“OK,” Derek said finally.
“What was that?” Mike asked.
“I want help,” Derek said. “Please help me, Mike.”
The words were hard to spit out. And he felt his stomach turn even as he uttered them. He hated asking for help. He was also on day four with no drugs and his body was begging for a fix.
His recovery began that day.
It was a long, lonely, and painful journey, and he’d missed all of Brynn’s infancy thanks to his mistakes. Seeing Carson’s pride in being a new dad brought back Derek’s feelings of failure. Even though he saw her regularly now and was making an effort to be in her life, he knew he’d never get back the time he had lost. He still hated himself a little for that.
He knew he shouldn’t begrudge Carson’s happiness, so he tried to swallow that a little as their workout continued. Exhausting his legs and body helped his cause. By the time they stopped, leaning over to catch their breaths, Derek felt markedly better.
“Weights now?” Reid asked.
“I’m done for the day,” Derek said. “I’ll be back tomorrow though. Same time, Slater?”
Carson nodded. “Yep. See you then.”
Derek waved to both of them and started for the clubhouse. Reid caught up with him.
“You OK, Derek?” he asked softly.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
“You just seemed a little off earlier.”
Derek shrugged. “Just wanted to get the workout done.”
Reid stepped in front of him, looking him in the eyes. “Are you sure that’s it?”
Derek hesitated. He couldn’t lie to Reid. It was no use. He’d see right through it.
“I have a lot on my mind.”
“Want to talk over dinner?”
“Tonight?”
“I can make tonight work.”
There was something in the way Reid responded that made Derek believe he wasn’t free that evening. He didn’t want Reid changing his plans for him.
“Tomorrow night would be better,” Derek said.
“Done,” Reid said. “See you tomorrow.”
Derek nodded and continued off the field and down the stairs to the clubhouse. After gathering his glove and his gym bag, he drove home for a quick shower and lunch. He answered a few emails to friends and family and then headed downtown, parking in front of a single story retail building. Chipotle and Starbucks anchored the ends of the building with small non-descript storefronts between them. Derek entered through the door that read “Genesis Counseling” in light blue lettering. He stepped out of the light drizzle and checked in with the receptionist, taking one of only three chairs in the lobby. In all his visits, he’d never had to share the waiting area with anyone else.
Even though he’d initially balked at the idea of a therapist, he eventually came around and had to admit Dr. Olsen had been helpful. Reid had encouraged him and referred him to the same counselor he’d been seeing. The first few sessions had been awkward and brief because Derek wasn’t used to talking about his feelings and inner thoughts, especially with strangers. Some of his hesitation was due to embarrassment about his mistakes as well.
Dr. Olsen had been very patient with him, waiting for him to get comfortable enough to open up. In the fourth session, Derek made a mention of his daughter, and the counselor encouraged him to talk about her. His words started simply, describing to the doctor what his daughter looked like, how old she was, and the parts of her personality that were only starting to emerge. At first, Derek’s sharing was a trickle, but after a few key questions from Dr. Olsen, the dam broke and he unleashed the whole story. He told her how he met Keely his freshman year in high school and had never even considered being with anyone else. He explained that getting married at 18 seemed natural and right even though a lot of people told them they were too young. Keely had been his rock, his cheerleader, and the best girl he’d ever known. He recounted the day they found out they were expecting a baby and how excited they had both been to start their family.
There were no mentions of his drug abuse until the next session when Dr. Olsen asked Derek to talk about being a father. Derek reluctantly admitted he hadn’t really been much of one. He told the doctor he’d chosen drugs over his daughter. His face burned as he said the words, shame weighing heavy.
It took three more sessions for Derek to fully unpack everything he’d felt when he arrived home from his bender to find Keely and Brynn gone. He’d been furious at his wife at the time, but looking back, he found he didn’t blame her anymore. She’d given him plenty of warning before she left. He just hadn’t listened. Keely had remained by his side during his injury recovery and when he first became addicted to painkillers. She tried getting him help, but he was adamant he didn’t need it. He told her he could quit on his own, and she trusted him to do just that. And Derek did get better – repeatedly. He would lapse and then go cold turkey, sometimes for weeks at a time. But rehabilitating was wearing on him – mentally – and he believed the drugs helped him. Alcohol seemed to help too. When they found out Brynn was on the way, Derek vowed to do better and be better. And for the entire pregnancy, he stuck to his word, though he’d really only given up drugs. He had continued drinking, but he hadn’t touched any pills or illegal substances in months.
Despite several lengthy conversations with his brother and therapist, Derek still didn’t know what had inspired him to detour from his errand in the days after his daughter’s birth and visit his dealer. As he left the house that day, he’d had no intentions of making that extra stop. But at some point after he picked up the items Keely had requested, he decided he needed a fix. Just a quick one. What could it hurt? He didn’t plan on being gone so long, but the drugs hit him hard. He blacked out and woke up days later in a strange apartment. He didn’t even remember how he’d gotten there.
While he’d been angry at the time, in hindsight, Derek knew Keely had been right to take Brynn and leave. He wasn’t merely useless as a husband and father, he was also a danger to them. They were the two people who were supposed to mean the most to him. He was supposed to protect them and care for them, but he’d failed.
Dr. Olsen had helped Derek process his guilt and anger, but he hadn’t yet figured out how to eliminate those feelings completely. They snuck up on him all the time. Like the first time Keely had let him see Brynn. She was one month past her first birthday when Keely agreed to meet him while the Pioneers were playing a series in Texas. Initially, Brynn had been afraid of him. He shouldn’t have been surprised. In her mind, he was a stranger. But it still broke his heart. When he realized he’d brought it on himself, his hurt turned into anger. He’d made choices that had cost him time and a relationship with his daughter. Even Keely, who had put up significant walls against Derek, gave him a look of pity.
“We’ll keep working on it,” she’d said softly to him.
After all he’d put her through and she was pitying him.
Derek had simply nodded, unsure of what to say.
“I’m sure you don’t believe me when I say this, but I never intended to keep her from you forever. I just needed to protect her at the time,” Keely said. “But you seem better. Your parents and brother have kept me up to date on your progress. I’m ready for you and Brynn to have contact. I want her to know you. You’re her father and nothing will ever change that.”
Keely’s words helped assuage some of Derek’s frustration, and eventually, Brynn did come around. Keely brought her to Texas and Kansas City whenever Derek was there for games. She even allowed him to Skype with the baby, so she would get used to his face and voice. The progress was slow, but he’d never forget the way his heart burst when he heard her calling out for “daddy” in the press room right after his big postseason win. Reid had brought her down and she was looking right at him, her arms outstretched. It’d taken everything in Derek not to break down crying in front of the cameras. Somehow, he kept it together and pulled her into his arms, hugging her tight while he continued to field que
stions.
Derek checked the time on his phone, smiling when he saw the background photo – a little girl with dark curls and brown eyes just like his. He’d taken the photo of Brynn just two weeks earlier, when he’d spent an entire week with her. His visits were still supervised by his parents, but that didn’t bother Derek. He just wanted to be with her. He didn’t care who else was there. Keely had agreed to let Derek and his folks keep Brynn while she went on a honeymoon with her new husband. When they dropped Brynn off, Brent had tried to make conversation with Derek. He seemed like a decent guy, but Derek had no interest in being friends with the guy who had replaced him. He’d maintain civility, but he was not about to be friendly with the guy who was getting a front row seat for his daughter’s childhood while he only got brief glimpses.
The guilt of not being there for Brynn had gone away for a while, but it still surfaced now and then. Like today when Carson was gushing about his newborn baby boy. Derek mentioned this to Dr. Olsen when he was finally sitting across from her in the twelve by twelve room that served as her office.
“That sounds like a natural reaction,” Dr. Olsen said.
“I suppose so, but you should have seen Carson’s face. I felt like a huge jerk,” Derek said. “I should probably apologize to him tomorrow.”
“And what will you say?”
“I don’t know yet. And you know, if I apologize, I have to explain why I was rude, and that could get weird.”
“Why would it be weird?”
Derek shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not the greatest with words. I thought you’d figured that out already.”
Dr. Olsen smiled at him. “You do just fine, Derek.”
Derek nodded. “I just don’t want to make Carson feel uncomfortable. I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk about his kid anymore without worrying about my feelings. He deserves to be excited.”
“Are you happy for him?”
“Of course I am.”
“Does your guilt or jealousy erase any of that happiness?”
“Not really. But it kind of gets in the way.”
“Well, I can’t tell you what to say, but I want to assure you it’s OK to feel what you feel. Just remember that Carson is your friend. I’m sure whatever you say, he’ll appreciate the effort.”
Derek nodded again. “Right.”
“So you get to see Brynn again soon, right?”
“Yep. I’m leaving in a few days, and I’ll get to spend about a week with her and then it’s off to spring training. Then I won’t see her for … I don’t know how long.”
“How are you feeling about that?”
“A little sad. I’m worried she’ll forget who I am and I’ll have to start all over again next off-season.”
“She’s older now, so her memory works a little better. But I understand your concern. Have you started making arrangements to see her during the season?”
“Not yet. I’m hoping to talk to Keely about it next time I see her. Now that she’s re-married, I don’t know if that will affect our agreement.”
“If it becomes an issue, you have the option of getting legal counsel.”
“I know, but I’d really like to make this work without lawyers.”
“Why are you hesitant to involve lawyers?”
“Well, for one, I want to prove Keely and I can be adults about this. Respect each other even though we’re divorced.”
“And what else?”
“I’m scared the court would look at my past and ….”
“And what?”
“Decide I don’t deserve to be Brynn’s father and limit my time with her. Or eliminate it all together.”
The next day, Derek’s car was the first one in the parking garage. He’d woken up just after dawn, unable to get back to sleep, so he gave up and decided to make the most of the extra time. His counseling appointment had gone over his usual time slot, and he’d been so exhausted, sleep came easy. He slept hard, but his mind was still a little foggy with all the emotions and questions that surfaced during his session. He hoped a good sweat session would help clear his head some more.
After dropping his bag in his locker, he grabbed his iPhone and continued down the corridor to the weight room. He fumbled for the switch and finally found it, flooding the room with light. He blinked a few times, letting his eyes adjust to the brightness and then he made his way over to the treadmill. He turned it on and set the speed for a brisk walk, increasing the tempo to a light jog after a short distance. Ten minutes later, he abandoned the treadmill and went over to a multi-sided weight implement. An Eminem tune filled his ears as he got down to business, focusing on his back and shoulders.
While he worked his muscles, he also tried to mentally work through some things in his head. Though she never directed him on what to do, Dr. Olsen had made it clear he needed to have a serious talk with Keely about their visitation agreement. While he still didn’t want to get lawyers involved, he hoped he could get something in writing. He didn’t know how Keely would react to his request. He wasn’t asking for a lot more time. That wasn’t a possibility with his schedule. He just wanted to have a set schedule so he’d know when he could see Brynn. It would relieve his anxiety about the situation and give him something to look forward to.
A tap on his shoulder pulled Derek out of his thoughts and made him jump. He pulled one ear bud out and turned quickly, causing the other person to jump back.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” she said. “I just wanted to know if you were done with the lat pull.”
As she spoke, Derek studied her. Dark brown hair was pulled tight in a ponytail on top of her head, which barely reached the center of his chest. She looked up at him with wide blue eyes that seemed almost fearful. Interesting, since he’d been the one startled.
“I … uh … no, I’m done,” Derek said. “Sorry. I was zoned out.”
“I noticed. But I’m still sorry I scared you,” she said. “I didn’t expect to find anyone in here. I try to get my workouts done before you guys get in here.”
“I got an early start today,” he said, shrugging.
“I’ll say. It’s only seven, and you look like you’ve been at it for a while,” she said.
He glanced at the clock. Indeed, it was just after seven. He’d been in the weight room for more than an hour. Carson would be here any minute, so Derek hurriedly began gathering his stuff.
“Oh, you don’t have to leave,” she said, sounding frantic and apologetic.
“It’s not you,” he replied, already heading for the door. “I need to get going. Enjoy your workout.”
“You too, Derek,” she said.
As Derek rushed out of the weight room, he registered the fact that she’d called him by name. How did she know it? He’d never seen her before. Only players and staff had access to the facilities, and he was fairly familiar with all of the people who fit in those categories. So who was she?
Chapter Two
Zella reset the weights on the lat pull station. A part-time BodyPump instructor, she could hold her own when it came to strength training, but Derek Beaman had it set with eighty pounds. That was a little heavy, even for her.
She hadn’t meant to startle him. She noticed he had ear buds in, and he was turned away from her, but she wasn’t trying to be sneaky. She thought for sure he’d glance in her direction at some point during her treadmill warm-up. But he hadn’t looked over once in those fifteen minutes. And she definitely would have noticed if he had, because her eyes left him only to check the time and distance on the treadmill every now and then.
Today she hadn’t been tempted to check her stats as often as usual. Derek had been a fine distraction. His shorts hung loosely, as seemed to be the preference of guys, but they couldn’t disguise the perfect roundness of his rear every time he went into a squat or sat on one of the benches. His sleeveless shirt hugged his torso and showcased his finely sculpted shoulders. It also gave her a better look at the tattoos that
adorned his left arm. She’d caught brief glimpses of them on TV, but they were usually peeking out from beneath sleeves. From afar, she could pick out a rose, some clouds, and a few letters as he moved and flexed. It was surreal to be in the same room with a major league baseball player – especially one of her favorites.
Growing up in Oregon and had watched baseball for as long as she could remember. Her family treated Opening Day like a holiday. Though they’d never actually gone to a season-opening game, that didn’t stop them from celebrating. If the Mariners played in the afternoon, Zella and her brother got to stay home from school and her parents took the day off from work. Decked out in their navy blue and aqua, they’d all gather around the television with hot dogs, popcorn, nachos, and soda. It wasn’t the healthiest of menus, but Opening Day was a special occasion. Together, the four Hansens watched the pre-game, cheered with the first pitch, and shared observations between batters. While her brother lit up over the offense, Zella had always been drawn to pitching and defense. She found a strikeout more thrilling than a home run. She preferred watching a low-scoring pitching duel to an all-out slugfest.
In her younger days, she’d dreamed of being in attendance at a perfect game or no-hitter, though she knew that was a lofty goal. Just going to a game was considered a luxury for her family. She didn’t set foot in a big league ballpark until her first college boyfriend surprised her with a weekend getaway to Seattle. She’d been enthralled with the game and the atmosphere, just taking it all in like she might never experience it again. He had been less than thrilled at her lack of attention to him. After a few innings, he gave up trying to pull her attention from the field. He spent the rest of the game on his phone, and he pouted for the rest of the weekend. She thanked him repeatedly for the game and the trip, but he didn’t seem to hear it. When he broke up with her a few weeks later, she wasn’t all that surprised or sad. He’d been nice enough when they first met, but as time went on, the façade had worn off and she saw how rude he could be. His temper had also started to show in flashes when they would argue. If he hadn’t ended it, she probably would have soon thereafter.
Behind in the Count: A Portland Pioneers Novel Page 2