“What sort of route?” I ask curiously.
He bites on the end of his pen, studying me, his eyes following the beads of water rivering from my hair down my chest. “I was thinking maybe the beach sort of route.”
My mood perks up and it seems to boost his too. “Are you being serious? You want to stop by the beach on our way home?”
He nods, his smile breaking all the way through. “Yeah… you’ve been saying how much you hate the cold and so I figured we could head down south to South Carolina and spend a day there before we head west… maybe to the beach you said you went to as a kid.”
I attempt not to smile, but I can’t help it. “I can’t believe you remembered that.”
He sets his journal aside and scoots closer to me. “How could I not?” he asks, cupping my cheek. “It was probably the only pleasant story you’ve ever told me about your childhood.”
“That’s because I went on the vacation with my friend’s family,” I tell him. “Not my own family.”
“I remember,” he says. “You said it was your favorite vacation ever.”
“It was… I actually felt happy for once… and content.” I pause. “Although, this one easily tops it.”
He gives me a questioning look. “I’m kind of surprised you said that.”
I’m baffled. “Why? I’ve been having fun and I thought you knew that.”
“I did know, but…” He struggles, shifting his weight, and then he places his hands on the tops of my thighs. “You’ve been so upset since Chicago… and then last night…” He waits for me to explain, but I still don’t feel like I want to tell him.
“It’s not because of the vacation,” I promise. “Although I’m not a huge fan of the mountains, I’m still having fun with you… everything is fun with you.”
“Then why does it seem like you’ve been upset lately?” he asks, searching my eyes for something. “Ever since we visited Ella and Micha. And you won’t talk about it.”
“Ethan…” I trail off, unsure. “I just don’t think I can talk to you about this.”
“Why not?” he asks, starting to get frustrated. “Goddammit, Lila. I wish you’d just tell me because it’s driving me crazy. You tell me a lot of things and now suddenly you won’t… it makes me think it has something to do with me.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you about this… I just can’t…” I’m growing worried because I can feel a fight approaching, just like the one we had back in December.
“Why not?” he asks, but there’s wariness in his voice and I wonder if he already knows what I’m thinking about.
“Because the last time I brought it up we ended up fighting,” I say quietly. “And I don’t want to fight.”
He tenses and I know he’s figured out what’s been bothering me, that it’s about marriage and our future. He lets out a slow breath and I feel like I’m going to cry because I want him to just say it. Lila, I want you for the long run. It doesn’t have to be Lila, will you marry me? I just want to know what’s ahead of us, more than just the next few days.
“What can I do to make you feel better?” he asks with sincerity.
I shake my head, sucking back the tears. “Nothing really.” And it’s the blunt truth because even if I made him say it, if he doesn’t mean it, then it’s nothing more than words. “Just let me think through my thoughts and figure stuff out… figure out what I want.”
I’m not even sure what I mean, but he looks like I’ve just told him I’m breaking up with him. Frowning, he gets to his feet and picks up his journal. I think he’s going to take off, but then he extends his hand to me and helps me to my feet.
“Let’s go pack up and hit the road; otherwise we won’t have time for the beach,” he says, avoiding eye contact with me.
I nod, a lump forming in my throat because I still have no clue where we’re headed. To the beach in a few days. Then what? Home. And what happens when we get home? We don’t talk about it, so I have no idea. No idea what he wants, if he’ll ever want what I want. If maybe we’re just wasting our time.
* * *
Ethan
Lila needs to figure stuff out. Figure out what she wants. What the fuck does that mean? I’m not even sure what the hell just happened between us. One minute I have my fingers inside her because the need to touch her was so overwhelming it was worth getting wet and cold, and then the next thing I know we’re arguing and it feels like she might be thinking about breaking up with me. Or wanting to take a break. And I don’t want a break. I just want to keep doing what we’re doing. I’m having fun and that’s all I’ve ever wanted out of life. To enjoy it.
When I was younger, and pictured my road trip, I’d always pictured doing it myself. But then Lila entered my life and things sort of shifted when I fell in love with her. It was one of the things that made me realize I was in love with her—because being alone didn’t seem as appealing as being with her.
After we pack up the truck, we head down the mountain, barely saying more than two words to each other. As I drive down the road, heading toward the town on the outskirts of the mountains, I can’t help but wonder if in the future, Lila is going to give me an ultimatum. If she’ll demand that I either marry her or she’ll leave me… Fuck, what if she just leaves and never even gives me a choice? What if one day I wake up and she’s gone? Jesus, I never thought I’d turn into this guy, the one who gets upset at the idea of his girlfriend walking out on him. But after what Lila said on the rock… the idea that she could be thinking about ending it… I’ve definitely turned into that guy and I’m about to panic. Still, the idea of fully committing is scaring the shit of me too.
“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that,” Lila suddenly blurts out from the passenger seat, finally turning her head toward me. “Back at the rock… what I said… I’m not trying to figure out what I want. I know what I want—you. And I’m sorry if I made you think I was questioning that.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I say, gripping the steering wheel as I guide my truck around the corner. “You were just being honest, right?”
She shakes her head and inches across the seat toward me. “I wasn’t, though… I was just frustrated because I worry… about stuff…”
My eyebrows furrow as I downshift for a steep hill. “About what? Marriage stuff?”
She shrugs and then looks down at her hands as she picks at her fingernails. “I just don’t want to end up alone. That’s all. I mean, if I don’t have you, then all I really have is my sister, but you know how she is—she barely even has time to talk to me on the phone. And Ella’s got her own life now.”
“You won’t ever be alone,” I promise, reaching over and taking her hand. “You’ll always have me, no matter what happens.”
She presses her lips together and it looks like she’s on the verge of crying. “I just want to make sure that I have you forever… that you and I”—she glances up at me, gesturing her hand between us—“that this will never change because I don’t want it to change. I love being with you, Ethan. Even when I’m filthy and smell like a garbage can.”
It’s midafternoon and the sunlight reflects in her blue eyes, her blond hair is pulled up in a messy bun on her head, and she’s wearing a tank top with no bra and cutoffs. Her eyes are a little wide and have the slightest bit of fear in them because she’s basically handing me her emotions to do with as I please.
She’s fucking perfect and hearing her say that she doesn’t want anything to change between us makes me want to pull the car over and fuck her again and again. Whether I’ll admit it aloud or not, I want this—her and I. I want to travel with her. Kiss her. Touch her. Whenever I want. But at the same time I’m terrified. And I hate that I’m so scared of the idea, the idea of wanting someone so much. Yet, I can’t help it. I’ve been through too much—seen too much with my parents—that I get what comes with wanting someone so much. I’d basically be opening myself up to anything, even heartbreak. And Lila too. And t
he last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. “I want it too,” I admit, and she releases a trapped breath in her chest. “But I’m also worried… about what we could become. I just don’t want to rush stuff, you know. I don’t want to get so caught up in doing what people think they’re supposed to do, like…” I trail off, getting a little uncomfortable. “Like getting married and settling down… I don’t want to do it too fast and ruin the perfect we have right now.”
She nods, understanding, because I’ve told her enough about my mom and dad and their shitty relationship that she gets my fear of becoming like them. “I know… I’m worried too.” She sits back in the seat and faces forward. “My parents weren’t that great and the last thing I want to do is become them.” She pauses and it makes me nervous, wondering what else she’s going to say. “However, at the same time, I look at Ella and Micha and they’re so happy.”
“I know,” I say, and then frown. “But how do we know that we’ll be happy instead of angry and sad all the time, like our parents? I just want to make sure that I—that we—don’t turn out like them. Hating each other… yelling at each other… hurting each other… I want to make sure that we’re in the right place where we both want the same things.” And I’m not sure I’m there yet.
She swallows hard. “Well, we can’t know for sure—no one can see the future. We just have to be willing to take the risk.”
She waits for me to agree and I want to tell her right then and there that I’m ready to take that risk. That I want to be with her forever, because I know I do, but images of my mom and dad screaming at each other surface and then I picture Lila and me in the same place, yelling at each other because I want one thing and she wants something else. My lips end up staying sealed, refusing to part and just finally say what I want.
I stew in my own regrets for the rest of our journey down the mountain while Lila stares out the window, looking sadder the more time goes by. By the time we reach the small town at the foothills, it’s getting late. The sky is bright orange and pink as the sun sets behind us. The few buildings, gas stations, and houses lining the street are shadowed by the mountains and the town is pretty quiet, only a few vehicles driving up and down the street.
“Do you want to stop at that café up there?” I ask, pointing at a small neon sign at the entry to Dina’s Café and Diner. Then I force a smile, even though it hurts. “I’m sure you’re getting sick of canned food and Pop-Tarts.”
She shrugs, finally looking at me for the first time since we stopped talking. I realize she’s had her head turned because she’s been crying. The evidence of it is all over her bloodshot eyes and red, streaked cheeks and it’s all my fault.
“Dinner sounds good, I guess,” she says, her voice strained.
I pull the truck into the parking lot and turn off the engine. As she turns to get out of the car, I reach for her arm and stop her. She freezes but doesn’t look at me.
“Baby, look at me,” I say. Lila is actually the only person I’ve ever called that, but mainly because she’s the only girl I’ve ever genuinely been in love with, at least in a way that using endearing pet names doesn’t seem totally cheesy.
She wipes her eyes with her free hand and then reluctantly turns to me in the seat. It kills me to see the sadness in her eyes. Any other girl and I’d probably have bailed out by now. Too much pressure and heavy emotions, but with Lila, I don’t want to lose her. Ever.
I pull her across the seat toward me, not stopping until she’s right beside me. Then I take a deep breath and do the best I can to explain how I feel. “I promise I’m not going anywhere. You and I have lots of road trips and fights and hot steamy sex ahead of us.” I mentally shake my head at myself. If I was writing it down, it would have sounded a hell of a lot better. “You can even come on the road trip with me to Star Grove if you want. Granted, you’ll have to put up with my mom and dad’s arguing and shit.”
The corners of her lips quirk into an almost smile. “You want me to go with you?”
“I always want you to go with me,” I say. “I just hate taking you up there around all the fighting.”
“I can handle fighting,” she insists, seeming so much happier. “I just want to make sure that you want me to come with you.”
“Of course I do,” I say, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. Then I aim a teasing grin at her. “And I’m not going anywhere. As much as you’re a pain in the ass, I always want you with me.”
Her smile breaks through and she cups my face in her hands and pulls my lips to hers. She kisses me until I become breathless, which is the fucking pussiest thing to say, yet it’s fucking happening.
Then she’s pulling away, blinking her eyes with a small smile on her lips and all I want to do is hold on to her. “All right, you won me over. I’ll drop the whole marriage and future talk for a while.”
“You’re just going to drop it like that?” I ask, stunned she’s making it that easy.
Her shoulders rise and fall as she shrugs. “Yeah, I mean, you said we have a lot of road trips ahead of us and that’s all I really wanted to know.”
“Yeah, but…” I drift off, wondering why I’m not letting it go, when she’s dropping it like I wanted… or thought I’d wanted. But she’s got me thinking about stuff and now it seems hard just to stop processing where I see us down the road together. Taking trips. Kissing. Talking. Living in a cabin somewhere in the mountains where I could watch her bathe in a pond all the time. Is that where I see myself? Is that where I see us?
Dammit, where is my head going?
She slides over to the passenger door and hops out of the truck with a spring in her walk and her ass shaking in the pair of cutoffs she’s wearing. And I’m left watching her and wondering what the fuck is wrong with my head.
Chapter 3
Lila
I’m feeling a little bit better, despite the fact that I’m starving. I’ve never been a fan of cafés but right now I’d settle for anything that didn’t come in a box or a can. After we’re seated in a booth, I search the menu, my belly grumbling as the waitress fills up our waters. We order our drinks and then I run my fingers along the list of appetizers, singing along with the song playing through the speakers, one that I don’t know the name of but have heard a ton of times.
Ethan watches me with a curious expression, the sleeves of his plaid shirt pushed up so I can see all his tattoos and the lean muscles in his arms. “Since when do you know ‘Creep’ by Radiohead?”
“You’re always listening to it,” I point out. “And somehow, despite my protest, the lyrics have managed to get themselves stuck inside my head.”
He gives me this strange look, like he’s realizing something that scares him. Then he fixes his attention on the menu in front of him, his forehead creasing. He reads for a few moments and then lets out a frustrated breath, shutting his menu and turning in the booth toward me. “Okay, was that like some sort of reverse psychology or something?”
I gape at him, confused. “What are you talking about?”
He roughly rakes his fingers through his hair, seeming irritated. “That stuff back in the truck… about being okay with not knowing now…” He lowers his arm onto the table. “About being okay not knowing if we’ll be together five or ten years down the road.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I say. “What I meant was that I felt better because you said we had a lot of stuff ahead of us and that’s all I really wanted—to know we had some sort of future ahead of us.”
He still looks confused, his lips parting, and I can tell he’s about to say something that’s going to either completely and utterly make me happy for a very long time or break me apart. But then he snaps his jaw shut when the waitress returns to take our orders. I order mozzarella sticks, a chicken sandwich, and piece of chocolate cake, and Ethan orders enough to feed a small village.
“We’ll have leftovers for the road,” he says after the waitress leaves. “That way we don’t have to stop a lot.”
>
I glare at him. “Please. Not the no-stopping-unless-we’re-in-dire-need policy. I revoked that after the near-peeing-my-pants accident.”
He laughs, recollecting the memory with a thoughtful look on his face. “Hey, there was an upside to that,” he says. “I got to watch you pee in a cup.”
“You got to see me try peeing in a cup,” I remind him, narrowing my eyes. “It didn’t work.”
“Hey, it always works for me,” he says, still grinning. “It’s not my fault your girl part can’t aim right.”
I maliciously reach over and grab his manly part, giving it a good rub to mess with his head. “Need I remind you what my girl part can do to your boy part?” I take his hand and put it between my legs; then I smile when he starts to touch me between the legs. We’re completely hidden by the table, although the orgasmic look on his face might give us away.
“Never make fun of my girl part again,” I say. “And stop calling it a girl part. It’s weird.”
“What do you want me to call it?” he asks with a dark grin. “Your wet, dripping—”
I slap my hand over his mouth, stifling a laugh. “Not so loud.”
Ethan has this thing with never getting embarrassed in public. In fact, one time he proceeded to tell me, in a very loud voice, the various positions he was going to fuck me in over the course of the night. He then proceeded to give me a demonstration of what I was going to sound like when I was coming. We were in a McDonald’s and a lot of people weren’t very happy about it. Still, he did make good with his word and tried all the positions on me and I did scream out just like he had predicted.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, his fingers wandering to my side. They dig inward and he guides me closer to him in the booth until I’m practically on his lap.
“How you did me that one night in all those different, crazy positions,” I say, biting on my lip when his grip tightens even more and hot tingles course up and down my inner thighs.
Lila and Ethan: Forever and Always: A Short Story Page 3