by M. K. Gibson
“What is the nature of this new business?” Wraith Knight asked, ignoring Myst.
“Making the world a better place,” I said. “And you two are going to help.”
“What do you need us to do?”
I tapped out a few commands on my tablet, distributing my orders and sending them to Myst’s and WK’s personal devices. “You two will take this catalog of supervillains and their empires. Myst, you will begin breaking them apart and placing them into the matching departments within the company. I’ve outlined a few for you to get you started. Put the thieves in charge of the home security division, the scientists in charge of R&D departments, and so forth. Get creative and use their gifts to create ‘must-have’ consumer bullshit. If done well, people will line up to buy our crap. Make sure we use absolutely no city power and we have a near-zero carbon footprint. I want Blackwell Industries to become a beacon to mankind. A symbol.”
“And me?” Wraith Knight asked.
“Speaking of using natural talents,” I said, tapping my knuckles against his armor, “you are going to be patrolling the streets as the head of my security. Stop all petty crime and turn them over to the police; getting into their good graces is key. Naturally, you will have to lose the armor.”
“Aww.”
“I know, I know, but it’s necessary,” I said. “Also, while your team is patrolling, you will ensure all of our new ‘employees’ are abiding by my mandate. Those who disobey, you kill, full stop.”
“Not jail?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Dead and gone. And I don’t want the bodies discovered, so stock your team with people who can do that. I’m sure we have a few ghouls on staff, or a fire guy who can melt flesh and bone to ash.”
“I wanted to use Flare,” Myst said, looking over my directives on her tablet. “I could use him in our heating and energy division.”
I sighed. “You two work it out.”
“Do we get uniforms?” Wraith Knight asked.
“Sure, why not?” I smiled. “Go nuts. But keep it classy. And under NO circumstances will the uniforms be purple.”
Wraith Knight looked defeated. “But purple is—”
“If you say the color of royalty, I will literally switch your head and your ass and sell you to science,” I said, finishing for him. “Purple is blue’s inbred cousin. Besides, nothing screams villain, or pimp, like purple. Absolutely NO purple. Color of royalty, my tan ass. Just because something was harder and expensive to make in the Middle Ages, we are forced to suffer under the delusion that purple is attractive. Absolute worst of the secondary colors. Green and orange have character. But purple? A symbol poor people and criminals use to elevate themselves.”
“Boss, you’re ranting again,” Myst said.
“Because I’m good at it.”
“And what will you be doing during all of this?”
“Well, that’s the best part. What is it superheroes like to do the most?” I asked my faithful minions.
“Fight supervillains?” Wraith Knight offered.
“Stuff their spandex?” Myst asked.
“Crossfit?”
“Oh, they like to collect action figures of themselves!”
“Look down on people!”
“Oh yeah!” Myst said. “Like literally. They’re constantly posing on top of buildings.”
I actually laughed a little. “All of those are true.”
“Are unsatisfying in bed,” Myst added. “What? So I had a little side action two reboots ago. I had to know.”
Eh, I didn’t blame her. I did as well. There was this one superhero female who could create cloned copies of herself and had a thing for bad boys.
For the sexually inexperienced, be warned, multiple people is definitely not a challenge to be taken lightly. If you have a hard time satisfying one or two women in bed, you don’t want an entire room full of them looking crossly at you with that “it’s your fault” look if you . . . ahem . . . . “finish early.”
In my defense, I’m only one god, and that was a lot of vagina. And after a while, she—well, they—ended up . . . ummm, “taking care of themselves,” if you catch my meaning.
I’m still not sure if it constituted lesbianism or masturbation. Meh, let the nerds on Reddit figure it out in an online debate.
“What I am getting at,” I began, “is there is one thing, above all others, that superheroes are always drawn to do. It is as inevitable as the tides.”
Wraith Knight began to laugh. He’d been a villain longer than Myst and understood.
“Well, is someone going to explain it to me?”
Wraith Knight turned to Myst, holding up one hand, then slammed his fist into it. “Superheroes always, and I mean always, end up fighting one another.”
“Exactly. If my new legion obeys me and quits being villains while my company succeeds in cleaning up the streets and making the city a better place, what will the heroes do? What will the government and other corporations do? Those headquarters, orbiting space stations, underground caves and such cost money. If I bankrupt their supporting companies while charming the taxpayers and politicians, the heroes will be squeezed to the point of madness. Then all we need to do is strike a match and watch the whole system burn.”
Myst nodded. “So you’re going to . . . ?”
“I’m going to strike that match and start a war.”
“How?”
“Easy,” I shrugged. “It’s a sequel, so certain tropes must be adhered to. I’m going to become the goddamn hero.
“. . . Again.”
Chapter Twenty-Six and a Half
Where the Joke’s on You
HA! Just kidding.
Me? A hero again? What kind of novice storytelling is that? Becoming a hero in back-to-back books? No, dear readers, not this time. I’m having way too much fun doing what I do from this side of the hero/villain line.
Gods above and below, could you imagine me in a superhero costume? Granted, I would look fantastic. Not to brag, but I keep in excellent shape for a near middle-aged man. And what I can’t fix with diet and exercise, I fix with my godly power, keeping myself outwardly young and trim. If I wanted to, I could consume entire bags of chips, pints of ice cream, pizza, and alcohol, and not only would I not gain an ounce, I’d even become trimmer.
Starting to hate me yet? It’s OK. I don’t really care for you much either. Since you bought this book, you haven’t reached being loathed by me. But I reserve the right to hate—and target—you once the reviews start coming out.
Heh. Me, the The Shadow Master, a superhero. Could you imagine?
“Hello fellow do gooders, I’d like to introduce our latest addition to the team, The Shadow Master.”
“I hate you all.”
“Ha! Good one, chum.”
“Seriously, I hate all of you. Within the first hour I will have all your secret identities. By the end of the day, I will have the home addresses of all your loved ones. By the end of the week, I will have eroded the structural teamwork of this organization. By the end of the month, I will ensure that each of you has a ‘training accident.’ And by the end of the year, I’ll be selling off your headquarters to an Amazon distribution center.”
“Uh, so . . . want to go on patrol?”
Therefore, I will not be entering the annals of superhero history (and that’s annals, not anal, you dirty-minded weirdos).
Superhero Fun Fact #8
As of 2013, Marvel’s Punisher has killed over 48,000 people. While Wolverine’s count is unknown, he once killed over 52,000 people during the Enemy of the State story arc alone. But, Jean Grey killed BILLIONS as Dark Phoenix.
Go women!
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Where I Teach You a Thing or Two
Allow me this moment to give you a free lesson on villainy. I call this:
Spandex on Spandex: A Superhero War -or- The Cape Waves No More
Preface: Superheroes fight all the time; therefore, there is no true dif
ficulty in causing a fight. Scholars believe there exists something of a psychic feedback loop that runs at a constant through the universes. It is theorized that the energy from comic-shop, fanboy “who would win in a fight” debates conducted in the Prime universe projects across the psychic lines back into the comic universe. Said influence then motivates actions of heroes to combat one another, which then is transferred back into the prime universe in the form of geek media.
Intellectual notation: I personally believe having superpowers is like owning a gun. Once you have all that power at the tip of your fingers, you just have to use it.
Another truism is that superheroes cannot agree on the best way to fight crime, or how to deal with criminals. Superheroes by nature have a constant need to be right, and to insist that their form of justice prevails over other beliefs. This in turn creates inter-team and cross-hero rivalries. This tension builds over time until a release of pent-up aggression is expressed in the form of hero-on-hero combat.
Therefore, causing superheroes to fight is not difficult per se. But if one proposed not a fight, but rather a war, then certain steps must be taken to bring about the superhero war to end all wars. When such a war is waged, regardless of victor, the superhero community is never the same, as it is broken at its core and requires massive feel-good issues, fan service of the highest mouth-to-posterior possible, or a reboot, to continue.
How to Cause a Superhero War Step One: Reduce Crime
Seems self-explanatory, but it honestly isn’t. One cannot simply remove all crime at once. First, because it is near impossible, short of genocide (which can be creatively fun). Second, it raises suspicion. Think about it, idiot: If ALL crime stopped at once, authority figures would naturally suspect something big was coming, and that would ruin your plan right off the bat. So, instead, you gradually lessen crime. Let the heroes think they are winning. Trust me, it’s part of the plan.
How to Cause a Superhero War Step Two: Turn the Media Against the Heroes
While basking in their glow of reduced crime, superheroes become like couples who fart in front of one another: complacent and doomed to fail. If you say “No, we fart in front of one another, and we’re fine,” I offer you this piece of advice (after laughing at you): Look at your partner’s web surfing habits. I bet they close their laptops and hide their phones when you seem to be looking. What are they looking for? Porn? A partner, or tryst, who excites them in ways your flatulent ass no longer does?
While in said state of complacence, superheroes get sloppy. Their tactics become reckless, as people tend to when they feel untouchable. They take risks. Sometimes, those risks backfire and people get hurt.
Intellectual notation: If nothing happens that fits the bill, engineer one. A nice public tragedy works. Get creative and use your natural gifts. And if you’re squeamish about animals and children, get over it. Natural selection has always punished the dumb, slow members of the herd.
The news covers the horrible event, whatever it is, and social media explodes. As it does, the masses will begin to turn on the heroes—until the next news story comes along to distract the unwashed. Believe me, superheroes are just like celebrities and politicians in that regard. They pray for the next abusive cop story or natural disaster to distract you.
But what if one could influence the media? Influence lawmakers? If one is a wealthy businessperson, such things are very, very possible. As such, one can ensure that the transgressions of the heroes, no matter how small, be spotlighted and not forgotten by the next horrible thing a Florida resident does next.
Intellectual notation: Seriously, Florida, get your shit together. Every soul-crushing story of humanity comes from your state. Here is literally a sixty-second Google search on the Sunshine State:
Accused Florida man says his cat downloaded child porn, not him
Florida man calls 911 80 times to demand Kool-Aid, hamburgers, and weed
Man says cocaine in his buttocks isn't his
Florida man has sex with pit bull in his yard as neighbors beg him to stop
Florida man attempts to smoke crack in ICU, almost burns down hospital
Florida man bites off neighbor's ear because he wouldn't give him a cigarette
Florida man sent to jail after pouring hot sauce on 3-month-old puppy
Florida woman Faces DUI, child abuse charges after .200 breathalyzer test
Florida woman gives birth to child fathered by 11-year-old
Florida, you’re on notice. But know that if it were up to me, I’d lop off America’s vestigial tail and let you float away. But back to the villain’s plan . . .
With this phase in effect, superheroes will behave like any wounded animal and retreat back to their lairs to lick their wounds and regroup. Which brings me to the next step.
How to Cause a Superhero War Step Three: Remove Their Resources
Superheroes, like welfare, are not a free-of-charge service. The cost to keep a medium-level hero in the field is four to six times what it takes to maintain a death row inmate. The tech, the gear, the training are naturally very expensive. Do you want to know how much a defense contracting company charges for just one supersonic globetrotting jet?
Intellectual Notation: The annual cost to own your own private plane, let alone a comic universe superjet, ranges from $700,000 to $4,000,000. I know because I own one, and it’s worth it not to fly with you poor, ugly hillbillies. If those numbers are too big for you understand, then allow me to put it in context. That annual cost is enough to put 14 to 80 kids through four years of college at an in-state tuition. What’s college, you ask? It’s a place you where you may go to one day . . . to work in the cafeteria or janitorial services. When the DMV or TSA isn’t hiring, that is.
The insurance premiums businesses need to carry to cover the collateral damage from hero battles are astronomical. The subsidies the government has to pay out for cleanup crews are almost as high as the hush money distributed to citizens whose cars, homes, and lives have been destroyed by superhero fights and late-night dalliances.
I know, I know—some superheroes are billionaires who fund not only themselves but also their teams. But those billionaires have shareholders. And the shareholders have other business interests. Find, and squeeze, those interests, and then suddenly, you have invisible votes on the boards who control R&D funds for power-armored assholes.
While the superheroes are still licking their wounds from the media backlash, the bills to keep the lights on in their upstate schools, mansions, and fusion-powered fortresses keep coming. What do they say . . . death and taxes are the only sure things in this world? Well, add utility bills and pushy creditors to the list.
While the heroes aren’t in the field, businesses will wonder why they pay for the extra insurance. Governments and businesses will pull back their funding. And the superheroes? Well, what happens to all children when you take their toys away?
How to Cause a Superhero War Step Four: Give the Masses a New Golden Idol (Remove Crime, Part Two)
With the superheroes at this low point, the time is right to implement a new champion. One could create a new team, but that could backfire and give people and businesses hope in superheroes again. Instead, you create a “human” league of police-force enhancements. Groups of sanctioned peacekeepers. Sanctioned by the politicians you have in your pockets, of course. Give the people a symbol of hope, and they will rally to it. This will not only push the morale of the people up, but it also will crush the already low morale of the superheroes. When a hero who craves the spotlight shows up to assist, the people will curse him, and spit at him.
The trick is, this must be implemented in such a way that a trail leads back to you. This takes a bit of sleuthing, but it can be done. I know, that seems to be foolish, but go with me. You see, the world needs bad guys to operate. Who else is going to make the hard decisions? The world knows this, but refuses to admit it. With that in mind, you lead the heroes back to you.
But you have done nothi
ng illegal.
Immoral? Machiavellian? Vile? Scandalous? Well, yes. All the fun things are. But again, nothing you have done is legally wrong, and the heroes know this. It angers them. It pushes them one step closer to becoming the villains they already are.
As you sit atop your untouchable throne, gloating, lording, acting ever so frustratingly cheery while you subversively rub the heroes’ noses in your metaphorical shit, the people will champion you. And why shouldn’t they? You, not the heroes, have brought peace. You have given the people superhero-like tech to make their lives easier. You’ve shown the people that heroes are not needed when others can do it from within the system. And from this point, things get interesting.
How to Cause a Superhero War Step Five: Divide, Conquer, Enjoy
There exists within every superhero community an unofficially sanctioned splinter group of “dark heroes.” The ones who don’t mind getting their hands dirty. Villains who are card-carrying heroes. And they will come for you. There is nothing you can do to stop it. So instead, be ready for it. Hell, embrace it.
When they come for you, do not resist. Do not monologue. Simply make sure everything is public. Why? Because for every grimdark team of eye-rolling anti-heroes, there are the sunshine-and-virtue teams of justice. And they will come to your aid. These do-gooders believe in “the system.” They will shun the anti-heroes. And then? Well, let’s find out.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Where I Anger a Djinn, Mock Counterculture, and Flick My Own Nutsack
“And that iz vhere vee stand,” Dr. Reality said. “The aggression enhancer has been added to your phone. A simple button push and it vill vork.”
The video hologram of the mad German genius sat across the desk with only minimal flickering and a slight video-to-audio synch issue.