I have some idea.” She leaned on the bar. “I heard you made Lori shit her pants.”
Christine spun the stack of rings on her middle finger and tried to find some enjoyment out of the memory. “Not all by myself.”
Kari let out a whoop and stood up straight. “I love it.” She looked over her shoulder, then leaned in. “I also heard you slapped the shit out of her.”
Christine shook her head and pursed her lips, trying not to smile. “She didn’t shit that time.”
Kari pointed at her. “Christine you are a badass.” She took a step back. “And since you have convinced me of your badassery, I think you deserve a treat.” Kari glanced around the bar before dropping down to a squat and opening a cabinet. She pulled free a mason jar filled with clear liquid and set it on the bar. “Plus I can imagine you could use a little nip after the exciting week you’ve had.”
Christine picked up the jar and peered through the glass at the colorless alcohol. “What is it?”
“That is moonshine.” Kari pulled two tiny glasses from behind the bar. “Real moonshine.”
Christine set the jar down. “Isn’t moonshine illegal?”
Kari tipped her head from side to side. “Technically.” She spun the lid on the jar. “But then again so is assault.”
“Fair enough.” Christine gripped one of the tiny glasses and held it in front of Kari. “Hit me.”
Kari tipped the jar, spilling a tiny bit into the glass. “Take it easy on this stuff. It could probably peel paint off the wall.”
Christine sniffed at the rim. It didn’t smell too bad. A little alcoholy but not the turpentine odor she expected. She looked up at Kari who had her own glass in her hand.
Kari tapped her glass against Christine’s. “I wouldn’t tell Magni I let you drink this.” She swallowed hers in one gulp without even a wince.
Well now she had to do it too. Christine took a deep breath and knocked back the swallow Kari poured her. The liquor was surprisingly smooth and a little sweet, warming her from tongue to tummy.
She set the glass back on the bar with a solid thunk. “He’s not the boss of me.”
“I wouldn’t tell him that either.” Kari took both glasses and set them in the sink then slid the moonshine back in its hideaway.
“I am a grown woman. I have been on my own for...” Christine thought about a fact some people might find depressing. “I’ve been on my own for always.”
It didn’t feel depressing to her. Her whole life was on her terms. Whatever she wanted to do, she did. It was better that way. Easier.
Until now.
“It makes it difficult to know how to be with someone.” Christine wiped at a few drops of moonshine that splashed onto the bar. “I’ve never made room in my life for anyone.”
“He takes up a lot of damn room.” Kari wiped across the spot with a rag. “Is that what you want?”
That was why she was drawn to him. Magni was strong. A force to be reckoned with. A man who didn’t ask permission and didn’t give reasons. The kind of man who wouldn’t balk at a woman with a backbone.
He wouldn’t let her shut him out.
Christine blew out a breath and leaned back in her seat. “He’s all I ever wanted.”
But there were so many other things, important things, heavy things, that needed to be considered. Like the fact that she was still keeping secrets from him, old and new. Like his son. Like his wife.
And in spite of those things, or maybe because of them, all Christine wanted to do at this very minute was go to him because she was tired. Tired of the wall. Tired of being alone. Tired of hiding from what she was. And being with Magni made her feel safe. He was the only person in the world she knew could protect her.
Unfortunately, there was a very good chance he was going to have to protect her from herself.
****
“Have you lived here long?” Joel took the cup of coffee Magni offered him and sipped it easily. He looked into the cup. “This is good.”
Magni chuckled as he took a swallow from his own cup. “No denying you’re my son. Most people can’t stomach the shit I make.”
Joel was quiet for a minute as he continued to stare into his cup. “Would you tell me what happened when Lori left?”
Magni set his cup on the table covered with Christine’s tools. It was strange how seeing his life next to a piece of hers made him feel less upset about recounting the past. As if knowing this was what would eventually come of it made it all worthwhile. If only he’d figured it out sooner and grown a pair, Christine could have been his years ago.
Magni propped his ass on the table and faced Joel. “Lori and I were very different people.” Magni crossed his arms over his chest as he thought back to the little girl he chased around the playground pretending he couldn’t catch her.
“Different how?” Joel pulled up a stool and sat.
“I was always real straight laced. Worked hard. Trying to help take care of our family.” He’d had one job or another as long as he could remember. That’s the way it was out here. The whole family worked together to scrape by. Just like now, only they weren’t scraping so much anymore.
“Lori was like the wind. Always moving in different directions. A free spirit who didn’t like to be tied down. That’s what I liked about her.”
“That she was different?”
Magni shook his head. “No. That she was a challenge.”
“Was she still like that after you got married?”
Magni stared at the floor. Remembering his life with Lori was never easy. At first because of the guilt and now because he knew the truth. “Yeah.”
He should have seen Lori was unhappy with the life he convinced her to live. He just didn’t want to. She was a hard won prize. One he didn’t want to admit was pushing away from him. And then she was gone and he didn’t have to think about the why until now.
“I wanted her to be something she wasn’t.” Magni looked at his son. “That’s why she left I’d imagine.”
“It’s not your fault.” Joel’s cup hit the table with a solid thunk as he set it down in front of him. His hand clenched into a fist beside the cup. “And even if it was, that doesn’t make how she did it any less wrong.” His eyes were dark, filled with an anger Magni felt many times in his life.
“I wish I knew about you.” Of everything, that was what upset Magni the most. Not that Lori disappeared, leaving people suspicious he’d done something to her that day in the woods. Not that he wasted years of his life looking for her. That he could deal with.
But he couldn’t get past what she did to their son.
“Does she know what we are?”
Magni shook his head. “No.”
Even as infatuated as he was with Lori, as much as he believed he loved her, Magni always knew he could never trust her with his secret. The secret his family guarded with their life. A secret his son shared.
“How did you keep your parents from discovering what you were?” Magni couldn’t imagine how difficult his life would have been without a father and a brother to share the burden of the secret, let alone as a kid who had no idea what his body was trying to do.
“Anytime I got upset enough to cause problems I took off. Hid. From the time I was little I always needed to be alone when something made me mad and I didn’t know why. Then I found out.” He looked at Magni. “Back to you and Lori and the day she left.”
Magni wanted to know more about the day Joel discovered what he was but his son clearly wasn’t ready. Hopefully there would be plenty of time for that. Until then, Magni would give Joel any answers he wanted. Starting with one he wasn’t proud of.
&
nbsp; “She convinced me to smoke with her.”
Joel looked surprised. “Weed?”
Magni nodded his head. “She might not have known exactly what I was, but Lori knew I was different. That I could find anything in the woods.”
“So she drugged you.”
“It was something she did and always wanted me to do with her.” His stomach turned. Maybe Lori was planning to leave for a long time and that morning just happened to be the day he went along with her plan. “It made me feel foggy. When she disappeared I couldn’t force myself to pull up the beast, not even a little. I could have found her if I did but my body wouldn’t cooperate.”
Joel shook his head. “She still hasn’t tried to come see me.”
One more thing Lori did that Magni would never be able to understand. “I wish I could give you some sort of explanation but I can’t.” If anything showed just how sorry Lori was about what she did it was the fact she’d been in town for weeks and had yet to see the son she gave up. Supposedly the whole reason she came back in the first place.
But it wasn’t.
She said she got the letter from Craig weeks ago and instead of responding, Lori took her time wrapping up her clandestine second life before packing up and moving back to Greenlea. The only time she made mention of seeing Joel was if Magni was a part of the equation.
Joel shrugged. “Would I like the chance to talk to her, sure.” He raised his brows. “But honestly the whole point of finding you guys was to figure out what I was.” He looked up at Magni. “So I got what I wanted out of it.”
That sounded final. As if Joel was done with what brought him here and ready to move on. “I hope you’re not planning to leave already.”
Joel shifted in his chair, stretching his long legs out in front of him. “I can’t just loiter around town all day, drinking beer and eating Gail’s cooking.” He patted his stomach. “I’ll get fat and lazy.”
It was the opening Magni was hoping for. “Then come work with us.”
Joel looked up.
“We need the help. Hagen and I can’t keep up with it all and Jerrik has to hang around town most of the time to make sure everyone behaves there.” Magni tried to hold back. He didn’t want Joel to feel pressured to stay but damned if he didn’t want his son here with him. “If you try it and don’t like it, no harm no foul.”
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