by Gloria Foxx
“It’s getting better, but I’m not quite ready yet,” I whispered. By now it’s full dark. A few street lights splash narrow, glowing spots of yellow along the street and sidewalks, but they don’t reach into the park.
“I’m sorry I ruined the evening. Can we head back now?”
“Sure. I’ll walk you.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t ruin the evening. I must really like you because I don’t even mind the tough stuff.” He grinned at me wryly.
I felt bad about the early end to our date. I would have liked to spend more time with him, but I was in a different place after I heard that word. That’s me, the weird girl.
Dominic gathered the blanket while I slipped on my shoes and picked up our trash. We walked away, dropping the remnants of our dinner in a can at the edge of the park. Neither of us said a word, walking in silence. When we reached my dorm, Dominic turned me to face him.
“I’d like to see you again. I can see the woman you really are and I’ll wait for you. Let me know when you’re ready. I think you’re worth the wait.”
“What if I’m never ready?”
“You’ll be ready, and when you are, I’m here.”
He gave me a gentle kiss then turned me toward the dorm giving me a slight push. “Go get some sleep.”
Chapter 12
Classes kept me busy and I continued to see Doctor Walsh every Tuesday.
But that evening in the park was the last I heard from Dominic. Aunt Jane used to say that you couldn’t trust men. This might be the only time I can agree with her. It’s been three weeks and I haven’t seen or heard from him.
Madison and I have gone out several times since then. We even went to a Halloween party at the frat house. I didn’t see him anywhere, but with all the costumes, I may have missed him. He might have missed me too. It was a zombie party so we were all dressed as zombies. Madison met someone at that party. I don’t know how with all the gory costumes, but his name is Jake. They’re going ice skating tonight and she’s trying to convince me to go along.
“Aww c’mon Maddie. I am happy for you, but I’m not really into being a plus one.”
“You really need to get out and meet some guys. You were sad when you first came here, until that frat party. What was that guy’s name? Then you were finally happy for a little while. Now you’re sad again. Don’t get me wrong. You’re still dressing better and taking care of yourself, but you’re sad.”
She’s right. After talking with Dominic and Doctor Walsh, I realized that Aunt Jane treated me the way she did because of her perceptions, her narrow-minded bias. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t anything I did. I felt better than I had in ages and have actually talked to some guys, without feeling like I need to flee. Maybe Madison was right. Maybe it’s time to get started with my life.
“Okay. I’ll come ice skating. What should I wear?” I had to get over Dominic sometime, although I’m not sure how I will.
I could ice skate. It was one of the few social activities that Aunt Jane allowed. No dancing, no movies, no parties, no sports, but we went ice skating and I never understood why it was okay when everything else was forbidden. Nevermind her. I would be okay and this was fun.
Madison, Jake and I spent about an hour circling the ice, talking and laughing. Then they went off for a break. That was code for some time alone together. I continued to skate, losing myself in the glides, edging and spirals. I could even do a couple small single and double jumps, nothing big. I hadn’t skated in almost a year so I worked my way up in difficulty, until I landed a double salchow.
Someone was clapping. I ignored them, gliding away. I hated to be the center of attention. I probably shouldn’t have done that jump. There were too many people around and people noticed. I continued on, thinking it might be time for a break just before I was accosted from behind. Ok, not really accosted, but Gabe glided up behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist and peering into my face. “Hi!” I nearly jumped out of my skin. Dangerous thing, that, especially on ice skates.
My heart rate calmed and my breathing returned to normal as we glided. Funny, last time Gabe touched me, I jumped, but for a whole different reason. This time I didn’t need to pull away. I’m not what Aunt Jane thought. I am me and I’m getting better. Gabe is nice. I should give him a chance.
“Hi yourself,” I said. “I didn’t know you could skate.”
“Hah! You know almost nothing about me.” “We should work on that.”
I laughed. “That sounds like a pickup line. How well does it work?”
“That remains to be seen. I haven’t seen you here before, although it’s obviously not your first time on the ice.”
“I haven’t skated since last winter. My aunt and I used to skate nearly every week. Being on the ice brings back some of my best childhood memories, but now that I’m on my own, there’s so much more.”
“But there’s so little time for ice skating that you have to go when the weather is cold, but nice, otherwise it’ll be next year before you’re back.”
“Hmmm.” Ice skating still reminded me too much of Aunt Jane. They may be my best childhood memories, but they still weren’t great. Better to change the subject. I picked Psych 101, really the only thing we had in common.
“You know I’ve noticed, since that party last month, that Chapman is checking his zipper during class, not really touching himself. It seems more like a nervous habit, like he was caught and embarrassed once with an open zipper.”
I thought about Mr. Preston, my high school physics teacher. His zipper was down an entire day. Word spread like wildfire among the students, but no one told him. Poor Mr. Preston went from class to class without ever knowing.
I thought about myself too as we continued to skate. “You know, my therapist is helping me to understand that people’s behavior comes from their experiences, insecurities, treatment or even confidence.” I couldn’t believe I was sharing with Gabe.
“Is that why you run away, because of how someone treated you?”
Wow. I’m surprised he noticed. Actually, I’m more surprised he still wants to talk to me in spite of my weirdness.
“I know. I know. I don’t like to be touched,” I said, “and you’re right. It’s because of how someone treated me.”
I laughed at myself then. Don’t like to be touched. How crazy was that. Just six weeks ago I wouldn’t have been able to laugh at myself.
We were quiet then, gliding around the ice, deep in thought. I realized that Gabe still had his arm around me, his fingers wrapped around my waist, while his other hand held mine. It felt comfortable, like pairs ice skating. We skated in unison and I wasn’t afraid.
It was exciting. I really needed to talk to Dr. Walsh and Dominic too. Where was he? Why didn’t he call? Maybe I should call him. I could text. That might not be as embarrassing if he didn’t respond. Maybe it didn’t matter. He found out I was weird and he skated. I chuckled out loud as we skated around a curve. I guess not that kind of skated.
“This is fun,” said Gabe. “We should do it again. Better yet. You want to go to dinner tomorrow?”
“I’m sorry, no. I’m trying to deal with something right now and it’s not a good time to get involved.”
“Who says we have to get involved? We can just hang out, spend some time together, no pressure.”
“It sounds nice, but I’m not ready. Maybe after Thanksgiving or after Christmas...”
“Abbbbbbiiiiiiii!” shouted Maddie.
“Ok, I’ll wait. You better go find out what your friend needs.”
“Thanks Gabe. I had a really nice time skating together.” I think this is the first time I’ve used the word together to mean something more than keep it together Abbi.
“Yeah, I’ll see ya later.” He seemed sullen as he let me go, gliding away. I didn’t think much of it, glad to have extricated myself without any difficulty.
“Ooh, I saw you skating with that guy.” Maddie waggle
d her eyebrows at me.
“Nothing serious. We don’t even have plans to see each other again. Ready to go? I need to go to the library.”
“So you aren’t going back to our room?” she asked.
“Just to grab my books, then I’ve got some work to do.”
I figured Maddie and Jake wanted some alone time and I didn’t need to be their plus one any longer.
Chapter 13
It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. We had classes until noon tomorrow before the mass exodus. I was feeling sorry for myself. I really shouldn’t be, but I couldn’t help it. I was disappointed that Dominic wasn’t interested in me so everything got me down.
No, I didn’t call or text, but he didn’t either.
Anyway, everyone was going home for Thanksgiving, except me. The dorms would be almost empty other than a few foreign exchange students who couldn’t go home until winter break, but that was different. Me, I didn’t have a home. Even if I kept Aunt Jane’s house, it wasn’t really a home, and I had no family, so there was nothing to go home to. No celebration, no turkey, no giving thanks.
I was used to it by now. I barely remember celebrations with mom, but what I can recall was thrilling. Whether it was a birthday, Christmas or Independance Day, there was food, fun, gifts and excitement. Mom was just as excited to celebrate as I was and if I recall correctly, she celebrated by making the holidays special for me.
Now I worked to make the holidays special for others. This year, like the past several, I would volunteer with St. Joe’s meal program. I made a point to volunteer once per month. I liked to help and I always left in a better mood than when I’d arrived.
Right now, I was waiting at the sandwich shop for Madison. I had my food and a table, but she seemed to be running late. I may have been daydreaming, but I was aware of my surroundings because the moment Dominic walked in the door, I knew it. I felt tingly and a little light headed when I saw him. I wish he didn’t make me feel this way.
I drank in my first glimpse of him in weeks; watching him like a man lost in the desert watches a mirage. He looked good. It had only been a month, but his hair was longer, curling over his ears. He wore a scarf today too, but it was for warmth, not affectation.
The cold air made his cheeks rosy and his pale skin seemed almost luminous in the dim light of the shop now that the last of his summer tan was gone. I barely knew him, yet I missed him. There was a longing within me that I couldn’t explain. Maddie arrived then. We waved and she stepped in line, right behind Dominic. She had Jake. I was no longer worried.
What was I saying? Dominic wasn’t mine. He left and he hasn’t called.
Maddie must have said something to Dominic, because he turned then and they chatted for a bit. Do guys do that? Chat? Well whatever it was, they were talking and I was worried. No, that’s not it. Uncertain is more accurate, and jealous, maybe.
Dominic picked up his dinner and headed to my table. Was he going to sit with us? Did Maddie invite him? Was he interested in her?
“Hi,” he said as he approached.
“Hi.” It came out like a croak. I was choked up and felt shy. I thought about his leg between my thighs as we lay on the blanket in the park. I thought about our kisses and dancing the first night we met. I shouldn’t be shy. “Would you like to sit?” I asked.
“No. I saw you and wanted to remind you that I’m here when you’re ready.”
“What?”
“I’m here when you’re ready. Call me or come to the house. The guys will know where I am. You look good.” He smiled at me, his eyes sparkling, and I warmed from within.
“Thanks. You look good too.” I’d been thinking about him and I never realized he was waiting for me to call.
“I’ve got to go. Remember, call me when you’re ready. Okay then. Bye.” He turned and headed to the door.
“Bye.” I don’t think he heard me. It was a soft goodbye. I was caught off guard, dumbstruck. I’m supposed to call when I’m ready? How did I miss that?
Was I ready? Maybe. I need to think about this. Excitement was burbling within me. It wouldn’t be long before it welled up and overflowed. He didn’t think I was weird. He was giving me time. Did I need more time, or was I ready now?
Maddie arrived, overflowing with excitement about her Thanksgiving plans. Jake would be going home with her and she shared all the updates, travel plans, sleeping arrangements and all the excitement that went along with bringing a guy home from college to meet her parents. I was excited for them and it was easy to show it because I was excited for myself now too.
While Maddie chatted away, I pulled out my phone and surreptitiously texted Dominic.
I’m ready.
I didn’t get an answer right away, but that’s okay. I’m ready.
Maddie left to meet up with Jake while I walked back to our room. I’m second guessing myself. Maybe I’m not ready. I know it’s not true, but she used that word whore so often I subconsciously started to believe it, not that I am a whore, but that I could be, you know, like predestined.
Wait. I can’t let her into my head. Her use of the word was her crazy thoughts, not reality. I was a whore if I slept late, combed my hair, forgot to comb my hair. I was a whore if I talked to the neighbor boy or if a man talked to me. I was a whore if I laughed, smiled or cried. It didn’t matter what I did, so it must have been her.
I have to keep telling myself it was her, not me. This is new to me and she had twelve years to condition me into believing I was wrong, bad, never meant to be. I don’t know her reasoning and I probably never will, but I know now that her perception does not have to be my reality. Yeah. I’m ready.
My phone beeped. It was Dominic.
Lunch tomorrow?
Sure. Class til 10.
Me too. Sandwich shop at 11?
Okay.
Chapter 14
It’s early, but I’ve wasted enough time already. It’s been five weeks and this is like our third date. I wonder what the afternoon will bring.
Class let out early and I was back in my room by 10. I had 45 minutes to kill.
I’m shaved, trimmed and plucked to look my best with my clothes and without. I’m hoping today will be the day. I’ve been wearing makeup since our evening in the park, but it will be afternoon so the sweep of eye shadow and slick of lip gloss is perfect. May hair and nails are neatly trimmed.
What else is there? Well, my clothes, but the long sleeve black v-neck a nice bra and thong in hot pink under my jeans should be just fine.
Dominic made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I was sitting in the sun, soaking up the warmth. I smiled. He was so damn cute and sexy, from the curl of hair that fell over his forehead and the crinkle at the corner of his eyes when he smiled to the lean muscles and easy confidence. It was all part of Dominic and I liked it all.
He also seems to understand me. He didn’t run away when I got weird. He knew what I needed and gave me the space to better understand myself before getting mixed up in a relationship. Woa! What relationship? He didn’t say anything about a relationship. Maybe he wanted to hook up.
It didn’t seem like him, but lets face it, I don’t really know him.
Our souls reached out to each other when we first met. I feel like he understands me, but we barely know each other. Hopefully it’s not just me.
As I waited nervously, uneasy about the coming afternoon, I realized the dread was there, but it was different, transformed. It didn’t roil or menace or threaten. Instead it rolled languorously, in my belly back and forth from gentle caution to anxious anticipation until the appointed hour.
Dominic was already there when I arrived five minutes early. I smiled. He looks anxious too. He ushered me into the line with a firm hand at my back. We ordered and then found a seat while our food was prepared. Dominic went to collect it when they called our number.
I skipped the vegetarian and went all out with the Thanksgiving dinner sandwich. In addition to the expected turkey, it als
o included dressing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and cranberry sauce all on two slices of hearty bread. It wasn’t half bad, but it was a whole meal packed into a sandwich. So much for ladylike. I hope Dominic doesn’t mind a little food on my face.
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” I can’t believe I asked that. Now he’ll ask me and I’ll have to come clean about staying in the dorms over the holiday.
“I have dinner at the parents Thursday and early shifts at work on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. What about you? What do you do when you don’t have parents to go home to?” He seemed puzzled by the thought like he had no clue what he might do if his mom didn’t cook dinner.
“I’m serving dinner at St Joe’s”
“Hey, I’ve always wanted to do that. It’s cool.”
“I don’t know about cool, but volunteering to serve got me out of the house on what was otherwise a long day alone with Aunt Jane. Actually, that’s not quite true. It started as a means to get away, but it quickly became something more. It feels good to help others, to look outside of my situation and see that people really need each other, someone needed me.”
“It must be tough to see young families who come in because they’re homeless and have no place to eat Thanksgiving dinner.”
“Yeah, but everything’s relative. Most days I would trade a roof over my head to have my mother back.”
“Hey, I’m sorry. That was thoughtless of me. I didn’t mean to dredge up old memories.”
“It’s okay. I’m thankful in other ways.” I noticed throughout our conversation that his eyes seem to suck me in.
I’m off balance, immersed in his gaze and it’s causing a definite jolt in the area of my heart. The dread from earlier has calmed and something warm, light and glowing has taken it’s place. I feel normal. I feel better than normal and I’m attracted to Dominic.
“So what time are you volunteering at St. Joe’s?”