“Your feelings for Zella run pretty deep. But you probably already knew that,” Dr. Olsen said.
“We were only together a month. They shouldn’t be that deep,” he said.
“That’s true, but your feelings for her didn’t start there,” Dr. Olsen said. “You fought them for a while before you finally asked her out, right?”
“Yeah,” Derek said, nodding.
“And she’s the first woman you’ve dated since your divorce, which is pretty significant,” Dr. Olsen said. “When we’ve talked about your relationships in the past, you made it clear that you don’t take them lightly. You were probably already in pretty deep by the time you asked Zella out.”
“You think so?” Derek asked.
“Do you disagree?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“No … that actually makes sense,” Derek said. “Zella is just so different from any other girl I’ve met. Even different than Keely, I’ve realized.”
“How so?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“When Keely and I met, we were young and thought life would always be fun and easy. But when things got hard, she bailed. Not that I blame her. It was the right thing for Brynn. But even now, she looks at me like I’m … below her and … still an addict,” Derek said. “Zella has never looked at me that way. Granted, she didn’t live through my worst days, but … she’s seen what addiction is and can be. She’s well aware of my past. But she still looks at me like she likes me and respects me. Even last night in the hospital, I could tell she still cares about me. She doesn’t look at me as just an addict, even though that’s all her parents see when they look at me. And they make sure she knows it.”
“Why do you think her parents do that?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“Because they’re scared,” Derek said. “They don’t want her to get hurt. I get it. I’d feel the same way if it was Brynn. I think that’s why I haven’t fought it harder, even though my brother thinks I should.”
“And why does he think that?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“He doesn’t like to see me give up on something I want,” Derek said.
“And he puts Zella in that category?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“I guess so. All he knows is what I’ve told him and what Reid’s told him, but Mike’s pretty good at reading me,” Derek said. “He always has been.”
“Well, he is your brother,” Dr. Olsen said.
“Right. He’s seen my worst and my best. He’s my biggest fan and my biggest reality check,” Derek said.
“That’s a good person to have in your corner,” Dr. Olsen said.
“I know. I’m lucky,” Derek said.
“So when it comes to his advice on Zella, what are you going to do?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“I don’t know. I honestly don’t feel like there’s anything I can do,” Derek said. “Especially if she’s dating someone else already.”
“Do you really think she is?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“I know she was upset after the breakup, so I can’t imagine her moving on that fast, but there’s no other explanation for this Alex guy,” Derek said.
“So are you prepared to move on and let her go?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“No, but I’m still trying to do it anyway because I have to,” Derek said. “If this is what she wants, then I’ll do it.”
“What about what you want?” Dr. Olsen asked.
“I just want her to be happy,” Derek said. “I know that sounds cliché and like a lie, but it’s the truth. I want her to be happy. I wish it was with me, but I’ll survive if it’s not.”
“It sounds like you have the right mantra going forward,” Dr. Olsen said.
She glanced at the clock. “We still have a few more minutes. Do you want to talk about Brynn or baseball at all?”
Derek thought for a few moments. “No. I think those situations are both about as settled as they can be.”
He laughed uncomfortably. “Maybe I was onto something when I was determined not to date. Life wasn’t as complicated then.”
Dr. Olsen said nothing for a few moments.
“Well, you’ve definitely made progress this past year,” she said. “When you first came here, you were very closed off. And I think there was a part of you that believed you were broken. But here you are, and you’ve put your life together. You not only let me in, but you’ve let others in. You’ve come a long way, Derek.”
Derek nodded. He felt a little better by the time he left her office. He went straight to the ballpark for a workout. It was an off-day, so he wasn’t surprised to see some of his teammates in the gym. They all nodded in acknowledgment at each other, but thankfully they all seemed focused on getting their work done. There wasn’t a lot of chatter, and most of it was related to the equipment or the next game. Derek was enjoying the break from talking about the drama of the last twenty-four hours. His teammates had certainly noticed when he grabbed his things and ran out of the clubhouse after the game. They probably also noticed he wasn’t on their flight back to Portland, but he was glad they didn’t feel the need to ask him about it. He’d done enough talking for a while. At the moment, he just wanted a good sweat.
He relied on that outlet for the next few days. He worked out and watched baseball. The Pioneers had found their winning mojo again and were taking care of the Tampa Bay Rays. Zella was still in the back of his mind – OK, she was smack dab in the middle of it – but he didn’t talk about her. And he definitely didn’t talk to her. He resisted the urge to text her, call her, and go see her. He overheard Ms. Marks tell Reid on Wednesday that Zella was at home now. Her parents had stayed the first two days, but then had to go back to their jobs. She was on her own now, but by all accounts she was healing. Derek remained tucked out of sight, taking in the details of the conversation.
“How about her memory?” Reid asked.
“She still has no recollection of what happened that night, but the other days have started to come back, so maybe soon she will,” Ms. Marks said. “How is Derek?”
“He’s fine,” Reid said. “Be sure you tell her that too.”
“I will,” Ms. Marks said. “If she asks.”
“She will,” Reid said.
Derek wasn’t so sure of that, but he did appreciate Reid taking up for him. And getting an update on Zella. He knew Reid was still not Zella’s biggest fan, so he wasn’t likely to be honestly curious about her recovery or her memory. He was asking for Derek.
“I’m not saying she doesn’t care. I’m just saying, I’m not going to bring him up,” Ms. Marks said. “Believe it or not, she was not happy about the breakup. And she’s still not over him.”
“So what was she doing with some other guy?” Reid asked.
“I don’t know,” Ms. Marks said. “But you, of all people, should know that’s not necessarily an indication that someone’s moved on.”
Reid fell silent. Ms. Marks sure knew how to shut him down. Derek wondered if there was anyone else in the world with that power.
It had been a long week for Zella. And a very isolating one. Well, at least after her parents left. She was appreciative of their care, but the ongoing judgment from her father was too much. Mostly because she didn’t have an answer for him regarding Alex. And she couldn’t stop remembering the way he’d looked at Derek. And the way Derek had stood up to him. That hadn’t made him any more popular with Arnold Hansen, but Cheryl seemed to have weakened her resolve a bit.
“It was very nice of Derek to come see you,” Cheryl said while her husband was gone, picking up groceries for Zella.
“It was,” Zella agreed. “I still can’t believe he came.”
“He cares about you,” Cheryl said.
“I know, but I broke up with him,” Zella said. “And he had to know you guys would be there and that he wouldn’t be welcomed with open arms.”
“That’s true,” Cheryl said. “I guess he cares more about you than what we think of him.”
“Maybe,” Zella said. “But it doesn’t change anything.”
<
br /> “What do you mean?” Cheryl asked.
“I still can’t be with him,” Zella said. “You saw the way Dad looked at him. Talked to him. Talked about him. Dad hates him.”
“He doesn’t hate Derek,” Cheryl said. “He hates what Derek represents.”
“What do you mean?” Zella asked.
“As much as I think there’s a little bit of him that worries Derek will relapse and hurt you in some way, I think the bigger issue is the idea that he won’t,” Cheryl said.
“I don’t get it,” Zella said.
“Derek is succeeding where Aric failed … where we failed,” Cheryl said. “We couldn’t help Aric get better. We tried everything, and it was never enough. Seeing Derek, I think, is a reminder to your father that beating addiction is possible.”
Zella frowned, still confused about where her mother was going with this.
“He’d rather believe it’s not possible. That Aric’s fate was an inevitable part of his disease. That would be easier to swallow,” Cheryl said.
“But it wasn’t his fault, Mom,” Zella said. “Or your fault. Or my fault. I’m not even sure it was Aric’s fault. But I argue with myself about that every now and then.”
Cheryl nodded and they exchanged a look of understanding. Zella wasn’t surprised. Though her parents hadn’t gone through any counseling, she had no doubt they fought the same inner regrets regarding Aric’s death.
“Derek is a recovering addict, and he’ll never deny that,” Zella said. “His battle has helped make him who he is, but he’s more than that. I wish you and Dad could see that in him.”
“I know. I’m trying,” Cheryl said. “I see now how much he means to you. I saw it after your outburst the last time we visited. He really is special to you.”
“He is,” Zella said, nodding. “I’m still so in love with him. Seeing him at the hospital last night was both the best and worst thing and the world. I missed him, but it also hurt to have him there and not be able to be with him.”
“I’ll keep working on your father,” Cheryl said. “But you know how stubborn he is.”
Zella laughed a little. “Unfortunately, I think I got that from him.”
“It can be a good and bad thing,” Cheryl said. “It depends on how you use it.”
After her parents left, Zella quarantined herself in her apartment, watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix and trying to sort out what had happened. Why had she been with Alex? Why was he at her apartment complex? And why did she feel guilty about it despite having no memories of it? There was another feeling there too, but she couldn’t quite pinpoint it.
On Friday morning, one of her neighbors stopped by to check on her. She introduced herself as Amber, and Zella recognized her as the resident from three doors down. She perked up when Amber mentioned she’d seen Zella sitting with Alex on the bench outside the building on Saturday night.
“I’d just gotten off work, and I worked a double, so I was super tired,” Amber said. “Something seemed off with you and that guy, but I was too beat to care.”
“What exactly were we doing when you saw us?” Zella asked.
“He had his arm around you and kept trying to pull you to him, but you pushed him away,” Amber said. “I saw him kiss you too, and you were fighting it. I almost said something, but you moved away from him. I figured you could handle it.”
“What happened next?” Zella asked.
“I looked out my window once I got upstairs, but I couldn’t see you. Too close to the building, I guess,” Amber said. “I took a shower, and by the time I got out, there was an ambulance out there.”
Zella blinked as she listened to Amber’s words, trying to will her memory to fill in the other blanks. But everything was still hazy.
“I wish I’d said something. Maybe walked you inside,” Amber said. “I’m so sorry. I don’t even know you, but you always seemed nice. And there was just something off that night. I should have listened to my gut.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Zella said.
“I’ve felt terrible about it ever since,” Amber said. “I feel like I should have helped you.”
“Please don’t,” Zella said. “You’re helping me now. I lost my memory of that night. Maybe the things you’re telling me will help me remember.”
“I hope so,” Amber said. “Let me know if you need anything.”
Zella nodded and closed the door. She sat down, replaying the information Amber had just given her. She didn’t want to, but she tried to recall Alex kissing her. A flash did come back after a bit, and they kept coming. He’d caught her off-guard and while she was still confused, he tried to push his tongue into her mouth. She pushed him away, but he tried again. Then he accused her of teasing him. He admitted he hadn’t really called a cab and instead expected to sleep with her. She backed away from him, ready to go inside and leave him to wait for his ride. And that’s when she fell.
It made a little more sense now. At least she knew why she’d fallen. She still didn’t know why he had come home with her though.
She texted Ashley. “Did I invite Alex back to my place?”
“No. He said he was going to drive you home so you wouldn’t have to leave your car downtown,” Ashley sent back.
“And I agreed to this?” Zella asked.
“You weren’t thrilled about it, but you let him,” Ashley sent back.
“Did I seem coherent?” Zella asked.
“You’d been acting a little weird all night. Not in a bad way. But you just were more subdued than usual,” Ashley said.
“But was I super drunk when we left?” Zella asked.
“Not at all. You said you were too buzzed to drive, but you weren’t wasted,” Ashley said.
“Thanks,” Zella sent back.
“Of course. Let’s get together soon,” Ashley said.
Zella put down her phone and frowned, still piecing together all the information. Alex had told the hospital staff that she fell down because she was drunk, but Ashley had just confirmed Zella was buzzed at most. It didn’t add up.
She had no way of contacting Alex to confront him either. Not that she wanted to. She wanted nothing to do with him ever again.
But at least now she felt less guilty about what had happened. Her biggest mistake had been trusting Alex. She should have taken a cab or asked Ashley and Wes to drive her home. She never should have given her keys to Alex and been alone with him. Lesson learned. She also decided to cut way back on drinking in places where she didn’t have a safe ride home.
Zella was surprised and happy to see Kate Marks at her door on Friday evening. She readily let her boss into her apartment, especially since she was armed with takeout from Zella’s favorite Thai place and two large lemonades.
“I figured you’d subsisted on takeout all week, and I know for a fact that your favorite place doesn’t deliver,” Kate said as she dished up their food. “Plus, I wanted to see for myself how you are. Sorry it took me so long to get here.”
“It’s fine. I wasn’t really in the mood for company until today anyway,” Zella said.
“I can understand that,” Kate said.
The women settled on the couch and dug in to the curry and rice. For several moments, they just enjoyed the food in silence.
“The team’s doing well,” Zella said. “The Kansas City series ended with a sputter, but they seem to have found their spark again.”
“Agreed,” Kate said. “Something turned around for them in Minnesota. I’m sure there will be more slumps like the one they had in Kansas City, but it’s encouraging to see them bounce back.”
“They’re a team of fighters,” Zella said. “Guys who don’t give up. I mean, look at Derek and Reid. Even Carson. They’re all guys who have battled to get where they are. I mean, every athlete has, but their battles have been tougher.”
Kate was thoughtful for a few minutes.
“I never looked at it that way,” Kate said. “And I certainly didn’t consider i
t when I was assembling the roster, but you raise a really interesting point. Take Mitchell Austin. He had cancer when he was a kid. And Luis Tapañes had a lot of visa issues getting to the States.”
“Yep,” Zella said. “You have a team of guys who don’t give up.”
“Speaking of Derek,” Kate ventured. “Are you up for watching him pitch tonight?”
Zella hesitated for a moment. “I think so. I haven’t watched one of his starts in a while. It’s probably time.”
“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to,” Kate said.
“No, I want to,” Zella said. “I want to see how he’s doing.”
She reached for the remote and flipped through the channels until she found the Pioneers’ game. Derek’s face was there on the screen next to a chart featuring his season stats along with his line from the last game. Zella didn’t really absorb the numbers though. She couldn’t take her eyes away from Derek. Most players opted for a stoic, almost angry expression in their publicity photo. Not Derek. His brown eyes were bright with confidence and pride, and his lips were parted in a casual but friendly smile. Before going to break, there was a live shot of Derek warming up in the Pioneers’ bullpen.
“Last weekend’s start against the Twins was so good,” Kate said. “I haven’t seen him that focused in … well, since spring training.”
“That’s good,” Zella said. “I’m happy for him.”
It was the truth. She was happy for Derek. She wanted him to be successful. But she wondered if his baseball focus meant he’d moved on from their breakup. That was a bittersweet thought. She had been the one to let Derek go. She couldn’t fault him for moving on.
As the game started, she saw Kate was telling the truth about Derek’s pitching performance. He was laser focused and his command was sharp. The Athletics had a strong offense, but they were struggling to figure him out. He retired the first twelve batters he faced. When they showed him in the dugout, he was sitting at the end of the bench. Carson Slater was the closest one to him, but there was enough room for at least two other players between them. They were giving him space, afraid to mess with whatever mojo he had going.
Behind in the Count: A Portland Pioneers Novel Page 23