by Grace Helbig
8. “Can I hold these up at the register?”
9. “Are there any additional sales?”
10. “You should subscribe to youtube.com/gracehelbig.”
INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO SAY TO SALESPEOPLE:
1. “Please eat a thousand dicks.”
2. “THIS IS HARASSMENT.”
3. “If you give me that bag, you’re enabling a very serious problem. I hope you’re prepared to handle the consequences of your actions.” [SMOKE BOMB]
4. “How many times a day do people tell you that you look like Gary Busey?”
5. “I need to borrow $30 to buy these pants.”
6. “NO, I DON’T WANT TO START A DRESSING ROOM. AND I DIDN’T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH STEVE, EITHER, BUT HERE WE ARE.”
7. “Carry me.”
8. “The total is $97, you say? I have twenty bucks and an unwrapped, unused tampon. Huh?”
9. “Does my extremely obvious hatred of your hovering make my butt look big?”
10. “You should subscribe to youtube.com/harto.”
the ten commandments
OF ONLINE SHOPPING
One of my favorite sports is online shopping.
It requires a sharp eye, a supple wrist, some psychological stamina, and a complete aversion to any kind of interaction with humans. It’s my version of video games. And with my years and years of training, I’ve developed a set of guidelines to maximize performance. Here are my Ten Commandments of Online Shopping.
1. Thou shalt worship many tabs: My online shopping is never planned. It mostly happens when I see something in a video, in an article, in a pop-up ad, or anything else I’m looking at on the Internet that sparks the shopping fire in me. From there it’s CTRL+T, CTRL+T, CTRL+T, CTRL+T. I open a collection of tabs, combing through a flurry of sites, falling deeper and deeper into their rabbit holes of new arrivals, sale codes, and daily deals. The good thing about freely opening as many tabs as my stream-of-shopping-consciousness wants is that I usually end up psychologically sabotaging myself. I give myself too many choices, which causes me to follow through on zero of them. The act of putting an item in a cart becomes cathartic enough for me to fill whatever void caused the shopping tab spree in the first place. Some might call it carT-thartic. Ha ha! There’s no return policy on that joke!
2. Thou shalt look through reviews and images: Just like profile pictures on dating websites, clothing in online stores might look eXTremeLY different in real life. If there are customer reviews or real customer photos available to look through, DO IT. Recently, I’ve used the website Rent the Runway, which allows you to rent highend designer clothing for much cheaper than actually buying it. That website is fan-f*cking-tastic because it encourages the users to review their rentals honestly and accurately and upload real-life images of themselves in the clothing so that you can see all the wins and sins without distraction. It takes so much of the risk out of committing to an item. Imagine if a potential Tinder match had an honest photo of himself next to his gun collection with the caption “Yes, I’m a successful doctor with an adorable French bulldog named Cheeto, but I LOVe Guns.” It helps you make a clear decision.
3. Thou shalt not take their convenience in vain: We shop online because it’s convenient. Because it’s comfortable and user-friendly. We can take our time, there aren’t any store employees asking us if we need help, offering us dressing rooms, or silently judging our choices with their eyes from the other side of the store. Therefore, don’t take your personal convenience in vain. Before you check out, if you aren’t completely sold on everything in your cart, walk away. Not physically, ew! Close the tab, take an hour or a day or a week, and then come back to it and see if you still like and need/want what you’ve picked out. I’ll often go to H&M’s website and see ten items left in my cart from the last time I was hungover or emotionally weak and wanted the pseudo-satisfaction of investing in business clothes. At the time it felt like I was InVesTInG In mYseLF. But I wasn’t. And I can see that now that I’ve stepped away. Remember there’s no pressure to purchase, even though those seizure-inducing pop-ups try to tell you otherwise. Also beware of sites with the one-click purchase feature, like Amazon. They store your credit-card information so you can check out by clicking one button rather than reentering your info. I have “a friend” who’s accidentally purchased items by clicking “check out” rather than “back” on several occasions. She’s a real dum-dum, I know.
4. Thou shalt keep holy the holidays: Holidays are to online shopping what cheat codes are to frustrated gamers. They reduce the struggle. And the struggle is real. Holidays are some of the best times to shop online because discount codes fly like desperate tears on The Bachelor. If you’re in the market for clothing or home goods or, let’s be honest, anything, and you’re about to dive into some dot-com retail therapy, take a second to check your calendar to see if there’s a major (or minor) holiday around the corner. It could make a 40 percent difference for your wallet. Sites love giving discounts for just about anything these days (it gives them a reason to post those obnoxious banner ads on other sites). So don’t overlook the minor holidays, or the holidays that might not pertain to you, for sales and coupon codes on things you need (aka want). Maury Povich doesn’t have to give you a paternity test for you to get a cocktail shaker for 70 percent off on Father’s Day.
5. Honor thy debit-and credit-card limits: Buying things online can feel like a transactional game with made-up money. You don’t hand physical currency to a physical employee, so it can’t possibly be real. Which makes it so much easier to click without consequence. This is when the phrase “buyer beware” becomes too real. Keep those tabs open, but make sure you’re keeping tabs on how much you’re actually spending. With great bargains comes great financial responsibility.
6. Thou shalt not murder: Don’t murder anyone.
7. Thou shalt be wary of hangover recovery: I do some of my greatest Internet-shopping damage when I’m wildly hungover. A hangover is a shame cloud of regret. Thus, when I’m in that state, all I want to do is better myself. And what does that better than things! Hangovers usually encourage me to buy juice cleanses I’ll only drink half of, workout clothes I’ll wear the next time I’m hungover, “goal” clothes I’ll never have the courage to wear and won’t bother to figure out how to return, inspiring books I’ll decorate nightstands with but won’t read, bath bombs and facial scrubs I’ll pile in cabinets, and lipsticks I’ll stare at while wondering what it’s like to be a girl who genuinely loves to wear lipstick. When you’re in a vulnerable state like a hangover, or even a breakup for that matter, try to be as objective as possible about the objects you want in your life.
8. Thou shalt find steals: Holidays aren’t the only time when websites offer discount codes. You know how a website asks you to open an account before you check out and then magically you start getting a daily email from them in your junk folder? Well, some of those emails aren’t junk. I’m not saying you should inspect every email that comes in, because, yes, a lot of them are, in fact, junk. But some of them have daily deals and discounts just for registering. A couple years ago I made a purchase at gap.com and I registered an account. I always try to check out as a guest because I don’t want the spam emails and I don’t want to give out my personal info, but this time I registered. After that, I noticed that every time I went to the website, they were offering me a different percentage off my entire order. One day it’d be 25 percent, the next would be 35 percent, and the next would be 15 percent. They make it feel like a game, and for a human who’s susceptible to scratch-off lottery tickets, it’s a wonderful and terrible game.
Quick tip: If you do a lot of online shopping, I’d suggest making a separate email account to filter those endless promotional emails. It also helps create a catalog of your purchase confirmations so you can access them in one place. It also creates a separation between your “professional” life and your “obsessional” life.
You can also try to Google discount codes
for different stores. My mom told me about this a couple years ago and I was shocked that she knew how to Google anything, let alone discount codes. But she’s successfully used codes she’s found online and the government hasn’t knocked down her door yet accusing her of involvement in some illegal digital scandal, so it seems legit in my book.
9. Thou shalt bear witness to thy return policy: It’s inevitable that some items you purchase online will not live up to the expectations you had for them. Time to return to sender. I’m awFuL when it comes to returning anything I purchase from the Internet. Instead, I’ll rationalize why it’s better (easier) to keep it than to take it back. It’s six sizes too small? I should keep it because my dog can wear it for Halloween. I literally have three pairs of the same platform sneakers sitting in my closet because I accidentally bought three instead of one on topshop.com and I’ve been too lazy to figure out how to return two of them. So this commandment is as much a message to myself as it is to you. Before you check out, check out the return policy. A lot of places allow you to return items in store, which I know goes against the idea of shopping online in the first place, but it can end up being the easiest solution in the long run if you have an issue with an order. Also websites have varying restrictions and policies, so it can’t hurt to keep yourself aware.
10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor’s possessions: Don’t feel ashamed if you feel mega envious of someone’s outfit on Instagram or someone’s accessories on Snapchat. It’s not jealousy, it’s inspiration. Pinterest could be considered the most polite burn book of all time, but instead we consider it one big vision board. One of the biggest ways I learn about new online shops and trends is through social media. By watching “favorites” videos on YouTube or browsing Instagram’s “explore” page, I learn about all different types of products and people and places. I don’t like to call it “stalking,” I like to call it “style studying.”
CLEANING OUT YOUR CLOSET FLOWCHART
the seven deadly sins
OF TRAVEL STYLE
Traveling is what separates the businessmen from the adult babies.
I’ve traveled a lot over the past ten years, and because of that I’ve developed my own sense of travel style. It’s one part giving zero sh*ts and six parts sweatpants. The rules of fashion go out the window when you travel, so style is anyone’s game. Through many of my own trials and tribulations, I’ve developed the Seven Deadly Sins of Travel Style. These are the sins we commonly commit when we get dressed to go.
Pride
Sometimes we let our vanity make our decisions and end up thinking we’ll be fine traveling in our fancy clothes. Wrong. Travel is uncomfortable by default, so the least you can do is give yourself some breathable fabric and a fighting chance. Even if you have to head directly to a formal event when you get out of your plane, train, or automobile, there are small things you can do to create a more comfortable scenario.
Pack thick travel socks or slippers.
Pack a “travel costume”—comfortable clothes you can change into mid-trip and change back out of just before you arrive.
Make sure to bring the Travel Trinity: dry shampoo, deodorant, and toothpaste.
Envy
Before you walk out your door, schedule fifteen minutes to assess your gear. Do you have/need underwear, socks, a sweatshirt, a jacket, an umbrella, your passport? It’s extra uncomfortable to toss and turn while trying to fall asleep only to look to your left and see a stranger living for their neck pillow. You know, that thing you forgot. Preparation is always in style.
Gluttony
I don’t know about you, but when I travel I treat myself. I say I’ll travel “healthy” and “wholesome,” but when push comes to shove, I will push and shove people to get French fries on my layover. I make sure to pack clothes with a little extra give for my getaways. Why create extra reasons to feel self-conscious by packing only body-hugging options? There are plenty of fancy sweatpants in the world that can be accessorized into a stylish ensemble.
Lust
When I travel, my cash becomes Monopoly money to me. It doesn’t seem real, so buying clothing I’m lusting after in foreign lands is fiiiiiiiine. But be careful! Not only do you need the funds to back up your thread thirst, you need the space. At this point it’s embarrassing the amount of times I’ve had to buy an extra bag when I’m away just so I can fit all the other stuff I bought without thinking. Don’t always trust your lust.
Anger
At home I usually pack an assortment of mix-and-match options so my traveling self can create outfits when I get to my destination. I always think I’m doing myself a favor by allowing myself future fashion freedom. This way, I can see how I’m feeling when I get there and choose something suitable, rather than trying to predict what I’ll feel best in. But that’s not really why I use this method. The reality is that when I’m packing, I don’t want to make any decisions, so I leave my wardrobe open-ended for my traveling self to figure out. But the problem with this is that my packing self and my traveling self are THe same seLF. Once I’m in my hotel, I still can’t make decisions and hate everything I’ve packed. To avoid this I need to pack with more specific ensembles in mind. When I give myself too many wardrobe options, I also give myself the option to get angry. Which is not a good look. Neither is an existential crisis.
Greed
It’s extremely easy to want to bring aLL THe OuTFITs with you when you travel. This is the sin I commit constantly. My brain assumes every possible scenario that could happen in the twenty-four hours I’m away and thinks that I should be prepared. Yes, of course I need two pairs of rain boots—what if I hate one when I get there? Three dresses and a couple of romper options for one night? OF cOurse. I’ve gotten slightly better over the years, but it’s still something I struggle with. Do as I write, not as I might. Try to pack only what you’ll need, with one backup option if necessary.
Sloth
Don’t wait until the last available minute to pack. We both know it’s the worst. You’ll end up at your destination with a single sock, twelve pairs of underwear, and the trench coat you got on sale three years ago but have never worn. Give yourself some time to develop your fashion strategy and then implement the appropriate packing.
THE SWEATPANTS DIARIES #6
Friday, Dec. 25, 2015
Dear Diary,
I can’t believe I found you! I thought I had completely lost you in the chaos and confusion of Black Friday, but THANK GOD you’re alive! I will say you’ve seen better days, no offense, Diary, but at least you’re here! You can’t tell, but I’m hugging you!
So let me fill you in on everything that’s happened. The night before Black Friday, my G-Wind showed up out of nowhere! She came bursting through my door ready to rumble. When I asked her how she knew what was happening, since incoming and outgoing mail for freshmen is a complete disaster the first few months at the MOA, she told me that Dr. Scholls had been filling her in every step of the way. She said she never intended on forcing me into the MWOA, and really wanted me to know this wasn’t a setup. I told her it was kind of a setup, but a setup of the best kind. She kept telling me how incredibly proud of me she was and how she’s always known I had it in me to lead this revolution, but she wanted me to do it on my own. I told her it’d been a lot of hard work, a lot of tears, and, you guessed it, a lot of sweat. But it’s been amazing. As I started to tell her about everything we’ve been doing and all the groups that we’ve been organizing, I felt myself swelling with all kinds of emotions until I finally collapsed on the ground, sobbing.
G-Wind ran to my side and wrapped her wrinkled arms around me. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional. I hugged my G-Wind, sniffling and snuffling, until I suddenly let out the words “I’m just so happy.” And that’s exactly what it was. I finally felt happy. This uprising, though it was intended for the greater good, was lifting me up, it was giving me my purpose, and making me feel like I had value and that I belong. And that’s exactly how I wanted ot
her unwanted wares to feel. Like they had worth. It might seem like the button-up business shirts and six-inch stilettos run the world, but every single one of us has potential and has importance. We all have a purpose.
As soon as I finished my cheesy spiel, I looked up and saw Birk, Rees, and Dr. Scholls standing in my doorway. I immediately felt embarrassed, but the three of them, along with G-Wind, started clapping until Birk finally said, “Are you ready, SOTI? It’s just about time.” I nodded and we all headed out of my storage unit and back to the BFF.
On the way out I could hear Dr. Scholls say, “Hey, Wind, it’s good to see you. You look great.”
“You heeled pretty nicely yourself,” my G-Wind replied. OOF, that’s where I get it from, Diary!
We got to the BFF and it was a frenzy of excitement and anticipation. Dr. Scholls made his way through the commotion of clothing to the mic at the podium—or rather a busted karaoke machine on top of a couple of old Payless bogo shoe boxes. I could hear the start of murmurs in the crowd: “Is that her?” “OMG, I think that’s her.” It sounded like different items had started recognizing G-Wind.
Dr. Scholls spoke softly into the mic. “Everyone, please settle down.” The crowd wasn’t listening. “Please, apparel, I need you to quiet down.” Still no change.
Finally my G-Wind grabbed the mic. “LISTEN UP, FASHION FREAKS. STITCH IT OR BITCH IT. AND IF YOU’RE GONNA BITCH IT, THEN YOU BETTER EXIT.” The room was immediately silent, in pure awe of my G-Wind. I couldn’t help but grin like an idiot.
“Thank you, Wind,” Dr. Scholls said, gently taking back the microphone and continuing. “My fellow surplus. No matter what happens, today we are inspiring change. The Brooks Brothers, as many of you know them, have become the Crooks Brothers,” he said. “They’ve stolen the value from each one of us and they continue to invest it in ‘more desirable designer wear.’ Well, not anymore. Today we take a stand. Today we reevaluate our value. Today we show them that we have more to offer than the price at which they offer us!” The room was riled up and Dr. Scholls was practically yelling like I’ve never heard before. “They can mark down our cost, but they can never take away our inherent worth!” He slammed the mic down and the room erupted with cheers and applause.