It would be to very small purpose to detail the sad particulars of this troublous affair. Suffice it, that these murthers were at length laid to some poor lunatick fellow, such a one as is oftentimes seen a-begging or a-babbling nonsense in the street or a-lying foul’d and drunken in the gutter. But not to dwell upon so distasteful a remembrance, this wretch had no sooner been, most regretfully, hanged and disembowelled, than old Frobin gan to harp upon the needfulness of keeping a strict watch upon his Lordship, lest such a very perilous predicament should once again arise.
It was in this wise that I was now (altho’ in an office most plaguily ill-becoming my profession) at the last permitted to wait upon his Lordship’s person. For albeit Frobin still did not admit of my attending his Lordship in the character of a surgeon (for which employment I had so long and assiduously studied), yet he did think nothing of it that I should now forego the luxury of sleep and the sustenance of my books in order that I might become the butler, sport and lackey of my betters. For it was I who was now encharged to be the night-watch -- an office which, till well past midnight, did comprise fetching snuff and claret and piss-pots to the gaming-table -- until finally, assoon as ever his Lordship and all the quality were abed, I was given leave to keep sentinel in a dusky gallery and endure the drowsy hours until dawn.
But ’twas not the exceeding wearisomeness of these vigils, but the manifold indignities of menial service that were by far the greater burden of my task. Yet ev’n such abasement might almost have been supportable, had his Lordship’s fine company not so oftentimes been pleased to divert themselves at my expence. For it did afford them much ravishing amusement that my nose was over-long, that my waistcoat was not silk, that my demeanour was reserved and grave beyond my years, that I was as yet a stranger to the service of Venus and much disposed to blush -- all assuredly most laughable qualities which this noble company contriv’d to improve by obliging me to snuff and sneeze, to bark upon all four like a dog and the like excellent pleasantries which, perforce, I had needs must suffer. Of the gentlemen of quality who vouchsafed to interrupt their gaming for such sport, I bring to remembrance a number of brocaded gallants, but in especial the Viscount Chommeley, an over-large and over-loud glutton of whom I shall speak more anon. Of the set of females with whom these worthies did disport I shall content myself to say little. Indeed, modesty and decency forbid that I relate to what manner of unbridled licentiousness and shameless sin I was then, despight of my repeated protestations, the most scandalized and reluctant witness. Indeed, the more vigorously I did assay to ‘scape these nets of shocking sin, the more did these veriest harlots shamelessly discover to me the secretest and most ambrosial bowers of their persons, redoubling my hot blushes with their laughter and endeavouring the more to enflame my ardour by the unmentionable liberties of their abandon’d and luxurious caresses.
’Twas in the blear-eyed dawn following upon such a night of devilish humiliation and inutterable lewdness, that I chanced, once again, to find a bloodied gift upon my door-sill. Of late these abominable offerings had, invariably, been squirrels. It was, at a very certainty, the singular circumstance that this particular squirrel yet was alive, spasmodic and oozing -- together with the far-off clatter of foot-falls -- that did prompt me to look up. So it was, down the darksome distance of the corridor, that I at last did see the misfortunate Cyclops -- now a-shambling away upon two legs, now a-falling upon all four as if, like some variety of ape, it were uncertain which posture were the better suited to its nature.
I can scarce convey what extremity of queasy-stomach’d astonishment and bewilder’d surmise did now, of a sudden, overtake me. When I had, heretofore, ascribed these bloody gifts to the sportive cruelty of the scullion-boys, I had seen no reason for alarm. But now a host of vile apprehensions swarmed upon me and my one determin’d thought was to extract an explanation out of Potter.
This wretch, as I have told, was wont to importune me with his churlish and tedious harangues whensoever I was least disposed to suffer them. But upon this present occasion, despight of my distraught and breathless search, I could neither find him consorting with his bottle in the kitchen nor sleeping off his surfeit in the kennel. At length, howsoever, I happ’d to find him in the stable, amidst the mirksome fetor of a stall, a-standing with his shovel amongst the droppings that were, as it was most altogether fitting, his especial charge and care.
This cur was ever one to cringe and curry favour when at bay, but to demonstrate his incomparable insolence whensoever most he did smell out the tail of his advantage. ’Twas in this latter sort that the creature did now comport himself, a-shovelling and a-whistling and a-smirking, but all this while most damnably giving a deaf ear to all my questions. For tho’ my gorge did rise against it, I could not chuse but ask what more this scoundrel knew about the Cyclops. For some moments I was enforced to watch this fellow linger out his feculent business of shovelling. But at the length he did prevail upon himself to desist from this employment, the which he had no sooner done than, as if to make amends for his neglect, he straightways cast his arm upon my shoulder and drew his face so near that I did share the very spittle of his breath.
Thus, close embraced, was I now treated with the full savour of his person throughout the length of a honeyed and most nauseating confidence. For after he had ceased from an effusive pledge of friendship, he made bold to say that Frobin -- now old, much shaken by the terrors of mortality and desirous of continuing his race -- had a great mind to breed his only daughter. In fine, said Potter, he doubted not at all that I should never be admitted to the hump-back’s secrets -- if, forsooth, I should contrive to keep what pidling advancement I had gained -- unless I were disposed, as he was pleas’d to say, to jumble her. Indeed I well conceiv’d this scoundrel’s meaning, and yet I could not get a stomach for such meat.
It is not, assuredly, to be wondred at that I did now most fervently pray for guidance and sorely debate with myself whether it pleased God that I should now quit his Lordship’s household for my former lodging, contenting myself once again to scrape up a small but honest pittance by doctoring the wretched poor and plying my reluctant trade in the dirt of midnight churchyards. In truth, had the Almighty’s Will not then been chiefest in my thoughts, I had far liefer have suffer’d the shipwreck of my ambitions and the consummate dolours and indignities of poverty than sullied the least jot of my gentlemanly honour. In point of fact I had no sooner risen up from prayer than I had steeled myself to take my reluctant leave of his Lordship on the morrow, resolving but this one last time to do his service as a night-watch.
Nor do I at all question, but that I should have presently indeed quitted his Lordship’s employment, had it not now been God’s pleasure to vouchsafe me a sign which I could neither misdoubt nor deny. In this regard, I must remark that I had but lately, once again, most exorbitantly and distressfully indebted myself -- to a bookseller for a worn yet singularly choice volume of Descartes. Gentlefolks -- who have never wanted for the gratification of their merest whim -- may perhaps cavil that my distress was well deserved inasmuch as I had spent beyond my means and reached above my station. But those who have never felt the irresistible pangs of an intellectual appetite nor foregone a meal for the purchase of a book can scarce conceive such a feverish and wasting urgency of thought. At all events, such was my doubtless unsuitable extravagance (in consequence of which this precious volume lay upon my table) as presently, yet again, I had need leave behind the refuge of my books to lackey and amuse my betters.
So once more did I hasten, with echoing steps up marble stairs and past the august gaze of pictured galleries, to wait upon these worthies and keep sentinel throughout the sleepless night. I shall not dwell upon my liveried attendance on their pastimes of harlotry and dice. Suffice it that, in my certain remembrance, the clock had just gone three when I heard his Lordship shriek. In ordinary course I must needs have waken’d Frobin. But upon this particular occasion the old hump-back had betaken himself somewhere -- I kn
ow not whither -- though I should scarce have cared if it had been, with a pox, to the very devil. In any case, the short of the matter is that the most exceeding honour of physicking his Lordship did now finally devolve on me.
Notwithstanding this one affrightful skreetch and a singularly melancholick moan whilst I hied me down the corridor, I heard not any the least sound from within his Lordship’s chamber when at the last I knock’d upon his door. It may well be conceiv’d that I did so with the utmost awe and hesitation, for it was most humbly and with all due submission that I now tendered my respects to so excellent a master. Indeed so chary was I of forwardness that I forbore to knock again and might well have gone away -- had I not then chanced to hear the very most faintest rattle of labour’d and unnatural respiration. Although, as I have said, I was most properly reluctant to presume, yet I could not well chuse but look within.
It is small wonder that I did now straightways nauseate, shudder and recoil -- so utterly unforeseen and withal so loathsome was the confused and twilit mass entangled amongst the bed-clothes on the floor. Methought it was, I dare say, some manner of bespeckled snake or monstrous worm which thus entwin’d amongst the sheets and outstretch’d its bloated breadth upon the carpet. Nor was it till I had traced its sallow twisting to the bristled prolongation of the rump-bone that I did finally recognise it as a tail.
I must needs own that I might then have fled away, were it not that once again -- and yet more loud -- I did hear that selfsame and most unhealthful rattle. In sooth, so engross’d had I been by the tail, that only now did I bethink me to look to the affliction of the head. I could not, of all conscience, deny that I heard his Lordship laboursomely fetching wind from beneath that disarray of satin sheets and damask coverlet. And yet I was not, as one might reasonably surmize, overmuch desirous to approach more near.
But I did not flee, nor fail to do my duty -- no, notwithstanding the prodigious vileness of that nether appendage the which now, perforce, I overstept. Indeed, by the pale moonlight thro’ that casement window, I pluck’d off the crimson coverlet and, in short and plain, made discovery, ‘neath the sweated bobs of his Lordship’s periwig, of a morbid and most altogether curious excrescence of the cranium.
The colony of carbuncles which had fix’d thereon is nothing to the purpose -- nor is his Lordship’s foaming lethargy, nor his most singular coldness the which, by the by, I did my humble best to relieve with sudorifick herbs. Nay, rather what did, upon the sudden, enflame my curiosity was the peculiar circumstance that this most unnatural excrescence did seem to be a broadening of the brain-pan. But moreover than this, so evidently bony was this increase that I could not but grievously question whether the very brain had not swell’d up like a Yorkshire pudding and occasion’d an extuberance of the skull. ’Twas, in fine, this hideous misdoubt that did occupy my thoughts as, once again -- having done my best endeavour to attend his Lordship -- I betook me to the sanctuary of my cabinet.
No sooner, in point of fact, had I there return’d and shut to my chamber door than it pleased Almighty God, in His Wisdom and His Mercy, to vouchsafe me a manifest and full wondrous sign. Now I had, as I have heretofore made mention, but lately fortuned to acquire a most exceeding choice edition of Descartes. This volume happ’ning now to lay upon my table hard by my open casement, a great gust of wind burst in and ruffled thro’ the pages. This occurring, as I have told, when most I made question of a swelling of the brain, I doubt not in the least that this was no earthly wind, but the Immediate Finger of Almighty God. For as soon as this wind had abated of its vigour and this book, by consequence, had left off the turning of its leaves, I found therein the very certain answer that I sought. It was, in fine, a passage wherein this right worthy and compleat philosopher disserts upon that little glandule in the brain which is the very dwelling-place of the Immortal Soul.
Straightways, as one might surmize, I did perceive that it was this very glandule, the pineal kernel, which had most curiously and prodigiously enlarged. None, save those who have themselves found out the secret jewels of science, can well conceive what manner of jubilant excitement and feverish speculation did now overtake my spirits. For altho’ his Lordship’s tail full plain enough bespoke a frightful degeneracy of the body, yet the extraordinary enlargement of this little gland could not but indubitably imply the singular tenacity and endurance of his soul. I was not, I must own, slow to grasp the unexampled opportunity this robust glandule afforded me for the advancement of chirurgery. For had not Descartes (who cannot be enough commended) most clearly and distinctly demonstrated that the soul alone thinks and may exist without the body, which is but a mere, stupid species of machine? Therefore did it not, by force of logick, follow that -- so long as this prodigious gland remained -- his Lordship’s soul upon this earth could survive the excision of his limbs and organs -- yea, even the removal of his brain?
Thus it was, at the very nonce when my gentlemanly honour had quite entirely determined me to quit his Lordship’s household, that I was held back, as it were, by the Immediate Hand of Providence. I am indeed all too sensible that there are those who might be pleased to make some most ungenerous and, in a word, improper observations on this account. But, forasmuch as my chiefest care must perforce have been the health -- nay, the very salvation -- of my noble patient, I venture to affirm that I could not, of all conscience, have done elsewise. I shall content myself, henceforth, to say nothing more upon this head. For the simple knowledge that I have done my duty is, in very truth, reward enough for the myriad indignities which now I suffer’d.
Of these, to be sure, the most frequent was the continuance of my nightly service to the grandees of the gaming-table where, as ever, it was my humble charge to fetch and bow and endure whatever manner of mortification might be contrived by this pack of silken worthies and their practised harlots. For when (as it oftentimes befell) his Lordship was sick abed in his chamber and could neither rouse nor dress himself for cards, there was indeed no end to the liberties they took. Of this set, as I have elsewhere had occasion to remark, I most especially call to remembrance Lord Amberly, Viscount Chommeley, a stinkardly fat-cheeked rake who vouchsafed to find some sportful recreation in my torment. The other conspicuous creature and his confederate in all such merriment was the infamous Mistress Felsham, a pox’d and painted old bawd, a cunning and liquorish old animal who, for the riotous diversion of this company, did not scruple to lift up the red flannel of her petticoats so that I might kiss her wrinkled rump.
The better to endure such drolleries, it was my wont, whensoever I had their gracious leave to run some fool’s errand or stand in silent service next their table, to rally up my spirits by thinking on the metaphysick virtues of chirurgery. For my profession -- nay, my calling -- was (as I did only now most lucidly perceive it) to adapt the principles of engraftment in horticulture to the practice of a philosophick chirurgery. It must, I own, be conceded that the old barber, Frobin, had, in some measure, made a rude beginning in this art. But whereas the old hump-back had stumbled upon the mechanicks, he was verily bat-blind to their philosophick implications. For whilst he had aimed merely to please the vulgar by the means of the exhibition of monstrosities -- and did therefore confine his care to the chirurgery of singular appearances, my more philosophick enthusiasm was to ascertain how such chirurgical engraftment might effect the admixture and transmutation of essences. For altho’ the body is (as Monsieur Descartes hath most excellently observed) but only a species of machine like a pendulum-clock, yet is it to be wondered at that if the interiour work of one clock were to be exchanged for the wheels and springs of another that the mechanick engine thus alter’d would tick and toll and count the hours differently? But moreover than this, if the sin in his Lordship’s soul had (as I did now surmize) been mechanically generated in the pineal kernel by a distemper of the animal spirits and if, in their turn, these animal spirits had thither transmitted this distemper through the arteries from the poisonous malignance of the snakish extremities,
then might not the chirurgic alteration of this bodily machine verily accomplish his salvation?
In such sort as this, at all events, was I most fixedly a-thinking when (having brought them up a platterful of oysters from the kitchen) I return’d to find this honourable company peculiarly intent upon a game at cards. It was, as I recall, but an ordinary hand at ombre played by three men of quality at table -- and yet I have the picture of it most distinctly in remembrance by reason that my sportive persecutor, the right worthy Viscount Chommeley, was full evidently at a painful disadvantage. Indeed, never before had I seen such a pasty pallor o’erspread his proud, plump cheeks and fat-sagg’d chops. The silken ladies of this company, like a pack of slavering wolves, had encircled him and now watched his every move. No doubt he afforded these creatures a sufficiently droll amusement -- sourly squinting at his cards and fingering his coins, ever and again fetching sighs and loosening his cravat as tho’ he were unaccountably at a loss for breath.
It may well be supposed that I could not chuse but relish these most visible tokens of this gallant shittabed’s discomposure -- the more so as it was my noble master, judging by the guineas heaped before him, who had gotten all the gains at his expence. In point of fact his Lordship (who, by the by, had made a shift to conceal his condition ‘neath a more ampler coat and periwig) had full soon taken his last coin. Thereupon this fat-faced worthy fell to fingering his ring -- the like of which I had never before seen for the prodigious bignesss of its ruby. This he had no sooner wrested off his fleshy finger, than he declared that he was grievously athirst and (by the fixt eyes of his scowl) gave me to understand that he required me to attend him. Yet, when I ’gan to fill his cup, he was pleased to declare that he could nowise drink such stuff, that he was not to be treated after the manner of some poor ale-house tipler and (as if I had been the occasion of his ill success at cards) most churlishly bade me begone and fetch him a choicer liquor from the vault.
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