“Did they?” Derek asked. “I know I’m better. You know I’m better. But they don’t know me well enough to know that. And you and I are both aware that there are no guarantees I’ll always stay sober.”
“Wrong. The guarantee that you stay sober is sleeping inside the house right now,” Mike said. “Brynn is keeping you on the straight and narrow. And even though I’m not a fan of her mother right now, I’m grateful for that little girl.”
“I am too,” Derek said. “But I could still slip up. I did it once before … even after she was born.”
“That was a long time ago. You were a different guy then,” Mike said. “I see you now. The guy who wants more than anything to be a dad. You left the team to be here for this hearing.”
“Of course, I did,” Derek said.
“And you missed a start, correct?” Mike asked.
“Yeah, so?” Derek said.
“When you started recovering, baseball was your motivation. You wanted to be in that game more than anything,” Mike said. “And today, you left baseball because you want to be a father more than anything. You’re no longer the guy who’s going to give those things up for drugs. I thought you saw that, Derek.”
“I do, but I can’t blame Zella’s parents if they don’t,” Derek said. “When they look at me, all they see is an addict.”
“And since when did you start letting other people decide who you are?” Mike asked. “You’ve had plenty of critics these past few years, and you proved them wrong. Why can’t you do the same with Zella’s parents?”
“Because I can’t put Zella through that,” Derek said. “They practically disowned her over me. I can’t let her choose me over her family. Not when I know what they’ve already lost. I had to walk away.”
“They’re the ones who made her choose,” Mike said. “Without even really giving you a chance.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Derek asked.
“Fight for her,” Mike said. “It sounds to me like you rolled over and gave up. That’s not the Derek I know.”
“Yeah, well some battles can’t be won,” Derek said.
“Only if you decide you don’t want to win them,” Mike said.
Derek wasn’t far from Zella’s mind on Friday morning.
She knew it was an important day for him. During their time together, he’d talked openly about Brynn and his upcoming battle for more visitation time. From what he’d shared with her, she thought his request was reasonable. She hoped a judge thought so too and awarded him some extra time with his daughter.
Reid’s unexpected visit to the executive offices only compounded matters. Seeing him reminded Zella of his lecture the previous day. He was still icy to her as he requested to see Kate. He didn’t have an appointment, but even with a full day of meetings and conference calls, Kate didn’t hesitate when Zella told her Reid was there.
Zella wasn’t terribly surprised by this given her newly acquired knowledge of the complicated history between Kate and Reid, thanks to a conversation fueled by sugar and alcohol the previous night. Kate had insisted Zella should have birthday cake and wine, which led to a long night of girl talk, which led to Kate spilling some tales about her past with Reid. Lots of them. Zella was honestly impressed the two of them could interact professionally and civilly after all they’d been through. It was clear to Zella that Kate still cared a great deal about Reid. There were even moments Zella wondered if she still loved him, but she didn’t dare ask. Kate had shared enough. Zella decided not to even try and pull more than Kate was willing to offer.
She didn’t know if it was on purpose or not, but Reid left the door open when he went into the GM’s office. Zella overheard every word as he filled Kate in on the court decision Derek received that morning. As she listened, her heart broke a little more for Derek. She knew how badly he’d wanted more time with Brynn, but by Reid’s account, Derek’s ex had gotten her way. Zella’s first instinct was to text Derek and see if he was OK, but she decided against it. She couldn’t open that door if she wasn’t fully prepared to be there for him. And she wasn’t. She couldn’t be. As badly as she wanted to be the one to comfort him and support him, she’d given up that role. She’d have to leave those duties to his family and friends.
Friends like Reid, who now seemed to be campaigning with Kate to let him sit out Sunday’s game so he could tend to Derek.
“I want to fly to Oklahoma early Sunday morning to spend some time with him and see where his head is,” Reid said. “We’ll both meet the team in Kansas City on Monday.”
“Are you sure you want to give up a start?” Kate asked. “Your bat is hot right now. I know how superstitious you are about skipping a game when you’re on a streak.”
“I know, but … I’m worried about him,” Reid said. “On the phone he tells me he’s fine, but I want to see it for myself. With everything that’s happened to him in the last week, I want to make sure he’s really OK.”
In that moment, Zella was certain Reid meant to leave the door open. He wanted her to know that she had contributed to Derek’s terrible week and potentially volatile emotional state. And he got what he wanted. Zella felt awful about her role in Derek’s string of bad news.
“Fine,” Kate said. “I’ll make flight arrangements for both of you out of Oklahoma City, but your flight there is all on you.”
“Not a problem,” Reid said. “Thanks, Kate.”
“You’re welcome. Let me know how he’s doing,” Kate said. “I’m worried about him too.”
“Are you ready to admit you have a soft spot for Derek?” Reid asked.
“I care about all of my players,” Kate said. “But after last year, the way you two bonded, yeah, Derek’s special. But don’t tell the others that.”
Reid laughed. “No worries. You know I can keep secrets, Katie.”
“Reid,” Kate said in a warning tone.
“Sorry. Kate,” Reid said, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice.
Reid passed Zella’s desk without a word. He did glance at her once though, and Zella was pretty sure he was trying to ascertain whether or not she had overheard the discussion. She tried to keep a poker face, but she wasn’t sure she was successful.
As she was getting ready to leave for the day, security called to tell Zella she had visitors.
“Who?” she asked.
“They say they’re your parents,” the officer said.
Zella blinked a few times. “OK. I’ll be right down.”
“Did I hear that right?” Kate shouted from her office. “Your parents are here?”
“I guess so. It’d be weird if someone was posing as my parents,” Zella said. “I thought they said they weren’t coming.”
“Maybe they changed their minds,” Kate said. “About a few things.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Zella said, but she knew better than to hope for too much.
She gathered her things and headed downstairs to find out. Sure enough, when she reached the main level, Arnold and Cheryl were standing there.
“What are you guys doing here?” she asked them.
“We came for your birthday of course,” Cheryl said.
“But Dad said you weren’t coming as long as I …,” Zella said.
“I know what I said, and I haven’t changed my mind about that, but you’re still our daughter,” Arnold said.
“We wouldn’t miss your birthday for anything,” Cheryl said. “Are you ready to go to dinner before the game?”
“Sure,” Zella said, still a little shell-shocked. “We can go to the restaurant here at the ballpark so you don’t have to park again.”
“Perfect,” Cheryl said.
Ten minutes later, they were seated next to the windows overlooking right field. Zella looked out at the diamond, watching as some of the players stretched and took fielding drills. First pitch was just a few hours away, so game prep was in full swing. She’d always enjoyed watching the warm-ups, and tonight she was thankful to have something
to focus on that wasn’t her parents. While she was glad they came, she was still angry with them and hurt by their ultimatum.
“You’re pretty quiet tonight,” Cheryl said.
“It’s been a long week,” Zella said.
“Oh yeah, games every day will do that,” Arnold said.
“Yep,” Zella said.
I also broke up with an amazing guy because you guys hated him, and I’ve spent almost every night crying about it. Oh, and I feel terrible for breaking his heart too.
But she didn’t say any of that.
She didn’t say much of anything, really. Her parents kept trying to make conversation throughout dinner and the game, but her answers were brief. She just didn’t have a lot to say to them. She had ended things with Derek to preserve her relationship with her parents, but it had never been this strained. Not even after Aric died. That period had just been very sad. This was tense and angry.
After the game, they went to Zella’s apartment, which was a bit of a mess. She hadn’t bothered to stay tidy during the week.
“I didn’t know you were coming, so I didn’t really clean up,” she explained. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll do the best I can.”
Her father sat down on the couch and turned on the TV but Cheryl followed Zella into the kitchen.
“Are you OK, Zell?” she asked. “You don’t seem like yourself.”
“Can you blame me, Mom?” Zella asked. “After some of the things you two said to me?”
“We’re just trying to protect you, honey,” Cheryl said. “Keep you from getting hurt.”
“Yeah, and does it look like you succeeded?” Zella asked. “Do I seem happy?”
“Well, no,” Cheryl said.
“But at least I broke up with Derek, right?” Zella said. “At least you got what you wanted, right?”
“I didn’t know you …,” Cheryl said.
“Of course you didn’t know,” Zella said. “And I didn’t do it because I agreed with you. I don’t. Derek is an amazing man, but I had to let him go because I couldn’t stand to be the second child you lost.”
“Oh Zella …,” Cheryl said, taking a few steps forward as though she wanted to hug her daughter.
“Don’t. Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. Don’t pretend you care about how I feel about this,” Zella warned. “Congratulations, you got to keep your daughter ‘safe,’ but don’t pretend for a moment that you kept me from getting hurt. He never would have hurt me like this. He never would have made me choose.”
“You don’t know that, Zella,” Cheryl said. “You weren’t with him long enough to know that for sure …”
“I know I was in love with him, and I’m pretty sure he loved me too,” Zella said. “But it doesn’t really matter now. He’s gone, and all of his friends hate me too. So you got what you wanted. I hope you’re happy.”
“Zella ….” Cheryl said.
“Save it. I’m done,” Zella said.
She stomped past her father, who was standing in the doorway. As she retreated into her bedroom, Zella didn’t care if she looked like a petulant child. She didn’t care about cleaning up. She didn’t care about playing hostess. She couldn’t bear to look at her parents or talk to them right now. And if she stayed out there much longer in her sleep-deprived and emotionally-wrought state, she knew she’d say things she couldn’t take back.
For the first time in nearly a week, Zella slept through the night. Maybe her body had finally given in to exhaustion. Or maybe yelling at her mother was the release she needed. Either way, Zella was surprised when she woke to her alarm, which was set for eight on Saturdays. She felt groggy as she crawled out of bed, still wearing her clothes from the previous day, and made her way to the bathroom. She took a long shower and put on her robe before continuing out to the kitchen, where she found her parents sipping coffee at the tiny table in her kitchen. She’d been hoping to wake up and discover they’d already headed home. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case.
“Good morning,” Cheryl said.
There was a tentative note in her greeting.
“Good morning,” Zella said flatly.
She grabbed her favorite mug and poured some coffee for herself, adding a tiny bit of half and half. She lingered near the coffeemaker, not interested in making conversation with her parents.
“Zella, can we talk?” Cheryl asked.
“I don’t see the point,” Zella said. “You guys have said what you wanted. I said what I needed. It’s over.”
“I don’t want to leave things like this,” Cheryl said.
“I still love both of you,” Zella said. “But right now, I’m hurt and angry. I don’t think talking would be good for any of us.”
“Very well then,” Arnold said gruffly. “We’ll get out of your way shortly.”
“Sounds good to me,” Zella said, walking past them and returning to her bedroom to get dressed for the day.
She didn’t plan to go anywhere, so she chose yoga pants and a Pioneers shirt. She dried her hair a little and put some moisturizer on her face, hoping it would help ease the redness from all the crying.
When she re-emerged, her parents were standing there, clearly waiting to say goodbye. They uttered a few non-committal phrases as she walked them to the door. As they stepped out, she gave each of them a brief hug. Even though she was mad, she still cared about them. Her mother held her a little longer than she wanted, but her father remained gruff and a bit distant.
“Drive safely and let me know when you make it home,” Zella said.
Cheryl looked at Zella for a few moments, almost as if she wanted to say something, but Arnold’s departure was as swift as his legs would take him. Cheryl followed, glancing over her shoulder at her daughter a few times as they made their way down the hallway. Once they were out of sight, Zella closed the door and exhaled. Walking back into the kitchen, she noticed everything was cleaner than it had been the previous night. Her mother’s work, probably. Her way of apologizing and trying to extend an olive branch. But Zella wasn’t interested in that. Not yet.
Derek was playing on the floor with Brynn when Mike walked into the house. He figured his brother would come over for a few more hours with Brynn before Keely picked her up. He did a double take when he saw Reid enter the living room behind Mike.
“I found this guy wandering around the airport and thought I’d take pity on him,” Mike said.
Derek’s face went from surprised to confused.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I needed a day off. Figured I’d come to Oklahoma,” Reid said.
“That makes zero sense,” Derek replied.
“With everything you’ve been through the past week or so, I wanted to check on you,” Reid said.
“Seriously? I told you I was fine,” Derek said.
He should probably be flattered his friend had skipped a start and traveled to see him. Instead, he was a irritated. Here was Reid, again thinking he needed a babysitter. His focus was back on Brynn now, so he didn’t see the look Mike and Reid exchanged.
Mike disappeared into the kitchen and Reid crouched down beside Derek and Brynn on the floor. Brynn looked up at him for several moments and then broke out in a grin.
“That’s right. You remember your Uncle Reid,” he said, reaching over to tickle her cheek.
Brynn giggled and handed him a block, seemingly inviting him to play.
“At least someone’s happy to see me,” Reid said, sitting down and making himself comfortable.
“Why are you here, Reid? Did you expect to come here and find me on a bender or something?” Derek asked.
“Not at all,” Reid said. “I know that’s not you anymore.”
“So why did you feel the need to check on me?” Derek asked.
“Because you’re my best friend, and you’ve had a bad string of luck lately,” Reid said. “I wanted to see if you were sad or mad or whatever else.”
“I’m not any of those things
right now,” Derek said. “I’m just enjoying my time with Brynn. My limited time with her. I’m not going to waste any of it dwelling on a girl or that stupid judgment.”
“I can see that. And I think that’s good,” Reid said. “I think this weekend was probably good for you.”
“I needed it for sure,” Derek said, looking back at Brynn. “I just wish it wasn’t going to be two months before I see her again.”
“I know. That sucks,” Reid said. “I’m sorry, man. Kate is too. She wanted me to tell you she’ll write another letter and get one from every person on the staff if you need it.”
Derek smiled a little. “That’s awesome, but I don’t think it’ll help. The judge agreed that even though I’ve made steps, I still haven’t been around enough to know how to take care of her.”
“That’s bull …,” Reid cut himself off before finishing his curse.
“I know. I thought I made it clear that when I’m here with her, I’m the one taking care of her, not my parents. But it didn’t matter,” Derek said.
He sighed.
“Yet another consequence of my bad decisions in the past,” Derek said. “I’ll just always have a reputation that makes people believe the worst about me.”
He felt Reid looking at him, as if he was waiting for him to say more. He gave up the wait after only a few moments.
“We’re not just talking about the judge or Keely anymore, are we?” Reid asked.
Derek didn’t answer.
“Zella’s parents came to see her, by the way,” Reid said. “For her birthday.”
“Good,” Derek said. “I was a little worried she’d end up spending it alone.”
“Oh, I think she spent her actual birthday getting drunk with Kate,” Reid said, laughing.
“Really? Well, I’m glad she had fun,” Derek said.
“I don’t know about fun,” Reid said. “That’s the day I told her off, remember? She was already crying before I lit into her. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a happy birthday for her at all.”
“I still wish you hadn’t done that,” Derek said. “I don’t want her hurting.”
“She made that decision,” Reid said callously.
Behind in the Count: A Portland Pioneers Novel Page 20