by Chloe Lang
“Am I?” She averted her eyes, unable to look directly at him. “I couldn’t sleep. I was going to work, coming home, trying to take care of him. I’d put my head on the pillow and my mind would spin and spin. Granddad had pain pills, prescription pain pills in his medicine cabinet. They were for his hip-replacement surgery that had occurred six months before his diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. I started taking them at night just to get some rest. One a night became two and three and on and on. As they say ‘the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree’ and I fell into the same mire my drug-addict mother fell into.”
He cupped her chin. “Look at me, baby.”
She couldn’t resist and raised her gaze to meet his.
“You are not your mother, Nicole.”
“You barely know me. How can you be sure?”
“Trust me, I know. You would never abandon anyone let alone a child like you were. Your mother did that, didn’t she?”
She nodded, feeling her lower lip begin to quiver. “I’m still an addict, Reed. After my grandfather’s death, I spiraled out of control. I thought I was only taking two or three pills a night to sleep but I was taking so much more.” The day of her near demise and biggest mistake had been a weight she’d carried for two years. Telling Reed seemed to be lifting it some. “I came to the station during a photo op one day for our Police Commander. You know what I did? I threw up on him while the cameras were running. Yep. I disgraced the Flowers name that day. I ran out without so much as an apology to the commander.”
“Baby, I’m so sorry.”
“Now I’ve got you saying it,” she smiled weakly. “I barely have any memory of that day I was so high on drugs. Two a night? I was delusional. It had to be much more. Patti, the only other female at the station, was my daily coffee run buddy. She found me an hour later at my apartment sprawled out on my living room floor with a bag of Oxycontin.”
“Was that the drug your grandfather was given for his surgery?”
“No. I have no idea where that bag of shit came from. Seriously, I was messed up. Jaris, my partner at the time, showed up right after Patti. I would’ve died if it hadn’t been for them. I would’ve lost my badge, too. They’ve kept my secret ever since, but they made sure I got clean. Jaris still goes with me to my addicts anonymous group three times a week.”
“Were you ever in love with him, Chicago?” His voice was steady and calm as he touched her on the cheek.
Her jaw dropped. “Jaris?”
God, he was a lot of things to her but never boyfriend material. Sure, he was good looking, but he was more brother than anything.
“Help me understand what he was to you, Nicole.”
“No. We were partners. We are friends. That’s all. Nothing else.”
He let out a long, heavy breath. “Good.”
She wondered why he cared. Was he less of a player than she’d first imagined him to be?
“So this has something to do with why you’re in Destiny?” Reed asked. “This case is connected in some way?”
“Nope. Patti and Jaris are the only people who know what really happened that day. The rest of the station believes I was suffering from the flu. It still landed me behind a desk for the past two years, but I have my badge.”
“That seems harsh to me.”
She shrugged. “Maybe. The station commander isn’t fond of me at all. He would love to see me off the force or at least out of his station.”
“Asshole.”
“Most definitely.”
“So why didn’t you leave the force?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Family history, I suppose.”
“Chicago, you were doing so good.” He stepped back, releasing his hold of her. She instantly missed his embrace. “I’m disappointed in you.”
She’d let him down in some way. “What do you mean?” she asked, feeling the sting.
The playful Reed was gone. Here, in front of her, was the serious Reed, the demanding Reed, the dangerous Reed. If not careful, she would lose her heart to him even though he would most certainly crush it. Where was Sawyer? God, she needed him to run interference for her. He’d shown another side to him when they’d made love, but at his core she knew Sawyer would do his best to make sure she was okay. Reed wasn’t afraid to push her, to test her limits, and that was something she was anxious about.
His eyebrows shot up. “You’re lying to me about why you’ve stayed in a station where you believe you only have two friends who give a damn about you and the rest would rather see you go. Right?”
“It’s a very long and complicated story, Reed.” She dropped her gaze to the floor, but he cradled her chin in his big hand, gently urging her to look up. She did and saw his unblinking stare, which reached into her and squeezed more than his hug had earlier.
“Tell me why you stayed. Be honest.”
“I can’t fail my grandfather. I can’t. It’s not right. I will do what I have to do. You said it yourself. Shit happens. That’s life.”
“True, and you said that it shouldn’t be that way, and I’m beginning to believe you might be right. Someone as amazing and courageous as you shouldn’t have to face such things alone.”
“Maybe not, but I have. I will continue to get through whatever the day brings me. You see why I get you, cowboy?”
“You think you get me, Chicago?” He tilted his head to one side.
She nodded. “You’re angry. You’re sad. You’re so sad. You feel an aching emptiness in your very gut and still you go on. You do what you have to do. So do I. I told myself a million times it would be better to leave the force and go get another job, but I can’t. Hell, I won’t. I’m not someone who waves the white flag. Neither are you, right? You’ve been shrinking away from life with a wicked laugh and lusty grin hoping no one will see past your mask. I’m not someone who gets people normally, but I get you. I recognize the pain in you. Mine is different but the impact is the same. Is that why you go to the club? Is that why you run to that kind of life? So you can remain alone and cut off from everyone even in a crowd?”
“No,” he said, his fingers sinking into her hair. “BDSM is about control, Chicago. I need it to the very depths of my being. It makes sense of the world to me.”
“And it protects you from opening up to others, too. Right?”
“Quiet,” he snapped, tugging on her hair. “You want to know about the life, then listen good. There are loving relationships that are formed and solidified in the lifestyle that Sawyer and I practice. Long term, unbreakable relationships. BDSM is about trust, plain and simple. The more a sub trusts her masters the more pleasure she enjoys and the more satisfaction her Doms get.”
“I get that, Reed. My question is so what is holding you back from choosing a sub for you and Sawyer? Sawyer seems ready to settle down. You don’t. Am I wrong?”
He released her hair. “Doesn’t matter if it’s me or Sawyer or both. It is what it is.”
“The hell it doesn’t. What are you afraid of, cowboy?”
He jerked her back into his body. “I’m not afraid of anything.”
“Really? Now who is lying?”
“Tell me this, Nicole. How long are you in Destiny for?”
“You know that already. A week or so.”
He kissed her, pressing his lips to her mouth. She kept her eyes open, watching his go hazy with desire. Her own passion was heating up to a roaring blaze. She felt her toes curl and a tingle spread from the center of her abdomen and out through the rest of her body.
Suddenly, Reed ended their kiss. “Run back to your desk, Chicago. That’s where you belong. I belong here. You worry about your life and I’ll worry about mine. It’s the way it’s got to be.” And then he walked into the cabin, leaving her alone with the half breaths he’d created in her with his kiss.
Chapter Eleven
Reed stared at Nicole as she walked into the cabin with swollen red eyes. God, he hated himself right now more than he ever had before. How the hell was he goin
g to fix things with her? He couldn’t.
“Sawyer should be back any minute,” Reed told Nicole—the one woman he couldn’t stop thinking about.
“Fine.” She sat down on the opposite side of the sofa, her cop act back in place. It was obviously what she put on to protect herself from assholes like him.
He knew he had frozen up when she’d gotten too close to his truth. Close? She’d nearly hit the nail on the head. He could’ve handled things better. She deserved at least that much from him. What could he say to fix things, to help her understand why he acted the way he did? Words were his strong suit when it came to seducing a cute sub to bed, but a woman like Nicole was due the truth. Those words, candid and honest words, never came easy for him. He’d lived his whole life keeping things casual and laid-back. Nicole was kind, warm, a woman who wasn’t afraid to stand up and fight. God, she was everything he needed and more. He wanted to tell her that, with all his heart, but what would that change? Nothing. She would go back to Chicago, to her life there. He would stay here with Sawyer, who was in as deep as he was—wanting a future with her.
“When your brother gets back, I’m going to have him take me back to town, Reed. I’m done here.”
Fuck! “We’ll see about that.” He was pushing her away. If not now, when was the right time to tell her how much she meant to him?
“I’m a free woman, cowboy. I can come and go as I please. Trust me on that one.” She patted the side of her jacket where he knew her gun was hidden underneath.
“You mean to shoot me then, Chicago?” That would be better than to live a single day knowing he’d never confessed his true feelings to her. Feelings? They always got a person in trouble and he was no exception.
Before she could answer, Sawyer walked in through the front door carrying the takeout from Phong’s. The aromas of their various dishes wafted through the air, causing Reed’s stomach to growl.
“Breakfast is served,” Sawyer said, placing the sacks on the table.
Nicole’s dark mood seemed to fade the moment he’d walked in the door. “Thank God. I am starving.”
Reed was, too, but his mind was on other things than his gut. Sawyer, too, was downright sunny around her. The way he looked at her, the way he acted around her, it was quite clear he was completely falling for her, head over heels, in way deep and going deeper.
“Here’s the lady’s sesame chicken.” Sawyer handed Nicole her entrée that was in a familiar Phong’s little white box. Hiro Phong had switched the restaurant’s old plain container to the current one seven years ago. On the top was printed Phong’s address and phone number. On the bottom, it was blank. The sides held the big change that had occurred back during Dragon week that year. Each side had an image of one of the four dragons of Central Park. Patrick O’Leary had been thrilled with the change. “Here’s your kung pao beef, Reed.”
“Thanks.”
“And for me, chicken chow mein. But I got two dishes for us to share. I think you’ll love them, Nicole.”
“What are they?”
With a little fanfare, much like a magician about to pull a rabbit out of his hat, Sawyer opened the last two boxes of food. “Spinach and pork wontons.”
She leaned over, peering in the container. “They look and smell delicious.”
“Wait until you taste them.” Sawyer reached over and touched her on the shoulder. He’d never seen his brother this way around any other woman. “And last but definitely not least, crab rangoon.”
“I’ve never had that before.”
“You’ll love them. They’re bite-size, fried dumplings stuffed with crab. It’s like heaven for your taste buds, sweetheart.”
“Sounds divine.”
Sawyer turned to him with one eyebrow raised. “What’s up with you?”
Sometimes it would’ve been nice to have a brother who couldn’t read him like an open book. “Not a damn thing, if you must know.”
Sawyer frowned. “Liar. You’re usually halfway done with your meal by now.” His brother turned to Nicole. “Is everything okay here?”
Her dark mood clearly snapped back into place. “We’re fine. Let’s eat.”
Sawyer didn’t push it, thank God.
As they all three ate their meal in silence, Reed felt the battle inside him rage. He wasn’t ready to talk about his feelings with his brother or anyone. His emotions were more intense than he’d ever known them to be. His steady, calm control had apparently vacated the premises.
Nicole was a dream, the perfect woman for them except for a couple of things. Sawyer might be able to live a life without BDSM being a part of it, but he couldn’t. Sure, a vanilla tumble now and again was fun but it didn’t speak to him the way having a sub surrender fully to him did. God, he would love seeing that kind of trust in Nicole’s eyes, hearing it on her lips, touching it on her skin. But he’d been in the life since he became an adult. He knew the risks and the rewards. She didn’t. He couldn’t even imagine her agreeing to the type of relationship he needed. Reed could almost see his way clear of ditching the life for a future with Nicole but for the biggest thing that held him back. He was falling for her hard. It would be okay for Sawyer to be in love with her. In an odd way, Reed had always expected his brother to end up that way once they settled on a wife. But he couldn’t be with a woman in a permanent relationship that he cared for beyond fondness.
No way. No how. Never.
But with every bite he swallowed and every glance he stole of Nicole during the meal, Reed felt his ancient vow, the one he’d made shortly after the plane crash, weaken. Still, he could recite the oath he’d written in his journal all those years ago by memory.
Love is destined to fail. It failed me. My parents are gone despite the love they felt for each other. I loved them and it didn’t save them one bit. I will not be a fool and fall victim to it again. I love my brother and sister. That is enough. I will do whatever I can to ensure they stay safe. I will marry a woman with Sawyer, but I will not love her. This I vow until the day I die.
A grieving teen’s way of coping with horrific loss at the time, but now a mantra he’d come to live by. But how could he continue holding fast to that pledge after meeting Nicole? God knew he needed to. Love wasn’t ideal. Sure, it could change a person’s thoughts, feelings, even actions—but it could also crush them into a pile of despair. When Love was good and firing on all cylinders, it felt ecstatic. When the object of someone’s affection was taken away tragically or otherwise, the heartbreak that followed was devastating.
“You’re deep in thought, Reed. That’s not like you,” Sawyer said, pulling him back to the here and now.
“Just enjoying Phong’s best,” he lied.
Sawyer shook his head.
“It is good,” Nicole said, gazing at him with her big eyes, ripping his resolve to shreds. “Best I’ve ever had.”
God, he wanted to believe that love existed, but how could he after so long of believing it wasn’t for him, believing it was overrated? He’d become an island of sorts, pushing people away.
After finishing their meal, Sawyer produced three fortune cookies that Hiro had sent for them. “Shall we see what our future holds?”
Nicole smiled, breaking his heart even more. “My grandfather and I had a tradition back in Chicago to help the magic really work. Our favorite Chinese restaurant always gave us more cookies than we needed, four or five each. Granddad would choose one from the lot to be my true fortune and I would choose his.” The tone in her voice seemed to be the result of a mix of her sweet recollections about her grandfather and deep sadness for losing him.
That’s what love gets you in the end. Heartache.
“Let’s do that now,” Sawyer said.
“What do you mean?” Nicole asked.
“You want me to pick a fortune cookie for you, bro?” he asked Sawyer.
“Yep. I’ll pick one for Nicole and she’ll pick one for you. We could use a little magic today.”
“You don’t h
ave to do that for me, Sawyer.” Nicole turned her gaze to Reed. “Unless you don’t mind.”
What was wrong with him? Wasn’t a chance at real love staring him right in the face? The vow he’d taken after his parents’ death was out of date and obsolete since Nicole’s arrival. He wanted to stop running away from love. Could he? Time to test the waters. “I don’t mind, Chicago. Let’s do this tradition of you and your granddad’s.”
Her lips curled up into the cutest smile he’d ever seen in his life. She took the three cellophane-wrapped cookies from Sawyer and began studying them intently. She took her traditions seriously. Then Nicole selected one and handed it to Reed.
He took it, feeling the resolve to go for it, to give love a real try, to not hold back but to embrace what his emotions were screaming at him to do.
“Now you pick for Sawyer,” she said.
He did, handing it to him.
“Thanks, bro,” Sawyer said. “That leaves this one for you, Nicole.” He gave her the last cookie.
“Now we read our fortunes. You’ll see I was right about the magic.”
“You first, Chicago. This is your tradition.”
“You’re right.” She ripped off the clear wrapper and cracked the fortune cookie in half. In a flash, the cookie was devoured. “God, those are good.”
“Homemade right here in Destiny.” Sawyer nodded. “The fortunes are handwritten by Hiro’s wife, Melissa.”
“That’s very impressive, cowboy.” Nicole read hers first. “No one can walk backward into the future.” That sounded like the fortune he needed, more scolding than prediction he thought. To him it meant he shouldn’t let his past dictate his future.
“Now what?” he asked her.
“Sawyer’s turn.”
“You have a deal, sweetheart.” Sawyer read his fortune. “Today, your mouth might be moving but no one is listening. That sounds about right.”
“What do you mean by that, big brother? I listen.”
“Like a stump,” Sawyer said. “You read yours.”
“We’ve got to feed the horses, or have you forgotten all your ranch duties? Playtime is over.”