But eventually, he felt her small hands pushing at his shoulders, her lips pulling back from his, and the realization that she wanted to end the kiss finally registered in his fuzzy brain. Slowly, he lifted his head to gaze down at her, and the sight of her pink, puffy lips had him groaning with desire.
“I’ve been wanting to do that again ever since I kissed you the other night,” he confessed, as his hands gently kneaded the flesh covering her shoulder blades.
A rosy color spread across her cheeks, and Russ wondered if she’d never had a man speak such things to her. She didn’t kiss as though she was entirely inexperienced, yet there was a shyness about her that said she wasn’t accustomed to being in a man’s embrace.
“Is that why you brought the meal down here to eat with me?” she asked, her low voice faintly accusing. “You had this planned?”
He smiled at her. “You know me well enough to know that I’m not a calculating man.”
Her gray gaze slowly searched his face. “You’re not an impulsive one, either. So maybe you should explain what this is all about.”
Her question didn’t surprise him. It was only natural for her to wonder about this sudden change in his behavior, yet that didn’t make him any more prepared to give her an answer.
Raking a hand through his tumbled hair, he eased away from her and rose to his feet. She quickly followed and stood only inches away, facing him, waiting for him to speak. But in all truth, Russ wasn’t in the mood to talk. For the first time in years, he wanted to make love to a woman and he didn’t want anything to interrupt the feeling, the hot desire that had been lost to him for so long.
“I can’t explain, Laurel. If I said I could, I’d be lying,” he said honestly.
She looked at him for a moment longer, then with a frustrated groan, she turned her back to him. “You’re ruining everything, Russ. All these years we’ve worked so well together. And now we’ll never be able to go back to what we had. I hate you for that. Really hate you.”
“Laurel! How could you say something like that?” Moving closer, he wrapped his hands over the tops of her shoulders. She wasn’t a fragile woman. She was tall and strong with just the right amount of fleshy curves, and yet she felt so delicate and vulnerable. And he suddenly realized just how much he wanted to protect her, to keep her happy and safe.
“You just kissed me like you wanted to kiss me. Not like you hated me for doing it,” he gently reasoned.
With her back still to him, she bent her head as though she was in agony, and to Russ the hopeless reaction was almost as bad as a slap in the face.
“That’s true,” she said in a ragged voice. “I did want to. But the whole thing is—not good.”
With his hands still on her shoulders, he forced her to turn and face him. “Maybe you should explain what that means,” he said.
Glancing away from him, she let out a helpless moan. “It means—” She paused long enough to swallow. “I don’t want to have an affair with you.”
“Did I ask you to have an affair?”
Her face jerked back to his and he could see his question had embarrassed her. A deep, bright red splotched her cheeks and throat.
“No. But—” She stopped, pressed her lips together, then shook her head. “I realize I sound silly and naive. I know I’m inexperienced with men and going at this all wrong. But I don’t know how else to say it. I don’t want us to have a—personal relationship of any kind.”
“Why?”
That brought her head back around to his, and this time he could see pain in the depths of her eyes, a desolate look that he couldn’t understand or accept.
“Because it would be a mistake. We’d end up hurting each other. And I don’t think either of us wants that.”
“How could you be so certain it wouldn’t work? You have a glass ball that gives you a view of the future? If you do, you’d better throw it away. We’re not supposed to know what’s in store for us—we wouldn’t really be living that way—we’d be robots.”
She sighed, and though Russ had heard her sigh many times before in the past, this sound was different. It came from deep within, and the heavy weight of defeat it carried actually stunned him.
“You don’t understand, Russ.”
Suddenly he was more than a little annoyed with her; he was downright angry. “You couldn’t be more right, Laurel! I can’t understand how a young, beautiful and healthy woman like you could feel so negative, so sorry for yourself.”
She squirmed away from him, and he watched her walk over to the picture window and stare at the blackness beyond the thick plate of glass.
“That’s not true!” she muttered.
“Isn’t it?”
“No!”
He quickly strode over to where she stood and circled his hand around her upper arm. “You told me the other night that no man was worth wasting your time over. Is that the way you feel about me? I thought— We’ve been together for a long time now, Laurel. And I’d be the first to admit that we quarrel and sometimes we even yell at each other. But I’ve always felt like you respected me, even liked me. Have I been wrong all this time?”
Still facing the window, she shook her head. “No. You’re not wrong. I do like and respect you, Russ. I always have. That’s why I don’t want us to ruin everything between us.”
“Why would us getting closer ruin things? It could make them nicer—much nicer,” he said gently.
Once again her head wagged back and forth in a defeated motion. “I’m not cut out to be any man’s wife or girlfriend. I wouldn’t know how to be.”
Before he could ask her to explain such a perplexing statement, it suddenly dawned on him that fear had been laced through her voice. The idea stopped him short, and as he studied the back of her bent head, he realized that he’d always understood that Laurel was different from any woman he’d ever known. He just hadn’t recognized how different.
“I don’t know where that sort of thinking is coming from,” he said tenderly, “and I’m not going to ask you to explain any of it tonight. But I will tell you this. As far as I’m concerned, things are just getting started between us and you might as well get ready to deal with it—with me.”
Whirling around to him, she stared, her lips parted with surprise. “You say you don’t understand me, Russ. Well, I can say the same about you! Why this sudden personal interest in me? You’ve never given me a second look as a woman before. Why now? Now that you’ve sold the clinic and we’ve moved out here?”
Even if he’d wanted to rationalize his behavior to her, he couldn’t. He only knew that something had happened to him that day he’d spotted Brooke dining with her friends. Suddenly snapshots of himself, his life and work began to preoccupy his thoughts. At thirty-eight he wasn’t an old man by any stretch of the imagination, yet he was past the age where most men had settled into a family life with a wife and children.
Russ had been an only child and once his mother died, the only relatives left were a few distant cousins he’d never met and an uncle who had not supplied him with any sense of family connection. The loneliness of his childhood had molded Russ’s outlook on everything, and by the time he’d grown into a teenager, he’d vowed to have himself a big family. He would love them and they would love him back and he’d never be alone. But building a veterinary business and the failure of his marriage had gotten in the way of his dreams.
Seeing Brooke pregnant had reminded him that he was still stuck in the same rut, still working eighty or ninety hours a week and going home to an empty house. Brooke had moved on and she was noticeably happier for it. The fact had opened his eyes wide and clear, and he’d started seeing everything in a new light. Especially Laurel.
Reaching for her hand, he pressed it between his palms. “Let’s just say I’ve decided I want more than what I have now, Laurel. And I’m not talking about money.”
“But wanting me—that doesn’t make sense, Russ.”
With a slight shake of his head, he
bent and placed a kiss on her forehead. “It doesn’t have to make sense,” he murmured. “But I figure one of these days it will.”
She opened her mouth to speak and for a split second Russ was tempted to kiss her again. But now was not the time to push things, he thought. There would be plenty of hours in the coming days to let Laurel know that he wanted her to be more than an assistant.
“Good night, Laurel,” he said, then quickly walked out of the house before the desire to wrap her in his arms pushed away his common sense.
* * *
Laurel slept very little that night. In between fitful dozing, her mind was racing around in all different directions. Russ wanted her? Her! The idea was ridiculous. Even though he wasn’t a sociable man, he was considered a very eligible bachelor in Lincoln County. He had looks and wealth and had just now acquired a prestigious position with a prominent New Mexican ranch. He could have most any woman he set his sights on. One who was beautiful and elegant, one he could be proud to have on his arm and present to his friends and family.
Laurel wasn’t blind. Whenever she looked in the mirror, she knew she was looking at an average woman with no special outward qualities. And as for the insides, she didn’t want anyone, especially Russ, to see the many scars she was carrying. So why would he want her?
When the alarm went off at five, she stumbled out of bed in a groggy, exhausted state. While she quickly made coffee, she wondered how she’d be able to handle a day of work, much less face Russ again. On top of that, today was the last day the clinic would technically still be Hollister Animal Clinic, and that was enough to send her into tearful sobs.
She’d poured herself a cup of coffee and was about to spread jam on a piece of toast when she heard her cell phone alert for an incoming message.
Ignoring her simple breakfast, she picked up the phone and was surprised to see a short note from Russ.
Take the day off and finish unpacking. Maccoy and I will wind everything up at the clinic. R.
Feeling a bit deflated, she carried her meal to the kitchen table. While she sipped the coffee and munched the toast, she told herself it was probably better that she wasn’t going to be at the clinic on this final day. It would be easier to bid farewell like this, away from the man who’d made everything about the place special.
Closing her gritty eyes, she pulled in a deep breath and purposely straightened her shoulders. She’d coped with all sorts of disappointments and trials. She could deal with anything Russ threw at her, she promised herself. Including his bone-melting kisses.
* * *
Later that morning, Laurel managed to push aside Russ’s behavior from the night before, and she got busy unpacking her belongings and storing them away in the many shelves and cabinets she’d discovered throughout the house. By late afternoon, the moving boxes were empty and most everything was in its place, so she decided to take a much-needed break and drive down to the main ranch house.
Since Laurel was familiar with the house, she went straight to the back and through the atrium, where a second door led into the kitchen.
After a quick knock, she stepped inside to find Reena Crowe, the family’s longtime cook, standing at a worktable, chopping vegetables.
“May I come in?” she called as she stepped farther into the warm kitchen.
The cook looked up in surprise. “Laurel! How very nice to see you.”
At the end of her fifties, Reena was still a lovely woman. Petite and slender, she had long salt-and-pepper hair that she braided and wound at the back of her head in an elegant chignon. Her slanted eyes were pale gray—even lighter than Laurel’s gray eyes—and though the woman’s Apache heritage was clearly evident, Laurel had to wonder if some of her family tree was mixed with white blood.
Smiling, Laurel said, “I brought your containers back. Thank you for the delicious meal. It was so thoughtful of you to send it to us.” She placed the sack full of clean containers on the opposite end of the worktable, then reached to give the cook an affectionate hug. “It’s wonderful to see you again. You look beautiful.”
The other woman blushed and chuckled, “I’m past the beautiful stage, Laurel.”
“Not you,” Laurel argued. “And you haven’t changed a bit since I was last here. And that’s been a long time.”
“Not since Alexa gave birth to her first little one, and that was three years ago,” Reena agreed. She motioned for Laurel to sit on one of the high wooden stools near the worktable. “Have a seat. Would you like something to drink? I just made fresh coffee.”
“That would be great. But let me get it. I know where everything is,” Laurel insisted. “Don’t let me interrupt your work. Would you like a cup, too?”
“Please. With cream and sugar,” Reena told her.
After Laurel fixed the coffee and carried it back to the table, the two women took seats on the work stools.
“Mmm. I needed this,” Laurel told her after she’d taken a long sip of the rich brew. “I’ve been unpacking all day.”
Reena nodded. “So how do you like your house?”
Laurel didn’t have to force a smile to her face—it came automatically. “It’s great! I never expected the ranch to supply me with anything so spacious or nice. I’m going to love it.” She glanced thoughtfully at the other woman. “Reena, didn’t your mother live in that house, or am I confused about that?”
Nodding again, Reena said, “Yes. And I lived there with her until she passed away. The Cantrells had it built just for us. That’s how generous they are—and always have been.”
Laurel looked at her with dismay. “Oh, Reena, please don’t tell me you moved out so that I could have a place to stay! I wouldn’t hear of it.”
Laughing softly, Reena waved a dismissive hand at her. “Don’t get worried. I haven’t lived there since Momma died. It was just too hard. I saw her everywhere I looked. You understand?”
Only too well, Laurel thought. Once her sister had died, her father, Nels, and brother, Garth, had been tormented by the sight of Lainey’s room, which Laurel had shared. Nels had immediately started talking about selling the place and moving on. But, thankfully, by the time a buyer had come along, Laurel was nearing the end of her senior year in high school. After that, both men had moved four hundred miles away to Arizona, running from the memories or their mistakes—Laurel wasn’t sure which.
“Sure. I understand. So do you live here on the ranch now?”
“I have a small suite of rooms on the east end of the house. I’m very comfortable there. And with Alex and Quint living elsewhere now and Frankie away in Texas most of the time, no one lives here in the house except Laramie, the foreman of the ranch. And he’s a single man.”
Although Reena had a daughter, Laurel had never met the woman. From what Alexa had told her, Magena had moved away from the family many years ago. Laurel didn’t know the whole story, but there had been some sort of rift over a man in Magena’s life. And as far as Laurel knew, the break had never been repaired between mother and daughter. It was a sad situation, but then Laurel knew all too well about having a splintered family. Sometimes it was impossible to mend them back together.
Keeping her thoughts about Magena to herself, Laurel said, “I’ve not met the foreman yet, but I expect I will soon. Russ and I are going to look over our new work area tomorrow. I hear that Quint has spared no expense to create a small animal hospital for us.”
“Quint has money to burn. And he wants every animal on the place to have the best of care. Plus he’s smart enough to know that having Dr. Hollister here will help Laramie keep things running smoothly.” She slowly sipped her coffee, then glanced thoughtfully at Laurel. “Do you think you’ll like living here instead of town?”
Smiling wryly, Laurel shrugged. “It’s going to be different. But it’s beautiful out here and quiet. I’m going to enjoy that. And I’ll get to ride horses—that’s something I’ll love.”
The woman appeared pleased by her answer. “I’m glad, Laurel. I’m g
lad that you have found a home here. We all need that.”
A home. Even before Lainey’s illness, the Stantons had been far from a picture-perfect family. Her parents had often quarreled, mostly over bills and money. Her older brother had dropped out of high school and drifted from one paltry job to another. Even so, they’d all lived together in the same house and it had been home to Laurel.
But Lainey’s disease caused something to click inside her mother, Stacie. The harried woman had fallen apart and, telling them all that she couldn’t deal with the responsibility anymore, she’d packed a suitcase and left. After that, her father had gone into an indifferent sort of stupor, and Garth hadn’t handled the situation any better. Both men had buried their heads in the sand and pretended that nothing was really the matter with anything or anyone, and had left all Lainey’s care up to Laurel. And once Lainey died, Nels and Garth had kept their distance from Laurel, as though they’d expected that she, too, would develop the illness, forcing them to care for her. It had been a great relief to her when she’d eventually grown old enough to strike out on her own. And she’d been that way ever since—alone and determined to be a better person than the relatives she’d once believed loved her.
“Yes, we all need a home,” Laurel said softly.
Over the rim of her coffee cup, Reena studied her thoughtfully. “I’ve not yet met Dr. Hollister. He must be a very nice man and good at his job. Quint wouldn’t hire a man without those qualities.”
The mention of Russ caused warm color to spread across Laurel’s face, forcing her to look away from the cook’s perceptive gaze. “Russ is an excellent vet. And he’s a very good man, too. Very fair and conscientious.”
“You must enjoy working for him. Alexa tells me that you’ve been at his clinic for a long time.”
Laurel nodded, while wondering what else her friend had told the cook about her relationship with Russ.
Why wonder about that, Laurel? You don’t have a relationship with Russ. And at the rate you’ve been pushing him away, you aren’t going to have one.
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