by Jessie G
“I think that last growl warned him off,” Julian teased when they were finally alone again.
“Sorry, I’m not usually good at this talking thing and now that we got the ball rolling, I figure we should see where it takes us.” It sounded lame to his own ears, but Julian seemed to be eating it up. Talk about incentive. All he could do was get better, right?
“You keep using that word. Us.” Blushing hard, Julian ducked his head and admitted, “I really like hearing it.”
“Everything I own is in my truck.” Of all the appropriate responses, Shane had no idea where those words came from. Didn’t matter that it was true, it was out of place and presumptuous. Actually, packing up had been the presumptuous part, but at least it was only part of the process. He hadn’t notified anyone that he was moving, it wasn’t official by Navy standards, and he could still go back—tail between his legs, heart fucking broken—if he’d misread the situation here.
Julian took a deep shuddering breath before he lifted his head and Shane thought his heart would stop when he saw the tears. “Does that mean you’re coming home for good?”
Yes. Shane wanted to shout it, whisper it, say it between kisses, and while he was fucking Julian through the mattress. Their mattress in their home where they lived together.
“You keep using that word. Home.” Slowly, deliberately, he lifted Julian’s hand and placed a gentle kiss in the center of his palm. It was by far the most forward act of his adult life and it didn’t express a tenth of what he was feeling. “I really like it.”
Tears trailing down his cheeks, Julian warned, “I’m kind of an emotional wreck.”
“No, you’re not.” After all Sean’s warnings, Julian’s emotional stability continually surprised Shane. “You’re more in tune with your emotions and feel more strongly than most, but I think that’s better than being emotionally detached. Like me.”
“Oh, honey, you’re not.” That rush to defend was nice, but they both knew not exactly true and Shane was glad when Julian corrected himself. “At least, not when it counts and I think we could balance each other out.”
Balance sounded a lot like a partnership to him. “I’d like that, Julian.”
They were still staring at each other…just staring…when the waiter returned with their appetizer. Shane had no idea what they ate or if it was good. All he knew was that they were going home together because they were an us. A family.
For so long, he convinced himself that he was better off alone, that he needed to protect his heart from someone who would eventually leave him. It was unfair, but that was how he viewed his mother’s death and his father’s emotional withdrawal. There hadn’t been a single man who passed through his life that made him think he could feel differently until Julian.
Now he couldn’t imagine his life without him. Couldn’t imagine not loving him forever. Whether they had a year together or ten or fifty, he would be in love with Julian Brand until the day they spread his ashes to the wind.
“What’s that smile for?” Julian looked up from his plate and cocked his head thoughtfully.
“Just thinking about you.” He didn’t elaborate and Julian didn’t ask, but their stupidly broad smiles said more than any words ever could. Declarations would be nice and Shane was strangely confident that they would happen when the time was right, but he didn’t need to hear it now to know that Julian was his.
That they were an us.
That he had a family again.
Chapter 17
Sean
With stealth officially off his resume, there was no way to hover outside the kitchen so he could listen in on the lovebirds who were so freaking cute they were killing him. Though they didn’t take out a bulletin or anything, it was obvious to everyone at the B&B that something had changed between them and it was definitely for the better. Sean knew not everything was about him, especially this, but having Shane officially move in made him feel safer. More secure—which was not something he wanted to think about now. Not when there was teasing to be done.
“Ah, look, it’s my two favorite sex fiends.” Seated close together at the kitchen table, bleary-eyed and disheveled, they glared at him with those matching two-for-one frowns. “Huh. I don’t know why I expected you to be in a better mood. Silly of me to think that three days of non-stop sex should leave a permanent smile on a man’s face. Or, at least, semi-permanent.”
“First of all, it wasn’t non-stop,” Julian muttered. “There was food and sleeping, and, uh, work. I worked all weekend.”
“Is that what you’re calling those private meetings in the broom closet now?” Trying to affect his best confused expression, Sean kept one eye on them as he moved about the kitchen. His favorite insulated travel mug was still on the drain board from the day before, so he grabbed that on his way to the fridge where he snagged the creamer. As he rounded the bend toward the coffee pot, he paused dramatically and asked, “Was Shane helping you find the feather duster?”
Unperturbed, Shane leaned back in his seat and smirked. “Don’t be hating on us just because your balls decided to take a hiatus.”
“What the hell?” Sean looked down at his lap and just barely resisted the urge to check his package. “What’re you trying to say? My babies are just fine.”
“You sure? Cause the Sean I know used to have balls so big, he never let anything get in the way of what he wanted and he damn sure didn’t make excuses.” Shane let that hit its mark before he lifted his hands in surrender. “But what do I know?”
Annoyed at the not-so-veiled reference to Esme and, well, everything else he was avoiding, Sean turned his back on them and prepared his coffee. Once the top was secure, he slipped the mug into the mesh holder on the side of the chair and continued to loop around until he could grab the donuts. One, to be precise, because screw them and their blissed out faces.
“I’ve always secretly wondered that myself. How is it possible that you outrank me?” They all knew the answer to that. Sean hadn’t wanted the responsibility of an officer’s rank. “I’m smarter, faster, and more capable. Not to mention utterly charming and ridiculously handsome.”
“It’s one of life’s great mysteries,” Shane agreed easily, his whole demeanor more relaxed than Sean had ever seen.
This was more than sex marathon relaxed, it was pure contentment—something Sean wouldn’t have believed Shane capable of and he was the one who pushed them together. Seeing them exceed his expectations was bittersweet. Their happy should have been his, but, as Shane pointed out, he wasn’t going after what he wanted and he had a metric fuck-ton of excuses why.
“Hey, since you’re up, why don’t you come with me this morning?” It wasn’t the first time Shane suggested he visit the base and Sean hated to disappoint him, but the last thing he wanted was to be paraded around like some wounded war hero. What happened was a freak accident and there was no honor in that. “Chief’s in town, along with a few of the guys, and they’ve been asking to see you.”
Sean had dozens upon dozens of unread text messages and emails to back that up, but he wasn’t ready to accept their sympathy yet. Nor was he ready to watch them go about their day doing things he could no longer do. Unless he was being ordered to go, Sean didn’t see any reason to put himself through that torture. And there was only one reason their commanding officer would issue such an order.
Could that mean…Sean looked at Shane closely, trying to see if he was just making a friendly suggestion or if there was something else going on. Had Chief requested his presence? Were they cutting him loose?
“Did Chief ask to meet with me? Doctor Cramer said he consulted with the team from Jacksonville and they’ve petitioned the medical evaluation board, but I didn’t think it would happen so quickly.” Medical discharge was practically a given under the circumstance and everyone involved in his case spoke as if it was already a done deal. Sean understood that he could no longer fulfill his role in the Navy, that he would be a hindrance instead of an asset to t
he unit that once counted on him, and that it was the right decision for everyone involved. His counselor had been preparing him for it and Sean thought he had a handle on it.
“No—” Shane began, his toned strained, and whatever handle Sean thought he had made a good springboard as he went flying off it.
“Don’t you bullshit me! Just tell me, okay? Did they throw me away that easily?” He was losing it, could feel everything slipping away, and gasped when Shane grabbed his hand in a bruising grip. Julian took his other, tethering him to them, and Sean felt his world constrict around them. Shane called them a unit of three and now it was true. All he had was right here in this room. “I gave them my best years, my legs…my fucking life.”
“No!” Julian scrambled around the table until he was kneeling beside the chair. “You aren’t garbage and they aren’t throwing you away. They’re doing what’s right for you and for the safety of the other men and women who wear the uniform. It sucks, it hurts, but it doesn’t take away from all the good you’ve done and it doesn’t mean your life is over. It’s just the start of another chapter, one where you can do anything you want.”
“You’re alive, Sean.” Shane reiterated, squeezing his hand again as if to prove his point. “Didn’t you just tell me how smart and capable you are? Being in that chair won’t stop you from having a full life unless you let it.”
Sean closed his eyes and breathed in the words, hoping they would penetrate his thick skull. The panic receded a little, but damn…he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to that part of himself. More than that, he hated that decisions were being made about his life without his input. “I don’t know what that means. How can I do anything I want or have this full life you keep promising when everyone else is making decisions for me? I haven’t had control since that damned accident and I’m tired of it.”
“Who do you think has it? It’s true that the Navy’s been calling the shots all these years— that’s what we agreed to when we signed on. When they cut you loose, who do you think is going to pick up the slack? News flash, it won’t be us.” Since they were already doing that in spades, Shane’s lie was almost laughable. Almost. “And if you’re hoping Aunt Doom and Uncle Gloom are going to ride to your rescue, you’re shit outta luck. Your doctors have provided the tools and we’ve given you a place to heal. What happens next is on you.”
Sean continued to breathe slowly, in and out, and he realized they were breathing with him. One unit, working together for his benefit. Instead of feeling sorry for himself and accepting defeat as if it was inevitable, he needed to take the chance they were giving him. But how? Everyone involved in his case seemed to have an answer for that, from well-meaning suggestions to expert advice, and he hadn’t put any of them into practice. Hadn’t wanted to accept that he’d have to.
“I thought it was Aunt Gloom and Uncle Doom,” Julian said quietly, his amusement only a little forced, and Sean felt his lips twitch. “I mean, that seems more fitting, no?”
“Either way, it’s more fitting that they’ve stopped calling,” Shane grumbled and Sean made himself nod. There was no way he could tell either of them that the only reason the calls stopped was because they started emailing instead. Modern technology hadn’t escaped the elder Brands and they’d begun using it to send him websites to facilities for people like him. He didn’t know why they persisted or why he always opened the email before deleting it. One would think he’d be angry and itching to prove them wrong, but his inner ‘fuck you’ had gone MIA and all he had was the fear that they were right.
Feeling like his whole being was weighed down by the things he couldn’t change, Sean forced himself to pull away from them and said, “I’ll get ready.”
Head bowed, he started to push away from the table, only for Shane’s next words to stop him cold. “You’ve gotten yourself all worked up for nothing. Yes, Chief and the others asked to see you, but only to prove to themselves that you’re alive and well. Especially since you’ve been ignoring their messages. What did you expect? Roles reversed, you’d have been knocking down doors already.”
“But…” Sean looked from Shane to Julian in confusion. “You sounded so worried.”
“That’s because Chief is here to meet with Shane.” Julian’s even delivery only made those words more powerful.
Where his own situation was obvious, Shane’s was not. Despite shoulder surgery, he had lucked into an open training position, so he wasn’t in contention for a medical discharge. The twenty-year mark had made his return to sea iffy at best and Sean knew that not too long ago, he was chafing to do just that. But things had changed drastically and they’d settled into their new normal without considering that he could be taken away from them.
A quick look around the table had him amending that. Shane and Julian hadn’t forgotten, only he had been so wrapped up in his own issues that Sean hadn’t been considering theirs. “What will you do?”
It was a stupid question. Shane would follow orders, whatever they may be, and Julian would accept the consequences. If that meant watching him leave and waiting for him to return, then that was part of loving a military man. Sean hated that for his cousin, but he knew Julian would be loyal and dedicated and the best long-distance partner Shane could ask for.
“You ask that like I have any control over the situation.” Shane stood and carried his mug to the sink, then just stood there looking down the drain as if it contained all the answers in the universe. “The last thing I want to do is leave, but we always knew it a possibility. If those orders come down, Micah and Garrison will still step up to help, but Sean—” When Shane turned around, face set and shoulders squared, Sean felt the sailor inside him stand at attention. “—Julian’s going to need you.”
A million retorts flew through his head. How was he supposed to help Julian when he couldn’t even help himself? Yeah, he’d learned a few tricks, made it look like he was adapting, but it was all just surface crap. He hadn’t tried to do anything significant—like take charge of his life and his future. He hadn’t gone after the woman he loved even though he knew, or at least strongly suspected, that his feelings were returned. Basically, he could wipe his own ass and get his own coffee— big fucking deal.
Shane was asking the impossible and Sean opened his mouth to say so. Only, the words that tumbled out were, “Yes, sir. You can count on me.”
“I’ve never doubted that before and I won’t start now.” When Shane’s hand came to rest on his shoulder, he’d never felt more unworthy in his life.
That pride and expectation should have felt overwhelming, but where he hadn’t been able to find enough anger to motivate him, he would do anything to be someone Shane and Julian could count on. Even if that meant parading himself around base just so Shane would know he wasn’t going it alone. At least, this time.
“If you’re still up for company, I’d like to come along.”
Shane and Julian both looked relieved, and Sean quickly backed out of the kitchen. He needed a few minutes to regroup and triple that to get ready. Alone in his suite, he made his way into the adjoining bathroom and took stock of his reflection in the mirror. The pathetic, unkempt shell of a man looking back at him was no one to count on and he was terrified of letting them down.
Then don’t. The memory of those words made him smile now, just as they did the first time he heard Shane say them. They were prepping for Battle Stations when Jasper Clayton decided that after enduring seven weeks of hell—most of it from the bullies who thought smaller meant weaker—he was giving up. What he lacked in physical strength, he more than made up for in smarts and everyone knew command was keeping a close eye on him. They never did learn what finally shook his confidence, but Shane wasn’t about to let him fold when he’d come so far.
In the end, Jasper’s fear was identical to what Sean was feeling now. The pressure of expectation, the fear of failure, and the desire not to let anyone down. Shane had offered his two-word advice in a way that made you want to believe it could
be that simple. And wouldn’t you know it, it worked for Jasper during the endurance test and he went on to exceed every expectation the Navy set for him.
Here in paradise, Sean could only hold on to those words and hope for a fraction of that success.
Chapter 18
Shane
Despite his objections, Sean lit up when he saw the guys. It had taken a little doing, but once he hinted that Sean was struggling, their brothers in arms had sprung into action. The reunion had been loud, vulgar, and inappropriate—much like the man himself—and lacking in anything resembling pity. Any hero worship concerns were also squashed when they started ribbing him about the accident.
“So, let me get this straight,” Benson shouted over the laughter. “You got hit by a storage container that was knocked over by an out of control fighter jet on the deck of an aircraft carrier—and you’re still alive? Seriously, man, I hope you called Guinness ‘cause if there isn’t already an award for sheer dumb luck, that should get them to create a whole new category!”
Sean was laughing so hard, he was holding his stomach with one hand and wiping away tears with the other. It was awesome and Shane only wished Julian could be there to witness it. He hated that Julian looked surprised when he extended the invitation and didn’t buy his excuse that he would use the peace to catch up on paperwork. Shane knew he refused because he didn’t want to pretend they weren’t together and that was on him. Still. Because moving in hadn’t equaled coming out, at least not here.
In his defense, he hadn’t been back on base all weekend and no one was aware of his move. He planned to take care of that today. As for the other, how did one come out at thirty-six? Shane didn’t know and there was a cowardly part of him that wished their kiss at the naval hospital had hit the gossip lines. Usually, that shit was foolproof, but his moment of bravery had miraculously stayed under the radar.
“At least he hasn’t lost that annoying laugh.” Their commanding officer, Chester “Chief” Lowery—a nickname he earned long before he surpassed the rank—stopped at his side and gestured toward Sean. Startled that he’d come to them, Shane shifted to attention and got waved off for his trouble. “Save that for the bigwigs.”