by Harry Morris
Again the young man approached their table and begged them to let him buy another meal for them, but the old lady answered, ‘No thank you. We’re used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face with the napkin, the young man approached for a third time, focusing on the old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and politely asked, ‘What are you waiting for?’
The old lady looked at him and replied, ‘THE TEETH!’
The Dawn Chorus
…
I was awakened early this morning. The earth lay cool and still.
Suddenly, a tiny little bird flew over, landing on my window sill.
It began to sing a song so lovely, so sweet and oh so gay.
Slowly, all my troubles, my aches and pains began to slip away.
He sang of far-off places, of laughter and lots of fun.
It seemed like his very chirping brought up the early-morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers and slipped slowly out of my bed.
And gently shut the window down and crushed his fucking head …
Sorry, readers, but I’m just not a morning person!
The Notebook Diary
…
PC & WPC Notebook Diary, here, a Saturday in November.
WPC: He was very quiet and subdued, definitely not himself. Something was wrong. He hadn’t kissed me at all tonight.
Not even looked in my direction. I think he’s seeing another policewoman.
I went to my bed and cried for hours! He eventually followed me upstairs later and cuddled me, while I stroked his hair.
He lay still for a while, before we made such wonderful and meaningful love and after it, we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
PC: Scotland lost today, totally gutted … Got a ride though!
Foot ‘n Mouth
…
Several policewomen were out for a girlie night, accompanied by some of their close friends.
One of the women present just happened to be dating a well-known professional footballer.
During the evening, the girls were joined by four older men, who stated they were all involved in a dental practice.
The usual patter was spouted about having lovely teeth and that their dental practice was one of the more reputable ones.
However, the footballer’s girlfriend intimated that she was looking for a good dentist to go to for some cosmetic work.
Quick as a flash, the elder of the four men thrust his hand out and put his finger in her mouth and began probing and pulling on her cheeks, to view her teeth.
Unfortunately, as he was behaving in this totally unprofessional manner, with his fingers in her mouth, her footballer boyfriend had entered the night club.
On seeing this disgusting act being performed on his girlfriend, who appeared disturbed and embarrassed by the entire episode, the footballer rushed over, knocked him to the floor and automatically kicked him full in the face!
The police were called and interviewed everyone involved in the incident, whereby the elder male explained that he was a dentist, hence the reason for putting his fingers in her mouth.
On hearing this excuse for his behaviour towards his girlfriend, the boyfriend stated that he was a professional footballer and had reacted, albeit accidentally, and kicked him in the head when he was on the floor, believing his head to be a ball!
After further enquiries, it transpired that the elder male and his party were all in fact private-hire taxi drivers on a night out, and apart from a cut lip and a few loose teeth, he did not wish to make any complaint.
Mind you, if you are going to go around putting your fingers into a complete stranger’s mouth, it’s a safe bet that you’re going to require to see a dentist the following morning!
A bit of advice, my friend: it’s much safer to be a taxi driver, and just drive them round the bend!
Speeding Kills
…
A farmer received a phone call from one of his farmhands, who blurted out excitedly, ‘I’ve just run over a pig and it’s stuck under the tractor!’
‘Is it still alive?’ the farmer asked.
‘Aye! Still alive. What should I do?’ he said, desperately seeking advice.
‘Right! Just shoot it,’ the farmer said. ‘Then bury it in the field.’
Several minutes later the farmer gets another call from the farmhand.
‘I’ve done that. Now what will I do with his fucking speed camera?’
It’s A Miracle!
…
The police doctor had just finished his examination of a very attractive young policewoman and asked her, ‘Are you married, PW Riley?’
‘No, Doctor, I’m single. Why?’ she replied.
‘Well, have you been sleeping with your boyfriend, Miss Riley?’
‘Oh no, Doctor. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m single and live alone!’ she replied.
‘Well have you been going out with other men on your shift and having a casual sexual relationship?’ he asked.
‘Certainly not, Doctor Campbell, such a thing would be unthinkable and totally out of character for me!’ she responded.
‘Are you sure about that, Miss Riley?’ he said. ‘Bearing in mind that I now have the results of the urine sample back from the lab, do you still say you’ve not had anything to do with any man?’
‘I’m positive! I think I’d know about it if I did! Now may I leave?’ responded a rather indignant Miss Riley.
‘No!’ the doctor replied abruptly.
‘No? Why not?’ she asked.
To which the police doctor replied sarcastically, ‘Because, Miss Riley, at this particular point, I’m awaiting my secretary to ring me through and announce the arrival, in my surgery, of Three Wise Men bearing gifts!’
The Driving School
…
All aspiring Jackie Stewarts and Jim Clarks in the police had to attend a two-week driving course in Glasgow, in order to be taught the system of driving and the theory test, and if you passed it, then you qualified as an expert police driver.
One of the cops on the course was Colin ‘Gallus’ Muir, so nicknamed because everything to him was a dawdle!
Part of the course was to show that you were proficient in the handling of various vehicles – the land rover, the divisional van and any saloon car being used as a panda.
Gallus was performing well, up until the manoeuvrability test, which consisted of a series of emergency stops, driving at speed through a slalom marked out with traffic cones and reversing the vehicle into a garage space, all within a certain time limit.
He drove the course like a seasoned expert, performing his emergency stops, weaving in and out between the cones and then reversing at speed into the garage well within the permitted time. Unfortunately, he forgot to stop in time, and collided with the six-foot-high brick wall at the rear of the garage space, causing extensive damage to the police car and demolishing the wall!
Such careless driving would normally result in an immediate return to beat duties, but after some serious discussion, where scratching of the heads took place, as well as other body parts, it was decided that Gallus had some potential, and therefore would be allowed to continue.
Gallus was not about to let this minor mishap hinder him, and he carried on as before until the final day of his test drive.
As he drove along the road, displaying his expert driving skills to the traffic inspector seated beside him for the test, he was instructed, ‘At the roundabout, go straight ahead.’
Obeying the instructions, Gallus, being Gallus, drove the police car straight over the roundabout, leaving deep tyre tracks on the grass and scattering flower heads and stems as he totally destroyed the decorative flower bed and focal point in the centre!
This was a complete disaster for the driving school test instructor and a manoeuvre that was totally unacceptable from a sober police driver.
This time there was no discussion about it as
Gallus was sent back to his division to walk the beat in disgrace.
Fortunately for Gallus, he was highly regarded by some of the senior officers and, several months later, when all had died down and was back to normal, he was given a reprieve and allowed to return in order to re-sit his driving test.
This time, a wiser Gallus passed the course and final test with flying colours.
However, the embarrassment and humiliation he experienced after his roundabout incident continued to haunt him, and this was most notable when he was the driver and instructed to attend a call in another area of the division. It would take him double the time of another police driver to reach the location, due to Gallus looking for a suitable route that didn’t include roundabouts!
I wonder why?
Get Off My Toe
…
Having followed the last few episodes of Strictly Come Dancing, I thought I would have a go at trying ballroom dancing myself.
I joined a local dance school who were advertising and went along for my first lesson.
The lady running the school spoke very Glaswegian and looked a real rough diamond who was not to be messed with.
During one disastrous attempt at a two-step, I accidentally trod on her toes, several times.
‘I’m terribly sorry, but I’m a little stiff from badminton!’ I said.
To which she quickly responded, ‘And here I thought you were just another clumsy bastard from Glasgow!’
Off Your Head
…
A cop was on desk duty at Pollok police office one night when he received a call from a man who asked him, ‘Has any of the mental patients escaped out of the Leverndale Hospital tonight?’
‘Not that I’m aware of, sir!’ the officer answered.
‘Are you sure about that?’ the caller asked.
‘Why are you asking that?’ the officer said.
To which he replied, ‘Because some bampot has just ran off with my wife!’
Fact or Fiction?
…
Brief scenario as follows: Justin falls over during his school break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Miss Brown, discovers him crying in the playground and gives him a cuddle to comfort him.
Back in the 1960s, Justin would soon feel better after his cuddle and return to the playground to continue having fun.
Present day, Miss Brown would be interviewed by the female and child unit of the police, accused of being a sexual predator, expelled from her position as a teacher and required to resign, stand trial at a court case and face the possibility of three years’ imprisonment with her name added to the sexual offenders’ file.
As for Justin, he has to endure five years of therapy, after which, a year later, he comes out of the closet and announces he is gay!
Fact or fiction?
Trouble Maker
…
On the day that a ned is released from prison for serious assault, after he beat up another male with whom he had been drinking earlier, he re-enters what was his local pub, before his conviction.
The inside has been altered and painted with bright, decorative colours and there is a more camp atmosphere about the place.
But he ignored the décor and sat down on a stool at the bar, where he ordered up his favourite drink: a double vodka and ice with a bottle of Stella Artois.
He sat there at the bar without talking to anyone, ordering up drink after drink.
After he had quickly consumed several drinks, the ned was becoming more and more aggressive as he perused his surroundings.
Suddenly, he climbed up onto the bar and announced to all, ‘Every one of you sitting on the left-hand side of this pub is a pure wanker! Anybody want to disagree with me?’
Not one patron on the left side of the pub uttered a word or made the slightest of movements.
Disgusted with their lack of balls, the ned looked over at the other side of the pub and shouted, ‘Every one of you sitting on the right side of the pub is an out and out poofter! Anybody want to disagree with me now?’
Not one person on the opposite side of the pub moved, apart from a little old man on the left side of the pub who stood up.
‘Hey you!’ shouted the ned. ‘Are you looking for some trouble, wee man?’
‘Definitely not!’ replied the old man. ‘It’s just that I would appear to be sitting on the wrong side of the pub!’
The Chief Constable’s Ball
…
This has absolutely nothing to do with tickets for a raffle!
A young police officer, who had recently completed the Accelerated Promotion Course, obtained a ticket to attend the Chief Constable’s Ball.
Arriving late, he watched as everyone was up on the floor dancing, with the exception of one woman: the Chief Constable’s wife.
Hoping to make an impression, he made his way towards her and politely introduced himself, before asking her, ‘May I have the pleasure of your company on the dance floor, ma’am?’
The Chief’s wife looked him up and down before replying rather rudely, ‘I don’t dance with a child!’
Quick as a flash the young officer responded, ‘My sincere congratulations to you and the Chief Constable, ma’am, I would have thought you were both past the stage of having more children!’
He still looks back at his career and wonders where it all went wrong!
D.N.A. All the Way
…
A ned was apprehended as a suspect for a number of armed robberies around Scotland, whereby a knife had been used, and he was taken into custody.
After being interviewed for several hours by the C.I.D. officers from the area where he was arrested, they were getting nowhere, and so other officers arrived from another police force in order to interview him too.
As each question regarding the robberies was put to the suspect, he sat impassively throughout alongside his solicitor. On the solicitor’s advice, he would only answer, ‘No comment’, to each and every one of their questions.
Finally, one of the C.I.D. officers got fed up and said to the suspect, ‘Right, Mister “No comment”! I’m going to require a sample of your blood, a sample of your stool and a sample of your urine for D.N.A. analysis.’
The suspect immediately looked over at his solicitor and asked, ‘How do they take that?’
The solicitor replied nonchalantly, ‘Just give them your underpants!’
Whereabouts!
…
After a terrorist bomb blast in the centre of London, the emergency services and rescue workers were combing through the rubble when they discovered a young girl covered in blood, but still alive.
‘Where are you bleeding from?’ asked the paramedic.
To which she replied in a broad Glaswegian accent, ‘Govan! But whit the fuck has that got tae dae wi’ you?’
So There!
…
A woman was arguing with her housemaid, and before leaving the room the maid decided to give the woman a piece of her mind in return and tell her exactly what she thought.
‘You might like to know that your husband regards me as a far better housekeeper and cook than you are. He also said I was much better looking!’
The woman remained silent while she continued to rant.
‘That’s not all,’ the maid continued. ‘I’m better than you in bed!’
‘I suppose my husband told you that as well?’ asked the woman.
The maid hesitated before replying, ‘No. The gardener did!’
Have a Nice Day!
…
It was a warm summer afternoon and Ricky Day was patrolling the town centre.
As it was lunchtime, it was fairly quiet, with many of the shops closed.
Ricky stopped to chat to some old guys sitting by the decorative fountain in the town square and was remarking about how quiet and peaceful it was.
‘Aye!’ one of the old guys replied. ‘The best time of the day, waiting for the bookies to open, although the way my luck has went recently
picking horses, I’d be as well picking my nose – at least I’d see something for it!’
Ricky bade them farewell and sauntered up the road, where he saw a large van parked on the double yellow lines on the road outside the electrical retailer’s shop. As he stopped to check it, a man came out of the shop, staggering under the weight of a large television.
The man blamed the manager for having to park at the front of the shop, and not at the rear loading bay. The manager had forgotten to leave the keys for the back door, and it was only because they had urgent deliveries to do that they used the front.
As a result, he gave them permission to carry on, and was assured by the man that they only had another six TVs to load, and they would be on their way.
He then thanked Ricky and instructed him to, ‘Have a nice day, Officer!’
Ricky carried on with his beat and later made his way back to the police station to go off duty.
He was only in the office for about ten minutes when the Inspector came through and enquired as to who had been patrolling the town centre that day.
‘That was me, Inspector,’ he replied.
‘Did you pass the big electrical shop in the High Street at lunchtime?’ he asked.
‘Yes, sir!’ Ricky innocently replied.
‘Well the fucking place was broken into during their dinner hour and the bastards are away with about twenty TVs and umpteen other electrical items!’
Ricky immediately told him about the man who had been loading the van outside the front of the shop, and the fact that he had stopped and spoken with him.
The Inspector almost burst a blood vessel at this news.