by Jeff Shelby
“It hurts mine, too!” Grandma Billie yelled.
Grace scowled. “You said they would be good! You said they would be like Taylor Swift!”
“I said no such thing.”
She slunk back to her chair.
I leaned close to Jake. “I need to use the bathroom.”
“If you leave me here, I'll never forgive you,” he warned.
“I'll be right back.”
I got up and weaved through the packed room as Gloria butchered the lyrics to some old Linda Ronstadt song. I found the bathroom in the hallway that connected the restaurant to the lobby, and was surprised to see that it was not being used as a sanctuary from the noise assault in the clubhouse. In fact, all three stalls empty. I took my time, flushing slowly and washing and drying my hands thoroughly. The distant sound of the band still reverberated into the room but it was at least muted. I snagged one more paper towel before reluctantly opening the door. I nearly bumped into Irv Finkleman on my way out.
“Oh, Irv,” I said, bracing myself against the wall so I didn't stumble over. “Nice to see you.”
He was wearing the same clothes, but his hair was damp and the comb over was really slicked to the side. “Hello, Daisy. Sorry if I cut you off there. I'm getting here later than I planned and I think I was moving a little too fast.”
“Not a problem.”
He pointed toward the restaurant. “How you like it so far?”
“It's...fun,” I said. There had to be at least a little truth in that statement, and it was far better than saying I thought the band his friends were in sounded about as bad as anything I’d ever heard before.
He smiled. “They are a lot of fun. Your husband's aunt can really bring down the house.”
I pictured the Big Bad Wolf from the fairy tale. “Yes. She really...can.”
The music stopped and the crowd went wild. We walked back to the restaurant together and stood in the entrance for a moment.
“This one's for that someone special,” Gloria said behind the mic on stage. “That someone you’ve loved and lost. We’ve all been down that path, haven’t we? Especially at our age.”
She and her bandmates then broke into a rendition of Air Supply's All Out Of Love.
“I'm going to go back and sit with my family,” I said to Irv. “You're welcome to join us, if you’d like.”
“Thank you, but I think I'm going to see if I can find a seat at the bar,” he said, nodding in that direction. “Very nice to see you again.”
I watched as he shuffled his way through the crowd and squeezed himself between a couple of other men about his age.
Gloria was off-key – again – but she certainly was putting her heart into the lyrics. As I walked back to Jake, the kids and Grandma Billie, she was slowly rotating on the stage, focusing her attention just to the right of the crowd, over near the bar.
“I thought you might not be coming back,” Jake grumbled when I slid back into my chair.
“It crossed my mind,” I told him, my eyes on Gloria.
She stopped rotating and focused her attention on one place as she breathlessly belted out the chorus. It seemed very clear to me that she was singing specifically to someone. I followed her gaze.
And saw Irv again, staring back at her.
Grandma Billie must have seen the light bulb go on in my head because she said, “Yep. You figured that one out. Those two have been bumping uglies for a while now.”
I was pretty sure my mouth dropped open; not only at her statement but at the way she delivered the news. “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” she said, nodding. “It's the talk of all of Apple Lake. They can't keep their hands off of each other.”
My stomach turned a little. And then I immediately thought of Jake’s accusation that I was really the ageist and not him, and my stomach turned even more.
She winked. “And not everyone is happy about that.”
“He's not married, is he?” I asked.
“Oh, goodness me, no. Who'd want that old skeleton?” She made a tsking sound. “Did you get a good look at his hair?” She shook her head. “He's not married, but for some reason, lots of the ladies around here are hot to trot for that old goat.”
Gloria was going for the long, high note at the end and the windows were bracing themselves. Emily and Will both had their ear buds in, and Sophie and Grace were covering their ears with their hands, their eyes squeezed shut.
“He hooked up with old Clutterbuck, too,” Grandma Billie yelled. “Before someone had the good sense to rid the world of her.”
“Irv? And Agnes?” I asked. The story was just getting crazier. Either that, or Grandma Billie just enjoyed making things up to stir the pot.
She nodded, tilting her beer to her lips with shaking fingers.
I turned back to the stage.
Gloria was still hollering and the crowd was urging her on, swaying to the ballad. A couple tech savvy seniors had their smart phones in their hands, the flashlight app turned on. But it was hard to tell if she noticed.
Because her eyes were most definitely locked on Irv Finkleman.
THIRTEEN
“So what did you all think?” Gloria asked.
She was standing in front of our table, her cheeks flushed, her forehead sweaty, an expectant smile on her face.
We all looked at one another.
“It was…loud,” Grace said.
We’d already warned them all to be polite.
“Really, really loud,” she said, making a face. “Like, louder than—”
Sophie cut her off. “I liked your....” she hesitated. “I really liked the guitar.”
“That’s Vern,” she said. “He used to play with The Hollywood Argyles.”
“The who?” Jake asked.
“They had a big hit in the 60’s,” she said. “But he played with them before then. Back before they hit it big. Their formative years, when they were really finding themselves and their sound.”
“Of course,” I said.
She glanced at Will and Emily. “And you two? What did you think?”
I braced myself, waiting for a scathing remark from Will.
“I've never heard anything like that,” he said.
I breathed a sigh of relief and waited for the second wave.
“I recorded it,” Emily told her.
I smiled and nodded. If nothing else, my kids had learned to respond politely when they had nothing nice to say. Especially after being threatened by me.
“Oh, I'm so glad you enjoyed it!” Gloria exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “We were really on fire tonight.”
“A trash can on fire,” Grandma Billie muttered. She’d finished her second beer and looked like she was ready to nod off. Her eyes were half-closed, and her chin was propped in her hand, as if she needed to physically support it from dropping to the table.
If Gloria heard her, she didn't acknowledge it. “Did you like Oscar on the drums? Can you believe how he plays?”
“No,” Jake said. “I really can't.”
Gloria put her hands on her hips and smiled at us. “I am so glad you all could make it. You, too, Mom.”
“Oh, you know how I never like to miss this kind of thing,” Grandma Billie said, her eyes not fully closed. “I have so much other stuff to do, you know.”
Her sarcasm was lost on Gloria. “I know,” Gloria gushed. “You're our biggest fan.”
“Or only fan,” Grandma Billie muttered.
Gloria started to say something to me, but something caught her attention and she stopped, her jaw slack, her smile flickering. She blinked several times, then refocused. “What did you think, Daisy?”
“It was very...entertaining,” I told her. “I love 80's music, so the, uh, Air Supply song was a real treat.”
But Gloria's eyes had left me again and she was studying something behind me. And her smile was gone completely now.
“Would you all excuse me for a moment?” Gloria said.
“Uh oh,” Grandma Billie said. Her eyes were wide open now. “This is gonna get good in a hurry. Hey, kids!”
All four turned to look at her.
“You might want to take out your phones and get your cameras fired up,” she told them. “You have cameras on those things, right?”
Emily nodded.
“That’s what I thought. You’re about to see something you can put on your Facepad and Youchat.”
“It’s Facebook and YouTube,” Sophie said helpfully.
“Sweet,” Will said, whipping his phone out.
Emily’s was already in her hand. The two younger girls had brought purses in with them – a little denim purse for Sophie and a pig stuffed animal purse for Grace. They immediately began digging around in their bags.
I twisted in my chair to see where Gloria had gone.
She was making a beeline for Irv, who was still stationed at the bar. The men he’d been standing with before were gone.
And a woman was in their place.
A woman in a red strapless top and a skin-tight black skirt was standing next to him, her hand resting on his elbow. Her dyed blonde hair was done up and styled on top of her head, ringlets dancing down the side of her face. Gold jewelry flashed every time she moved. I couldn't tell how old she was, but she looked a little unsteady in the red stiletto heels strapped to her feet.
Grace scrambled out of her chair. “I'm getting closer!”
Before I could grab her, she was moving through the crowd like a tiny mouse. I stood and followed her, as much to catch her as to get a closer look for myself.
“Well, hello, Gloria,” the mysterious woman said as Gloria sidled up next to Irv. “You sounded...like yourself up there tonight.”
“What are you doing here, Vivian?”
The woman smiled at her in a way that was less than friendly. “Just here for the entertainment, darling.”
Now that I was closer, I was fairly certain the woman was even older than Gloria. The crows feet at her eyes and wrinkles near her mouth were covered with layers of makeup and there may have been some bad plastic surgery involved. Up close, it almost looked like her face was melting a bit.
“You weren't invited,” Gloria said. “You're never invited.”
“I know how intimidating it is for you to have me here,” Vivian said. She upped the wattage in her smile and turned to Irv. “I was just having a nice little chat with Irv here.”
Irv's face flushed red.
Gloria swatted at Vivian's hand. “You don't do anything nice. And you don't intimidate me one bit, you old bag.”
The crowd swelled around us, closing in, watching intently. There were murmurs and clucking and I felt like I was surrounded by a group of old hens. Which, when I thought about, wasn’t too far from the truth.
I reached for Grace to pull her away but she shirked out from under me.
“Are they gonna fight, Mommy?”
“Did you just touch me?” Vivian screeched. She held her hand out like she'd been stung by a bee. “I could sue you.”
“You could try.”
“Now, ladies—” Irv said, but neither of them even looked in his direction.
“You mean, like, how you try and sing?” Vivian flung back. “But instead sound like a dying parakeet?”
The crowd murmured collectively.
“Leave,” Gloria spat. “Now.”
Vivian stood a little taller in her spiked heels and stepped toward Gloria. “Make me, you lying old windbag.”
Gloria grabbed a fistful of the woman's tastefully coiffed hair and yanked hard. The blonde locks tumbled off of the woman's head, revealing a nearly bald scalp covered in long, uneven, gray wisps of hair. Vivian gasped and reached for Gloria's own hair. Gloria tossed the wig into the crowd and grabbed onto Vivian's arms as her hands clamped onto Gloria's real hair. Both women began screaming and they tumbled to the ground.
I thought about Grandma’s words from earlier in the evening. She hadn’t been wrong when she said Gloria had a temper hotter than Hades.
“This is AWESOME!” Will yelled from behind me. I spun around and saw him fighting to hold his phone steady as the crowd converged on the women.
Emily was there, too, her phone held high over her head. “Andy is never gonna believe this!”
Sophie had slipped past me and was standing next to Grace. They both dropped to their knees. Not to take cover, but to try to crawl in tighter.
Jake was standing at the table just shaking his head.
Grandma Billie was holding her thumb up in the air and cackling.
I turned back around.
The women were back on their feet now, disheveled, red-faced, and being held back by different factions of the crowd. Irv's comb-over was now a comb up, as his wave of hair was currently standing straight up atop his head. He stood between the two women, looking back and forth, unsure of what to do with himself.
“You awful, awful pig!” Vivian snarled. “You are a hateful, two-timing, back-stabbing pig!”
“Take your fake hair, your fake smile, and your cow's butt of a face and get out of here!” Gloria screamed back.
Both women shrieked again and lunged forward, but the people hanging onto them managed to keep them apart. The group holding onto Vivian got her turned around and headed for the door as she screamed more horrible things at Gloria, who screamed right back at her.
I grabbed both Sophie and Grace and hauled them to their feet. They both looked a little bewildered by what they’d just witnessed. I felt the same way. I motioned at the older two to follow me away from the fray.
“Mom,” Will asked, studying his phone. “When do The GG's play next?”
I watched as Gloria was escorted back to the stage, horrified that they might be playing a second set. But the guitarist was bent over, slowly wrapping up extension cords, so I assumed we were safe from another noise assault.
“I have absolutely no idea. Why?”
“Because that was the greatest thing I've ever seen,” he said. “And I want to see if it happens again!”
FOURTEEN
“What the heck was that?” Jake asked when we returned to the table.
“The greatest thing ever,” Will said reverently, rewatching the video on his phone.
“Andy can't stop laughing,” Emily said. “He thought we were at some stage show.”
Jake was waiting for an answer from me, as if my being fifteen feet closer to the incident would somehow make me be able to explain what had just transpired between his aunt and a wig-wearing woman in stilettos. “No clue,” I told him. “No. Clue.”
Jake looked at his grandmother for her to chime in.
She held up her hands, like she was telling him not come any closer. “Don't look at me. I'm not saying a word. Not for me to explain.” She closed her eyes, signaling the end to the discussion.
“What happened to that lady's wig?” Sophie asked.
“Now, girls,” I began. “We all know that fighting is not the answer to our problems. Especially physical altercations. There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to go around and—”
“Rip off fake hair?” Grace finished.
“Well, yes,” I said. “No one should rip another person’s wig off. No one should touch any part of your body, in anger or other emotion, without your permission.”
“Are you really going to have this conversation here?” Will interrupted. “About body autonomy or whatever you call it? They just asked about the wig, Mom. That’s it.” He pointed in the general direction of the bar. “I think it’s stuck under a stool over there.”
“Let's go find it!” Grace said, and she and Sophie raced off in search of Vivian's fake hair.
I sighed. I didn’t know what I’d expected from the evening – apart from bad music – but I certainly hadn’t anticipated being introduced to catty older women, meeting Jake’s aunt’s elderly lover, or witnessing an all-out brawl between two
senior ladies on a dance floor, one of whom I was related to by marriage.
Grandma Billie grunted. Her eyes were open again and she pointed toward the stage. “Here comes Hulk Hogan now.”
Gloria was headed our way, her hands working through her hair, trying to restore it to its former glory. Her makeup had been cleaned up a little, but not retouched. She looked tired. And old.
She reached our table and took a deep breath. “Well. I'm sorry you all had to witness that.”
“Wasn't the first time for some of us,” Grandma Billie cracked.
Gloria glared at her mother for a moment before an apologetic smile emerged on her face. “Regardless. I am sorry for all of that. Especially in front of the kids.”
“Are you okay?” I asked. “You took a nasty spill.”
She nodded. “I have a new knee. I’m good. Might have a couple of bruises in the morning, but otherwise I’m fine.”
“What exactly was...all of that?” Jake asked.
She turned in the direction where the fight had occurred. “That was Vivian Kettlebaum. One of the most hateful people you will ever have the misfortune of meeting.” She paused. “We have a long history.”
“That's for sure,” Grandma Billie muttered.
“Mother! Enough!”
Grandma Billie grunted again.
“I’m thirsty, Mom,” Will said. “Can I go get a soda or something?”
“Me, too,” Emily said.
I grabbed my purse and pulled out a twenty. “I want my change,” I told him. “And I will check to see how much sodas cost.”
He grinned and pocketed the money, and he and Emily slipped away from the table.
I returned my attention to Gloria. “So, you just haven't been able to…get along?” I asked.
“That, definitely,” Gloria said. She sat down in one of the empty chairs. “But there have been other things as well.”
“Like?”
“She keeps showing up at our gigs just to stir up trouble. We've asked her to stay away, but she just won't listen.”
“Is she a friend of Irv's?” I asked, remembering they were together at the bar and how that was apparently what had prompted Gloria to approach them in the first place.