But then there’d been Zella. She’d called out to him and asked if he was OK. His response had been rude and he knew it. She was just trying to be nice and he’d brushed her off. He should have been touched by the concern in her tone and her eyes, but instead it irritated him. He didn’t want people looking at him like he was broken and needed help. He’d had enough of that. Still, he felt guilty as he watched Zella walk back to her desk. He’d almost been compelled to apologize, but then the elevator doors closed, and he took it as a sign from the universe to just keep moving.
He intentionally steered clear of her after that, timing his workouts a little different and staying busy during Fan Fest. He’d seen her there, but it was from across the room with hundreds of fans between them. He watched as she produced pens, Sharpies, and bottles of water for Ian Davis and Justin Tanner, who had been getting ready to sign autographs. She was dressed a little more casually than the last few times he’d seen her – jeans and a long-sleeved Pioneers polo shirt – but she still looked very professional. There wasn’t any sun on that particular day, but somehow her hair looked glossy bouncing around her face as she wove through the crowd of people waiting to meet the infielders. He didn’t know how long he watched her, but it was long enough he’d missed most of the story Carson Slater had been telling him. Fortunately, Carson didn’t make any snarky comments, which meant Derek hadn’t been caught because there was no way Carson would have passed up a chance to tease him about Zella.
“That’s all you’re going to give me?” Mike asked.
“What do you want?” Derek asked.
“I want to know how those conversations with Reid and Ms. Marks went.”
“They went fine. I apologized to Reid and we got on the same page. I told Ms. Marks I understood what she was doing and I was OK with it.”
“That’s it?”
“Yep, that’s it. What more is there to say?”
“I don’t know. I guess I expected more drama.”
“You’ve been watching too much TV.”
Mike laughed. “Probably true. So are you hungry?”
Derek admitted he was, and the boys made a pit stop at Whataburger. It was one of the only fast food indulgences Derek enjoyed. And since there were no Whataburger franchises in Oregon, he didn’t mind splurging whenever he came home to Oklahoma.
“You didn’t tell Mom and Dad about that thing did you?” Derek asked as they devoured burgers and fries with Whataburger’s signature ketchup.
“No. I didn’t figure they needed to know,” Mike said. “You didn’t do anything major. And you fixed it. No need to worry them.”
“Thanks,” Derek said. “I want them to think I’m getting my life together.”
“You are getting your life together,” Mike said. “That doesn’t mean you won’t hit rough spots, but when you work through them without returning to drugs or booze, you’re winning. I’m really proud of you, bro.”
Derek nodded. “Drugs didn’t even cross my mind that day, you know.”
“That’s good,” Mike said. “It’s progress. How many days sober are you now?”
“I lost track,” Derek said. “But I haven’t had anything in more than a year.”
“It was a year ago this past November, right?” Mike asked.
“Sounds right,” Derek said. “Your memory of that time is probably better than mine.”
The holidays had been a blur for Derek that year. He’d started trying to ease up on the drugs under his own control a few months prior, but it hadn’t been easy. He’d gone back to them a few times, even occasionally mixing them with alcohol. He had an ugly outburst on Halloween, induced by his anger at not being able to see Brynn in her costume. Mike had put a stop to it and checked him into a local clinic. The next few weeks were horrible as his body detoxed. He got out in time for Christmas, but he’d been so angry, he couldn’t even enjoy the presents, food, or even his family.
In the new year, after Mike called him out on his selfishness, Derek turned a page. he started working out again, burning off his anger and trying to get back in shape just in case a team decided to take a chance on him. The Astros had released him after the confrontation with Keely’s father resulted in his May arrest and so far, not one team had shown interest. He knew he had work to do.
Just before the start of spring training, a scout from the Portland Pioneers visited him. They watched him throw a few pitches to Mike at his old high school diamond and a few days later, there was a contract in front of him. He hadn’t thrown a pitch in a live game in nearly a year, and he hadn’t appeared in a major league game in more than 18 months, but the Pioneers wanted him. Even with all the stipulations in his two-year contract, Derek was excited about his new team.
A second chance in baseball helped keep his mind in the right place. There were still plenty of people who didn’t believe he deserved to be back in the game, but he was determined to silence his critics. He was committed to showing everyone he had changed and could be a good pitcher.
He’d been slated to start that season in AAA, but he pitched out of his mind in spring training and was awarded a slot in the bullpen. By May, he was in the rotation, and by August, he’d been moved to the number two spot.
“Yeah. I remember it well. It wasn’t a whole lot of fun,” Mike said. “Crazy how much you’ve changed in a year.”
“You didn’t give me much choice,” Derek said.
“Damn straight,” Mike said. “I wasn’t letting you throw away your talent, let alone your life.”
“Good thing you’re the smart brother,” Derek said.
“I got the brains. You got the athletic talent,” Mike said.
“And the looks,” Derek teased.
“Yeah, right,” Mike said. “Your hair is terrible, and you look like Grumpy Cat when you pitch.”
“Grumpy Cat? Seriously?” Derek asked.
“You ever seen pictures of yourself pitching?” Mike asked.
“Yes, and I know I make faces, but I don’t look like Grumpy Cat,” Derek said. “Is that the best you’ve got?”
“Whatever,” Mike said, crumpling his napkin. “Let’s get going. Mom and Dad are waiting.”
An hour later, they pulled into the driveway of the modest ranch-style home where Derek and Mike had grown up. The basketball hoop over the garage was rusted and hadn’t held a net in years. Even when they still lived under their parents’ roof, the Beaman boys had spent much more time playing catch in the backyard than trading layups in the driveway. Derek had latched onto baseball at a young age and never looked back. Mike still held a record for punt returns in their high school’s record books. Basketball had never called to either Beaman boy.
Even before they were out of the truck, the front door was open. Derek hoisted his bag out of the back and turned to walk toward the house. He only took a few steps before the sight made him stop. His mother was standing just outside the door. On her hip was the small brown-haired girl who graced his phone screen and took up a huge space in his heart.
“I thought she wasn’t coming until tomorrow.”
“Keely dropped her off early. She thought you could use an extra day with her,” Linda said.
Derek smiled and crossed the remaining space, dropping his bag and reaching for the toddler. Brynn eyed him suspiciously and turned back to her grandmother.
“What’s wrong, Brynn?” he asked, feeling a little hurt by her response.
His fear about her forgetting him seemed to be coming true.
“She’s just a little shy,” Linda said. “Let’s go inside. I’m sure she’ll warm right up to you in no time.”
Derek nodded and picked up his bag again. He was disappointed, but he knew he couldn’t be mad at Brynn. Why should she remember him when he disappeared for weeks on end? How would she be when it was months? What if she never truly got used to him? His stomach turned as worry set in.
Inside the house, Derek greeted his father, Ken, and then went to put his bag in his bedroo
m. Well, the bedroom he stayed in whenever he came home. It had a few of his personal items, but over the years, his parents had turned it into more of a generic guest room. It didn’t bother him. He was rarely there anymore anyway.
He returned to the living room where Brynn was settled in Linda’s lap. Her eyes went to Derek the moment he entered the room, but she was still clinging to her grandmother. Derek sat down next to his mother, wanting to be close when Brynn came around. He smiled at her and talked to her, asking about the puppy on her shirt and asking if she’d been having fun with Grandma and Grandpa. The little girl studied him with curious eyes but gave no other response. After a few moments, Derek gave up and turned his attention to his parents, who were eager to hear how his training was going.
“My arm feels really good,” Derek said. “I’ve been trying not to challenge it too much yet, so I’ll be anxious to see how it goes once they let me throw full speed.”
“It must be reassuring to go into spring training with a guaranteed job,” Ken said.
“It is,” Derek said. “But I’m trying not to be too relaxed about it. I still need to prove I deserve the roster spot and the role in the rotation.”
“You do deserve it,” Linda said. “After last year, I don’t think anyone doubts that.”
“Not everyone’s as big a fan of me as you are, Mom,” Derek said. “I still have plenty of critics. And I don’t mind them. They keep me motivated. I’m going to prove them wrong.”
“Hell yeah,” Mike said.
“Michael Adam,” Linda said. “There are little ears in the room.”
“Sorry,” Mike said sheepishly.
Derek turned his gaze to the owner of the little ears in the room. She was still studying him and she’d loosened her grip on her grandmother. Tentatively, Derek held his hands out to her, inviting her to come to him. She looked down at his hands and the back up at him and then back down at his hands again. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she lifted her arms to him and went into his embrace. Derek felt a surge of happiness and pride as he held her, kissing her forehead.
“That’s my girl,” he said softly. “I missed you so much. Do you know that?”
Brynn settled in his lap, and he watched her, studying her features, trying to determine if she’d changed much in the two weeks he’d been away. He decided she looked the same as he remembered, but he knew that likely wouldn’t be the case the next time he saw her.
“I don’t know how I’m going deal with leaving her for months at a time during the season,” Derek said. “I mean, last season, I didn’t know what it was like to be with her. To feel like a father. Now that I do, I don’t know how I’m going to handle being away from her.”
“You’ll do the best you can,” Linda said encouragingly.
“It’s harder when I don’t know when will be the next time I see her,” Derek said. “I need to talk to Keely when she comes back to get her. We need to lay out a visit schedule of some sort.”
“That sounds like a good idea,” Ken said. “You thinking you need a lawyer for that?”
“I’d like to do it without an attorney, but if it comes to that, I have one ready,” Derek said. “I mean, I know I made some mistakes, but I’ve been sending Keely money for child support even before she let me see her. Hopefully we can work it out like adults.”
“I hope so too,” Linda said. “It’ll be better for Brynn if you two can be friends.”
“Friends might be a bit generous,” Derek said. “Civil is what I’m aiming for.”
“Well, if there’s anything we can do to help, let us know,” Ken said.
Derek nodded and hugged Brynn close.
His parents and Mike continued talking about community news and gossip. Occasionally Derek would chime in, and he participated half-heartedly when they talked about the upcoming baseball season. But his attention was mostly focused on Brynn, not wanting to waste a single second with her. While they talked, Brynn fell asleep against him. Eventually, he stood and carried her to the room his parents had set up as a nursery for her visits. He settled her in the crib and looked down at her. She was so beautiful and innocent. He admitted to himself that he was glad Keely had taken her away while he dealt with his addiction. The old Derek didn’t deserve this. But the new Derek did, and he was determined to keep being the kind of man who deserved moments like this.
He rejoined his parents and brother, and there was more baseball talk. His family asked about Reid, of whom they’d grown fond after witnessing Derek’s bond with him. Derek filled them in on Reid’s workouts and how he looked in the cages.
“He should make the roster. I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t,” Derek said. “No one else on the team knows me like he does. He helps me stay in line.”
“I don’t disagree Reid helps you, but you’ve made plenty of good decisions on your own lately,” Mike said.
“I know, but … it’s harder when we’re on the road,” Derek said. “The other guys want me to go out with them. I can’t be in bars, but they make me feel really bad about it.”
“Screw them,” Mike said. “They know your story. They should understand.”
“I think they try, but they just don’t get it,” Derek said. “I mean, they gave me grief for weeks about skipping the locker room celebration when we made the playoffs. They can’t comprehend why being around beer and champagne is a bad idea for me.”
It had been hard to leave the clubhouse while his teammates jubilantly sprayed each other to commemorate making the postseason for the first time in Pioneers history. It looked fun in all the pictures he’d seen online. But he knew he couldn’t have handled it. Reid opted out as well, and he and Derek had celebrated in their own way – dinner at the best steakhouse in town.
“Reid gets it. He knows what I’m facing,” Derek said. “I need him.”
“Well, then we’ll pray even harder for him to make the roster,” Linda said.
Everyone in the room nodded in agreement.
“And if he doesn’t, we’ll find another way to help you,” Mike said.
Derek looked at his brother. “Like what?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure we can find another solution,” Mike said. “I’ll fly out for a bunch of road trips myself if I have to.”
“You can’t afford that,” Derek said.
“You can though,” Mike teased.
“I’m not flying you all over the country. And you have work,” Derek said.
“I can use some PTO,” Mike said.
Derek knew his brother was half-serious about his offer. Mike had seen the worst of Derek’s battle, and he had told him more than once he wasn’t letting him go back there. But Mike had his own life; he had a good job as an accountant, a house, and – from what Derek had gathered – a new girlfriend, though the family had yet to meet her. Derek wasn’t going to take his brother away from that. He needed to learn to stand on his own at some point. While he believed he needed Reid’s support during the upcoming season, if his friend didn’t make the roster, he’d find a way to cope.
“We’ll cross that bridge if we need to,” Derek said.
Three days later, Keely showed up just before suppertime. It was the moment Derek was dreading. Not only would he be handing Brynn over, letting her out of his sight for at least two months, but it was time for a tough discussion. Linda stayed in the kitchen with Brynn while Derek greeted Keely at the door.
“Hi,” she said, brightly, giving a smile he’d seen often during their time together.
It was her public smile. He missed seeing her private smile, one that radiated genuine joy. He hadn’t seen that smile in a long time. Then again, he hadn’t done much to inspire it in their last few months of marriage.
“Hi,” he said. “Come on in. I thought we could talk for a minute.
“OK.”
Her smile immediately fell a little. She looked suspicious. Almost nervous. He couldn’t blame her. The words, “we need to talk” – or an
y variation of the phrase – were rarely followed by something good. To her credit, she sat down in a chair and looked him in the eye as he sat across from her.
“I want to talk about Brynn,” he said. “With the new season starting, I’m worried about when I’ll get to see her.”
“I told you I wouldn’t keep her from you,” Keely said. “I know you’ll be traveling a lot and your life gets crazy, but I promise you’ll see her.”
“I believe you,” Derek said. “I was just hoping we could set some kind of schedule.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
Derek produced a sheet of paper that held calendars of the next several months. He and his parents had sat down the previous night, cross-checking it with his baseball schedule. In addition to series in nearby cities, his parents had indicated which dates they could bring Brynn to Portland. Derek had marked all of these dates on the calendars. It worked out to about once a month that he would get to see her. Seeing it all laid out like that gave him a sense of peace and security that he wouldn’t be away from her for too long at a time.
Now he just needed Keely to agree. He watched her as she studied the sheet. He couldn’t read her expression.
“This is a lot of travel for her,” she said. “I don’t know how I feel about that.”
Derek bit his lip to keep from responding immediately. He drew in a long breath and then let it out slowly.
“It’s one weekend a month,” he said. “I don’t feel like I’m asking for too much here, Keely.”
“I know, but … I don’t know if I’m willing to let her out of my sight that often,” she said. “Can I think about it?”
“Sure, I guess,” he said. “When do you think you can give me an answer?”
He would have preferred to know right there and then, but he understood her need for time and consideration. Or at least he was trying to see it from her perspective.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I leave for Arizona in two days,” he said. “I’d prefer to know before I go.”
Behind in the Count: A Portland Pioneers Novel Page 7