by Lynne Graham
She was happy about the baby but terrified of losing Zac, and her pregnancy had to mean the beginning of the end for their marriage. There, now she knew what was wrong with her. It was fear of the massive changes ahead of her, of rebuilding a life that would seem empty without him. No more Zac. No more smiles or jokes or kisses. No more unexpected gifts. No more envious looks from other women. No more stories about Brazil. She would never visit Brazil now. Zac had been planning to take her there once the adoption was finalised but it wouldn’t happen now. She had missed that boat.
She would never see the horse ranch where he had spent his early years. She would never meet his grandmother on the Amazonian rubber plantation where the old lady still lived in her retirement. She would never attend the carnival in Rio with him or see the beautiful women strolling along Copacabana beach in scanty swimwear, whom Zac had admitted fantasising about as a teenager. He had shared so much with her about his background and homeland but now he would never take her to Brazil because she was pregnant and what would be the point? From now on he would see everything through the prism of the reality that he would soon be splitting up with her.
Dear heaven, would he expect her to be all jolly and friendly about the divorce? Well, she would look like an idiot if she got upset and he realised she had become extremely attached to him. She remembered the young woman in Klosters whom he had shunned for fear that, given encouragement, she would cling to him like a limpet. Freddie had no desire to be Zac’s limpet in life. She would be strong and sensible. She wouldn’t let him guess how she felt.
Zac was waiting at the cemetery gates for her with his bodyguards. He told her off for not using the limo or taking her bodyguard out with her.
‘I felt like a walk alone,’ she mumbled, walking through the gates with only the hum of a mower and the traffic beyond the walls infiltrating the emptiness.
‘It was such a waste. She was so young,’ she told him as she laid down her flowers and backed away to sit on a bench nearby.
Zac didn’t voice any of the empty clichés that were often utilised in such moments. He settled down beside her and closed a soothing arm round her taut shoulders.
‘I still feel so guilty,’ Freddie admitted convulsively. ‘I kind of used to blame her for falling into drugs but, the last year of her life, she told me something that has haunted me ever since. I wish she had told me a lot sooner and then I would’ve understood better, but she thought I was too young and she didn’t want to upset me.’
‘What did she tell you?’ Zac prompted when the silence dragged on.
‘We were put in a care home the first few weeks after our parents died.’ Freddie struggled to control her turbulent emotions. ‘When Lauren was pregnant with Jack, she told me that she was raped there but she didn’t report it because she was threatened and she was scared something would happen to me. It’s so ugly.’
‘But not your fault. You were a child,’ Zac soothed.
‘You see, she changed but I didn’t know why. Wherever we were she looked after me like a mother hen and then, when she got old enough to leave foster care, she fell in with a bad set of people and everything went downhill after that. She couldn’t cope with life on her own.’
‘You did everything you could to help her,’ Zac interposed. ‘Freddie... I’ve lost friends to drugs and not everyone is capable of what it takes to get clean. I think you need to believe that she’s gone to a better place and forgive yourself for not being able to save her.’
‘Yes,’ she mumbled tearfully, loving him so much at that instant that she almost sobbed all over him.
‘And perhaps we could get her a nicer headstone,’ Zac suggested lightly.
‘It was the best we could afford at the time. Claire paid for everything. Gosh, I still owe her the money for that.’ Freddie sighed.
‘I’ll take care of it. Shall I wait at the gates for you?’ Zac asked. ‘Maybe you’d like to spend a few minutes here on your own.’
Nodding jerkily, Freddie watched the love of her life stride away, tall and straight and full of innate power and confidence. Lauren had said that Cruz was ‘the one’ for her and Freddie, who had never been in love, hadn’t really understood the strength of such emotions, had not grasped that her sister simply didn’t have the power to break away from her toxic boyfriend. But she understood now.
And for the first time she saw a clear path in front of her. One of the elements she most valued in her relationship with Zac was the level of honesty with which they dealt with each other. She had to tell him that she was pregnant immediately, she decided heavily. She couldn’t keep secrets from him. But she could act on her own behalf like a strong, independent woman and walk away first.
It would hurt like hell, she knew it would, but at least it would cut out any ‘will he, won’t he?’ scenarios in which she hoped for more from him than he wanted to give. If she made the first move, there would be no humiliating emotional scenes between them and their relationship would remain stable in the future, which was very important from the children’s point of view.
Zac, after all, hadn’t shifted an inch in his attitude towards their marriage. It wasn’t even fair for her to expect more from him. He was good to her, really good, but he didn’t love her, nor did he want to keep her for ever. Sadly, she wasn’t ‘the one’ for Zac da Rocha, because if she had been he would surely have said something after two months of marriage. Instead he was still reminding her that what they had was a temporary marriage.
Her mind made up, Freddie rose from the bench to leave the cemetery.
CHAPTER TEN
‘I HAVE NEWS for you,’ Freddie announced with false bravado when she climbed into the limousine with Zac. ‘I’m pregnant.’
‘How do you know? I mean...’ perplexed, Zac stared at her, black brows drawn together ‘...are you certain?’
‘Well, I haven’t seen a doctor yet, but I’ve done three pregnancy tests,’ she told him.
Zac continued to stare at her, evidently astonished by her announcement. ‘We’ll make an appointment for today.’
‘Maybe for tomorrow. That would be time enough. I’m only about six or seven weeks along at most,’ she pointed out. ‘So, there you are, we’ve done it!’
‘I wasn’t prepared for it to happen so soon,’ Zac admitted tautly. ‘But it’s wonderful news.’
‘Yes,’ Freddie agreed. ‘Hopefully by the middle of next year, you’ll be sitting in the CEO chair of the da Rocha business empire. Bearing that in mind, I think it’s time that we take stock of our situation and make plans for the future.’
Their situation? Zac didn’t like that description of their marriage. He studied Freddie’s flat stomach, striving to imagine a baby in there. His baby! He was transfixed by the concept until he recalled the many pregnancy complications that had assailed his mother. Every time he’d seen her, she had either been pregnant or just getting over another heartbreaking loss. Something very like panic attacked Zac as he looked at Freddie’s fragile little body and thought in horror of all that could go wrong. Run, don’t walk, to the doctor, he decided instantly.
‘I would very much prefer you to see a doctor today, meu pequenino,’ Zac told her squarely, wanting her tested and screened and scanned within an inch of her life at every stage of her pregnancy.
‘Once we’ve decided what comes next,’ Freddie agreed for the sake of peace as they walked back into The Palm Tree. ‘Could we go into the bar for a while? I’d love a cappuccino.’
Zac glanced at her in surprise because she normally avoided the bar where she had once worked. But Freddie wanted a public space free of children in which to talk to Zac and the bar was the most convenient option. It was even better that he would soon have to leave to meet his father for lunch.
Within minutes they were seated out on the quiet terrace, free of the lunchtime crowds.
Zac was already on his pho
ne, talking to Angel about which obstetrician Merry was seeing while she was in London. Obtaining the number, he rang and made an appointment for late afternoon. Only then did he give Freddie his full attention.
‘I think we need a little distance from each other now,’ Freddie informed him with a resolutely cheerful smile. ‘I want to move straight into Molderstone and supervise the work there. I know the adoption application is still ongoing but you can visit whenever you like and you’ve got to admit that the penthouse is hopeless for the kids.’
Zac felt as if someone had crept up behind him with a large plank and bashed him on the head without warning. Her proposal had zero appeal for him. ‘But—’
‘It’s what I want. My own space with the kids. I’ve hopefully met the terms of our agreement and our marriage is on the way out now.’
‘It didn’t feel like it was on the way out last night,’ Zac was goaded into protesting.
Her colour rising at the reminder, Freddie gave him a steely appraisal. ‘But we have to put that kind of stuff in the past now and work on establishing a friendly, platonic relationship.’
Zac tried hard to credit that this version of Freddie was still his Freddie. Native caution kept him silent. The minute she conceived, she wanted to ditch him, deprive him of the kids and move miles away to her dream house, which was probably anything but a dream house, full of workmen as it currently was. What had come over her? But she said this was what she wanted. Zac was in shock.
‘You were keen for us to maintain a good relationship after we parted,’ Freddie reminded him ruefully.
That was true, Zac conceded as he struggled to breathe evenly with a constricted chest.
‘You want your freedom back,’ Freddie continued.
That was true, wasn’t it? Zac’s mind was a blank at that definitive moment. All he could see in his brain was Freddie versus freedom in block capital letters although he wouldn’t be moving with them.
‘And just think of how free you’ll be with all of us out of your hair!’ Freddie invited with yet another bright smile, as if she could hardly wait to get on the road and away from him.
A ghastly suspicion occurred to Zac then. Maybe right from the start Freddie had craved exactly this conclusion; maybe she wasn’t as uninterested in his wealth as she had pretended. She had money now, a new home, and Eloise and Jack were well on the way to becoming theirs. She had kept her part of the bargain and now it was time for him to hold up his end of the deal. He didn’t like the idea of his baby being part of a deal, but when she was so eager as to call time on their marriage the very same day that she found out she was pregnant, it was clear that she wanted her freedom back and had no hesitation in demanding it.
He was so angry with her that he didn’t trust himself to speak. He could barely credit that only the night before they had been arguing about colour schemes for the house she was now planning to occupy without him. Or maybe her motivation was even more basic, he reasoned. Maybe she didn’t like him or being married to him, which made her a heck of a good actress and him a sentimental idiot, he conceded grimly.
‘Zac...?’ Freddie prompted.
‘We’ll see Merry’s obstetrician this afternoon and you can leave first thing in the morning,’ Zac drawled stonily, his jaw line clenched, the exotic slant of his cheekbones flushed below eyes as cold as Siberian ice.
Freddie hesitated and weakness shot straight into the gap in her concentration.
‘This is what you want as well, isn’t it?’ she pressed.
‘It’s pretty much what we agreed,’ Zac conceded carelessly, and then he drained his expresso in one unappreciative gulp and sprang back upright, all leashed vitality and masculine restlessness. ‘Look, I’d better make a move if I don’t want to keep my father waiting. He hates it if you’re late.’
‘Give him my love.’
Zac froze and turned a chilling look on her. ‘Bit pointless now, isn’t it? You’re on the way out of the family.’
Freddie sucked in a great shuddering breath as he strode off the terrace. She had believed he would be happier about both the pregnancy and her plans to move back out of his life. Instead he seemed angry, hostile, almost bitter. Was that because she had taken him by surprise when she had taken the lead for a change in making a major decision? She supposed it must be. Zac liked to do things at his own pace in his own way and he had been disconcerted and annoyed by her sudden decision. She wanted to weep into her cappuccino like a limp weed of a woman but she didn’t. Instead, she went back upstairs to lunch with the children and pretend that she had not a care in the world.
Late afternoon, Zac reappeared to take her to the obstetrician’s appointment. A lot of tests were carried out before she was ushered into Mr Simonides’s presence. He confirmed her pregnancy and gave her a scan. Freddie stared rigidly at the screen, both she and Zac behaving rather like two strangers forced to share a waiting room. She wasn’t used to Zac being quiet or cold and it unnerved her. The steady beat of their baby’s heart broke the silence and her eyes welled up with helpless tears of awe as she concentrated on the screen showing nothing as yet recognisable as a baby.
‘That’s it?’ Zac stood up to move closer and asked several questions, demonstrating more interest and knowledge than she had expected.
When she walked back out onto the street, Zac wiped his damp eyes and said gruffly, ‘That was fascinating. I won’t miss a single appointment,’ he swore.
And then, his cold façade having cracked for that split second, he got down on his knees with Eloise and Jack and patiently explained that they were moving to the house in the country where they had had the picnic but that, although he wouldn’t be moving with them, they would still see lots of him. Jack didn’t understand a word of that explanation but Eloise burst into tears, and Zac shot Freddie an accusing glance and hugged the little girl. A few minutes later, Zac stood up, announced that he was going out and didn’t know how late he would be back but that he might not see them before they left in the morning.
Freddie was shocked by that news. It was as if Zac was rushing out of the door to reclaim his precious freedom while she was stuck for the evening with a grieving Eloise and a nauseous tummy that nothing would settle. She didn’t sleep a wink that night.
* * *
The north wing was in a huge mess with builders’ supplies stacked everywhere, but the required number of bedrooms and bathrooms and a temporary kitchen space were functional and Freddie gritted her teeth and got on with settling in. It was very unfortunate that she had never learned to drive because Jen had to take her shopping in the nearest town. Driving lessons were a must, she registered, and she was lucky she had the children to keep her focussed. Unfortunately, however, the name ‘Zac’ was flung at her by Eloise and even Jack multiple times a day, and just forty-eight hours after leaving London Freddie was struggling to cope and stay strong.
Leaving Zac had cut her in two. She had not appreciated how much she depended on him until he was gone from her life. All the sunshine in her world had evaporated. There was nothing to look forward to but the baby and the baby was making her very, very sick. The children were miserable and so was she. She fought to keep busy and tried to stop dwelling on the loss of him. After all, he would have left her anyway, and at least this way she had chosen the timing.
* * *
Zac lounged back in his usual seat on the bar terrace and drank his coffee because he was definitely feeling a little the worse for wear. Two late nights on the town in succession had drained him and coming home to the empty penthouse hadn’t helped.
Freddie occupied every one of his thoughts and it was driving him insane. He remembered his first glimpse of her in the bar, the instant lust she had inspired in him. He pictured her delivering drinks, the fluid glide of her walk that by late evening would be stiff because her feet were hurting her, the cheeky grin that lit up her face when someone made he
r laugh, the warmth in her eyes when she looked at him. No, that was a much later memory, he reminded himself. There had been no warmth those first weeks, only distrust and wariness, and that was hardly surprising when he considered the crude way he had first approached her.
Regret and frustration coursed through Zac in violent waves. A woman had never walked out on him before. Could it really have been that his money was his sole attraction in her eyes? But the minute he considered that idea, he dismissed it again. Freddie was the woman who had offered to set him free the day after their wedding, even though that could well have meant that she lost the children and it would have seriously reduced any financial support she was entitled to receive from him. Freddie didn’t have a greedy bone in her body. She had put his needs before her own that day, he finally acknowledged with regret.
What if she was doing that again? Giving him what she thought he wanted and needed?
That idea shot a bright clarifying light through Zac’s dark brooding thoughts and a moment later he was on his feet and heading back up to the penthouse. It was a dull, overly silent and depressing space without Freddie and the children. He hated it. He hated waking up alone in bed as well. He hated lying about why she and the children had left London. To say that Freddie was supervising the builders was a joke because Freddie knew as much about building as he did about cooking, but for the sake of the adoption they had to keep up the illusion that they were a perfectly happy married couple...which meant that when he turned up, she wouldn’t dare turn him away from the door!
Energised by that certainty, Zac went for a shower, decided not to waste time shaving and packed a bag, including several gifts he had bought earlier that day. He didn’t want to be that kind of father though, one who visited rarely and brought presents to grease his passage. He enjoyed the daily hurly-burly of young children, recognising only now how very unnatural his own lonely upbringing had been on the ranch. He had spent half his life fiercely resenting the inheritance trust that would force him to have a child, only to discover late in the day that he liked children and that the sight of that tiny life on the screen at the doctor’s had filled him with longing.