“Get out,” Juliana said, as calmly as she could, still backing away.
Her grandmother looked at her in astonishment.
“Okay, it’s okay… You know I’ve had some bad reactions while trying to do this. Your Uncle Ed did not want to go either, but he was more… sad, he wasn’t angry. This is totally new. I’m not sure I know what to do here, let me just…” she trailed off and lost her balance a little.
She plopped back down on the couch. She lifted a hand to her heart and tried to calm herself. Juliana could hear her breathing getting ragged. She continued to push.
“Get out!” Sweat formed on her grandmother’s forehead; her face started to get flushed. Juliana could see that she was getting somewhere. If she could just get her a little more flustered, maybe she would be able to get her to leave.
“Leave! I don’t want you here, I never did!” Her grandmother stared at the floor and started to fan herself. She didn’t look good. If she were alive, Juliana would be worried about her health.
“You’re not welcome in this house!” Her grandmother looked up at her in horror as she said those words. Juliana knew she struck a nerve. She was close.
“You are not welcome in this house!” She repeated. As soon as the last word left her mouth, her grandmother was gone. She didn’t know where or how, but that statement had expelled her from her living room. A quick glance through the first floor assured her that her grandmother was gone.
Juliana’s mind went into overdrive. She didn’t know how much time she had; surely someone would be back to take her to the other side. If her grandmother were telling the truth, and she had no reason to believe she would lie, then Juliana had already overstayed her welcome in the world of the living. She had a feeling that the next person wouldn’t be as easy to get rid of as her grandmother.
Her mind raced. She didn’t know how much time she had left. She knew she had to use it all to get through to Ben, say goodbye, and make sure he understood that this was it. Soon, their relationship would come to an end.
She could leave him a note. As soon as she came up with the idea it felt so obvious. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t thought of it before. She would write him a note and leave it on the counter just as she always had. She ran to the kitchen and pulled out a pile of Post-It notes from the junk drawer. Her hand shook as she held the pen, poised above the paper. What was she supposed to say?
She had so much to say… and such little space in which to say it. She started with whatever popped into her mind first.
Ben,
So, I’m dead. You know that. Sorry.
Wow, that was terrible, she thought. She laughed to herself. She crumbled up the Post-It and tossed it aside. She ran her fingers through her hair. How could she get across what she wanted to say to him… she couldn’t risk leaving a longer note, she didn’t think anything longer than a few lines would be able to cross over. She needed to pack so much onto this tiny piece of yellow paper.
She wrote a few more attempts, each one a little less clumsy than the last, but none were good enough. None of them felt like the final goodbye she needed for Ben. She wanted to do their relationship, their love, and the anguish of their separation justice.
Frustrated, Juliana set the notes aside. The gravity of the situation started to hit her. Her life, well, the life she had been living for the past year, was coming to an end. And she had no way of telling Ben. In the midst of it all, she had a passing thought about her grandmother. Juliana hoped she hadn’t offended her. After all, she must be used to dealing with difficult souls. She sighed. Another reason to feel bad.
Finally, something occurred to her. She always had a better chance of reaching Ben when she was concentrating on him, thinking about him, or doing something that was connected to a certain memory of him. They used to shower together all the time, so it made sense that they would be able to be together in the shower. When she was frozen on the stairs, thinking about giving up on him, but unable to move, it was just like when she was frozen on those stairs during the fire. When they were in bed together, well… they did that a lot, too.
So, if Juliana were able to reach through to him during points when they were close, the same would make sense for an object. A Post-It had a small chance of making it through because that was what she wrote notes on for him in life. There was a connection there, but it wasn’t enough. It held no real significance for them and their relationship. If she were able to pick an object that was important to both of them, though, it would have to work.
She ran upstairs. She sat on her bed for a moment and took a deep breath. She reached for the frame that was next to her bed. She looked at the happy couple inside. She touched Ben’s face in the photo and tears snuck into her eyes. This was it, she thought. After everything that she fought for, she was about to be separated from Ben for good. She brought the frame to her face and kissed his photo. She looked into his eyes, and although she knew he wasn’t looking back, it gave her some comfort.
She turned the photo over and opened up the back of the frame. She saw Ben’s handwriting on the back, “Wedding ☺” he was a man of few words. She smiled through her tears. She took the photo out of the frame and started to write carefully on the backside of the photo.
When she finished, she stared at her note. It wasn’t everything she wanted to say. It would be impossible to get everything she wanted to relay to him down in an entire book. She decided not to tell him that she was going against her will. She didn’t want to burden him with her suffering. She had to be done being selfish. She wanted Ben to move forward and to be able to live his life to the fullest. She flipped the picture over and placed it back into the frame so that the note was visible through the glass pane. She replaced the frame on the bedside table and waited. She was ready.
Chapter Four: A Message from Beyond
Ben woke up to the feeling that someone was tugging the blankets off of him.
“Larissa, come on,” he said and pulled the sheets back to his side. They flew in his direction with no resistance. Surprised, he looked over to her side of the bed. There was no one there.
He remembered that she hadn’t slept over that night. In fact, she hadn’t been over in a while. They had sex a week or so ago, and afterward, as they were lying in bed together, Larissa said she felt something. Ben had laughed.
“Well I would hope so,” he said. He leaned over and kissed her.
“No, I mean… I don’t know. I felt something weird. Like someone else was here.”
“You mean like, watching?” Ben made a show of looking out the window and under the bed.
“I don’t see anyone,” he said.
“Not like that, I mean… I don’t know what I mean. Did you feel it?”
“No, it was just you and me Larissa,” he said.
“You’re right, sorry, I don’t know what I’m saying,” she said.
She reached for Ben and tried to rest her head on his chest, but he moved away.
“I gotta pee,” he said.
He got up and walked into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him and slumped to the floor, shaking. He had lied. He had felt someone. He felt his wife. He didn’t know how, but moments ago, as they were making love, he knew he wasn’t with Larissa. He felt Juliana. He felt her body, her soul, her warmth, it was instantly recognizable to him. It was startling at first but despite that, or maybe even because of it, he didn’t want to stop. He missed Juliana. It felt so right to be with her, to be in her, and he wanted that back. He needed it.
He hadn’t considered how Larissa had felt about it, but it didn’t matter to him. He had gotten a chance to be with Juliana and that trumped everything.
Since then, it had been as if Juliana were trying to contact him in overdrive. Especially in the bedroom. She would tug at his sheets and push him towards the edge of the bed. He almost hit his head on the nightstand more than once.
It was like she was trying to tell him something, and he wanted to listen. He st
arted tuning Larissa out. He felt bad about it, but Juliana was more important. Larissa had put up with it for a few days but started to distance herself a bit. Yesterday, they had an argument about it.
“Hello? Are you listening?”
“Yes, babe, of course, I said lasagna was fine.”
“Ben that was like ten minutes ago. How was your day?”
“Oh sorry. Yeah, fine.”
“How as the presentation?”
“Fine,” he said again, hoping she would leave him alone. All he wanted to do was skim his surroundings and wait for another sign from Juliana. He couldn’t do that when Larissa was making so much noise.
“Okay, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I think I’m going to head home for a while,” she said, sitting down on the couch next to him.
“Okay,” he replied, “no worries.”
“No, I mean… I mean, I’m going home for a while. I can give you time to sort out whatever you’re going through, and of course, if you want to talk, I’m here for you, if you think it’s something I can help you with... But I can’t live like this. At a certain point, it’s not fair to me.”
Ben saw something flicker out of the corner of his eye. He snapped his head to the left and looked.
“Did you see that?” he asked.
Larissa looked at him in disbelief.
“Ben this is exactly what I’m talking about, you’re not paying any attention to what I’m saying.”
Ben looked back at Larissa and saw the pain in her eyes. She was on the verge of tears. He definitely hadn’t taken her feelings into consideration recently, but he felt he had more important business to attend to. He felt a pang of sadness in his chest. Larissa had been so good to him, and he did have love for her. He just wasn’t in love with her the way he had been in love with his wife. Still, that didn’t mean he didn’t care about her feelings or that he wanted to hurt her, it was the opposite. She was just collateral damage.
Ben also considered how crazy it was to alienate a living, breathing woman in a quest to connect with a dead woman. It certainly didn’t make sense, but somewhere deep down, he knew it was what he had to do.
They sat in silence for a few moments. Ben was unable to say anything. Larissa got up and went upstairs to collect her things. Ben rested his face in his hands and looked at the floor.
“Okay,” she said as she returned downstairs, “bye.”
“Bye,” Ben said. He stood up from the couch and embraced her. He felt her breathing become erratic; she was trying to stifle her crying.
“I’m sorry,” he said slowly. She waited for him to say something else, anything else, but he didn’t continue.
He wanted to explain what was going on. He wanted to tell her what her companionship had meant to him during his time of need and how thankful he was for her company, patience, and understanding. How he did love her but had to let, her go. But, that all seemed so selfish. In reality, what he was doing was selfish, foolish, and risky, but he had to do it, and even if he could explain his motives to her, she wouldn’t understand. It would only make her hurt more.
“Right,” she said, turning her face away quickly and wiping her tears.
She walked out the door without looking back. The front door clicked closed behind her and Ben was left standing in complete silence. He told himself it was for the best.
Since then, he didn’t give himself time to reflect on the decision he had made. He couldn’t allow his resolve to waiver. Once in a while though, against his will, he felt a few hot tears stream down his cheeks.
Mostly he stayed upstairs. That was where he felt the strongest connections with Juliana lately. He figured that was his best chance. He lay down on the bed and thought of her. He dwelled on his favorite memories. He even thought about their fights. She was so cute when she was mad. He couldn’t ever keep a straight face. More often than not, any disagreement between the two of them ended up in laughter or sex.
Ben woke with a start, as he had a few times recently, with the sensation that someone was shaking him awake. He sat up and looked around the room. He turned the light on and examined the room again, looking for any changes or any signs that Juliana had been there. There were none. He sighed. He was hearing from her more than ever recently but still couldn’t get the breakthrough he was waiting for.
Suddenly, he heard a smack coming from next to him. He snapped his head in the direction of the sound and saw that his wedding photo had, once again, been knocked over and was lying face down on the nightstand.
He reached for the frame to prop it back up but stopped short. If Juliana was always laying it face down, maybe she wanted it that way. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. This was so frustrating. He rolled over, buried his head under his pillow, and went back to sleep.
It was Friday night, and he was relieved that the next day was Saturday. He was relieved that he didn’t have to go to work. It was exhausting. The workday would seem to drag on because all he could think about was missing something at home. When he was home, he was constantly listening, watching, and trying to feel what was going on around him. He conditioned himself to sleep lightly so that he would wake up if anything happened around him. It was beginning to take a toll on him.
He got up and took a long, hot shower. He closed his eyes and let water pour down his chest. The warmth was comforting. He rested his hands against the tiled wall in front of him. His mind slipped back to being in the shower with Juliana. He remembered the feel of the gentle softness of her body against his rigid muscular frame. He felt himself getting hard thinking about it. He wrapped a hand around his dick and started to stroke slowly himself up and down. He thought of the feel of her breasts against him and the firm but plush feeling of her ass as he grabbed it in his hands. He started to breathe heavily and stroked himself faster.
Just as he was approaching his climax, he heard a crash come from the other room. It sounded like glass had broken on the floor. He shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. He grabbed a towel and carelessly tucked it around his waist as he rushed into the other room.
He scanned the room quickly. Nothing seemed out of place. He walked to sit down on the bed, and his toe kicked a piece of glass across the floor. He stopped short. His wedding photo had been knocked off the nightstand. The glass had shattered, and the photo lay face down. He bent to pick it up. He was surprised to find that instead of their smiling faces, he saw the back of the photo instead. There was a note scrawled on the photo that he had not noticed before. He instantly recognized Juliana’s handwriting. He read with urgency.
Ben,
My darling. I miss you. I love you, I always have and I always will. We’ve proved over the last year that not even death can separate us. And I’m so sorry, but it’s about to.
I hope that my holding on to you hasn’t damaged you. I know you’re strong. I know you love me. But it’s time to move on. For both of us.
Love always,
Juliana
Ben let the frame and the note inside it drop to the floor. He was numb. He read the note again. Just when he thought he was closest to Juliana, she was trying to reach him to… to what, break up with him? That’s what it seemed like. He re-read the line about her holding on to him. How could she think she had damaged him?
He thought about that for a moment. He didn’t like to think that his wife thought she was damaging him by hanging around; communicating with her was the best part of his life. He had broken things off with Larissa because he was convinced Juliana would be back. But he was thinking of doing that anyway. She was just convenient until he could find a way to be with Juliana. But if this most recent communication with his wife were to be believed, that would all end soon.
He pulled the note from the frame and went downstairs. He was still in his towel, but he didn’t care. The note felt heavy in his hand. He squeezed it. He turned the photo over and saw his wife smiling back at him. He did what he could to smooth the photo back out. He took a be
er from the fridge and then changed his mind and pulled out a glass and a bottle of whiskey from the cabinet and took them over to the couch.
He cracked the bottle and poured himself a healthy amount. He thought about why Juliana had said what she said in the note. What had changed? Did she feel guilty; did she really think she was holding him back? If so, what had changed her mind? He took a swig from the glass. Maybe she had seen him with Larissa. He touched the coolness of the glass against his forehead. The thought of that made him feel sick to his stomach. He downed the rest of his whiskey and filled his glass back up. He looked again at the photo of his wife. He flipped the picture over and read the note again. She didn’t want to see him anymore. She was abandoning him just when he had given up Larissa to find her. It was cruel.
He sat on the couch and drank a few more glasses of whiskey. He put on a show that he thought Juliana might like with the hopes that she would connect with him again. Maybe he could ask her what she meant.
While the noise from the TV distracted him a bit, he was still left alone with his thoughts. If Juliana was really done contacting him, he had dismissed Larissa at just the wrong time. Maybe he could get her back. He picked up his phone and gave her a call. The first attempt went to voicemail. She picked up the second.
“Hello?”
“Larissa, it’s Ben,” he slurred. He was a little drunker than he had thought.
“I know, hi.”
“I… I just…” he trailed off. What did he mean? He knew he wanted her back, but getting her back would require something drastic, like telling her he loved her and he had made a big mistake. He wasn’t sure that was true.
“You just what? Ben are you drunk?”
“That’s not the point,” he responded. He needed a second to think. He was having trouble remembering why he called her in the first place.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go,” she did not sound pleased.
“Okay,” Ben didn’t put up a fight. He needed time to sort out his thoughts anyway. He put the phone back down on the table and drank some more whiskey. The bottle was almost finished.
The Campus Jock: A College Bad Boy Romance Page 57