by Twyla Turner
“I’m doing it as a favor, just to shut her up! I know she won’t let up until I say yes, so just back off! I can’t open up to any man right now. Why do you care so much anyway?” Lexi rallied.
“Because I fucking want you! Okay?!” Sloan exploded, finally jumping up.
“You want me?! You don’t even know me. I’m all kinds of fucked up! If you knew you’d run in the other direction or take advantage. I’ve been down this road and I don’t need this shit!” Lexi yelled at him.
“Whatever it is, I don’t care Alexis! Just trust me!” Sloan implored.
“What do you want from me?!” Lexi stared back at him in frustrated anger. “You know what…fine, you wanna know? I don’t give a shit anymore.” Lexi said as she grabbed the waistband of her pants at her hips.
Sloan froze, not knowing what was she was doing or about to reveal. Her pants fell to the floor as she pushed them down. Lexi stood before him with her hands balled up in fists at her sides, in just her tank top and panties and at first he didn’t understand what he was supposed to be seeing. But as his gaze roved over her body his eyes finally focused on her thighs and in the dim light he could see a series of crisscrossing scars that marred her smooth skin. They started at her inner thighs and made their way towards the front.
Sloan drew in a sharp breath threw his teeth, making a hissing noise.
“Alexis, what happened?” Sloan said softly.
“I’m a cutter, Sloan. You know, as in self-mutilation.” Lexi said angry and embarrassed that he’d pushed her to expose her vulnerability.
“But why?” Sloan asked still in shock.
“Oh I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve been beaten down emotionally and physically practically since I was born. I’ve had countless boyfriends that have beat and raped me, the last of which put me in the hospital and killed any possibility of me ever having children.” Lexi choked, tears welling up in her eyes when she’d thought she had nothing left. “Oh wait, and to top it off I watched my father kill my mother and then kill himself when I was eleven years old, setting a precedence for what I believed relationships should be like. So forgive me if some imbalance in my brain makes me feel better when I cut myself or makes me feel like I have some modicum of control over the pain that is inflicted on me.” Lexi ended in exhaustion.
Sloan stood in shocked silence, not knowing what to say to her. He figured that she’d had a bad relationship and possibly even abused, but never in his wildest imaginings did he anticipate the extent of what she had been through. And she was right, most men would run for the hills if a woman unloaded that kind of baggage on them, but surprisingly Sloan felt no different now than he had before she made her confession.
In fact, he realized that he actually felt stronger for her than before. She was obviously tougher than she knew, trying to start a whole new life in a new place on her own. And with everything she was dealing with she still had enough compassion inside of her to help a bum start over too.
“That’s what I thought. No comment. Damaged goods aren’t that appealing anymore, are they?” Lexi said finally stooping down to pull her pants back up and preparing to pick up the mess she had made in her meltdown.
“I don’t care.” Sloan said in a whisper.
“What?” Lexi said looking up at him.
“I said, ‘I don’t care’. I am genuinely sorry for what happened to you and I can’t imagine the pain you’ve been through, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I want you more than anything or anyone I’ve ever wanted in my life.” Sloan said fiercely.
Now it was Lexi’s turn to stand in shocked silence. She couldn’t fathom why anyone would want her, at least not in a healthy way.
“You’ll turn out just like them. They all do eventually.” Lexi stated with confidence.
Sloan quickly shortened the distance between them and captured her face in his hands, forcing her to look up at him.
“Don’t ever compare me to those bastards! Ever! They’re all a bunch of fucking cowards, finding defenseless women to abuse. I’m nothing like that. Do you hear me?” Sloan asked, hurt that she would think of him so poorly.
“It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I seem to bring out the worst in men. I’m sure none of the others laid a hand on a woman before me. So there’s only a matter of time before I do something to make you lose it on me.” Lexi explained.
“Are you kidding me? So far you’re the first person to believe in me since I’ve been back to the States. I saw your painting, which is brilliant I might add, but like I told you earlier, it made me realize how isolated I’ve made myself from everyone around me. It makes me want to be present in this world. And the compassion you’ve shown me makes me want to get back on my feet, to make you proud…make myself proud again. You did that!” Sloan tried to make her understand the impact she’d had on him only after a few days. “Just give me a chance to show you how a relationship is supposed to be. How a man is supposed to love a woman.” Sloan pleaded, his face inching towards hers wanting to taste her lips again.
“Sloan…” She whispered breathless against his lips.
Sloan placed gentle kisses on her trembling lips. Lexi started to shake uncontrollably as memories of knuckles smashing the delicate skin on her face, ribs cracking from harsh kicks and an erection ripping her insides apart.
“Ah God…I can’t…I can’t!” Lexi sobbed breaking away from him and running into the house.
Sloan stood dejected, watching Lexi flee. He hung his head in defeat. Looking down he saw the broken canvas. Bending down, he picked up the torn painting and held the two pieces together. He realized that Lexi had painted an abstract angry version of her thighs and womb torn and bloodied.
Sloan felt sick thinking about what had been done to her at the hands of her father and the men in her past. He felt a very real rage, but had nowhere to release it. For now he just swallowed it down, bottling it up inside. He sighed and began to straighten up the porch that the tiny woman had nearly destroyed.
After he was done, Sloan walked into the kitchen and decided to make them sandwiches. Making a plate for Lexi, he carried it upstairs and knocked on her door.
“Please, Sloan I just want to be alone for a little while. I promise I’m not hurting myself.” Lexi said sadly from the other side of the door.
“I just brought you something to eat. I’ll leave it in front of the door if you want it.” Sloan said, placing the plate on the floor and then headed back downstairs to eat his sandwich and feed Tank.
After eating and cleaning up the kitchen, Sloan headed upstairs with Tank for another restless night. He noticed that the plate was no longer in front of Lexi’s door when he went into his room. He smiled, glad that she had apparently eaten the sandwich he’d left her.
Inside his room he removed the mattress from the frame again and laid it on the ground. Lying down, surprisingly his eyelids became heavy with fatigue. Before he drifted off to sleep he realized that the stress of the evening must have worn him out.
They ran through the streets of an Afghan city. Sloan and Vick ran down deserted streets, running from an unknown enemy. They rounded a corner and a bomb went off throwing Sloan backwards and in slow motion he watched as Lexi, instead of Vick was blown to bits in front of his eyes. Sloan screamed his heart ripping in two as the woman he loved was ripped away from him in one devastating blow.
“Sloan! Wake up, wake up! It’s not real. You’re not in Afghanistan. You’re here in Savannah. You’re here with me…Lexi. It’s okay.” Lexi comforted him, combing back his hair with her fingers.
Sloan’s eyes flew open and he looked up at her. But still trapped in the nightmare all he saw was her bloody face. He half screamed half sobbed and crawled away from her to the corner of the room, cowering in fear.
Tears welled up in Lexi’s eyes as she looked at the strong man so broken in the corner. In that moment Lexi understood how he could still want her, damaged and all. Because she still wanted him, as s
cared as she was to take that step into trusting another human being. They were both broken and scarred people on the inside and out and they were both trying their damnedest to crawl out of that hell into the light to make a better life for themselves.
“Sloan, please it’s me I swear. I’m okay and you’re okay. We’re here in the old house in Savannah. You said that you wanted me, you kissed me.” Lexi crawled towards him till she was in touching distance and laid her hand on his knee. “And it felt so good, but I was scared. I’m scared to open myself up to you. Because what if you hurt me, I can’t go through that again. Or what if I’m not good enough for you? You’re stronger than me, you can fight your way out of this, but I don’t know if I can.” Lexi said, truly opening up for the first time, telling him her fears in order to bring him back from whatever torture he had dreamt.
Sloan heard her words and wanting to believe everything was alright that he wasn’t in Afghanistan and that she was still okay, he slowly pulled his hands from his face. He saw the dark bedroom, the glow of Tank’s worried eyes next to Lexi. Finally he saw her, whole and beautiful in the darkness.
Sloan sat up and knelt in front of Lexi. He reached out a shaking hand to touch her cheek as if to make sure she was real.
“You were there with me. Well at first it was Vick, but then a bomb went off and all of a sudden it was you. And…and…oh God, it was awful.” Sloan dropped his hand from her cheek. “I couldn’t save him…I couldn’t save you.” He bowed his head in defeat.
“I’m right here, Sloan. I’m sure you did all that you could to save Vick. And you can’t save me. I have to be able to do that for myself. Sure you can help and I can do my best to help you. But we have to save ourselves. That’s too much burden for anyone to bear…to be someone’s savior.” Lexi rationalized.
“I know. You’re right, you’re right. But that still doesn’t change how awful that dream was and there was nothing I could do. Fuck! I had to deal with that shit for more years than I’d like to think about and now that I’m here I still can’t leave that fucking place.” Sloan said in frustration.
“I’m so sorry, Sloan. Maybe renovating the house and rebuilding your construction career will help with everything. I think you’ve been idle too long, just sitting and stewing in misery. We both need this.” Lexi advised.
“Yeah, you’re right.” Sloan said, and then took a deep cleansing breath. “Can…can I sleep with you?” At Lexi’s wide-eyed look, Sloan continued. “I don’t mean have sex! I just…I don’t want to be alone. You can put pillows between us, if that’ll make you feel more comfortable. Please Alexis, I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.” Sloan beseeched.
“Alright. But can you bring your mattress in like the other night, just in case I freak out?” Lexi asked.
“Okay. Thank you.” Sloan said softly, standing up and reaching out a hand to help Lexi up as well.
Grabbing the mattress, Sloan and Tank followed Lexi into her room. Lexi stood awkwardly on the side of the bed as Sloan laid the mattress down on the floor on the other side. He straightened up and they just stared at each other for a while, both feeling shy, not having slept next to another person of the opposite sex in a really long time.
“You first.” Sloan said gesturing to Lexi to get in the bed.
Once she slid in under the sheet she handed Sloan one of the two pillows under her and he placed it next to her hip and he grabbed one of the two from his side and placed it next to her upper torso. She lay perfectly still on her back with her hands clasped on her stomach.
“Could you not lie like that? It’s freaking me out. You look like you’re supposed to be laying in a casket or something.” Sloan said half joking half serious, especially after the dream he’d just had.
“Oh, sorry. I’m not exactly sure which way I should lay.” Lexi said, tensing as he got into the bed.
“Well you could always face me and maybe we could talk for a little while. I won’t bite.” Sloan teased.
“Okay.” Lexi said softly as she turned towards him.
They laid there a moment, staring at each other in the soft glow of the moonlight streaming through the window. Sloan reached out and clasped her right hand that lay on the pillow. She didn’t recoil from his touch, which he took as a good sign and he gently started stroking his thumb over her small fingers.
“What…what were you like with girls? Before the war, I mean?” Lexi quickly asked before she lost her nerve.
“A flirt, I guess.” Sloan shrugged.
“Oh there has to be more to it than that.” Lexi pushed, like he always did to her.
“I don’t know. I guess getting girls always came easy to me, so I didn’t really think about it. I was overconfident and maybe even a little cocky.” Sloan said, wistfully remembering how he took his looks for granted back then.
“You know, you could still be that way. You think you scars are a deterrent, when they’re actually anything but. As far as I know, most women think scars are sexy.” Lexi tried to assure him.
“So…does that mean you think I’m sexy?” Sloan grinned, making him look sexy and devilish in the moonlight.
“Oh hush!” Lexi blushed hard and was thankful for the dark room.
“So where did you get those remarkable green eyes?” Sloan asked seriously.
“My mom.” Lexi said softly.
“What was she like?” Sloan continued on, hoping that she wouldn’t reclose the vault.
“She was beautiful and kind. But she was the type of woman that let men take advantage. She never stood up for herself, though she did stand up for me when my father decided to take his anger out on me instead of her. But then he’d only beat her worse for it. So I learned about relationships through my fucked up parents. So I kept finding guys like my dad and since I was so much like my mom it ended up being a destructive combination.” Lexi finished sadly, followed by a big yawn.
“I hate what you had to go through. You deserve so much better than that. But anyway, I should let you get some sleep I know you must be tired. And we’ve got a big day tomorrow.” Sloan said before yawning himself.
“Yeah, it’s like Christmas. I can’t wait to make this place my own.” Lexi said with pent up excitement.
“Goodnight, Alexis.”
“Goodnight, Sloan.”
They quickly fell asleep, still clasping hands. Mental and emotional exhaustion taking over.
Chapter 8
“Everything”
Sloan woke up slowly opening his eyes, squinting at the bright morning light coming in through the window. When his eyes finally adjusted and focused, he gazed on the best vision he could think of to wake up to.
Lexi was still asleep across from him. Her hand was still wrapped tightly in his, her face serene and trouble free in sleep. I love you, Sloan thought to himself and then froze as he realized what he had just admitted to himself. But he knew it was true. He loved Lexi with every fiber of his being. He wasn’t sure when the feeling had snuck up on him, but he knew he couldn’t turn back now.
“I love you.” He whispered to her, wanting to say it out loud even if she didn’t hear it.
Lexi’s eyelids started to fluttered. Sloan’s breath caught when her sleepy green eyes finally opened and focused on him. A soft smile touched her lips and a slight flush spread across her cheeks, tinting them pink as she realized he had been watching her sleep.
“God you’re even more beautiful in the mornings! You’re the best sight to wake up to ever.” Tank whined in response on the floor next to them. “Sorry buddy, but there’s no contest.” Sloan grinned at Lexi as the blush deepened across her cheeks. “And I told you I’d behave. I didn’t cross the pillows even once.”
“No you didn’t. Thank you for being such a gentleman.” Lexi said shyly.
“I have to admit that sleeping next to you was one of the most peaceful nights I’ve had in longer than I can remember. Thank you for letting me stay.” Sloan said sincerely.
“You’re wel
come. Well if we’re both being honest, it was the best sleep I’ve ever had too. You make me feel safe. Tank, too.” Lexi looked away bashfully.
“Good. Then you won’t mind when I show up at your door tonight, because I need a little more of that kind of sleep.” Sloan grinned devilishly, leaned over to quickly kiss Lexi on the nose and then jumped up out of the bed. “Are you ready for a big day? Walls are coming down today, so bring out those muscles!” Sloan said with eagerness.
“Yep, I’m ready. Point me in the right direction Master Renovator and I’ll gladly get this party started.” Lexi said hopping up from the bed, making Sloan chuckle in surprise at this playful side of Lexi.
“I’ll let you get dressed. Put on something comfy that you don’t care about getting dirty or ruined.” Sloan suggested before he left to give her some privacy.
Lexi was amazed at how such a rough night, filled with heartbreaking emotions, stunning confessions and then a peaceful sleep could make her feel so hopeful, happy and uplifted. And knowing that they were going to start the long and arduous task of making the house her very own, added to the feeling of optimism coursing through her.
Renovating the house was like a metaphor for her life. As she was tearing down the walls of the house, she was tearing down her walls of self-abasement and low self-esteem. And as she rebuilt them, she’d make the house and herself stronger, more beautiful and with added value.
With more pep in her step than she’d had in a long time, Lexi walked to the bathroom, did her business and then quickly brushed her teeth and washed her face. Heading back to her bedroom she grabbed a pair of gray cropped yoga pants and a loose-fitting gray and white stripped tank with a little red pocket on the left breast quickly putting them on, and then she pulled on her red canvas tennis shoes. Last she tied a red handkerchief around her head as a knock sounded at the door.
“Come in.” Lexi called out.
Sloan opened the door, carrying in the sledgehammers, two masks to protect their lungs from unhealthy dust and a couple pairs of gloves to protect their hands from blisters. He stopped in his tracks as he took in Lexi’s outfit, admiring her ridiculously luscious ass and wide hips encased in the tight pants.