In sooth this salvagess of late had become much delinquent to her duty, most saucy and averse to lifting, so that more than once I had recourse to the whipp, tho’ this was most contrarious to my nature. But exceedingly I feared that the ardour of my animal spirits had given occasion to this her surly reluctance and too great familiarity. And therefore I had full many a tiresome hour to lament that I ever had been enchanted by her smell.
Howsomever, at length and after a most nauseous journey, we approached a palizado, which I did surmize enclosed the very temple of these heathens’ mummery. For the crude stakes thereof were embellished with no end of leathern heads and hands and a wondrous deal of bones. Maugre this claptrap of the charnell house, at the first I beheld nought else therein but a stinking fen and the mouth of a prodigious cavern. Of a certainty, I also beheld therein a plenteous herd of crokadells, afloat upon this stew of slime or couchant on the mud, but nought else which might explain this fearsome palizado. Altho’ the mud in there was bestrewn, here and there, with still more butcher’s rubbish -- heads and hands in abundance -- yet what did most alarm was that the cavern’s mouth was quite over-glutted with this offal.
Indeed there I did behold such a heap of putrefactious meat, commix’d with golden gugaws and posies of butter-flowers which the salvages had left, that methought I should heave my gorge for the stench and go stone-deaf for the buzzing of the flyes.
“Motochichi! Motochichi! Motochichi!”
’Twas thus -- whilst I looked and unhappily smelt betwixt the stakes of this devilish palizado -- that of a sudden my ears were assailed by a most displeasing hubbub. Aye, presently these salvages did quite over-boil with their wretchedness. For their dotard priest had scrambled to a clift of rocks above them -- and there did he now stand holding by the hair what methought had once been a maiden’s head the which, tho’ sadly spoiled, did much provoke their merriment.
I have ever found that the nose, either when replete with phlegmatique matter or distressed by a surfeit of noisome odours, is most readily commoded by a pinch of soveraign snuff. Therefore, against this abundant foulness, did I now avail myself of my ivoried snuff-mill, the which my cousin Belinda had given me for a remembrance, and therewith did I seat myself upon a rock whilst roundabout me these sweated salvages did wag their spears and otherwise persist in their obstreperous devilry. Whilst thus I ground my tabacco to an excellent rappee, I much bethought me of Belinda and our frolics in the barn. Yea, and I sighed for her lying-in and to think that she now did slumber in a distant churchyard. And whilst I was prey to these most melancholy reflections, a shriek -- such as a wilder’d harpie might make -- did issue from the bowels of that cavern. And therefore were these salvages yet more fervid in their merriment.
I wore that day, I well remember, my yellow nankeen breeches and waistcoat and because that this garb was passing hot and I was most loth to be sunburnt, I now commanded this Satchunk to bring my parasol, the which duty she performed with pleasing alacrity. For ’twas most agreeable that, like a dog who hath been beaten and thereafter doth cringe and fawn, so this saucy-face did now most craven tend unto my person. Yea, so excellent docile had she become and withal so fearful lest again she raise my ire, that I did not scruple moreover to send her for my portmanteau and a dram of brandy. For I was most weary from my journey and would no longer brook her slothful sullens.
All this mean whiles did the prince of these salvages, companied by his sow, divers of his courtiers and the general rabblement, await in most rabid perturbation upon the vile ministrations of their priest. For whilst thus I sate and partook my snuff and brandy, and elsewise manfully endeavoured to refresh my person of the infinite wretchedness of these brutes, their priest did kiss that rotted head of which I spake before, and spitted into its lips and drank therefrom and committed other suchlike disgustful abominations. At the last, when he had quite taken his pleasure of this rotted head, this old-sire did totter from that clift whereon he stood and with wondrous slow step and palsied grin betook himself to a beggarly sodden hovel -- a mound of muck and hay within but a stone’s throw of my now most sorely vexed repose.
Whilst thus I tarried before that stenchful palizado and much apprehended what further villainy this ancient swine might do, he plucked aside the hide which served for door into that hovel, discovering therein a hugeous white crokadell the which drowzed within a tub of whitish stone -- or white it seemed, tho’ much fouled and o’erspread with flyes. Straightways this priest (fearing not this dragon but rather desiring, I doubted not, some satisfaction of unnatural companionship) reached beneath its privities and, deft as any milk-maid, drew off a plenteous beveridge.
Upon the consummation of this loathsomeness, at which my stomack turned, these salvages (jumping roundabout my person) were so jubilant that methought my ears would burst for the bellowing. Aye, so exceeding merry were these brutes that, one after t’other, they now threw their baubles and posies of flowers o’er the top of the palizado and onto the scarlet heap of putritude in the very shadow of the cavern’s mouth.
VI.
It now befell that this right insufferable old stinkard raised aloft in hand his crosier staff, whereat these wretches of a sudden fell most deliciously silent, one and all, with exception that some two score naked females and their clutching dams could not forbear their irksome whimpering. Indeed amongst these females I could hardly fail to remark my own most luscious charmer, whose tears rendered her yet more keenly winsome, albeit the pendulous dugs of her blubbering dam did some-deal blunt my appetite.
“Milord,” now says Simkyn Potter, surmizing how maddingly my pintle yearned, “is’t not a grievous plaguy waste of quim?”
“Marry, Sirrah,” says I, “and there’s a guinea for thy trouble if thou dost show me how to bed her.”
How slave-like did this low fellow grin! Yea, for a guinea, I doubted not, he would have whored his very grandam and buggered her to boot, so aptly did this varlet bow and scrape.
No sooner did he haste to this employment, than these misfortunate females gan to rend the silence with their bleating. Yea, as a herd of frighted ewes, all at once they scattered and -- most affectingly -- they might have scaped, had not a swarm of bare-arst salvages right knavishly held them in. Their churlish priest (as if ere this he had not evidenced a sufficieny of vileness) now did close his eyes and lift his cup of slime and, whilst these piteous naked females shrieked and scurried to and fro, full solemnly toddle after them as tho’ he aimed to play at blindman-buff.
That most pert and moody Satchunk did this mean while proffer my brushes and powders, my pommades and patches, my looking-glass and other such needments of my toilet according as her duty bade. Natheless, all such refinement was, for the nonce, quite out of the question. Indeed, I had not so much as powdered my periwig when this dotard priest laid hand upon my hapless charmer, causing her dam to fall aground and squeal so abundantly that perforce I did put down my glass and powder. For tho’ this salvage mother was but a filthy, coarse and most unsightly creature, I could not well refuse to grant her my condolements. Why, I now even brought myself to clench the brute, tho’ the odour of her hair beggerd all description.
’Twas presently that I gan to hanker for my pistol, albeit I knew not how I might fare amongst such an intolerable deal of salvages. But ’twas not their smell, nay, nor their flyes, nor even the unplumbed doltishness of these wretches that thus o’ertaxed my patience. Nay, ’twas rather how their vile priest now did grin and glue unto my charmer whilst he raised his cup of slime and therewithal besmeared her, scrupling not the while to finger her paps and buttocks in my stead. I had, I say, all but rammed my flint-lock. But then, of a sudden, a wildered shriek again did issue from that cavern’s mouth, wherefore the crokadells which ere this had slumbered on the ooze did start awake and clamber post-haste to the muddy deep. Methought now, whilst I looked betwixt the timbers of that palizado, that in that shadowed cavern I beheld a face, wondrous disfigured, intangled in hair, and yet ’twas but
a moment ere it vanished.
“Motochichi! Motochichi!” straightways and most hellishly these brutes did howl -- and albeit I beheld not still that wildered face, yet in the mirksome recess of that cavern methought I saw the leathern flickering of a tayl. My charmer, at this most distressing pass, gan somedeal over-loud to whimper and to shed right pretty tears adown her frighted cheeks. This priest, howsomever, this most vilest old smeller, did but piss the ground with right evident contentment, the whiles a drove of salvages flung fresh-killed meat o’er the top of the palizado and onto the fly-blown rubbage in the cavern’s mouth.
’Twas there, directly as this meat did fall to ground, that for the first I now beheld their hideous god. He wore a Spanyard’s morion and forthwith gan to dote upon a scarlet haunch which much did blood his beard. Of a glance I did misfortunately observe that his privates, the which even now in hand he did most lewdly waggle, were great as any stallions and that his arse had sprung a tail which he did brandish to and fro.
My poor charmer gan, presently, to blubber in good earnest. For with exception of his upperest person, the which for main ugliness I ne’er had seen the like, this most abject humane creature, for such yet he seemed, was at the half a crokadell.
VII.
Whilst thus piteously my poor charmer wept, I my self did piss into my jordan, the which I had no sooner filled withal than I did look about for that low fellow Simkyn, whom now I did more oft than not require to lift my chair, scrape off my plates, spill out my jordan and discharge other suchlike duties of my service.
Now there was, as I have told, a miserable sodden hovel neere-by where I sate and therefrom, happily, did I see this varlet Simkyn now emerge. Nathelesss, in vain did I wave my hand to summon him, nor, soothly, dared I shout lest I disturb the vile mummery of these wretches.
For presently, of a sudden, a bevy of naked females gan to chaunt -- purposing, no doubt, some species of sisterly commiseration, albeit their harping upon ever the same note was right tedious to the ear. More tedious still, the doltish Emperour of these salvages and his puling sow did in likewise gin to chaunt this holy gibberish. For these wretches do reckon it a boon when that a maiden weddeth Motochichi, aye, and a sacrament if he deflower before he eateth her. I my self, this mean whiles, did now most solemnly stare upon my boots, as I full oft had done in Church. For albeit I cared not a fart, nay, not a sirreverence, for such folly, yet I had need be prudent.
Howsomever, whilst thus I studdyed on my jack-boots, my flint-lock most covertly I rammed. Yea, ere long I had full readied it at half-cock, charged and primed, when I chanced to remark that my charmer had espied my loaded piece. Her eyes, which ere this had been aflood with teares, now did seem to flash with touching hope. For tho’ ’twas uncertain whether beauty or dull simplicity held greater sway in this most prettiest brute, yet even brutes have wit to smell out their deliverance.
Thus it befell, whilst there I sat upon my rock companioning my jordan and cosseting my pistol, that my salvage charmer gan to look upon my silent person with rather more urgency than was her maidenish wont. For, lest she be et and ravaged by this mongrel god, it greatly did behoove her now to beg the privilege of my favour.
If this change of heart had come the sooner, perhaps I had been kind. But as ’twas, it pleased me most exceedingly to pay her little notice, wherefore she did piteously assay to capture my regard thorough much shameless ostentation of her tawny paps and buttocks. For in very sooth, this self-same salvage princess, who but moments ere this had played the most tiresomest virgin, did now show her wares like the most commonest half-penny harlot.
But despight that now my charmer gan thus to play the strumpet and, all this whiles, to shed hot teares in lamentable abundance, natheless I steadfastly looked upon her not -- but gan rather to peruse my fingernails, as if thereon were writ a message of most mightiest and pressing import. In fine I feigned (I do confess) that I apprehended not her meaning. Forasmuch as (besides that a gift too lightly given ever is despised) her pretty teares gan greatly now to rowze my pintle up.
Natheless, long I could not dally at this pleasant sport. For when my poore charmer did finally conceive that her whoredom was in vain and that I had far liefer have studyed on my fingernails than suckled at her paps, she did shriek shrill with most wondrous vigour and run hither and thither against a barrier of these brutes in a manner most unavailing and grievous to observe. Yea, my thumb did itch to full-cock my pistol, so desperate sorely did I grieve to forfeit my poore weeping charmer. For despight that these salvages are, upon the main, but idle, miserable brutes, yet not a few of their females are surpassant handsome and right excellent to breed upon.
But ’twas now, as I sate in very great discouragement before this hellish palizado (in the which mean time this misfortunate princess yet did spend herself in frightful misery) that I of a sudden nosed an importunate stench -- the which I had no sooner smelt, than I looked again betwixt the timbers of this palizado and saw, hard by my much sicken’d person, the very slavering muzzle of this god eating of his vile haunch and impudently grinning at my charmer. ’Tis true I had my pistol and might well have slain the wretch and perhaps I should have done, had not the extravagancy of his odour quite over-whelmed the vigour of my otherwise fierce resolve.
“Potter! Potter! Potter!” I did presently exclaim and, because that I was in peremptory need of fragrance, straightways did command this varlet Simkyn at last to take away my jordan and bring a flask of musk.
Whilst this Potter now betook him to his charge and these most foulest creatures roundabout did hoot and sweat themselves in bare-arst revelry, their priest did slowly totter toward his sodden hovel. Aye, most snail-like did this ancient Prelate creep. But at length did he arrive upon his hutt, the which he had so sooner entered than he did sally forth again, smiling most damnably and raising aloft in hand a barbarous surcoat which was the very skin and head-piece of a crokadell.
But now, alack, did my own misfortune leap upon me with fell and two-handed gripp. For presently did this knavish Simkyn, all out of wind and clambering toward me with right desperate and affrighted mien, fall adown and beseech the favour of my notice.
“Milord! Milord! If it please your Grace!” says he. Whereupon, with breath more fouler than a porker’s sty, does this Simkyn whisper me that, when he had gone to fetch my musk as I had bade, he had found this slattern Satchunk sleeping in my sedan, besotted of my claret the which -- more worser still -- she had spilt upon my cousin Belinda’s night-cloathes, a paire of pungent drawers of roseate silk mockado, and other such of my most daintiest smellers. When now, upon the receit of this intelligence, I did think how cruelly this salvage slut had recompensed my kindness, methought I should weep for the very sting of my vexation.
But moreover than all this, ’twas presently, at the very nonce of my misfortune, that these salvages did seize upon my shrieking charmer and beclothe her in the likeness of a crokadell. Thus redoubled was my dolour. For much did I grieve, whilst yet smarting from my loss, to behold a beauteous female so wretchedly ill accoutred.
“Motochichi! Motochichi! “
Whilst my charmer stood vested like a crokadell and their priest did raise his hand in salvage benediction, thus did these sweated brutes yet again howl for their wretched god. I my self, most exceeding vexed by the overmuch presumption and base ingratitude of this Satchunk, did this mean time sorely puzzle how to compasse the salvation of my charmer. For albeit the loss of so capital a female were most lamentable and albeit that, furthermore, this Satchunk had now misfortunately proved herself meer baggage, saucy and undutiful, whom it were but regretful justice to barter in her stead, natheless I knew not how to traffick an exchange.
But now did this Simkyn Potter, yet desirous of the guinea which I’d promised him, whisper me that this dragon’s hovel was choke-full of suchlike skins.
“Aye,” says he, “and a very helle-hole it is, milord, for tis therethrough they aim to thrust the little pigeon to the fiend. So th
ere ye’d best to wait. For tho’ it stinketh like a pissing-post, ’tis most perfect there for whooring.”
VIII.
Whilst his daughter was thus arrayed for her nuptials, that majestic prince her father did steel himself right manfully, as one who doth with most philosophic mien assuage his bereavement with the promise of life eternal in his god. Natheless his dame -- in a manner most unhappyly natural to the sex (who have not philosophie and therefore are but children) -- did cast herself aground and tear her hair and rend the air with shrieks most deafening, undignified and retrograde to reason.
“Now, milord,” whispers Simkyn Potter, “whilst the asse is at her braying.”
Therefore, at the last, did I arise and, my walking-staff in hand, suffer this varlet Simkyn to usher my progress thorough this press of shrieking rabblement, a nauseous stew of sweat and noise from which I did no sooner gratulate my deliverance, than I did come at length unto my sedan wherein, I grieve to say, yet slept that undutiful slut, that most ingratest and insufferable Satchunk.
’Tis ever a most melancholy mischance to put down a dog, a horse, a mule or some other such companionable beast. Howsomever, like a reluctant judge who in regret’s despight needs must mete out justice, I could not well eschew my doleful duty. Nay rather -- as it may well be imagined -- I did not hesitate to rowse this creature from her torpor, from which, no doubt, with her wonted surly idleness she would not fain have risen, had I not now displayed my pistol, an argument of sufficent weight even for such a dolt.
Therefore did the beast bestir herself -- tho’, to be sure, not with overmuch haste could such a miserable drunken brute waken from its swoon or conceive the import of my ire-full resolve. Indeed, so slowly did this sloven apprehend her plight, that I had exceeding grievous occasion to behold the violation of my sedan, its escutcheon’d door and damask’d chair bemudded, my most aromatick pettycoats, garters, smocks and stockings quite spoiled with her drink. Wherefore, directly as this brute did squeeze her abominable hulk from out my litter, I clapt my pistol to her rump, the which I had known in far more happier circumstance, and bade her march before me to the dragon’s hovel.
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