Leona's eyebrows raise. Again, I'm reminded of how stunning she is, with those wide cheeks, those delicate features and that light brown hair. It's so bizarre how both women can look so different yet be so astonishingly attractive. And it's super frustrating that I'm attracted to both. I imagine how Leona might look with blonde hair, the same color as mine, and I like the image. Maybe too much.
“I remember those,” she says, accepting the tarts from me. “You used to make them... when we were...”
“Yeah,” I say. I sit on her bed as she begins to chew on what used to be her favorite thing to get from me, my mouth dry, my hand trembling slightly. “Listen. I just... wanted to apologize. I never wanted something like yesterday evening to happen. I didn't want to put you two at odds.” I sigh. I know I'm messing this up, but she sits there patiently, listening to me. She's less volatile than Jaimie that way, more mature. However, I say that, and then remember her outburst from the other day. That was jealously, a colder form than Jaimie's. “I really thought it was over. You never gave me a reason to hang on, you know?”
Leona holds up a hand, stemming whatever other words threaten to spill out of my mouth. “Look. Don't worry, Lola. Something like this was bound to happen. I did push you away. I know I did. I understand. Less so about it being my sister – but I don't want to talk about that, or the fight. What I do what to know is what you've been up to.” She affords me a smile. The kind capable of melting hearts and peeling off panties.
I echo it, relived to see that smile. She has a sunny one, capable of melting away bad thoughts and negative emotions. “I suppose I can settle with that.”
So, we talk. We go over everything that has happened since our separation. Leona, lying on the bed with her legs curled up slightly, exposing a hint of stomach, makes my mouth water at the thought of kissing it, and I have to rein in my thoughts and ignore the seductive essence of her, with her familiar coconut and fresh laundry smell that I've always loved inhaling. It's not easy, because I've seen her naked before, I've felt her skin against mine – and she allows me in her far more than Jaimie does, perhaps because she's more trusting. Or perhaps because we were long time friends before we started dating.
She had, after all, been open about her sexuality, while I hid in the closet through my tenure at school.
She tells me about the tours, about making sergeant, though she avoids some of the worst details about what she's seen. In return I tell her about college, about my cranky psychology teacher and how my best friend, Katie, got married last fall with the same guy she's been dating since middle school. I tell her of my issues with some of the lectures, and of barely scraping the grade – and I only briefly drop about my relationship with Jaimie.
In fact, I avoid most talk about Jaimie, because I want to focus on Leona – the girl I once loved. Jaimie had her time last night. This time is for Leona, to understand the mysteries that surround her. Soon I'm lying beside her, laughing and giggling, and it's as if she's never been away. It makes me sad, in a way, because I had always believed that we would stay together, maybe even get married one day, but I can't do that now. I'm with Jaimie. Jaimie is different, but she hits something else in me.
Leona makes me light and reminds me of my innocence. Jaimie allows my darkness to be accepted, and the cravings inside to be sated.
“I really missed you, you know,” Leona says, her voice dipping low. Her body moves closer to me, and our legs touch. A thrill of delicious, scandalous excitement courses through me. I move closer as well, tugging at my shoulder, watching as Leona's eyes dip to my chest.
I'm flirting with her, and I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. “I missed you too. I missed all our talks. How we could be with each other.”
I can feel my arousal building. My panties are wet, uncomfortably wet, and I use it as a wake up call. Time to leave. I want this, and that's a big enough signal to run for it. I quickly wind up the conversation, saying that I ought to get back home now, but just as I roll off the bed, ready to go, Leona grabs me by the hand. Thrill undulates through me, and I shiver. I don't shake off her hand. It becomes conveniently paralyzed. I'm transfixed by her gaze.
“Lola, wait.” Icy blue eyes pierce me as she pulls me close, and plants her lips upon mine. I sigh, and indulge in the kiss, unearthly ripples of desire running over my skin. Fuck. My body reacts, my breasts ache, and I know for certain that I still love her, and I still want to feel her body pressed against mine. I engage in the kiss, wrapping my fingers in her fine brown hair, inhaling the wonderful scent of her, picking up the rhythm of our lips together that I had never quite forgotten.
“I never stopped loving you,” she whispers on my lips. The hint of a tongue probes at my mouth, and I accept her, letting our tongues brush one another. She pulls apart then to say, “I made a mistake, cutting you off as I did. I knew it was wrong the second I saw your face crumple. But I couldn't take my words back. I couldn't sleep at night, though. I really couldn't.”
“I had no idea,” I whisper, sadness infusing me. If she had told me this. If I had known... would I have ever ended up with Jaimie? It's a horrible thought, but an honest one.
Maybe I wouldn't have.
Or maybe I would.
“I don't intend to make the same mistake again, Lola. I want you.”
Fuck. I want to cry. To scream. This isn't fair. I love them both. And I can't help thinking, wishing that she had told me how much she regretted letting me go. I launch myself into the kiss with passion, clutching at her hair, and she lets out a high pitched moan, and strokes my back as she reels me in, and I feel her warmth, her desire, years of it bottled up inside. Our tongues duel, and her hand curls under my shirt, brushing and electrifying the skin, and I'm weak, weak for letting this happen, but I want it so much.
With an enormous amount of effort, I pull away from the kiss. Leona's eyes are slightly dazed, like mine must be. I take a moment to gather my senses together. “I'm sorry. I have to go. I shouldn't be doing this.”
“I understand,” Leona says, though there's a note of sadness there. I have to physically fight the urge to just dive upon her lips again, and sink into those glorious blue eyes, and I make arrangements to leave.
I don't know what to do, and it's breaking my heart. If I could, I would just curl up in a corner and sleep, and forget everything.
Instead, as I'm walking home, I text my best friend, Katie. I need someone to talk to on the outside. Someone unbiased and less likely to make my heart thump in pain.
I know I'm selfish, because I want them both. But I have to choose.
Chapter Four
I don't tell Jaimie about the kiss. I can't. I know it would destroy her, and she doesn't deserve this – not after everything she's had to put up with. Jaimie acts as if nothing is wrong when she comes back to our apartment. I worry she can see the guilt on my face, or smell the betrayal emanating from my pores, but she doesn't. She simply kisses me, tells me she loves me, and we spend the evening playing card games together. I appreciate it, because although I love her taking me, I think she has the capacity to drain me dry and leave nothing left, from all the pleasure that has raged and burned inside.
Katie met up with me the next day, during my lunch break at college. My best friend, married to her George Pye (I'm not ashamed to admit I've had a few laughs at the expense of his surname), greets me with a bounce to her step and the vibrant, glossy aura of someone extremely content with her life. I hug her and we line up at the college canteen, both of us snaring the lasagna, one of the godliest things the dinner ladies can cook up in their enormous kitchen.
We sit opposite each other, ready to eat, and she leans forward, red hair tumbling over her shoulder. “Okay, so. Spill. Leona's back in town, and Jaimie and Leona are hissing away at each other over you, right?”
“Kind of.” I absently play with my fork, before digging into the steaming lasagna. Where to even begin? “Leona says she never stopped loving me. And it makes me feel awful, because
I loved her. I still love her.”
Katie finishes chewing on her food. “Well. If that's the case, why not just get back with her again?”
My bottom lip trembles as I sift through my thoughts and wild emotions. “It's not that easy. I was so mad and upset that she left, you know? I hated her bullshit excuse to me. I didn't understand. My mind went to horrible places. And, well, with Jaimie, though she was kind to me – I admit I started dating her as a way to get back at Leona.”
It's true. Though I gradually grew attracted to Leona's older sister, I can't deny the ulterior motives that went into the selection of my next partner. I mean, no one in their right mind would go for a relative of the person they love, right?
Someone thirsting for revenge might.
Katie nods. “I suspected as much. Though you always claimed you can't control who you fall in love with.”
I laugh bitterly. “Yeah, well. It came to bite me in the ass, since the fucked up thing about this whole situation is I love Jaimie. I genuinely do. She's something special. I just... I never stopped loving Leona, either. And Leona's back.”
Katie takes a moment to digest the news. “Well. You have to choose. There's always gonna be one you love more than the other.”
“That's the thing. I'm not sure about that. They both fulfil something different in me. I...” I shrug helplessly. I don't know how to express it, to put it into words for Katie to understand.
“Sounds like you're pretty fucked then, if you don't choose.”
“Yeah,” I agree, heart heavy.
The conversation was supposed to make me feel better, to bring clarity to my thoughts.
Instead, I'm left more confused than before. There are still no answers for my predicament. I'm still torn between these two women, and I'm afraid they're going to murder each other before the month is through.
They're both just so damn wedged in my heart, and it doesn't help that I never let go of Leona. Even when I was with Jaimie, the unresolved nature of my last relationship kept hooks on my heart.
I wonder if I can look Jaimie in the eye and admit that.
Chapter Five
Naturally, because my life is spiraling into a state of confusion and ruin, I do the one thing I'm good at. I sink into denial and completely avoid talking to Leona, or having any sort of contact with her – the reverse of what she did to me.
I'm with Jaimie, and I can't screw up the good thing we have running between us, just because Leona is back in town. I know that if I meet up with Leona, things have a strong chance of progressing from a nice talk to a passion fuelled sex-fest, and I would rather not cause that situation to occur, because I'm too weak-willed to resist.
I know my heart craves Leona, and it scares me.
My attempt to avoid talking to her lasts about a week. It's childish and stupid, ultimately, to avoid her like this, because we're in the same area, and we are going to bump into one another at some point. Unless I dramatically grab the next flight out of here. Plus, the longer I deliberately avoid Leona after that hair raising kiss we shared, the more she might take it onto herself to come over, get into a fist fight with Jaimie, and try to swoop me away.
I have to sort out this mess once and for all. No amount of comfort eating and pretending the issue doesn't exist will prevent the fact that it does. I have to tell Leona that this can't happen again, that we can't kiss, that I'm with Jaimie. And I love her, and that we just can't, because it wouldn't be fair. No matter if I never let go of my former attraction to Leona.
When I turn up at Leona's place again, both her mother and step-father are out. We are alone in the house, and when she greets me, sheer delight illuminates her expression, along with her inviting me in. I follow her to the bedroom, and she closes the door behind me, arm momentarily brushing past my hair in the process. It sends a surge of electricity down my spine. She's beautiful, as always, with her long brown hair streaking past her shoulders, her icy blue eyes alight in a cold fire as she scrutinizes me. Her clothes are revealing, showing the perfect, muscular curves of her body.
Since when had Leona gotten so strong? She used to be weaker – much weaker than Jaimie, than me. The hint of muscle surprises me, and I find myself staring for far longer than intended, before snapping out of the reverie.
Before my brain has updated itself to present events, Leona leans forward and her lips whisper against mine. My cheeks flush, my breath stutters, and I'm already drowning in the kiss. My resolve is crumbling into ashes with frightening speed, and I know if I let her continue, I'll be in bed, and I'll be inside her. I push her back with lethargic arms. I force myself to speak. “Leona, there's something I need to tell you.”
Leona's face stiffens slightly, but she nods, moving back and reclining herself on the bed. “Go on.” I see something building up behind her eyes, as if she is frosting over like an iceberg, and it makes my heart twitch painfully.
“I love you.” I hasten to explain, even as Leona's eyes gape in astonishment, “I really do – I didn't stop loving you just because you went. But, the thing is, I'm with Jaimie, now. And I love her. I'm committed to her. No matter what I feel for you – what happened between us – this isn't fair on Jaimie. I can't do this. You left. I moved on. Can you blame me for that?”
I'm babbling, stuffing as many words as I can into my mouth, scared and thrilled at Leona's soft expression, the ice thawing behind her beautiful features. I have to get this across. I have to do it before something happens that I might regret.
It's already happening, my mind hisses.
“I should never have let you go.” Leona lets out a wistful sigh. “Never. I didn't think though you'd go for my sister. And it hurts. It really fucking hurts.”
“You hurt me too. I was so mad, Leona. I wanted you to speak to me so badly. I wanted you to answer your phone, answer your emails, and you never did!” The anger and bitterness rip through me, and an echo of that despair returns, lodging in my throat. “You left me!”
“I know I did! I thought... I thought it was the best thing to do. I couldn't keep you just waiting there for me, could I? I could have been years serving. You would have been lonely all that time and I couldn't have done that to you!”
“Why not just ask me, you stupid bitch,” I cry, now falling to my knees. The emotions are too much. The sadness and rage mix together in an unholy cocktail that threatens to explode. Why couldn't she? I missed her so terribly. “I wouldn't have minded or cared that I needed to wait. I would have waited!”
“Lola,” Leona says, her voice hoarse as she closes the short distance between us. “I miss you. I need you. I can't stand it. I have... I need...”
Before I try to stop her, not that I think I could have, she's on me again, her lips locked onto mine, and her arms wrap around so our bodies are flush together. I accept the embrace, I become like water in her grasp.
“I miss you too,” I whisper back, and our fates are cemented. Longing and desire floods inside, and I can't take it. I need her, I miss her, and I'm the worst person on the planet because I'm not going to stop her.
Her long hair enveloping me, she guides us to the bed and lowers me down onto it. She's gentle, and her limbs tremble in excitement along with mine as she leans onto the bed. Her body is stronger than I remember, her actions more assured as she hooks her fingers under my shirt and glides over my skin. I hug her and kiss and kiss, not wanting to stop, not wanting her to stop. I could drown in the moment, float away like a leaf on a river as she spends the time remembering my body. She touches me in the places that make me gasp. Her long fingers have a roughness about them not formerly there, and I marvel at the sensation, even as I'm tugging off her shirt. How often had I dreamed of this? How much did I want her to come back, tell me she had rethought her words, and that we belonged together, after all?
She does the same to me, and whispers, “I've been waiting for this for so long...” She caresses my lips, tugging at the bottom one lightly with her teeth, before taking off my bra
and shirt, so our bare chests can push, and our skins collect goosebumps with the contact. Oh, Leona. Why do I have to feel this.
Why can't I just stick to one person?
I reach down to take off her pants and panties, and she wrestles with me as well, and we end up kicking off the rest of our clothes so we can plunge down and tangle our naked bodies together.
This feels so wrong yet so right at the same time. I remember every curve, blemish and scar upon her skin, even after three years apart. I've been with her a shorter time than Jaimie relationship wise, but Leona and I were smack bang in the middle of our honeymoon period when she ended up leaving – and now it's like we're picking up exactly where we dropped off. She murmurs I love you into my ear, and then her hand moves from my breasts to my core like a heat seeking missile, to plunge into the warmth there, and I gasp, and shiver, and tug at her hair. Her fingers work at me, hitting the perfect spot inside and mewling sounds came out of my throat. She doesn't want to tease. She wants me to come, she wants me to explode.
Double Grades Page 83