He scrabbled to find the key card for the room and ran down the stairs. When he got down to the street, there was no sign of her. She’d gone off to the left somewhere. He rushed off in that direction. If he was right about what was in that bag, he had to stop her before she did something she’d regret.
***
She didn’t really know where she was going, but she had an idea that if she walked for long enough, she’d find somewhere green to sit down. She made her way through the streets, trying to take the quieter way whenever she reached a junction.
When she came to a bowling green with benches on either edge, she decided it would do. The furthest bench was in the shade, so she headed for that one and took a seat, putting her bag down on the floor. She wouldn’t open it. Not yet. Maybe not at all. It just soothed her to know it was there if she wanted it.
Looking out at the grass, she imagined what it would be like when there was a game in play – little old men and women arguing about shots in their impenetrable Scottish accents.
Then her thoughts returned to Lewis. She didn’t even know what he’d look like now. How could some court decide she wasn’t fit to go near him? Not look after him, not speak to him, but even share the same space as him.
Tears threatened and she lifted the bag onto her lap. The plastic bottle inside was cold against her thighs. She didn’t even like cider, but it was the cheapest thing in the shop with a decent alcohol content.
She’d have to leave the tour. That much was certain. She had to go home before her screwed up life ruined things for Noah. He was too kind. If she stayed, he’d never be able to stand by and watch her go through this new drama without wanting to get involved. And she knew he couldn’t take the strain.
She pulled the bag down around the bottle and twisted the cap. She’d look like a proper wino putting the two-litre bottle to her lips, but she didn’t have a glass.
“Angie. Wait.”
She looked up and saw Noah striding across the grass towards her. She almost took a drink anyway, but the shame was too great. He came to a stop and stood over her. Anger burned off him, searing the air between them.
“Give it here.”
She looked over to the side. Pretended he wasn’t there.
He snatched the bottle off her lap and threw it on the floor. The sickly sweet smell of cider rose up as it glugged out onto the grass. “Two years. Two years you’ve been sober.”
He was right. Every day of those two years had been a battle. “I can’t do it any more.”
“Yes you can.”
She shook her head and finally looked at him. “I’m tired. I just want to stop fighting and find some peace.”
He sat beside her. She tried to move away, but he pulled her into his arms and ignored her efforts to shrug him off. When she was still, he kissed the top of her head. “You know that won’t give you peace.”
“Right now, I don’t know what else to do.” The cider would have quietened the noise in her head for a little while.
“You wouldn’t let me say that.” He gave her a squeeze.
It was true, but her own advice tasted bitter.
“Okay. So we’ll do what you told me to do and keep you busy.”
“Doing what? I can’t stop thinking about Lewis.” Nothing was going to change that.
“Then tell me about him. Tell me the whole story of what happened with Wesley. Talk to me.”
She lifted her head from his chest and looked him in the eye. She’d never told anyone. Perhaps it was time she let it all out.
“I’ll take you to dinner and you can tell me as much as you need to.”
“Okay.” The idea was enough to send her running for the half-empty cider bottle on the floor. If the thought of sharing her history with Noah was so frightening, maybe it was because she needed to do it.
CHAPTER 12
They weren’t exactly spoiled for choice when it came to looking for somewhere to eat. There were a couple of pubs, the hotel, a Cantonese restaurant and an Indian restaurant. The pubs were out of the question. The Indian looked slightly busier than the Cantonese, so they went for the quieter option.
Once they were ensconced at a corner table and the starters had arrived, an expectant silence descended. Noah didn’t push her to say anything. He just made a space and left the rest up to her. They both picked at the yuk sung on their plates.
Angelique took a bite, trying to work out where to start as she chewed. Where things went wrong. But where was that? “I didn’t really think he’d let me see Lewis, you know? I hoped he would and I knew I had to try, but I didn’t think he’d do it. Not deep down.” She looked across the table, waiting for a sign to carry on. Noah nodded.
“He was always difficult. But he wasn’t as bad when I first met him. He was never violent, but he had a temper. Flying off the handle in the supermarket queue, talking down to waiters in restaurants, that sort of thing.”
“What about with you?”
“He used to shout at me. I’d do stupid things – drop a full carton of milk or forget to iron his shirt – and he’d get right up in my face.” She faltered, remembering the way he’d rant at her, the vein in his neck standing up, saliva flying from his mouth.
“Sounds like a nice guy.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have stayed with him, but who else would have wanted me?”
“Angie—”
“I mean it. I was amazed that he asked me out in the first place. I didn’t think I deserved any better.”
“How could you feel like that? You’re smart, kind, beautiful. Who wouldn’t want you?”
“I don’t feel any of those things.”
He shook his head.
He obviously meant what he was saying, but she couldn’t see herself that way. She was nothing special. An average woman trying to get by. Not even average – a woman with a drink problem.
“I could cope with it to start with. If I watched what I said, dressed the way he liked – things like that – he didn’t get as angry.”
Noah stopped eating altogether and chewed on his lip, trying not to say anything.
“When I found out I was pregnant with Lewis, I was really excited. I thought he would be too, but he told me to get an abortion.”
“So what happened?”
“He made the appointment at the medical centre and came with me, but I couldn’t tell the doctor I wanted an abortion. I just couldn’t. I left. Went back to stay with my mum. She was nearly as angry as he was.”
“But you got back together?”
She nodded. “He came to fetch me about a week before my due date. Said he couldn’t have his son growing up without him. I was so relieved when Lewis was born and he was a boy. The way Wesley kept talking, I was sure he would have sent me back to my mother if I’d had a girl.”
“Seriously?”
The waiter came and cleared away their starters.
“Seriously. It sounds crazy talking about it now, but it felt normal when I was in the middle of it. It got worse after the birth. He was a good dad, but it was like he couldn’t stand the fact I was still there.” Now they were coming to the part she’d never told anyone. She wanted to tell Noah, but what would he think of her? Part of her wanted to reach across the table and take his hand, feel the warmth of his skin and know he was there for her. But what if she told him and he snatched it away? If she shared this with him, things wouldn’t be the same.
The waiter returned with bowls of rice and Angie’s sweet and sour chicken. She’d never felt less like eating in her life.
When Noah’s main arrived, he ignored it and broke the silence that had been hanging over the table. “He did something to you, didn’t he?”
Thinking about that night made her feel physically sick. She nodded.
Noah stayed quiet and simply looked at her. There was no judgement in his eyes, no blame for the life she’d lived. If there was anyone who could listen to this part of the story and understand her role in it, it would be Noah
.
But it was so hard to risk what they had. It would only be natural for him to reject her when he found out what she’d done. And that might just push her over the edge.
“We didn’t... He stopped wanting to have sex with me. He barely looked at me any more, but I got used to it. It was better than the shouting. And I had Lewis. He controlled himself when Lewis was in the room. It went on like that for a couple of years. We shared the house, but we didn’t have much to do with each other. Then one night he brought a man home with him. I’d never seen him before. I don’t think it was one of his friends. Someone he’d met in the pub, maybe.” She stopped, her heart beat was racing out of control. She didn’t want to tell him. She didn’t want to watch him try not to be disgusted. “He... He said he wanted to watch me with another man.” A tear ran down her cheek and she wiped it away with the back of her hand.
“He sat down on the sofa and he told me to take off my clothes.” The tears fell freely now, streaming down her face and onto her t-shirt. “I told him I didn’t want to – I couldn’t. The man... He... He wouldn’t listen. I kept saying no. I begged him to stop...”
“He raped you.”
She shook her head. “I didn’t fight him. I could have scratched his face, kicked him. I could have done something.”
“If you said no and he didn’t stop, then he raped you.”
“It was my fault. I should have left as soon as I realised what they wanted.”
Noah rubbed at his eye with the heel of his hand. Was he crying? “He raped you and your husband sat there watching the whole thing. What kind of man does that?”
“He didn’t touch me again after that. He said I was a whore and he couldn’t stand to be around me. But it took another five years for him to leave. I spent every day wondering if he’d bring another man home with him.”
Noah shook his head. “I’ll kill him. So help me, I’m going to go over there and wring his fucking neck.”
“No!” She’d wished him dead so many times. When things got hard and she imagined him sitting at home with their son, she’d wished heart attacks and strokes and all manner of things on him. But she couldn’t bear the thought of Noah getting in trouble over a man like that. “Please, Noah. He’s not worth it.”
“After what he did to you... I don’t understand—”
“And what would happen if you beat him up? The police would get involved – because don’t think for a minute he wouldn’t press charges. Then you’d be looking at a criminal record and he’d have more ammunition to use against me.”
Noah looked shocked. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. He opened his mouth to speak but she jumped in before he had the chance.
“What I told you, I don’t want anyone to know.”
“But the custody case—”
“Anyone.” It wouldn’t help her case for people to know she’d slept with another man. Noah might call it rape, but Wesley certainly wouldn’t. Then there’d be all the questions – Why didn’t you report it? Why didn’t you run? Why didn’t you leave him? Even if they believed it had been against her will, everyone would look at her differently. Wherever she went, she’d be wondering if people knew.
“You can’t just let him get away with it.”
“He already has. He’s won. He got rid of me, he got our son. It’s over.” She’d been trying so hard to pretend there was still a chance she could see Lewis, but it was hopeless.
“Oh, Angie.” He took her hand, nearly knocking over her glass of water in the process. “There must be something we can do.”
We. Hearing him use that word made her cry all over again. “I don’t think so.” It would be such a relief to believe he could make it alright. But she couldn’t start thinking like that.
“There is. I’m sure there is. We’ll hire lawyers and find out.”
She didn’t want to hope. “There’s no point.”
“It’s my money. I’ll find someone who can give us advice.”
Perhaps she should let him. Any lawyer he found would only say it was impossible and then they could get on with their lives. It was living in limbo that hurt so much. “Okay. But don’t tell them what I said tonight. Promise you won’t.” No one else could know.
“I promise.”
“I mean it. You can’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
She trusted him. She wouldn’t have told him if she didn’t.
***
It was no surprise to either Noah or Angie when they couldn’t get to sleep that night. Wesley loomed large in Noah’s mind like some evil nightmare. He imagined she must have felt ten times worse.
He couldn’t begin to know how she’d got through something like that. Someone – a friend, Angie’s mum – should have stepped in and got her away from that bastard before it ever got that bad.
Lying in bed in the hotel room, he held her as tightly as he dared. He wanted to make everything better. He wanted to make it so nothing bad would ever happen to her again.
But he couldn’t.
All he could do was lie beside her and hope she could tell how much he cared. It felt crass to tell her he loved her when he’d never said it before. She was sure to think it was a reaction to what she’d told him. He kissed her shoulder and prayed his feelings were clear to her.
The hours rolled by and eventually he felt her sag into sleep. His head was still full of Wesley. He was a monster and he had Angie’s son. He was going to put that right. Whatever it took.
As soon as they got back on the bus, he’d find a lawyer and talk them through the situation. There was no way a man like that should have sole custody. Surely it would be easy to persuade a judge of that?
But he’d promised he wouldn’t bring the rape into it.
He looked over at Angie, she was twitching in her sleep. Probably having a bad dream. He could imagine what it was about. If the lawyer said their chances were good, he’d keep his promise. But if the odds were against them he’d tell them everything. She’d be angry with him. Maybe she’d never forgive him and he’d lose her for good, but at least she’d have her son back. That was more important than how things turned out between them.
He didn’t think he’d ever get to sleep, but it must have happened because he woke up to the sun shining in through a gap in the curtains. Angie’s side of the bed was empty. She could have been in the bathroom, but as soon as he opened his eyes, he knew she was gone.
Getting up and checking just confirmed it. There was only one place she would have gone. Sure enough, she’d left a note.
Don’t worry about me. I need to see Lewis.
He picked up his phone and called her number, gathering up his clothes at the same time. It went through to voicemail. He wasn’t surprised.
He’d had his suspicions about Wesley, but now he knew the truth he was doubly sure he didn’t want her to go and see him on her own. Noah got dressed and hurried down to reception. He had to go after her. The only way for her to get back fast enough was the train.
So that was where he had to go.
CHAPTER 13
Angelique hadn’t given herself time to stop and think. She’d slipped out of Noah’s bed and dressed while it was still dark, telling herself he’d be better off with her out of the way. The full extent of her plan was going to Wesley’s house and waiting for a glimpse of her son.
She needed to see him. In the two years since she lost him, she hadn’t even seen a photograph. She didn’t know if he’d cut off his dark brown curls, if he was tall for his age, if he still liked to dip his French fries in caramel sauce. Two years was such a long time for kids that age. Would he even remember her?
She tried not to think about it. She wouldn’t get near him. Not with Wesley in the picture. But she had to see him. Just from a distance. Maybe risk taking a photo.
Her train slipped through the early morning gloom, rushing past fields and factories. Leaning her head against the window, she wished she could sleep. Hours of travel
stretched out in front of her and she knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate on anything like a book or a magazine. Then she thought of Wesley and it seemed the journey would pass too soon. What if he caught her?
As long as she was careful, he wouldn’t even know she was there.
***
Deep in his heart, Noah had known he wouldn’t bump into Angie at the station, but a part of him had still hoped he’d find her before she got on a train. He searched the ticket office, the platforms and both waiting rooms. Feeling deflated, he went to buy himself a ticket and caught his first break of the day – only one southbound train had left so far. He may have missed her, but she was only an hour ahead of him. He paid his fare and walked off to find a seat on the platform.
He’d turned off his phone back at the hotel, but he’d been growing steadily guiltier about it ever since. John would be worried out of his mind. He had to tell him something reassuring. The trouble was, he couldn’t think of a single explanation that wouldn’t make everything sound ten times worse.
When he turned his phone back on, there were nearly fifty missed calls. All of them from John. He took a deep breath and phoned him back.
He picked up after two rings. “Where the fuck are you?”
“I’m fine and I’ll be at the venue tonight, okay?”
“No, it’s not fucking okay. Where are you?”
“I promise I’m sober and I’ll stay that way. I’ll see you tonight.” He hung up and put the phone on silent. He would have turned it off, but he needed to go online. If he was going to have any chance of making it back in time for that night’s concert, it would involve booking a plane ticket.
Make that two tickets. When he found Angie, she’d be flying back with him.
***
The journey down the country felt like purgatory, but it did eventually come to an end. Angelique climbed down onto the platform on legs that felt as substantial as drinking straws. Five hours sitting on a train had left her aching all over. She kept moving and found a taxi to take her out to Wesley’s house.
Black Girls and Bad Boys: Changing his Tune Page 10