by Ani San
‘What did you tell him?’ I asked. ‘Is he relocating me again?’ I was starting to feel like I was in a witness protection program.
‘No, I told him I’m handling it.’
‘Are you? Handling it I mean? Can you make all this go away?’ I was so tired of all the drama. I knew most of it was my own fault, but seriously, did I deserve this coverage?
‘I am. You’ll be fine’ she smiled, and I wanted to smack her. She was keeping something from me, I knew it. But I was thankful for having her.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ I said after a while. ‘When do you have to get back?’
She sighed and put her phone away. ‘Tonight. I’m heading back with the car as soon as we drop you off.’
It made me depressed. I didn’t want to go back to Newcastle and be on my own again. But where else would I go? Maybe back to London. By now it didn’t matter where I stayed. They would eventually find me anyway. Might as well get over with it. My father would love this. Maybe I should call him and ask if he would pose for a family photo, I thought grimly.
We hadn’t driven more than maybe an hour when the car slowed down to a stop. I looked outside the window, but it was all dark. We were far from any city. I turned to Alice, and she was smiling that annoying smile again.
‘This is your stop,’ she said, as the driver opened my door.
I looked at her astonished. ‘Are you throwing me out? We’re in the middle of nowhere.’
‘No, silly. There’s your ride. I need to get back to the city.’ She pointed to a similar car parked right beside us. A driver was stationed by the other door, ready to open it as I approached.
I turned to Alice again. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Positive. I’ll call you later.’ Then she closed her door, and I was alone with the strange car and a large, Asian driver. He opened the door without a word, and I hesitated a second before getting in. I didn’t have much of a choice. As soon as I got inside, my heart stopped.
It was Christopher. In the car. For some reason he was really here. I wondered if I had hit my head a little too hard. Then I saw his eyes. He was angry. I visibly shrunk. He was angry with me again, because I had caused a media frenzy, again.
‘Are you ok?’ he asked, anger searing through his voice. I couldn’t believe Alice would do this to me. Did she really think I needed this today of all days. Don’t get me wrong, I was thrilled to see him, but I couldn’t handle seeing him angry. It made me want to jump out of the moving car.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, ignoring his question. It wasn’t anything else I could say. I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just did.
‘You’re sorry? You’re sorry!’ He laughed bitterly, and I shrunk some more. I heard him mutter something to him self. Then he shook his head. ‘You’re saying sorry, after everything she did to you. Unbelievable. Tell me, did she make you fall, or did you really faint?’
He is blaming Julia. Not me. I wanted to laugh and sing and dance, instead I just leaned back and closed my eyes. The relief washed over me. I was savouring the moment. He wasn’t angry with me. He was angry with her. But he shouldn’t blame her either, at least not for todays incident.
‘I fainted. I had a panic attack, again. I was stupid,’ I confessed.
‘Why were you having a panic attack? What did she say?’ He still needed to blame her.
‘It doesn’t matter. What are you doing here?’ I still couldn’t believe he was here, with me. I had dreamt of this for months, but never believing it would actually happen.
‘I had a fight with Julia. She…’ he grabbed my hand and it felt nice. ‘She refused to sign some papers. I was on the plane over here from Singapore when it happened. It was all over the news when I landed. They wrote that Julia had attacked you. She didn’t, did she?’
I shook my head, a painful motion. ‘Is that what they writing?’
‘Yes, and they are blowing it up to extent. It’s mostly bullshit. You shouldn’t worry about it. How is your head?’
‘Like the worst hangover ever. What are you doing here?’ I asked again.
He looked at me worried. ‘I told you, I was going to make Julia sign some papers.’
‘No, I mean what are you doing here, in this car?’
‘I wanted to know if you were ok.’
‘You could have called.’
‘I know. I wanted to see you.’
‘Why?’
‘I needed to see you. I have been searching for you for months. I had Anna check if you had gone back to Norway, but she found no trace of you anywhere. Your lawyer refused to tell me were you where, he said I was “bad” for you, and that I needed to leave you alone.’
‘Alfred said that?’ I wanted to be furious with Alfred, but I knew he was only looking out for me. Had he really been searching for me for months? I had hit my head. None of this made sense.
‘You can’t really blame him, you have had a rough time since I came into your life. But I only wanted to make sure your were ok.’
So he was feeling guilty. That’s why he was here. I almost had my hopes up.
‘I called Julia as soon as I saw the news. She was actually crying, so she is upset by the whole thing. She gave me Alice number. God, Sara! I was so worried.’ He squeezed my hand, making my hope rise again. I pulled back and moved away from him. I couldn’t let myself get hurt anymore.
He looked hurt by my movement. ‘Am I too late? Have you moved on? Cause I won’t blame you if you have. I really made a mess out of things.’
‘I don’t understand,’ I said, trying to comprehend his words, refusing to accept them.
‘Is there any changes you will forgive me?’
‘For what?’ I had nothing to forgive him from. I had fallen for him all by myself.
‘For being a jerk when I thought you had sold me out. For not calling you when I realised my mistake. For causing a scene at the premiere night, and make you public news. The list goes on and on. Honestly, I can see why this Alfred wants me to stay away. If I had any willpower in me I would. I’m afraid I’m a little too selfish.’
I grabbed his hand again and squeezed it. ‘I never blamed you. I knew what I was getting myself into. I just thought I could handle it.’
‘So you forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive.’
He closed his eyes, and I could see his whole body relax. He must be tired. This was taking a strain on him too.
‘So, can you tell me exactly what happened today?’
‘It was nothing.’
‘Please. Humour me.’
‘Fine. I was meeting Alice for lunch, but then we where approached by a journalist wanting to ask Alice some questions, and we rushed to the hotel to get away. It kind of freaked me out, because I was afraid he would recognise me. So I was already out of balance when we met Julia in the hallway, and she asked to speak with me.’
‘Julia approached you?’
‘Yes. She was upset that you refused to talk to her, and made it seem like that was my fault. Then she said something else, and I got all worked up, and she was angry, and I didn’t handle it too well. I have a problem dealing with angry people,’ I said ashamed. ‘I start hyperventilated, and then panic because I can’t get enough air, it’s all very stupid.’
‘That’s what happened when I was at your apartment the last time?’ I didn’t want to think about that time. It was too painful. But I nodded, and felt a traitorous tear run down my chin.’
‘I’m so, so sorry, Sara. I was confused. I felt betrayed. I’m sorry.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I answered. ‘I survived.’
‘Alice told me you stopped eating.’
‘Alice should learn to keep her mouth shut.’
‘She only said it when she was scolding me for all the things I had done to you, she was pretty angry with me. I had to do a lot of sweet-talking to get her to trust me. She loves you very much.’
‘She is the best friend. I love her too. I was really exc
ited to see her again today, but it didn’t turn out that well.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’
‘What did Julia say to make you upset.’
‘Nothing. It doesn’t matter.’
‘Tell me. I need to know.’
I was ashamed of it, because the words had caused me so much pain. ‘She told me I should have known better. I didn’t deserve you, I was only one of plenty. I was nothing.’
The driver broke it off then, by lowering the glass partition long enough to ask for my street number. We were closing in on Newcastle, and he wanted to put my address in the GPS. Christopher’s phone rang at the same time, and I saw her name at the display before he turned it off.
‘You should talk to her, tell her everything is ok,’ I said.
‘I’m tired of all her lies and excuses.’
I didn’t comment on that. I was home soon, and had to prepare myself to say goodbye to him. At least this time I got to say good-bye. Now that he knew I would be ok, he would stop feeling guilty. Although I didn’t know if I would be ok. How long before the journalist came here looking for me? Would I ever stop running?
Christopher broke the silence first. ‘I want you to know that there isn’t anyone else. It has been a long time since I had been with someone, and none of them even came close to what we had.’
‘Stop it, Christopher. I can’t hear words like that. It only makes it more painful when you leave.’
‘But I need to say them. I can’t leave you again without letting you know that I love you. I had made so many mistakes with you, and that I don’t deserve you, but I love you.’
‘You love me?’ My mind refused to accept his words.
‘I love you,’ he said again, slowly this time, while grabbing both my hands.
And then I started crying. I was deeply ashamed, but I couldn’t help myself. Even as the car stopped and the driver told us we where outside my house, my sobbing continued. Finally, Christopher had to carry me to the door, because I refused to let go of him, and he had to ring the bell so the Durhams would open it. I didn’t know how they reacted, because I was sobbing in Christopher’s chest the whole way up to my bedroom. I heard him shut the door behind us while reassuring them that I would be fine. Then he climbed into bed with me and held me until I fell asleep exhausted by the outburst.
I woke by his hand stroking my hair. ‘Good morning, beautiful.’
I was on my stomach, still dressed in the clothes from yesterday. The room was bathing in sunlight.
‘Am I still dreaming,’ I murmured, not wanting to wake up.
‘Are you ever going to tell me what happened to your hair?’ He was twisting one of the locks with his finger.
‘I think they had to remove some of it to do the stitching,’ I said, and stretched my body. I was relived to find my head didn’t hurt as much.
‘I was thinking more of the colour. I never pictured you for a redhead.’
‘I needed a changed. Is it bad?’
‘No, I think it’s sexy. How long until your head is well enough for some exercise?’
Something in his look informed that the exercise he had in mind didn’t require getting out of bed. Was I really doing this? Did I trust him? I didn’t have much of a choice, I couldn’t imagine letting him go.
‘Why don’t you come back to bed, and we’ll see?’
We were having some coffee in the living room later in the day. I hadn’t seen the Durhams, and wondered if they stayed away on purpose to give us some space. Christopher was enjoying the view.
‘The beach looks fantastic,’ he said, looking down the road to Bar beach.
‘I know. It’s really beautiful here.’
‘Let’s go for a swim. Do you know if they sell bathing shorts down at the beach?’
I looked at him, shocked. ‘You want to go outside? With me? Amongst people?’
‘They already know, anyway. I’m tired of hiding, and I’m tired of playing by Julia’s rules. It’s a beautiful day, it’s a shame to spend it inside.’ He was smiling and didn’t show any hint of insincerity.
‘You’re joking, right? How long do you think we can walk before someone recognise you.’
‘I don’t care. I’m done caring.’
‘Well, I care. I have to live here. How do you think it will be for me when you pack up and leave?’ I had tried not to think about that.
‘I’m not leaving you, I want you to come with me.’
‘What? Where?’
‘I want you to come home with me. Home to London.’
‘I don’t have a home in London anymore.’ I wanted to go back. I missed London. I missed him. But I couldn’t handle getting hurt again.
‘You will stay with me, of course.’
‘At you house? With Julia in the next room? I don’t think so, Christopher.’
‘We’ll get our own house, of course. And Julia has to sign the papers now. Even she understands that.’
‘What papers are you talking about? Are you divorcing her?’
‘Yes. It’s past time. Besides, the farce is exposed now anyway, so there is no reason for us to stay together. I’m not even sure I like her anymore, I don’t recognise the person she has turned in to.’
‘She loves you, Christopher.’ I tried not to picture the future he offered me. This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t hope for a future with him. And no matter what he said, he was still married.
‘No, she wants me because she is loosing me. And it doesn’t matter. I love you. I want to marry you.’
That made me stop in my tracks. Marry me? Did he just propose? I had to sit down.
‘Look, I know it is a lot to consider, and I haven’t given you that much reason to trust me in the past, but I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Yes, the media will be massive at first, but it will pass. They will leave us alone eventually. And as long as we are together, that’s all that matters. We can do this, together. Starting today. I love you. Marry me. Give me a chance to prove to you that we can do this. Are you crying? Why are you crying? Sara, are you ok?’
He bent down in front of me, and I could see worry in his face in my blurry vision. But I wasn’t crying. I was overwhelmed. My mind had caved, and I started to believe him. I started picturing a future with him in it. Him and me. Me and him. I could deal with Julia, the photographers and the media exposer, as long as I did it by his side. I wrapped my hands around his head and pulled him close to me.
‘Yes, Christopher. I will marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.’
And I knew, without a doubt, that I could face anything as long as he loved me. We would do this. Together. I finally belonged.
Epilogue
«And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you
because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places.
Those who don't believe in magic will never find it.»
- Roald Dahl
I am walking down the main path in Kensington Gardens. The June sun is warming my face, and I stop to sit at a bench half way across the park. I love this place. I feel at peace here. A noise came from the carrycot beside me, and I glance over to see if Catherine is ok. She is turning four months now, but I still have to check her every time she makes a sound. A guy with a camera is standing a hundred feet away from me, but he doesn’t approach. If he does, then Charles would stop him before he got too close. I never answer any questions anyway, so they keep their distance most of the time. I am getting used to the picture taking, it doesn’t bother me as much as it did two years ago. And I feel safe with Charles by my side. I didn’t care what they wrote either, I never read any of it. I knew they had tried to dig about my past and my money, and I knew Alfred had done some heavy burying. So far, none of them knew that I had living relatives back in Norway.
Anna sent me a text to tell me Christopher’s plane just landed. I want to be home when he arrived,
so I get up and walk the same direction I came from. I don’t live in my old apartment, because that belonged to Bradford & Benner. Instead, Christopher had bought a larger apartment in the building across the street, so I would have the same fantastic view. He also bought a small cabin near the Jefferson farm, as a wedding present for me last year. It is a great getaway, whenever I need to get away from it all. But so far I find myself surprisingly content. Christopher doesn’t travel as much after we got Catherine, but when he has too, I fo along with him or spend my days surrounded by friends. Alice is thrilled to have me back in London, and Una and Mark came back too. I even spend time with Julia, who isn’t that bad once she stopped treating me like the enemy. She finally realised that she had to let Christopher go. I also have a new friend, who currently lives in my old apartment. Sandra came back, to attend a drama school. I’m not sure what my father thinks about me hanging out with my little sister, I still hadn’t heard from him. But I don’t care. I am content with life. I am more than content, I am happy. I have a family, and I have love. The darkness is gone. The sun is shining.
Table of Contents
Breathe By Ani Sa...
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Epilogue«