by T. R. Ragan
Her body was losing ground, her legs and arms limp. He refused to let go of her face, his hands tight against her mouth and nose. Was this it? Was she dying? Her muscles were relaxed. She couldn’t move. With the last bit of strength she had left, she opened her mouth wide and bit down with all the force of a pit bull. She tasted his blood, relished the sound of his high-pitched squeal as he turned away.
Before he saw what she was up to, she spit out gobs of his blood onto the sidewalk where the letter was, hoping somebody would see it before it rained. Infuriated, he took a fistful of her hair and dragged her body across the lawn. He walked fast enough that her hip bounced off of the curb and onto the pavement. She couldn’t feel a thing. Her body was numb, but her mind was alert. She screamed at the top of her lungs just as Lizzy Gardner had said to do, but no sound came out.
Chapter 25
Friday, February 19, 2010 8:24 PM
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror in an oversized T-shirt and a pair of sweats, Lizzy towel dried her hair as she stared at her reflection. Her left eye twitched. She pointed a finger at her reflection. “Come on, you can do it. Cry, dammit! Do you hear me? You’ve got to feel something. Cry and get it all out. Everybody is blaming you for everything bad in the world and you still can’t cry?”
She grabbed her toothbrush from the top drawer, squirted toothpaste onto the brush, and scrubbed her teeth and gums a little too hard. After a good rinsing, she dragged a comb through her hair.
Done primping, she found Jared in the kitchen making tea. He wore slacks and a white button-down shirt. His sleeves were rolled to just above his elbows. His tie was draped over a canvas bag by the front door. Because of last night’s incident with Maggie, he’d informed her he was moving in for a while.
She looked at the spot where Maggie’s dishes used to be and noticed Jared had put everything away. Their eyes met. “The shower is all yours,” she said.
“Thanks.”
Thumbing through the phone messages, she tried to pretend everything was okay, tried to concentrate on little things like breathing. Another good example of why she couldn’t live with anyone. She tried to put on a brave front, tried not to jump every time a car honked outside or a tree branch creaked in the wind.
She was a wreck. She was damaged goods. She couldn’t cry. She couldn’t feel. But shit yeah, she could jump at the snap of a finger.
“You have two phone calls from Nancy Moreno, the news anchor from Channel 10,” Jared said as he poured hot water over the tea bag in an ugly brown mug.
“She probably wants an interview,” Lizzy said. No way was she calling Moreno back. Feeling on edge, she watched Jared fix his tea. She wondered if he remembered making love to her all those years ago. She was in one of her moods. Exhausted, jittery. She already knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep after everything that had happened.
Jared looked so damn prim and proper, a perfect gentleman. For some reason it pissed her off. She wanted to mess his hair and rip off his shirt, see what was hidden beneath that cool exterior of his. See what his reaction would be. She wanted to nibble on his ear, taste him, feel him hard against her. She wanted to be on top.
She went to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer from way in the back. “Do you want a beer?”
“You’ve been holding out on me.” Leaving his tea behind, he opened both beers and handed an open bottle back to her.
She took a swig, hardly tasted a thing as the cold liquid slid down her throat. She went to the front room, plunked down on the couch and took another swallow. Nothing. She couldn’t cry and she couldn’t taste the fucking beer.
Jared joined her.
“Tell me about the woman you were engaged to,” she said.
“Peggy?”
“Was that her name?”
“You want to know about Peggy?”
Yes and no. “Yes.”
He sat on the other side of the couch, too far to reach out and touch him unless she stretched out a leg and put her foot on his lap. What would he do if she rubbed her toes against his crotch?
He sat back and held the beer between his thighs. “Peggy was a sweet girl. We met in college. She was studying law. I was studying psychology.”
“Have you seen her lately?”
He took in a mouthful of beer and swallowed. “No.”
“Do you miss her?”
“I think about her sometimes.”
Shit. He couldn’t even spit out a little white lie? “What do you think about when you think of her?”
Jared looked at her, his gorgeous eyes making her want to jump into all that blueness and swim around for awhile.
“When I think of her, I only wish her the best.”
Lizzy took another drink, hoping to catch a buzz.
“Nothing that has happened is your fault,” he said, obviously sensing her distress. “You know that, don’t you?”
“Logically...yes. Emotionally...no.” She sighed. “So what does Peggy look like?”
“Why so curious about Peggy?”
She shrugged. “Humor me.”
“She’s happily married and has two children.”
“Ahhh, so she has big hips and circles under her eyes?”
He smiled wryly.
She took another long swig of beer. To hell with it. She set the bottle on the coffee table and then scooted closer and put his beer on the table, too. Then she straddled him so that they were face to face, chest to chest. Her legs were folded, her knees tucked into the couch on both sides of his hips. “I feel numb,” she told him as she leaned close and brushed her mouth against his ear. “I can’t remember the last time I felt something other than cold and numb. Help me feel again.”
She felt a slight twitch of his stubbled jaw.
She kissed his neck. He smelled like soap and beer and sandalwood. “Do your parents still hate me?”
“They never hated you. Nobody hates you.”
“Sometimes I hate myself.” She kissed his jaw. “I have nightmares.” She kissed his ear. “I see horrible things. Every morning I wake up and wonder if I’ll ever be free of him.”
“I want you to be free of him,” he said. “You’ve suffered long enough.”
He was talking, but he wasn’t touching, wasn’t doing. She kissed his jaw and dragged her mouth to his mouth. His lips were warm. “Do you remember our first time together?”
Finally, he moved. His hands cupped her face. His gaze locked on hers. The way he was looking at her made her heart skip a beat. Finally. She felt something.
“I’ll never forget our time together,” he said.
She grabbed hold of the hem of her T-shirt, pulled it up and over her head, and tossed it aside. She wanted to pull his mouth to her breast, feel his tongue roll over her skin, but he seemed content with just looking at her.
She ran her fingers through his hair and said, “I can’t remember the last time I cried. Touch me, Jared. Kiss me like you used to when we had nothing to worry about but our next exam.” She wanted his hands and his mouth to take her to another place in time, a time when birds sang and the sun warmed her from the inside out.
She unbuttoned his shirt, one button at a time, working her way downward. His chest was smooth and hard, his arms strong and well-defined.
“Lizzy,” he said, “maybe this isn’t the right time.”
“There might never be a right time. I need you. Don’t make me beg.”
He smoothed damp hair from her face and pulled her mouth to his. The kiss was long and deep and hot. She pressed against him and realized he’d been holding back because he was already hard. Jolts of desire shot through her, urging her onward. Feeling as if time was running out, she slipped off his shirt and then worked on unfastening his belt. She unzipped his pants and that’s when he grabbed her hands and held her back. He moved her to his side and stood. Then he scooped her into his arms and carried her to the bedroom. “We’ve got all night,” he said. “I’ve waited a long time for this and I don’t want
to miss a thing.”
He moved easily through the hall and into her bedroom where he set her gently on the bed and slid her sweats off in one clean sweep. He climbed out of his pants and boxers and she drank in the sight of him as he stood before her in all his glory. He stared at her for a few minutes longer than her patience saw fit, but the intense look in his eyes filled her with a longing she hadn’t felt in a very long time. A knot settled in her chest and a pulsing need throbbed between her thighs.
He crawled over her, leaving a trail of soft kisses on her neck and across her collarbone. She arched upward until he took her breast into his mouth. She raked her fingers through his hair, pulling his mouth closer and relishing the feel of his raspy jaw against her skin.
Blurred images flickered within her mind. She started to panic, afraid she might see something she didn’t want to see, but Jared dragged his mouth back to ear and told her she was beautiful, drawing her back to the moment.
“I’ve missed you,” he said, as if sensing he needed to keep her here with him now. He kissed her again, his body covering her with warmth, careful not to crush her beneath his weight. “You have no idea how much.”
“I’ve missed you, too,” she said as she breathed in the smell of lingering aftershave before finding his mouth again. She felt his arousal hard against her thigh. Swept up in a haze of desire, she arched her hips, urging him to slide into her, afraid that time was running out.
He didn’t question her actions or her impatience. Instead he filled her completely, taking what she offered and matching her movement for movement.
They climaxed together, shuddering in each other’s arm, everything perfect until he relaxed against her and said, “I love you, Lizzy.”
Friday, February 19, 2010 8:53 PM
Karen Crowley paced the hotel room and dialed the number one more time. On the fifth ring, her mom answered. Thank God. “Mom, I can’t find him anywhere. Are you sure he’s working in Sacramento?”
“Karen, it’s late. Why is it so important for you to find your brother now after all this time?”
Karen sighed. She had forgotten about the time difference, but she didn’t care. She’d hardly slept since arriving in the U.S. She needed to find her brother and get it all out before the guilt ate her alive. “Mom, do you remember when you and Dad traveled to Europe and left me in charge of Sam?”
“Are you still upset about that? For God’s sake, how many times are you going to make me pay for living my life, Karen? I’ve already told you I’m sorry. You were almost seventeen. We thought you could handle the responsibility. You could hardly wait for us to pack our suitcases and walk out that door.”
Karen shut her eyes. It was true. She and her friends had made big plans. A party at the Jones’ house, everyone! Booze, drugs, fireworks. “You’re right,” Karen said. “I wanted you to leave. But that’s not why I’m here or why I’m calling you. This isn’t about you and me. It’s about Sam. It’s about something that happened when you and Dad were gone that summer.”
“Whatever it is, Karen, you’ve got to let it go. It’s not healthy to hang on to the past like this. Sam is happily married. He’s successful. He’s living in a beautiful home with his beautiful wife. Did I ever tell you how he never would have met Cynthia if it weren’t for me? She was my neighbor and—”
“Mom! Stop! Please. You’ve told me the story a thousand times. I know—if it weren’t for you, Sam would never have met Cynthia. Sam is so perfect. Sam is so smart! Sam this and Sam that.” Nothing had changed. Exactly why she’d done the things she did back then. But it wasn’t Sam’s fault that their mother doted on him and put him on some ridiculously high pedestal.
“I don’t know what you want from me, Karen.”
“I want you to help me find him. I went to his house. Nobody’s there. I’ve been calling his number every hour on the hour. No answer. Today I knocked on his neighbors’ doors. Not one person has any idea what Sam or Cynthia do for a living. Nothing is making sense, Mom. Where are they?”
“Perhaps they went on vacation.”
Karen couldn’t believe her ears. Her mother was either in denial or she just didn’t care. Plain and simple. All this time she thought her mother doted on Sam instead of her, but maybe it wasn’t true at all. Her mother cared about no one but herself. Her parents were two of the most selfish, uncaring people she’d ever met. She closed her eyes. Inhaled and then exhaled slowly. “I need you to remember where he works, Mom. That’s all you need to do for me and then I’ll leave you alone.”
“I told you he was a doctor.”
“Do you have any idea how many Dr. Jones’ there are in the Sacramento area alone? Hundreds, maybe thousands.”
“You know...I do remember Cynthia sending me a postcard when Sam moved into a new office building a few years back.”
Karen’s heart beat faster. “When? Where?”
“No, that’s right...he didn’t move, he partnered with another doctor.”
Karen let her mother mull it over for a moment. If she tried to yank it out of her, it would only frustrate her mom and they would argue again.
“I can’t remember the name of his partner...hmmm. I might still have the postcard, but it’ll take me a while to find it. I have so many boxes in the garage though...I don’t know.”
“Just call me if you find anything. You have my number.”
“All right, dear. You get some rest. You sound tired.”
“Goodnight, Mom.” Karen shut her cell and plopped down on the edge of the hotel bed. The headlines on this morning’s newspaper taunted her: “KILLER ON THE LOOSE. LIZZY GARDNER CAUGHT IN HIS WEB ONCE AGAIN.”
Sam, she thought. Where are you?
The last time her brother had contacted her was fourteen years ago when he’d called to ask Karen the name of the three girls who had stayed at their house when their parents were away that summer. She lied and told him she didn’t remember. A month later, she heard from an old friend that one of the girls had died in a freak car accident after her car went off a bridge. A bridge she traveled over every day of her life. Months after that, another of the same three friends who Sam had asked about lost her house in a fire. The last of the girls involved had a little sister...Jordan Marriot, the first of Spiderman’s victims.
Karen had lived in Italy at the time, where she still lived. She never would have heard about Spiderman if her brother hadn’t sent her an envelope stuffed with newspaper clippings of the car accident, the fire and the killings. On the bottom of the envelope he’d written: “Good you moved far away from this place where evil lurks around every corner and death awaits those who deserve it most.”
She hadn’t told her husband about the clippings. Instead, she stuffed the envelope away in a shoebox in her closet and tried to forget about it. Her brother had always been an odd duck. But lately, the clippings and the odd note called to her, begging her to do something.
Watching her kids grow, loving them so deeply, made Karen realize she couldn’t ignore what she was feeling anymore. She needed to talk to her brother. Not only to tell him she was sorry and ask for his forgiveness, but to find out why he’d sent the newspaper clippings to begin with. She needed to know the truth, once and for all.
Chapter 26
Saturday, February 20, 2010 8:30 AM
They were almost to the Federal Building on Marconi when Jared took his eyes off of the road long enough to glance at Lizzy. She’d been quiet all morning. “Was it the omelet?” he teased.
“The omelet was fine.”
“Something I said?”
“No.”
“Ever since I told you I loved you, you’ve been quiet.”
She turned on him then, her expression grim. Bingo.
“How could you love me when you don’t even know me any longer? I’m not whole. I’m all screwed up in the head. Not because of lack of trying either...because I am trying to forget what happened and move on. I’ve been trying to get better for a long time. I’ll never
give up. But I’m not whole and I’m not relationship material.”
He made a left and pulled into the parking lot. He shut off the engine and took her hand in his. “I love you, Lizzy. I always have. I’m sorry if that bothers you so damned much.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Then why did you leave me?”
Her words cut deeply. “Because I knew if I stayed, if I kept coming around, you would spend so much time worrying about me that you wouldn’t stand half a chance at getting better. You never put yourself first, Lizzy. You never did, you never will. But you should. That’s why you’ve struggled with the demons inside of you for so long. You always put everybody else first. You’ve taken full responsibility for your mother and father’s divorce, your sister’s problems, and your father’s inability to cope. Now you’re trying to figure out how to balance the rest of the world on your shoulders.”
“Ridiculous.”
“What was one of the first things you did when you began to slowly crawl out of the cave you had found yourself in?”
He didn’t give her a chance to answer. “You committed yourself to helping others. You joined the organization for Missing and Exploited Children and began volunteering your time helping young girls learn to defend themselves. You got involved, Lizzy, and whether you want to see the writing on the wall, or not, you’ve made a difference. You haven’t hurt anyone. You’ve only helped. That’s only one small reason why I love you. That’s why I’ve always loved you. And that’s why I’ll never stop loving you. I’m sorry if it bothers you, but I’m not going to lie to myself and I’m not going to fight it any more. And you’re right. I never should have left you alone. Not for one day, not for one minute.”
She was looking out the window again. She had taken her hand back and now her arms were crossed. She wasn’t ready for confessions of love. She obviously didn’t think she deserved to be loved by anyone, not even herself. But he didn’t give a shit. She could ignore him all she wanted. He wasn’t buying it. And he wasn’t going anywhere no matter how hard she pushed this time.