“No, I get it … that is huge,” she said. “At least you have Reid though.”
“No doubt. I owe him so much,” he said. “He kept me from relapsing last year.”
“What do you mean? I thought you hadn’t touched anything in a long time,” Zella said.
“I haven’t … but I almost did,” Derek said. “Last year, when I found out Keely was seeing someone new, I went to the hotel bar and ordered a drink. Reid found me and talked me out of it. He didn’t take the drink away or lecture me. He just talked me through making my own decision to walk away, and I did. Thanks to Reid. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
“You’d find a way,” she said, squeezing his hand. “You’re strong, Derek.”
“So are you,” he said. “Thanks for telling me about Aric.”
“I haven’t talked to anyone about him. I mean, except a therapist,” she said. “But my parents never talk about him. I hadn’t heard them say his name in so long until they found out about us. It’s like they’ve forgotten about him except I know they haven’t. Obviously. That’s why they have such a problem with you … and what’s going on between us.”
“So that’s why they don’t like me?” he asked.
“They’re just afraid I’ll get hurt,” she said.
“And you don’t think they’ll get over it?” he asked.
Zella shook her head. “They’re pretty set on it. They won’t come for my birthday. They won’t even speak to me unless I break up with you.”
“And you are, aren’t you?” he asked.
She didn’t answer for several moments.
“Zella,” he said. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“I have to,” she said. “I’m all they have left. I can’t do this to them.”
“So this is really it?” he asked. “We’re done?”
She bit her lip and nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Derek. I really am.”
He pulled his hand away and stood up. “I guess I’ll go then.”
“That’s probably best,” she said softly.
He couldn’t believe this. After she told him the heartbreaking story about her brother. After he gave her a look at his own battle with addiction. After all that, she still wanted to end it. She still didn’t want to be with him. He could understand why her parents would have reservations about him, but he wished they would get to know him a little more so they’d see he wasn’t a risk. They’d see he was better. They’d see how much he loved their daughter. Even if he’d never said that to her. He wondered now if he should have. But it was too late. They were done.
He got to the door and looked back at her. But she wouldn’t lift her head to look at him.
Zella looked down at her lap, studying her hand and listening to his steps as he walked to the door. He seemed to pause for a moment and she wondered if he was about to change his mind. Not that it would matter. They were over. Her parents had made it clear how they felt about this relationship. And Zella couldn’t do it. She couldn’t put them through another stretch of worrying about one of their children. She had to let go of Derek, even though it felt like her heart was being yanked out of her body and dragged along behind him as he left.
He didn’t slam the door but he might as well have. She still jumped when she heard him leave. She still felt the finality of it.
Her tiny apartment suddenly felt cavernous. Sounds from the street below filtered in between her sniffles. She sat in the chair, unmoving, for a long time. She just let herself cry. This time it was a calm affair, a sharp contrast to the big sobbing ugly cry had occurred after the fight with her parents. She tried not to analyze what that meant.
When she finally uncurled and stood, she struggled to walk the few feet to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, she saw her tear-streaked red face. She looked away quickly and retrieved an unopened box of tissues from her linen closet. Without another glance at her reflection, she shut off the light and went to the kitchen. She pulled out a bottle of wine and opened it. Foregoing glassware, she carried the wine to the living room and curled up in the chair again. After downing half the bottle, she realized the absurdity of her action and dumped the rest down the drain. This was not her usual form of therapy. Plus, getting drunk was not the best coping strategy considering the reason for her breakup. And ultimately she knew it wouldn’t help anyway.
She turned on the TV in time to catch the last few innings of the Pioneers game. The camera panned to Derek once toward the end of the game, indicating he would be starting the next game in the series. The sight of him was painful. He was sitting alone at the end of the bench and he looked miserable. She hated that she was the cause of it and hoped it wouldn’t have an effect on his start. Maybe she should have waited to break up with him or ended things sooner. But selfishly, she’d wanted a little more time with him. She hadn’t intended to break it off that morning. But when he started talking about birthday plans and she couldn’t commit, she knew she couldn’t keep pretending nothing was wrong.
Seeing him so morose, Zella turned off the TV and went to bed, too upset to care about the outcome of the Pioneers’ game. Even though it’d only been a few hours since Derek walked out the door, she already missed him. She quickly realized this was likely the only way she would continue seeing him – through a TV screen. They would undoubtedly run into each other around the ballpark, but Zella planned to do whatever she could to make sure those occasions were infrequent.
For the first time since she became a Pioneers fan, Zella missed a Derek Beaman start on Sunday. She didn’t go to the ballpark, and she didn’t turn on the TV. She just couldn’t bear to watch, but the notifications on her phone indicated he was doing fine. He wasn’t quite as sharp as he’d been on Tuesday – allowing three runs and only striking out four – but he still notched a quality start and got a win. She decided maybe their breakup hadn’t broken him. It’d been a bit egotistical of her to think it would.
She returned to work bright and early on Monday and hoped business as usual would help distract her. Wearing one of her favorite skirt suits and doing her makeup and hair helped lift her spirits a little. The rest of her mood was improvised. She fully believed in the “fake it ‘til you make it” mantra. She’d used it many times over the years, and so far it hadn’t let her down. The nature of her job made it tough though. Everyone in the front office was talking about Derek. Even though they weren’t talking to Zella, the mention of his name still found its way into her ears, creating a stab of pain in her gut. Baseball, which had once been her refuge from everything else in life, was suddenly a source of pain. A reminder of what she’d had and given up.
“I was surprised not to see you at the game yesterday,” Kate said as she arrived for work.
“I wasn’t feeling well,” Zella said.
“That’s too bad,” Kate said. “I think Derek could have used your smiling face in the stands.”
Clearly she didn’t know about the breakup and Zella wasn’t going to enlighten her.
“He did fine,” Zella said.
“He worked through it, but he looked pretty rough,” Kate said. “I hope you’re feeling better.”
Zella nodded and was relieved when Kate went into her office. She didn’t want to talk about Derek. Or hear about him. She put in one of her ear buds, attempting to block out the continuing discussion of the Pioneers’ pitcher. Keeping her head down, Zella managed to have one of her most productive days in a long time. Even though the phones rang as frequently as always, Zella still got a lot done. Shortly after five, Zella left and headed for the gym, seeking a good workout to end her day on a good note. Fortunately, Ms. Marks was in a conference call, so Zella didn’t have to explain why she wasn’t going to the game again that evening.
When she got home from the gym, sweaty and feeling slightly better, she was surprised to find someone standing outside her apartment door. The person was definitely female and had long wavy hair, so it wasn’t Derek. As she got closer
, she saw the person was holding a baby. She quickly recognized the figure as Erika Slater.
“Hi,” Zella said as she approached, trying to sound light. “What are you doing here?”
“I haven’t seen you in a while,” Erika said. “I looked for you at the game yesterday.”
“I wasn’t feeling well,” Zella said, sticking to her excuse.
“Can I come in for a few minutes?” Erika said. “Some adult interaction would be nice. Camden isn’t much of a conversationalist yet.”
“Sure,” Zella said, unlocking her door. But she wasn’t at all sure about this.
Once inside, Zella got rid of her coat and purse while Erika settled the baby on the floor with some toys.
“Ok, so I’m really here because I wanted to check on you,” Erika said. “I heard about you and Derek.”
“Oh, well … I’m fine,” Zella said. “I’m sure he is too.”
Erika studied her for a few moments.
“He says he’s fine, but I think you’re both lying,” Erika said. “And I still don’t know why you broke up. What happened?”
“It just wasn’t working,” Zella said, shaking her head.
“That’s what Derek told Carson too, but I’m not buying it,” Erika said. “I heard the way you talked about him. Saw the way he looked at you. It was working.”
“We were only together a month, and he was gone for most of that,” Zella said. “I just realized it was too difficult.”
“I told you dating a ballplayer is hard, but you seemed fine with it,” Erika said.
“I was at first, but … then I wasn’t,” Zella said.
“He’s back now though,” Erika said. “You’ll see him more. It’ll get easier.”
“No, it won’t,” Zella said, shaking her head. “He still has a lot of road trips, and I just don’t think I can deal.”
For some reason, she was willing to let Erika believe she broke up with Derek because of his schedule. Even if it made her look heartless and selfish, it was still better than explaining her true motive.
“He’s miserable without you,” Erika said. “Carson said he’s never seen him like this. Not even when his ex announced she was getting remarried. That was bad. This is worse.”
Zella remembered his story about that. He had nearly relapsed, but Reid had talked him out of it. She had a hard time imagining Derek would be more upset about their breakup than Keely’s engagement. Kelly was probably just being dramatic, but Zella was still a little concerned.
“He’s not in trouble, is he?” she asked.
“Carson doesn’t think he’s had anything to drink, but he and Reid are keeping a pretty close eye on him,” Kelly said. “Between baseball and his upcoming visitation hearing, he cannot afford to have a slip-up now.”
Zella felt a pang of guilt. She closed her eyes and prayed he wouldn’t relapse. He had too much at stake, and she certainly didn’t want him to prove her parents right.
“Derek’s strong. He’ll be fine,” Zella said.
“I hope you’re right,” Erika said.
Camden started to fuss, so Erika scooped him up. Zella turned on the TV and the girls watched the game together for a while. Erika left the topic of Derek alone until she was packing up to leave.
“I really hope you change your mind about him,” Erika said. “I can tell you still love him, and I know he loves you.”
“We never said that to each other,” Zella said.
“That doesn’t mean it isn’t true,” Erika said. “And since you didn’t deny it, you just confirmed it.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Zella said.
“Keep telling yourself that and let me know how it works out,” Erika said.
Her tone was harsh, but Zella knew she deserved it. Erika’s loyalty to Derek superseded the new friendship between the girls. As she closed the door behind Erika, Zella was sure she wouldn’t see her much after this. It was disappointing, but she understood.
Zella managed to dodge Kate Marks’ questions about her absence at games for the next few days. It probably helped that she opted to attend Thursday afternoon’s series finale with the Athletics. She knew Derek would be gone, so she would be able to enjoy the game without worrying about seeing him or him seeing her.
She sat in her usual seat beside the GM and splurged on some loaded fries. A few extra calories on her birthday were allowed. And they would likely be her only celebration. She still hadn’t informed her parents about her split with Derek, so naturally they hadn’t indicated any plans to come see her. For the first time in her life, Zella would be alone on her birthday. Well, as alone as someone could be in a ballpark. It should have been her favorite birthday ever – watching baseball and getting paid to do it. Instead, she felt dejected, thinking about the three people she’d rather be spending the day with and knowing she could never have all of them. She ate her feelings in the form of fries, cheese, bacon, and sour cream, hoping the game would provide some entertainment and distraction. Zach Sutter was certainly trying, putting up solid innings and making quick work of the Oakland offense.
“I didn’t know it was your birthday,” Kate said suddenly, bringing Zella out of her thoughts.
“What?” Zella asked.
Kate pointed to the video board and Zella looked up. There, in big letters were the words, “Happy birthday, Zella! I hope it’s your best yet. – D.” Next to the words was a picture of her and Derek. It was the one her mother had taken of them together during the ballpark tour.
A wave of sadness rushed over her. She wondered if he had arranged that before or after the breakup. Either way, it struck her the same. She felt her stomach turn and she was afraid her fries might be coming back up.
“Excuse me,” she murmured, standing up.
“Where are you going?” Kate asked.
Zella didn’t answer. She was afraid to open her mouth as she made her way through the people to the aisle and then quickly up the stairs to the nearest bathroom. Luckily, there was no line for the ladies room, and she made it to a stall before her fears came to fruition. When her stomach seemed empty enough, she flushed the toilet and sat down on the cold cement floor, putting her face in her hands.
“Zella? Are you OK?”
It was Kate Marks’ voice, and Zella looked over, noticing a set of legs outside her stall. She recognized the shoes as belonging to the owner of the voice.
“Yeah, I should be now,” Zella said.
“I’m going to get you a bottle of water, I’ll be right back,” Kate said.
Zella knew she couldn’t hide in the stall forever. She pushed herself up off the floor and brushed off her jeans. She opened the door and headed for the sink to wash her hands and rinse out her mouth. True to her word, Kate appeared a few moments later, handing her a fresh bottle of water.
“Are you sure you’re OK?” Kate asked her.
“I’m fine. I guess something just didn’t agree with me,” Zella said.
“Bad timing,” Kate said. “That was a sweet gesture by Derek. I didn’t know he was so into public displays.”
“I didn’t either,” Zella said.
She never suspected he would do something like that – even when they were together.
“You certainly looked surprised,” Kate said. “And a little sad. Is it because he’s not here?”
“No, that’s not it,” Zella said.
“What’s going on?” Kate asked.
Zella looked around. The restroom was mostly empty, but someone could walk in at any moment.
“This isn’t a good place to talk about it,” she said.
“Then let’s go somewhere more private,” Kate answered.
Without argument, Zella followed Kate to the security elevator and rode downstairs with her. There would be no one down there during the game.
“Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant,” Kate said as soon as they were settled in the empty press room.
“No, it’s not that,” Zella said, although she co
uld understand her boss’ assumption.
“So what’s going on?”
“Derek and I broke up.”
“When?”
“Last Saturday.”
Kate frowned and then a note of realization hit her face.
“Well, that explains Sunday, I guess. And why Reid has been spending so much time with him,” she said. “What happened?”
Zella took another sip of water and looked down at her hands.
“Come on, Zella, you can tell me,” Kate said. “Did he hurt you?”
“No, he would never do that,” Zella said quickly.
“Then why did you break up?” Kate asked.
“My parents didn’t want me with him,” Zella said.
“I don’t understand,” Kate said, shaking her head. “They spoke so fondly of him during their Opening Day visit. I thought they liked him.”
“They like him as a player, but they don’t like the idea of us together,” Zella said.
She went on to tell Kate about her brother, making her only the second person outside of a therapist with whom Zella had ever shared Aric. She described the way her parents shut down after Aric’s death and how he only came up again when Derek came into the picture. She explained her parents’ fears and their withdrawal. She didn’t know when she started crying, but her face was soaked with tears by the end of her story.
“Even though I think they’re wrong about Derek, I had to end it,” Zella said. “They’ve already lost one child. I couldn’t let them lose me too.”
“And do they care how hurt you are over this?” Kate asked.
“They don’t know yet that I broke up with him,” Zella said.
“If you broke up with him for them, what’s the point in them not knowing?” Kate asked.
“I don’t want to let them know they won,” Zella said.
“But they did anyway,” Kate said. “It’s cost you either way.”
“I know,” Zella said softly.
“It cost him too.”
The masculine voice startled Zella and she turned, surprised to see Reid Benjamin standing in the doorway.
“Reid, you should be in the dugout,” Kate said sternly.
Behind in the Count: A Portland Pioneers Novel Page 18