by Lea Coll
“I’m fine though. I’m taking that shower now.”
Callie’s face filled with uncertainty.
I turned on the water in his shower, waiting for it to turn hot. Reid wasn’t going to change. He’d hidden his speech impediment his entire life. I was stupid to think that falling in love with me would open his eyes to other possibilities for his life. One filled with openness, honesty, and growth.
I ignored the nagging thought that I hadn’t changed much either. I put my parents first in a way that I was starting to think might be unhealthy.
I was grateful Reid insisted I go with him Sunday night. I was sore, exhausted. I was in no shape to care for my mother even if it was time to go back to my real life.
I undressed before stepping into the shower, letting the hot water slide over my hair, my face, down my body. Was this how we could be together? Me pushing him to go outside his comfort zone, him forcing me to take care of myself?
Tears pricked my eyes. He wasn’t here. I knew he was busy, he was in season, that he had an away game this weekend. Selfishly, I wanted him here. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay. That he didn’t blame me for what happened with Lena.
Tears slid down my face. I was one-hundred-percent in love with him, but we might not work out. We might not be compatible. We both came into the relationship with considerable hang-ups. Love might not be enough to overcome them.
After my shower, I felt hollowed out, a shell of myself. I needed to check on my mom. I also needed to create some space between Reid and me. If he felt the same way as he did Sunday, I needed to come to terms with us not being a thing anymore.
I packed before hugging Callie. “No matter what happens, we’re friends.”
I pulled back from her, seeing the relaxed expression on her face. “I like that. I still think you guys—”
I held up my hand. “I don’t want to talk about Reid.”
She nodded slowly. “At least let me drive you home so you don’t have to call an Uber.”
“Thank you.” My car would be in the shop for a few more days. Riding home in Callie’s car, I felt as if I was making a mistake, moving away from the most important thing in my life to the one that had always held me back.
I couldn’t help questioning whether I should be demanding changes in him when I wasn’t willing to make any myself. I’d dealt with my parents the same way since high school based on the idea that you were supposed to take care of your parents when they needed you.
Callie dropped me off at my parents’ house. I was relieved they’d hired a part-time nurse to help but I wanted to check in with the new nurse, Darlene, and my mother. I followed Darlene into the sunroom where my mother sat reading next to my father who was on his laptop. When he saw me he closed it, putting it aside.
I walked over to hug and kiss them, asking Mom, “How are you?”
I sat on the couch across from them, searching for any visible injuries.
“I’m doing better. Just some bumps and bruises.”
I smiled weakly, shifting on the couch to ease the soreness in my neck and back. “I wanted to see for myself.”
Mom’s eyes filled with pain, guilt. “I’m sorry you got into an accident on your way to see me.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“No. That’s not.” She exchanged a look with my dad. When he nodded, she continued, “but over the years your father and I have leaned on you, probably too much. We asked for your advice, had you research doctors—”
“I didn’t mind. I wanted to help”
She held up her hand as if to stop me. “You stayed local. You didn’t go away to college, you opened your firm here. How much of that is because of my illness?”
I opened my mouth to respond.
“And don’t say you didn’t mind.”
“I stayed close so I could help out,” I said carefully. The last thing I wanted was for her to feel guilty after she was injured.
“I think subconsciously I knew that. I wanted you close. I needed your help, but I should have backed off at some point, allowed you to have your own life.”
“I have my own life.” I had missed out on a social life in high school and college, a steady boyfriend. Ultimately, it was my choice.
“You’ve never pushed away a boyfriend because we were too much?”
I opened my mouth only to close it, wondering if it was my accident that caused her to reflect.
“That’s what I thought. We kept you close over the years and it was selfish. We have Darlene, a part-time nurse, and if I need more care, we’ll hire a full-time nurse. I don’t want you to think you can’t have your own life, a boyfriend, marriage and a family someday.”
“That’s a good idea.” Tension eased from my sore muscles. The thought of not being the primary means of support was freeing. It made me think they’d be open to me dating Reid.
“We’re both sorry we made you feel like you always had to drop everything to be there for us. We need to handle more on our own.”
“I’m not going to argue with that. It has been stressful at times.” As much as I didn’t want her to feel guilty, her apology was necessary for us to move forward, handling things differently. Our relationship would be healthier now.
“You can still be here for us, but we have help now too,” Dad said.
I was grateful they’d seen how things had been for me over the years and I was hopeful for the future.
We talked about other things, my recovery, Kids Speak’s holiday gala that was quickly approaching, and their upcoming charity functions.
When my headache worsened, I said my goodbyes, calling an Uber so I could go home to rest. I’d pushed myself, resulting in more pain.
I took pain medication to relieve the ache in my neck, settling into bed when there was a pounding on my door. My heart galloped in my chest hoping it was Reid.
I checked the window, seeing him running his hands through his hair. He was frustrated. I pulled the door open.
“Reid. What are you doing here?” At the same time, he said, “You left. I wanted to talk to you.”
I opened my door wider in a silent invitation for him to come inside. “I wanted to check in with my mother.”
“Right. How is she?” His hair was disheveled as if he kept raking his hands through it. His eyes darted around as if looking for something before finally resting on me.
“She’s good. Dad hired a nurse, so they have help.”
“Good. Good. What about you? Are you overdoing it?” He stopped pacing the living room to examine me.
“I have some pain. It’s not a big deal. I’ll feel better in a couple of days.” I sat on the couch, gesturing for him to join me. I waited until he sat next to me, his leg touching mine. He was close yet so far away. After Sunday night, I wasn’t sure I had the right to hold his hand or hug him.
“I’d feel better if you stayed in my condo.”
“You’re never there. I understand you’re busy but I have a life too. I don’t want to inconvenience Callie. She has things to do.”
“She works for me as long as it doesn’t interfere with her classes. She said she was able to study when you slept.”
I hesitated, not sure it was time to discuss what happened before the accident. “It didn’t feel right after Sunday night.”
“What do you mean?”
“Reid. You told me to leave. It didn’t sound like you wanted us to be together anymore.” My heart beat loudly in my ears.
“I fucked up.” His voice was harsh, full of recrimination.
“Do you feel that way because I was in an accident?”
“I felt awful when Callie finally got a hold of me. I was sleeping when your dad tried calling.”
I shook my head. “The accident doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything.” For the first time since he’d walked into my house looking disheveled and agitated, his shoulders lowered, his eyes focused on mine.
“Reid.” I was in an accident. It was scary but it didn’t change that we had fundamentally different ideas about how we should live our lives. “Our differences are insurmountable.”
“They’re not.”
“They are. You want to hide away forever. I get it. Your dad’s an asshole. Coming out, being authentic is scary. I would never force you to do anything you didn’t want to.”
“I shouldn’t have told you to leave on Sunday. I should have listened to you. I know you didn’t have a choice.”
The balloon inside my chest, the one that filled each day he’d stayed away from the apartment, seemingly avoiding talking to me, deflated at his words. “What are you saying?”
“Lena’s pushing this. I get it.”
“You blamed me.” I couldn’t keep the hurt out of my tone.
“I shouldn’t have. It’s not your call to make.”
“You told me to leave. I don’t think I can explain what that felt like.” Like the floor disappeared under my feet, leaving me in a free fall.
“I’m so sorry, Dylan. I lashed out at you because I was scared.”
He was saying all the right things. I couldn’t forget what he’d said. Just leave. It was so final, so devastating that he could so easily dismiss what we had. I wasn’t sure I could open myself up like that again.
“I know me coming here to apologize isn’t enough. I’m going to prove it to you.” Reid stood, making his way to the door.
I followed him, my heart dropping that he was leaving me again. I placed a hand on his arm. “Prove what to me?”
He turned to me. “That you’re the one. It was so hard to lay next to you the last couple of nights, not being able to hold you tight, to tell you how I felt, because I didn’t want to hurt you again physically or emotionally. There’s things I need to do.”
“What things?”
“It’s better if I show you. I need some time.”
My stomach dropped. I was lying when I’d said I wanted space. I’d wanted an apology, a declaration of love, a promise it wouldn’t happen again, knowing that one of us would probably screw up again.
I wanted him to fight for me. I wanted him to tell me again we weren’t fundamentally different. In fact, we might just be perfect for each other. I’d encourage him to come out of his shell, he’d remind me to take care of myself. We’d support each other no matter what.
He opened the door as if to leave. I had the sinking feeling I’d screwed up. I wanted him to fight for me. Instead, he was walking away.
“Where does this leave us?” My tone rose in pitch, sounding almost desperate.
He turned, cupping my cheek. “I love you. I’m going to prove that I deserve you.”
“You don’t need to prove anything to me. You deserve everything.” I hated that his father made him doubt his worth.
He kissed my lips softly, whispering, “Good night.”
I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to argue with him that he was perfect the way he was. I let him go, hoping he’d come back to me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
REID
Walking away from her was harder than pushing my body to the limits in a football game. The need to be someone worthy of her took over my desire to be with her, to hold her, to sink inside her.
The next time we were together, she’d know that I wasn’t hiding behind a fake persona anymore. I wanted to be true to myself. I wanted her to be proud of me. I was determined to be the man she deserved.
I called Callie on the way home, asking her to keep an eye on Dylan. She was uncharacteristically snappy. She said she would because she was Dylan’s friend in this situation not mine. I backed off. It didn’t matter to me why she did, just that she did.
The next couple of weeks were going to be busy because we had two away games. I wanted to fit in as many speech sessions as I could between now and the Kids Speak’s gala.
I knocked on Lena’s door prepared to do battle to get what I wanted. I’d agree to be the spokesman but I had stipulations.
“Come in.” Lena glanced up at me.
I settled into the chair across from her. “Dylan told me you wanted me to be the spokesperson for Kids Speak.”
“That’s right.”
“I’ll do it with a few conditions.”
She narrowed her eyes at me.
“I want to do a clinic day with the kids at the stadium. We’ll have contests, give out jerseys to every kid. I want to start a camp for the kids too. Maybe hold it at the practice facility.”
She arched a brow. “Anything else?”
“If I’m the spokesman, it will be on my terms. I’ll speak about my experiences with a speech impairment, my involvement with Kids Speak. My family and my relationship with Dylan are off-limits unless I choose to speak about them.”
Her forehead wrinkled as she slowly shook her head. “You have a speech impairment. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was ashamed. I worried you’d push me to come forward.”
She smiled slightly. “I probably would have. You’re going to be the perfect spokesperson.”
“I hope so. I want to speak at the gala, but Dylan can’t know. I want it to be a surprise.” I already spoke with Hadley and Avery, trusting them to keep it a secret.
Lena’s eyes shone with a newfound respect for me. “I approve.”
I outlined my plan to get some help over the next few weeks. She was on board with my plans. I left her office feeling better than I had in years because I was taking charge of my life. I wasn’t hiding in the shadows worried someone would discover my secret. I was being true to myself.
I hoped that attitude would bleed through to the kids in the program. It would make everything worth it.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
DYLAN
The Kids Speak holiday gala was held at the Press Box inside the stadium. Reid invited his family, getting them rooms at the hotel. I invited mine even though I wasn’t sure they would attend. Mom’s legs were still weak. She didn’t like going out in public in a wheelchair or using a walker.
Reid was busy the last couple of weeks with back-to-back away games. He’d kept in touch with frequent texts and video chats. My favorite was the sign he’d held up on the bench saying I miss Dylan. It was sweet, more so because Reid never brought attention to himself.
I wondered if this was part of his plan to prove himself to me. If so, I wanted to tell him grand gestures weren’t necessary. I just wanted him.
“Everything looks amazing,” Avery said.
We’d gone shopping for gowns together last week. It had been good to get together with my friends. I hadn’t mentioned Reid. He didn’t act like a man who wanted to break up. I felt like I was walking on rocky ground, unsure of where we stood.
“Lena handled most of it.” I grabbed a glass of champagne as a waiter passed, taking a sip to soothe my dry throat.
The modern club-level room with views of the field had been transformed into a winter wonderland with white drapes, large red flowers, greenery-filled centerpieces, shiny red, green, and gold bulbs were strung across the ceiling and the bar. Christmas trees adorned each corner with a massive one in front of the window that held gift tags people could take with gift ideas for local families in need, then return them to our drop-off boxes we’d placed around the city.
I took another sip of my champagne, watching the slide show of pictures from our program playing on the largest screen I’d ever seen hanging on the wall.
“You should be proud. You’ve done an amazing job.”
“We’ve done an amazing job. We wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t had an idea to start the program,” I said to Hadley.
“Let’s toast.” Avery moved so that we were in a small circle facing each other, our glasses lifted.
“To Kids Speak in New Orleans, Annapolis, and now Baltimore,” Avery started.
“May we continue to expand into other cities,” Hadley added.
“Helping more children—”
“And adults,” Reid’s voice came from behind me, making me shiver.
I turned to find him standing behind me, a smile on his face. “Hey, I thought you were going to be late.”
“I got done early. Everything looks amazing.” Reid’s eyes slid appreciatively around the room before resting on me. “You look gorgeous.”
I’d chosen the red dress for the holiday. It reminded me of the gown I wore on our blind date. Except this one was sparkly. “Thanks. I want to take credit, but this is all Lena and her design team.”
The party was more elaborate, more luxurious than anything we’d done in the past. The Press Box was usually reserved for black-tie affairs. I was grateful Lena offered it to us. I hoped it attracted more donors and possibly even attention to our cause.
“This is my friend, Quinton.” Reid put his arm around the six-year-old boy who stood next to him, introducing him to Hadley then Avery.
I hadn’t realized Reid invited him. What was more noticeable was he’d used several r’s in his sentence. His enunciation was pretty good. It wasn’t perfect. It was unlikely anyone would notice unless they were listening for it.
I looked up at him in surprise. All he did was shake his head as if to say not now.
I had so many questions as I crouched down on Quinton’s level. “Hi Quinton. I’m so happy you’re here. Did you grab one of the presents at the front?”
Quinton nodded with a smile.
I’d made sure there was food appropriate for children, and a small gift to keep them busy during the event. “If you need anything, come find me or Reid.”
Quinton nodded again as I stood, moving closer to Reid.
Was this why Reid needed time to prove himself? I hoped he didn’t think I needed him to speak eloquently for me to be with him when I just wanted him to be true to himself. I wrapped a hand around his arm, wanting to tell him that when Lena stood at the podium telling everyone to have a seat.