by G. M. Dobbs
Gerald stood there naked before his bed and stretched, allowing a long luxurious yawn to escape his mouth. The next moment he let out a whelp and then started screaming like a banshee as someone sat up in his bed and peered at him in the semi darkness.
‘Who?’ the man in the bed asked, frantically rubbing his eyes. ‘What?’
‘Don’t hurt me,’ Gerald whimpered and started to scream again. ‘Oh, please don’t hurt me.’
Gerald had come to the conclusion that this strange man in his bed was a crazed killer though why a killer should have been sleeping in his bed didn’t occur to him. He was far too alarmed for lucid thought. He had his hands up to his mouth, oblivious to his own nakedness, and continued to scream hysterically, while he jumped up and down on the spot. The movement caused his penis to bob around Gangnam Style, which was more alarming still to the man in the bed.
Suddenly the light came on as Granny and Arthur appeared in the doorway. They looked first at the herpetologist who was sitting up in bed, all colour having drained from his face, his complexion almost as pale as the lemon pyjamas, Gerald’s pyjamas, he wore, and then at the still naked Gerald who quickly picked up a T-shirt from the bedside table and wrapped it around his waist.
‘Gerald,’ Granny said. ‘What are you doing here?’
Purser was trembling as he watched the scene before him. He felt as if he was in some sort of madhouse as he tried to make sense of what was happening? Who was this naked man who had tried to get into bed with him? Was this kind of thing common in the valleys?
‘Gerald calm down,’ Granny said and moved across the bedroom and slapped her son across his face. He went from hysterics to stunned silence in the blink of an eye. His hands went to his face, which meant that the T-shirt he had been using to hide his modesty fell to the floor.
‘Put that away,’ Granny said pointing to her son’s penis. She turned to Purser and smiled, apologetically.
‘Mammy, Daddy,’ Gerald said, having found a pair of pyjama bottoms and slid them on. ‘I’m gay!’
Across the village, at almost exactly the same moment as a naked Gerald had stood over the bed that contained the soon to be terrified herpetologist, Carol had also found herself waking to a shock.
She had opened her eyes and yawned, thinking she was alone in her bed, but as her mind started to clear she had turned to her side and saw Mark lying next to her. She was momentarily confused but then she remembered the events of the night before.
‘Oh my God,’ she said.
She had drunk far too much and although her memories of the previous night were hazy she did recall walking home with Mark, laughing, kissing, and finally inviting him in.
Inviting him in and fucking him!
Mark opened his eyes and rubbed his face in a hand.
He smiled.
‘What time is it?’ he asked.
Holding the sheet up over her breasts, Carol slid from bed and quickly grabbed her discarded clothes from the floor. She dressed and then peered at the clock on the bedside table.
‘It’s three thirty,’ she said.
‘Three thirty!’ Mark exclaimed, he didn’t think he had ever seen three thirty in the morning before. ‘Come back to bed,’ he said and pulled the quilt back revealing his nakedness.
‘No,’ Carol said, abruptly. ‘I mean…er, you’ll have to go.’
‘Go?
‘Yes,’ Carol nodded.
‘Now?’
‘Yes.’
‘But why?’
‘Ah,’ the question caught Carol out and she was unsure what to say. What could she say? All she knew was that she wanted Mark out of her bed, and out of her house now. ‘Just go,’ she said. ‘Please.’
‘It’s the middle of the night,’ Mark was totally confused. Talk about blowing hot and cold - only a few hours ago Carol had been all over him like a rash and yet now she was acting as if she couldn’t stand the sight of him.
‘I’m sorry,’ Carol said. ‘But you’ll have to go.’
Mark glared at her for a moment. He started to say something but then thought better of it. He tossed the quilt aside and jumped from the bed, pulling his clothes on quickly and without a single word he marched from the bedroom and left the flat, slamming the front door shut.
Five
‘I’m sorry,’ Granny apologised.
‘It’s quite alright,’ Purser smiled, weakly. ‘I suppose one must see the funny side.’
Though in truth he had failed to see anything remotely humorous about the naked man jumping about in the bedroom during the early hours. Even this morning over breakfast he had found it difficult to make eye contact with Gerald who had apologised several times and explained the circumstances that had led to him arriving home a few days earlier than expected. It seems there was to be a wedding in the Smith household, a gay wedding, and although Gerald came across as obviously homosexual to Purser, Granny had seemed somewhat taken aback by the revelation, as though it had come as a complete surprise to her. After the initial speechless gasps the old woman had, at least, been fine with her son’s revelation, telling him that she loved him and only wanted his happiness. Arthur on the other hand, had shrugged his shoulders and claimed that he had always held suspicions that his son was, ‘Batting for the other side.’
‘Yes,’ Granny said and sucked on her unlit pipe. She sat back in the car seat and looked out of the window as Mansall once again drove them to the pond on Graig Meadow.
They had meant to return to the pond earlier this morning, but a telephone call from Councillor Pipe had delayed them somewhat. Purser wanted to get to the pond as soon as possible and verify that it did indeed serve as a breeding location for the frogs, but the councillor had informed Granny that he had arranged a site meeting, and that Tudor Lewis himself would be in attendance. It made sense to wait an hour before visiting the pond, which would give Granny the chance to round up the rest of the action group. She had been able to get them all by telephone and Mansall had agreed to come and collect Granny and the herpetologist and drive them out to the pond. The others, being based at various points in the village, would make their own way to the site meeting.
‘Here we are,’ Granny said, waving as she saw Maud standing with Carol at the edge of the pond. Mark, Sue and Amy were also present but as of yet there was no sign of either the councillors or Tudor Lewis.
Mansall brought the car to a sudden stop and they all got out of the vehicle. Granny immediately brought a match to her pipe and sent billows of sweet smelling smoke onto the air. Purser had borrowed a pair of Wellington boots from Arthur and he slipped them on, placing his shoes back into the car.
‘Shall we take a look then?’ he said and removed a telescopic net from his briefcase, which he opened to its full length.
‘Indeed,’ Granny said, speaking around the pipe that dangled from the corner of her mouth.
They walked over and Purser immediately stepped into the pond. He crouched down, though not low enough to get himself wet, and peered into the water. Several pond skaters skittered across the surface of the water as the man’s shadow fell on them.
‘Can you see anything?’ Granny asked as she stood at the edge of the pond. A wisp of ash fell from her pipe and floated down to the water where it sent out tiny ripples.
‘There’s several clumps of frogspawn,’ Purser said. ‘Could belong to a lesser crested.’
‘Don’t you know?’ Mark asked and glanced across at Carol but she deliberately avoided his gaze. Bitch, he thought.
Amy watched Sue walk over to better see what was happening and she felt that familiar longing, but she fought it off. Earlier this morning she had telephoned Sue and apologised for her actions of the previous night, and Sue had said they would be okay, that if they wanted to remain friends it had to be forgotten. It was over with, gone just as the love they had once held for each other had gone. Amy had agreed to that, but all the same she couldn’t help her feelings and she knew deep down in her heart that once again she
was in love with Sue. That perhaps she had always been in love with Sue.
‘I will do if I can take a sample,’ Purser said in answer to Mark’s question. He removed a small bottle from his briefcase, which he held beneath one arm. He scooped a little of the spawn into the bottle, allowed pond water to trickle in and then stood up. ‘I can’t see any actual frogs but that’s not surprising since they are a very cautious species. It is likely several are at this very moment concealed amongst the reeds.’
‘Watching us,’ Granny said and looked at Maud. ‘That’s kind of creepy.’
‘God alone knows what they’d make of you, Granny,’ Maud said and gently nudged her oldest friend in the ribs.
‘That bloody pipe probably scared them away,’ Mark said and waved a hand in an. ‘Do you have to?’
‘I actually like the smell of pipe tobacco,’ Carol said which earned her a glaring look from Mark. ‘Reminds me of my grandfather.’
Granny looked at Mark and puffed even harder so that bigger and far more pungent clouds of burley smoke were released onto the air.
It was then that everyone turned at the sound of a car approaching and they watched as a Volvo pulled up alongside Mansall’s vehicle. The door opened and Tudor Lewis stepped out.
‘Council not here yet,’ Tudor Lewis shouted to the people gathered at the pond. ‘Bloody typical. I’m a busy man and I manage to get here on time.’
‘Here they come,’ Granny said, pointing down the road.
Another vehicle, a people carrier pulled up alongside the other vehicles, and three people emerged from the back. Councillor Pipe stretched to work a kink out of his back and nodded to his two fellow councillors. Each of them in turn shook hands with Tudor Lewis and then all four of them made their way over to the pond.
‘Now what’s the matter with you people?’ Tudor Lewis asked. ‘Don’t you want your community developed?’
‘We want to save nature,’ Sue snapped.
‘We are ecological activists,’ Mansall said. He liked the sound of that. It made him feel important.
‘Bloody latter day hippies is what you are,’ Tudor Lewis grumbled which Councillor Pipe took as his cue to take control of proceedings.
‘You all know me,’ he said. ‘These are my colleagues Councillors Edwards and Jenkins.’
There were mumbled greetings from everyone present and the herpetologist walked out of the pond, his briefcase still clamped beneath an arm and the sample bottle in his hand. He screwed the lid onto the sample bottle and dropped it into his briefcase.
‘Pleased me meet you all,’ he said. He carefully placed his briefcase on the ground and then shook hands with the three councillors and the man Granny had pointed out to him as Tudor Lewis of Tudor Developments.
‘Well Dr Purser?’ Councillor Pipe prompted the small man. ‘Have you made any positive findings yet?’
‘Come on are the bloody frogs on my land or not?’ Tudor Lewis asked impatiently. He looked at the small man in the Wellington boots with distaste.
Purser smiled weakly and Granny came across and stood next to him. There was no way Tudor Lewis was going to intimidate the doctor by throwing his weight around when she was here. She caught Tudor in her gaze and smiled when he averted his eyes.
‘There are frogs using this pond, yes,’ Purser said. ‘I’ve yet to ascertain the particular variety of frog but there are frogs here. I’ll need to return to the university and my lab to ascertain what kind of frogs we are dealing with.’
‘This is absurd,’ Tudor Lewis snapped. ‘The complex I intend to create here will provide jobs and much needed leisure facilities for the entire community. And you’re talking about stopping all this for the sake of a few bloody frogs.’
‘Not just any frogs,’ Purser said. ‘Lesser-Crested Frogs. A genus that could soon be extinct from the British Isles.’
‘We’re still talking bloody frogs,’ Tudor insisted. ‘One frog is much the same as any other frog. That’s what’s wrong with this country, too many people with too much time on their hands.’
‘Frogs that have a right to life,’ Mark said, looking directly at Tudor Lewis. ‘Not to be tossed aside in order for you to turn a quick profit.’
Tudor Lewis glared at Mark. He smiled, suddenly remembering him from school. He was a little younger than Tudor and had been a couple of school years lower down, but Tudor remembered him well enough. He also remembered this man’s brother who had been the same age as Tudor and had often attended the same classes.
‘Mark isn’t it?’ Tudor asked.
Mark frowned, nodded.
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘So what?’
‘I knew your brother,’ Tudor said, smirking.
Mark seemed a little taken aback, and he cast a glance at his companions. He looked nervous which was evident to all present. It was clear that there was something going on between Mark and Tudor Lewis but no one had any idea just what was happening.
‘My brother’s got nothing to do with this,’ Mark said. ‘What matters here is that you’re destroying the environment just to make a buck.’ Out of the corner of one eye he noticed that Carol was staring at him, but as he turned to her she averted her gaze.
‘I’m helping build our community,’ Tudor said, smugly. ‘The benefits of this development should mean more to the people of Gilfach than a few stupid frogs. The French eat the bloody things and you lot want to stop a million pound plus development.’
‘All life is important,’ Sue, a fervent vegetarian, yelled.
‘This development will bring prosperity to our community,’ Tudor Lewis insisted, practising his usual sales pitch. ‘And I assure you it will go ahead.’
‘That remains to be seen,’ Purser said. ‘If an endangered species spawns here then whatever’s planned for this ground will have to be postponed, perhaps indefinitely.’
Tudor was about to say something but before he could utter another word Mark attacked him. One moment Mark had been standing there, glaring at Tudor Lewis, and the next he was yelling as he went for the businessman.
Tudor was initially too shocked to defend himself and Mark landed a left hook to his jaw. The blow shook Tudor but he didn’t go down. He tasted blood on his lower lip.
‘Bastard,’ he said.
Mark tried to follow up with a right hook but Tudor easily deflected the blow with a forearm and pushed Mark back, away from him, putting some space between them. Tudor Lewis had been a brawler for most of his life and in the past he had fought bigger and better men then Mark.
Once again Mark went for him but Tudor sidestepped and then lunged at Mark, his momentum sending them both falling into the pond, which caused several frogs to suddenly burst from the reeds and swim for the depths of the middle of the pond.
Mansall run into the pond then, fully intending to pull the men apart but he lost his footing on the soft bog floor and went face first into the water himself.
‘Frogs,’ Granny shouted, pointing into the pond where the two men were grappling with each other as the third tried to get back to his feet.’ There’s one.’
Six
Special Constable David Davies, otherwise known as David Two Times, and even more commonly known as Dai Twice, frowned when he saw Granny standing by the side of the pool, her ever-present pipe sending thick plumes of smoke onto the afternoon air.
‘I might have known you’d be involved,’ he said.’ Any disturbance and you can guarantee Granny Smith is not too far away.’
‘Less of your cheek, Dai,’ Granny said.
‘I’m on duty,’ Twice said. ‘I must insist you address me as Constable Davies when I’m on duty.’
‘I’ll refer to you with a clip across the ear if I get any more of your cheek,’ Granny puffed on her pipe and watched as the other two policemen led Mark and Tudor Lewis, both of them having their hands cuffed behind their backs, to the waiting police van. ‘What’ll happen to them?’ she asked as Twice removed his regulation notebook and pencil from his tunic.
> ‘They’ll likely be charged with causing a disturbance,’ Twice turned to watch the two men being placed into the van before turning his attention back to Granny. ‘Who telephoned the police?’
‘I did,’ Councillor Pipe said, proudly, and held up his mobile phone, one of the latest smart phones paid for with his expenses allowance.
‘Right, Twice nodded, his pencil poised over his notebook. ‘Then you’d better tell me exactly what happened here today.’
It’s going to be a long day, Granny thought as she looked around.
Maud and Purser, as well as Dwain’s two colleagues from the council stood next to her waiting to be questioned by Twice, while Sue, Amy and Carol were standing over by the fence talking to a policewoman. Mansall was in his own car. He had stripped to the waist, and had the engine ticking over and the heaters on full. The windows of the vehicle had completely steamed up.
The police van containing the two brawlers, it had been quickly established that Mansall had not been involved in the actual fight which was why he had been allowed to return to his own vehicle and not arrested along with the other two men, pulled away from the scene, leaving Twice and the policewoman to sort out matters at this end.
Granny and Maud stepped out of the police car and thanked Twice for the lift. Granny hadn’t fancied travelling back with Mansall, him being half dressed as he was. And besides, she had reasoned, her coming back with Twice meant that Mansall could take Purser directly to the bus station where he would be able get a taxi from the rank that would take him onto Cardiff. The sooner the herpetologist got back to his laboratory and analysed the frogspawn the better.
‘Come on, Maud,’ Granny said. ‘I’ll get the kettle on. Dr Purser said he’d ring with his findings before the day is out.’