Breathe

by Ani San

  ‘No, its fine. I’ll come by later. After.’

  We said goodbye to each other, and I could get back to my sketching. His voice had inspired me, and I knew now what I wanted to create.

  Around half past two Frank buzzed up and told me Alice and her friends were here. I was still working in my studio, and was whipping off charcoal on my fingers as I opened the door. Alice came first, and she hugged me as she walked past to hang her jacket. Tommy came next, carrying several shopping bags Harrods. The hallway got crowded, so I asked them to follow me into the living room.

  Alice introduced me.

  ‘Sara, you remember Tommy, don’t you?’

  I nodded, and shook his hand gently. He was tall and handsome, with dark brown hair reaching his shoulders. His face features were masculine, and he had huge poppy dog eyes that could melt your heart. His smile reminded me of Alice, and I felt completely relaxed by his present.

  ‘Nice to meet you again, Tommy.’ I smiled back, before looking past him to his girlfriend, who was standing looking around at my apartment. It was something familiar about her. She too was tall, and she had long blond hair with soft curls at the edges. She was wearing a fitted navy jumpsuit in knee length, with a vulgar low v-cut in the front. She had sunglasses in her hair, and big silver earrings. Her appearance made me think of the label high-class bimbo. At first, I thought maybe it was someone I went to school with a long time ago, but I quickly discarded that opinion. This was clearly someone with money, and not someone who grew up in my old small town.

  ‘And this is Sandra,’ Alice continued, and the blond shifted her attention over to me. I was frozen. As soon as she turned around, I knew why she looked so familiar. I knew her. No, I didn’t know her, but I knew of her. She was in the picture my mother left me.

  ‘Hey, Sara, is it?’ She reached for my hand, but hesitated when I didn’t give her mine. I got a grip of myself, and shook her hand briefly before letting go. My mind was twirling, jumping from one thought to another. Did she know we were half sisters? Did she even know about me? She has the same nose that I do. And the same face shape. I wondered what her real hair colour was. I’ve only seen her as a blond, but up close I could see the colour weren’t real. Why was she here? Was it a coincident, or did she have an alternate motive? Did her father, our father, know where she was? I doubted that. I knew he didn’t want me to have anything to do with his family. She was so beautiful. Why didn’t I get that gene? She was waiting for me to answer something, but I didn’t remember what.

  She broke the silence first. ‘I’m Sofie Alexandra, but everybody calls me Sandra. It’s nice to meet you.’ Her accent was auditable, and her voice soft. ‘I’m sorry if I seemed curious at your apartment. You see, I’ve been here before, the last time a couple of years ago. We used to stay here when we visited London. Isn’t that a funny coincident?’

  ‘Not really’ Alice intervened. ‘Alfred got her this place, it belongs to Bradford and Benner.’

  ‘Really? You know Alfred Garden?’ She asked, watching me with curious eyes.

  ‘He’s her lawyer. You can talk about that later’ Alice said, and took some bags to the table. ‘I’m starving. Can you grab some plates and forks, Sara?’

  I was glad for an excuse to get out of there, and scrambled to the kitchen. I didn’t know what to do. Should I call Alfred? Since the incident in Oslo, he had warned me to keep my distance. But this wasn’t my fault. Should I tell her? Should I ask them to leave? Why did I invite them here? If I had only gone and met them somewhere, it would be easier to bail. Now I was trapped. A part of me had wondered what they were like, my siblings, ever since I found out about them. Now I had the chance to know. I could ask her anything. I shouldn’t, though. I should act like normal, like I didn’t know her or know of her. She was just a girl visiting with her boyfriend. Did Tommy know? Of course not, not even Alice knew.

  Eventually, I needed to come out from the kitchen. I grabbed four plates and some forks. But my feet didn’t move. I stood motionless in the middle of the floor when Alice came in after me.

  ‘What’s taking you so long. Didn’t you hear; I’m starving.’ She grabbed the plates from my hand and leaned in continuing in a whisper ‘I’m exhausted, she talks non-stop. She is worse than me!’

  ‘Is that even possible?’ I whispered back, and laughed when she tried to punch me with her free hand.

  ‘Did you buy any beverages?’ I asked and opened my fridge.

  ‘No, I didn’t think about that. Do you have some wine?’ she said, and whispered ‘Please, pour me some wine.’

  ‘I think I have some red left.’ I turned and reached for four wine glasses in the top cabinet.

  ‘So you and your mystery man didn’t drink it all?’ She laughed whilst taking two of the glasses. ‘Hey, you never did tell me who it was.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ I said, and grabbed a random bottle from the wine shelf in the corner. Then I ran back into the living room, before she could say anything else on the subject. Sandra and Tommy sat on the couch, their heads together whispering. They both looked up as we entered, seating ourselves in the recliners on the other side of the table. Then Alice started to unpack the food, and we ate whilst they all talked about their shopping adventures. I felt Sandra’s eyes on me several times, but I didn’t look up to meet them. I was picking my food with no appetite. Alice seemed to notice my silence, and tried to drag me into the conversation.

  ‘So, Sara, what were you doing that was so important you couldn’t join us earlier?’

  ‘I was working on a sketch.’ I shrugged.

  Alice sighed. ‘You do that all the time. School is over, where’s the rush?’

  I didn’t know how much I should tell her about it. But Chris hadn’t told me to keep it a secret. And she would notice when I was absent for a couple of weeks. ‘I sort of have a commission work.’

  ‘Oh my god. Why haven’t you told me? Who is the client?’ Alice said, and they all looked at me. Maybe I shouldn’t mention his name.

  ‘I can’t really say. But the piece is going to be big, so I’m staying at their place to work on it. Probably from next week.’

  ‘Staying at their place? Where?’

  ‘Somewhere east of London,’ I answered evasive. She was about to ask something else, she can be quite persistent when she wants to. But Sandra interrupted her.

  ‘So you are some kind of artist?’ she asked me, her voice only curious.

  ‘Kind of. I paint pictures. That’s why I’m in London, I just graduated from an art school near by.’

  ‘I’m thinking of moving to London too, maybe next semester. I’m so tired of Oslo.’

  ‘You can move Brighton, and stay with me,’ Tommy said grinning.

  ‘Yeah, like my father would ever allowed that.’ They both laughed. Alice stared annoyed at them, whilst I gulped my wine.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Sandra said, trying to compose her self. ‘My father is kind of stuck up.’

  ‘He is just very conservative,’ Tommy said defending him. I didn’t want to hear this.

  ‘That’s an understatement,’ she asserted. ‘If he knew that I had ditched my girlfriends to hang out with you all weekend, he would have killed me. He thinks I’m in Dublin.’ She was giggling now, and I wanted to slap her.

  ‘Excuse me, I think I need some water,’ I said, and walked into the kitchen to compose myself. After rinsing my glass, and filling a jug with water, I went back to them. They were still talking like nothing had happened.

  ‘Hey, Sara’ Alice said as I placed the jug on the table. ‘Why don’t you show Sandra your studio?’ I remembered she wanted some alone time with Tommy, but I didn’t know if I could do that.

  ‘She doesn’t want to see that,’ I answered and sat down on the recliner.

  ‘And you could tell her about the university,’ Alice continued.

  ‘I wouldn’t mind that,’ Sandra said, smiling tentative, and then raised herself up giving me
no choice but to follow.

  ‘I apologize for the mess.’ I said in Norwegian as we went into my studio. After two years, it felt weird to talk it out loud. Even my thoughts were in English these days.

  ‘I don’t mind,’ she smiled. ‘It just shows that you’re working.’

  She starts to walk around, appraising the room. ‘Wow, I would never have recognised this room if I hadn’t seen the rest of the apartment. What did you do with the furniture?’

  ‘The furniture?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, this is a bedroom, in fact it’s the room my sister and I usually stay in, or used to, anyway.’

  ‘I guessed Alfred had it removed before I got here. He probably knew I wanted to use it as a studio.’

  ‘Hmmh’ she said and went over to the window to peak at the ally below. ‘I see the view hasn’t changed much. But I do love the view from the living room. I used to sit there at the end of the day and watch the park as we waited for our parents to return from this and that meeting. I know Alice took us here because she wanted you to distract me while she talked with Tommy. She can be quite possessive of him, which is ironic since I’m the girlfriend. There isn’t anything going on with them, is there?’

  I shook my head, a little surprised at her insight.

  ‘Well, it doesn’t matter, I know Tommy loves me. But I’m glad we came, I found it strange to be in London and not stay here. I have some great memories from this place. Although, I haven’t been here that much. It probably sound as I have lived here, but it was only the occasional weekend visits. It is strange what you remember from childhood, the things that stick.’

  I was listening to her ramble without interrupting, still standing in the middle of the room, watching her, assessing her. If I told her who my father was, would she believe me? Would she care? Would she call me a hypocrite for living on his money? It wouldn’t bother me if she did. I didn’t make the same mistake my mother did. If he wanted to buy himself free, then I would spend every dime, I figured supporting me financial was the least he could do. I wondered what kind of support she grew up with. Did he go to her recitals or watch her play sports? Did he help her with her homework, or help her fix something that broke? I remembered the time when I used to dream that my mother met someone, so I could have a dad like all the other children in my class. And I wished she got pregnant, and gave me a little sister or brother, so I didn’t have to be alone so much.

  Sandra broke my stream of thoughts. ‘Oh, I really like this one. Did you make this?’ She had wandered towards my canvases now and was leaning over a painting. It was a stupid question, since it was my studio, and only my work in here.

  ‘They are all mine,’ I replied neutrally. She was just making conversation.

  ‘But this one stands out, don’t you think?’

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, looking around the room, and then at the one she is focused on. It was the one from my nightmare.

  ‘Well, I can see that it’s yours, of course, in the colouring and paint strokes. But the other ones have so subtle shapes that you can interpret them into what they are. This one on the other hand, the motive is quite clear: dogs running in a winter landscape. And the text is different too. In the other ones, you write the text to help interpret the picture, but here the text makes you want to see something else.’ She read the word out loud: we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.

  She looked at me, waiting for me to explain the picture. I didn’t want to tell her about my dream.

  ‘It’s a quote from Anaïs Nin, an American writer’, I said, ignoring her silent question about the meaning. ‘Do you know much about art?’

  ‘I picked up a few things over the years. My mom is on the board of the National gallery, she is overly interested, and some of it rubbed off. She is disappointed that neither of her children has any artistic abilities. You, on the other hand, seem very talented. I bet your mother is proud.’ She almost muttered the last sentence. Like she envied me.

  ‘My mother is dead.’ I replied, and started backtracking towards the living room.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know,’ she said apologetic, following me out of the room. Alice looked annoyed that we were back so soon.

  ‘So, what did you think?’ Tommy asked her as Sandra sat down beside him. Before she answered he turned to me. ‘I told Sandra that an artist was staying at her old apartment, so she was really curious to see your work.’

  ‘I’m not an artist,’ I said ‘I just enjoy doing it.’

  ‘I think they are beautiful’ Sandra interrupted. Then she jumped into another subject, turning to Tommy. ‘Can we go for a walk in the park before we head back to the hotel? I used to love that. Oh! Maybe we can rent a bike, and go all the way across?’

  Tommy seemed a bit uncomfortable. ‘Alice? Can we take a rain check on the movie?’

  ‘What movie?’ Sandra asked before Alice could respond.

  ‘We talked about maybe hitting the six o’clock viewing of Train wreck’, Tommy explained.

  ‘An action movie? I’m not spending two hours at the cinema when we only have tonight and tomorrow morning together. Can’t we rather go to the park? Please?’

  ‘Alice?’ Tommy begged, torn between his girlfriend and girl friend.

  ‘Fine. You two go to the park, I will hang out here with Sara.’ She looked at me like she was scarifying herself.

  ‘Uhh…’ I stutter. ‘I sort of have plans later, Alice.’ I did not want her to stay here and minimize the time I had with Christopher. She eyed me conspicuous.

  ‘What sort of plans?’ she asked with squinted eyes.

  ‘Just plans,’ I said evasive.

  ‘Are you going out?’ She tried.

  ‘Maybe,’ I replied.

  ‘Who with?’

  ‘Someone,’ I grinned. I was not going to spill the beans on this one.

  ‘Well, you two can stay and argue, while I take my boyfriend to the park.’ Sandra interrupted, and got up, dragging Tommy with her.

  ‘You can come if you want to,’ Tommy said to Alice before reaching the hallway. I saw Sandra give him an annoyed glance, but his eyes were fixed on Alice.

  ‘Maybe I should,’ she answered. ‘Since Sara doesn’t want me here.’ She pretended to be offended, but it didn’t stick.

  ‘Of course I want you here, just not tonight.’ I followed them and stood in the doorway while they got all their things.

  Sandra hugged me on the way out, and the gesture startled me. ‘Thank you for letting me see the apartment again, and for shoving me your pictures. You are very talented,’ she said in Norwegian.

  ‘Thank you,’ I smiled back. ‘It was nice meeting you.’ My voice didn’t reveal the turmoil of emotions I was feeling. Alice seemed surprised by her gesture as well, and felt the need to hug me also.

  She whispered in my ear as we embraced: ‘You are not getting away with this, I demand you call me later and tell me who you are seeing.’

  ‘I will call you later,’ I said loud and clear. ‘But I’m not seeing anyone.’

  ‘Uhu!’ she replied sarcastically. ‘I’ll talk to you later.’

  Even Tommy hugged me on his way out, it was starting to feel like hugging-Sara-night. It felt good to finally close the door behind them.

  I texted Christopher right away, and went into the shower to clean myself up while I waited. I thought about my visitors, and my impression of Sandra. While we ate, she seemed ignorant and stupid in some of her comments. But her personality changed when we were in my studio. It was like she was two different persons, like the blond facade was only that; a facade. I didn’t know if I liked her or not. Could I picture her as my little sister? Would I have liked her better if we had grown up together? I don’t know. I hated listening to her ramble on about her family, but part of me was curious too. I had expected to feel anger if I ever met anyone of them, but instead I felt envy, and sorrow for not having the opportunity to know them. I wondered what my father would say if he found out
that Sandra came here.

  Christopher came half an hour later. I jumped him as soon as he closed the door behind him. He got a little taken aback, but it didn’t take him more than a second to respond. I had my legs wrapt around his waist, and started to unbutton his shirt. He pressed me up on the wall and lifted my top off. We didn’t make it to the bedroom. We didn’t even make it out of the hallway. I was driven by desperation and passion. I needed someone, I needed him.

  We slowed down after a while, and he carried me to the bedroom. We lay there just talking and watching each other. I told him about my sketches, but when he asked to see them I refused. It was a work in progress, and I wasn’t ready to share.

  He was stroking my back when the subject got difficult.

  ‘So, tell me who was here earlier. Was it Alice?’

  His voice wasn’t as demanding as Erik used to be when he interrogated me. Still it felt like a demand. Like he had some claim to know what I was doing and who I was seeing. But that wasn’t the reason I stiffened. Seeing him again had distracted me from the thoughts of my sis..., from Sandra. I didn’t want to think about her, about them. I spent the last years not thinking about them, blocking them out when ever the thoughts surfaced. I closed my eyes. I didn’t know if I could deal with this on my own anymore.

  ‘Yes, Alice came over. And she brought Tommy, her cousin, and his girlfriend.’ I could feel his stare, but he didn’t ask anything else. I needed to talk to someone about this. He had trusted me with his story, I should give him the same trust.

  ‘I knew the girl, I had seen her before, in a photography. She is my…’ My voice broke. I needed this. I wanted to share. He still didn’t speak, just kept on stoking me. The feeling was soothing, made me feel content and safe.

  ‘She is my half sister.’ I opened my eyes and stared at the wall behind him.

  ‘From your fathers side?’ He guessed.

  ‘Yes’

  ‘And you have never met her before?’

  ‘No, she doesn’t know about me.’

  ‘But your father does?’ he was only being curious. I had stepped into this conversation voluntary, I owed him to follow through and not run away.