Damn you, Brett, I thought to myself.
“Great squiggles,” Brett said as he stood up. I closed my note book and started to gather my things. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you…” he said, and he pulled my hand and wrote his number on the back of it.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“If you need my notes, give me a call,” he said, with a snide look on his face. Then he made his way out of the auditorium without saying another word to me.
I waited for the room to clear a little bit before I made my way out. I really hoped that Brett and I didn’t have any more classes together. I really couldn’t deal with this, it was all too much for me. How much could happen to one person in a single day? Apparently a hell of a lot!
I went through the rest of the day in a bit of a haze. What had happened the night before at the fresher party, with Brett and with Sam was really bothering me. I knew that I should just lighten up but I really couldn’t. There was just something intense about these experiences, and I knew that if I was any easier, I could have been laid, twice, on my first day here. I wasn’t that girl, though. Or at least, I was not ready to become that girl. I really needed to be eased into varsity life.
“How was your first day?” Sam asked me when she eventually came back to our dorm room. I was busy looking at my hand, thinking about whether I should write the number that was now fading on a piece of paper.
“It was interesting,” I said as I wrote the number down. I almost hid it from her, not sure why, though. I hated this conflicted feeling that I was having now. It seemed like I was being pulled in a million different directions all at once, and I was expected to decide which way to go. “Yours?” I asked.
“Exhausting,” she said, and she started to get undressed. I opened my notebook and started to squiggle some more. There had to be something that I could do to distract myself from the beautiful woman undressing in front of me. Never before had I experienced this. I had spent so much time with other naked girls at school, but never had I even entertained the possibility of any of them.
I wondered what it was that had happened to her to make her this way. Every lesbian that I had ever encountered before in my life, in the confined, safe environment that was my hometown, had experienced some or other tragedy, with me. And this resulted in a new and rather vigorous interest in women. I wondered what Sam’s story was.
She left me alone and went to the bathroom. I took my phone and decided to call Brett, not sure why still, but knowing that I had a perfectly acceptable reason for making this call. I needed his notes, and also, a small part of me really just wanted to see him again. Brett didn’t have to know this, though.
“Yellow,” he said, and I almost laughed. I still couldn’t place his accent.
“Hi, Brett, it’s Katia. When you’re done with your notes, do you think I could take a look at them?” I said, trying to sound as casual as I could.
“Sure… I’ll swing by your dorm tomorrow morning. Just text me your block and dorm number,” he said, and then he hung up.
I really felt like I was stuck in the twilight zone. There were so many mixed signals coming at me from every direction. Or maybe I was the one giving the mixed signals. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I just went for a walk!
Chapter Six
I woke up before Sam the next day. I wasn’t excited about Brett’s visit, just used to waking very early. After going for a quick run, I returned to the dorm to find Sam gone. It wasn’t deliberate on my part. I was really not trying to avoid her, anymore. It just felt right to establish my own schedule.
After a quick shower, I started to think about breakfast. There was a decent cafeteria, but that was in the main block of the campus. Going there so early, without a lecture to attend just after, seemed to defeat the purpose.
Just after eight there was a knock on the door.
I checked and rechecked myself in the mirror. I wasn’t dressed nearly as snazzy as I’d seen the other girls dress the day before. In fact, my torn jeans and check-shirt made me look more like a farm girl than I looked even when I was home, on the farm. I didn’t care though. I wasn’t here to impress anyone.
Oh who the hell was I kidding? I wanted to be accepted, now more than ever. I wanted to fit in, and I really wanted to be liked, by Brett at least.
“You’re early,” I said, standing so that there was enough space for him to come into the room.
“I always am,” he said, holding out his notes. He was obviously not going to come in.
“Thanks,” I said, and held the papers close to my chest. I moved an imaginary hair from my face, and looked at him. He looked at me, briefly, and then turned to leave. What the hell was going on here, I wondered.
I closed the door and threw myself on the bed, still clutching the notes. Nothing about university made any sort of sense to me. Thinking of my life back home, I remembered all the boys that showed interest in me. I had ignored them for the most part, thinking that there was more out there, waiting for me. But now that I was experiencing this more, I really had no idea how to navigate it.
“No class today?” Sam asked me as soon as she noticed me on the bed, looking like she was in a terrible rush.
“I go in later. Is this what it’s going to be like?” I asked her, needing to talk to someone.
“What?” she asked right back, digging in her cupboard. She must have forgotten something.
“University? There just seem to be so many things happening at once. How do you handle it all?” Sam was as good a person as any to let out the frustration that I was experiencing. She was actually the only person I knew, well enough to ask these things of anyway.
“Relax. We’re all new to this. Some of us just come from bigger cities than you, so it appears that we have it together. We really don’t. Talk later?” she said, seeming to speak in one continuous sentence. Then she was gone.
I guess I was panicking for absolutely nothing. We were all first year varsity students, and we all had a lot to figure out. No matter how put-together the other students were, they must also have their own sets of insecurities, I knew. I really needed to speak to my mother, but the last thing I needed was for her to think that I was not coping, so soon into my freedom.
“Hello mom,” I said, when I had figured out what I was going to say to her.
She was very excited to speak to me, and went on a long tangent about life back on the farm. This made me miss home even more, but instead I feigned excitement at her many tales, and then proceeded with my own short story about the last two days, minus some of the more pertinent details, of course. I had never discussed boys with my mother, and certainly not girls. And this was not the platform for this discussion, not yet. She just wouldn’t understand.
Besides, my dad still saw him as his little girl. And, for all intents and purposes, this is exactly what I was. I intended to remain this for as long as I could, too. So no, I was not going to let them know that I was suddenly into boys. I had sort of dated the same guy since the beginning of my high school career, and this was comfortable. Actually, I let them think I was dating him, and he let his folks think we were a couple.
We were actually best friends, which is why it was so easy for us to separate when we were both accepted to universities so far on opposite ends of the country. We were still going to be in contact, and I actually made a mental note to call Greg as soon as I was done with my mother. The familiarity of his voice would be nice.
By the time I had finished with my calls I decided to walk around the campus, to get my bearings, and to grab something to eat. Brett’s notes would wait. If he asked me for them later, in class, I would tell him that he could come and get them from me, when he wanted them.
I knew that this was not going to happen though, because the pieces of paper that he brought to me were actually copies of his notes, something that I noticed only when I had gone back to my room after my last class. He was in the lecture, but sat far away from me. So far that I
didn’t even greet him.
So what, I thought to myself. There was a whole campus of Bretts, and I wasn’t about to let one boy let me come undone. There was also Sam, but I figured that I would take control of this situation, finding out what her story really was.
I was actually more than a little interested to hear what her tale would be!
Chapter Seven
Weeks went by, though, without us broaching the subject. Things had gotten easier between me and Sam, and I was sort of kind of over Brett. He hovered over me, but not intrusively. There was just a certain level of comfort between all of us, and I had started to make a few other friends. Campus life had become rather acceptable, and so I was really okay.
“Settled in nicely?” Brett asked me over my shoulder as I took a bite from my burger at the campus pub.
“Wow, a little late for that…” Sam said, Lucia squinting over her own mouthful. Lucia was a stunning African American girl, more Sam’s friend than mine, but I had learned not to ask too many questions. I had actually learned not to ask any questions at all, which worked out quite nicely for me.
“Oh shut up,” Brett said, and he lifted me out of the seat. I got up and followed him to an empty table just a little ways down.
“Yes, I have,” I said, answering the question before he repeated it.
“And, still playing hard to get?” he asked, Brett squinting now. He really was very handsome. But he wasn’t so handsome as to make me come completely undone. I was learning to get a handle on my hormones, thankfully.
“I’m not playing at anything,” I smiled, thinking of my meal. I really didn’t mind eating in front of a guy, or anybody for that matter. This was one of the perks of growing up on a farm, with brothers, and farm hands, and a father like mine. I was really not too precious about basic things like eating, or even sweating.
“So, you just don’t like me?” he asked, looking rather defeated.
“I like you well enough, just not like that,” I say, getting up. I really just needed to get back to my food now, and the conversation we were having. Lucia, I noticed, had a way of getting Sam rather vocal, and I suspected that she might be forthcoming with her story tonight. The conversation was really going that way, and I wanted to get back to it, quickly.
“Oh, my heart,” he said, holding his heart, motioning like a dagger was piercing straight through it. Even for a girl from the sticks like me, this was a remarkably overused cliché. I left him alone at the table, but not for long. By the time I had gotten back to our table, there were a few other students seated next to him. He was very popular, and this was one of the things that I found slightly off-putting.
“So, Brett?” Lucia asked before I sat down.
“He really is nobody,” I said, getting comfortable again in front of my burger. I looked from Sam to Lucia, and back to Sam. I hoped that we were about to share, but the environment wasn’t conducive with any sort of intimate sharing.
“Let’s pick up a bottle of wine or two and go back to our dorm…” Sam said. I knew she meant grape juice, sparkling of course, and some snacks. We were going to have an all-nighter, I assumed correctly. There had been a few of these over the last couple of months, but I have never really been involved.
Tonight, I thought that I would be, in the conversation at least.
We passed the supply store, a local dive that stocked up all the campus favorites, crisps, cookies, juices, brownies. Real comfort food. I hoped that comfort food tonight would translate into conversation food. Still, I was sure that I wouldn’t press. I wouldn’t have to, though, I knew. Lucia was here, and they had shared more than I think they both wanted to on the many nights of not-quite-slumber parties. Maybe the addition of me to the mix would be just the catalyst needed for a complete reveal.
“Let’s settle on the floor,” Sam said, already pulling her mattress off the bed. I pulled mine off the bed too, and we joined the two in the center of the room. I through sheets and covers over the combined raised flooring, while Sam and Lucia put our snacks into bowls.
We settled down comfortably on the floor, in various stages of undress. I was the most dressed, pajama shorts and a tiny tank. Lucia and Sam wore campus t-shirts and the tiniest panties. It was comfortable, though, and I wasn’t intimidated. There was no way for anything sexual to happen here, I hoped. Sam seemed to have resigned herself to the fact that we were just roommates.
I thought briefly of Brett. And then I thought of the other guys on campus that had caught my attention. Yes, they were hot, but I had sort of decided that I would put boys off until next year. In my second year I would be more comfortable, more relaxed, and more ready to mingle. If not though, I would leave it for my third year.
I wondered how I should restart the conversation that we were so close to having at the pub again, watching Sam and Lucia throw Whispers into each other’s mouths. Sam tried to throw a Whisper into my mouth, but she missed. She tried a few more times, and then stopped. I knew she blamed me for her lack of aim. I knew I was to blame for not positioning my mouth just right.
“So, the semester is almost over,” Lucia said.
“Yes, and I don’t feel like we really know each other,” Sam said, and I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or to her friend. I knew she was referring to me though, but this was not going to be that conversation. I didn’t know her too well either, and I really wanted some hints into her psyche. Anything that would let me know what her reasons for her sexual exploration and dare I say, liberation, were.
Chapter Eight
“Okay, I’ll go first,” I said, trying to think of a story that I could tell, or make up, that would be engaging, and leading.
“No, me first,” Lucia said. She lay on her stomach and sipped slowly on her glass, making it look even more like wine. Thankfully it wasn’t, though. I didn’t know why I was so anti-drinking. I don’t think I was, just that I knew that I was still too young for this indulgence.
“Okay let’s hear it. Tell us something that you have never told anybody before,” Sam said.
“I’m still a virgin,” she replied, quickly. We weren’t shocked, not really. Or maybe we were, but we hid it very well.
“Really?” I asked, knowing that I myself was a virgin. But I was obviously a virgin, so I knew this story, or rather this confession, wouldn’t carry any weight.
“Really. I just haven’t met anybody that I want to lose it to, you know. I’m also not sure if I want to lose it to a man…or… a… woman,” she said, adding spice to her confession so that both Sam and I sat up just a little bit more.
“The plot thickens,” Sam said, and she almost winked at her. I knew that something had happened between the two of them, but I wasn’t sure how far it had gone. I knew that Lucia was still intact, though, and this made me wonder, more deeply, what two women did when they got together.
It was my turn now, though, and I knew that I needed to make my story interesting, at the very least.
“I’ve always wanted to be involved in an orgy,” I said. I don’t even know where that came from, totally catching myself by surprise.
“What?” Lucia asked, and I looked away. I was a little embarrassed, but not really. I had no idea what the dynamics of an orgy were, and what the repercussions would be of engaging in this activity, but I had already said it. I didn’t have any answers for these follow-up questions, though.
“It’s true. I’ve always been intrigued by the thought of it. I don’t think I would ever to do it, but the thought has always fascinated me. And that’s all I’m saying about that!” I concluded, and looked at Sam. I really hoped that she would have the best story. She really was a good storyteller, but I hoped that the story that we would be told now is the truth.
“I have been involved in an orgy,” Sam said.
It was Lucia and I who sat up now, propped up with intrigue. We really wanted details. Perhaps this was the best segue into her past. I hoped it was. I really hoped it was. Please, lord, let it be!
“It was two girls and one guy. I was the second female. It was interesting,” she continued, and then she paused, long.
“Dish girl, come on. You can’t leave us hanging,” Lucia said. She seemed to be more interested than I was in this story.
“Patience, my dear,” Sam said, and she sipped slowly on her drink now. I also sipped my own grape juice, as anxious for her to continue, but saying nothing towards this end. I knew that she would make us wait if we insisted, just for dramatic effect.
“I enjoyed the woman more than the man,” she said, before adding, “and that is all I’m going to say about that!”
So there really wasn’t a backstory to this lesbian thing. She was just presented with two possibilities and she realized what she liked, what she really wanted. I was a little disappointed. I really wanted there to be more to this that just that. I hoped there would be.
But, apparently, not!
“There’s just something about being touched by a woman. Something about touching another woman. Men are aggressive, you know. They are hard, in more ways that are obvious. I hate men.” Okay, she was giving a little more detail. If we don’t push her, I thought, she would be even more forthcoming.
“I don’t hate men,” Lucia said. She was feeding herself Whispers now, and it looked like she also had a few pertinent pieces of information to add. She didn’t, though.
“I do. They take what they want, and they don’t give you a choice. And then they leave you to recover on your own, discarded like a wet rag.” Sam really was hurt, and I hoped that she would stop talking now. There really was no need for her to continue. I hated the fact that I wanted this story, now. Regret mixed with concern inside me and I just wanted to hug her.
We chatted about lighter subjects for the rest of the night, and fell asleep on the makeshift bed, all three of us. We sort of held each other, and sort of didn’t. It was a very comfortable situation, and I was happy. The end of the semester was really fast approaching, and I realized that I had, at last, made friends. I hoped I had, at least, because this would make the second semester a whole lot more bearable.
Double Grades Page 17