But she couldn’t. She didn’t want to be less than perfect in his mind. It was a thing she imagined doing in her own time, whenever that time might be. It hadn’t come yet. And she sadly had to admit, it might never.
“Why?” He asked again, quieter this time.
Just let it out. Why was it so hard to say it out loud?
“Because of cancer.” There. Out. Sorta.
“What? You have cancer?” Sedge’s eyes widened. “I’ve never smelled sickness on you.”
“I did have cancer. The doctors removed it, but there’s always the chance it could come back. A good chance considering my familial history.” The words flowed faster, spilling out as if over a waterfall. “My mom’s cancer, it tore my whole family into pieces. You know what my dad was like. My sisters grew up without a mother and, a lot of the time, without a father. I was no help. That pain… I can’t inflict it on anyone. I won’t have children who rely on me only to leave them alone in the world. And I can’t be with you lest you break as my father did. The world needs you. It doesn’t need me.”
Holy shit. Did she feel that? The way it choked her coming out spoke of the hugeness of it. She breathed heavily as if she could suck all the words back in.
Sedge stared at her. For half a minute, he didn’t say a thing. Then he said, “Your mother’s death caused you a lot of pain.”
Of course. That was clear. It must be written all over her face at the moment.
“I knew Tassa. I knew her better than you probably guess.” He heaved a sigh. “I wanted her to become a Black Shaman.”
What? Saskia’s jaw dropped. How did she not know that about her mom?
“She refused. She didn’t have it in her to kill. You’re much like her.” He smiled a little.
Like her mom? Saskia shook her head. No way. She was the opposite of that patient, loving woman. Kinley, now she was like their mother. Proven by the fact Tassa had left a note and necklace for Kinley and nothing for the daughter who had been with her the longest.
She sucked back what threatened to be a sob. It wasn’t the time to cry. These were facts. Hard, cold, and real.
“You are like her.” Sedge insisted and reached to stroke her cheek. “So strong. Tassa was stronger than Kunik in many ways. Stronger than me sometimes. She won Kunik out over my insistence he stay in my service. Love does that.” He cupped the back of her head. “Your pain makes you afraid, drives you to swim against your essence. Makes you afraid to love and be loved.”
Saskia wanted to scream it wasn’t fear that drove her to do that, but it would be a lie. And now the truth was out, shoveling bullshit on it wouldn’t cover it up.
The heat of a hand radiated through her body. Since when did he grow so wise? Maybe she should go beg Estuuya to take her curse off and let him be a grumpy bear demanding what he wanted. Then he’d storm off and bellow at everyone. Roar, roar, roar.
Was that how she expected him to react, or was it how she wanted him to? Here he was, standing in front of her, being comforting. In his way.
“You do not get to tell others how to feel.” His grip tightened as he drew their heads together. “You cannot tell me not to love you. Because I do. What you must do is accept it.” His voice dipped to a sexy timber. “Revel in it.”
She squeezed her thighs together. “But the cancer—”
“Fuck the cancer.” He growled and bared his teeth to punctuate it. “Both of us have almost died in the past months. The hunters, the Jinxioc, the damn sea hag. The sea itself nearly killed me. Do not think cancer will scare me off.”
He wasn’t running. He wanted her just the same as he did before. Maybe she’d been wrong. “I won’t have children.”
Sedge’s free hand slid around her waist to draw her closer. “I don’t care as long as I have you. You might not think the world needs you, but I need you.”
He dipped in for a kiss, but she pushed back. “And there it is. That’s the problem. If I died, you’d be broken.”
“That’s the chance everyone takes.” Sedge pulled her back again.
Saskia twisted away. “I can’t let you—”
“Or is it you can’t let yourself?” He let her go this time and stood in place.
“I’m trying to save you pain.” Why couldn’t he see that?
“No. I would risk everything for you. You’re trying to save yourself.” Sedge stepped down into the river. “And this is why you’re stuck in the Salmon People’s realm.”
As he waded out farther, Saskia ran toward him and smacked into the invisible wall. Fuck! “What are you doing? Get back here.”
Sedge continued to submerge himself. “I will bring Petuwaq to the sea hag. When you are ready to swim with the current, I will be waiting.”
Salmon leapt as if dancing, and a big bubble surrounded him.
“Sedge!” Saskia screamed and bashed herself against the barrier over and over. Even after he disappeared under the water, she battered it. Weak and winded, she didn’t stop.
Without her, Sedge would likely be killed. If he thought that this would motivate her, he was an idiot. Her own fear had trapped her with the Salmon People, and she had no idea how she was going to get over it in time to save him.
Saskia stared at the flowing waters. How did someone get past what they had believed for so long? She couldn’t. She didn’t know how.
It had taken everything in her to admit to Sedge why she couldn’t have a relationship with him. But he didn’t accept it. Did she think he would? Maybe. No. That was stupid of her. Of course he wouldn’t give her up. Nothing scared the big bad bear.
He hadn’t felt the pain she felt when her mother died. What she felt when Azarius died. She didn’t think she was diminishing his grief by thinking so. Azarius was the one who had saved her from sorrow years ago. Now he wasn’t there to help her through this, and Sedge’s way of doing things didn’t hold so much patience.
Damn, she and Sedge were alike in that.
“You should come back to my home to rest, child.” Qaiyann’s voice startled Saskia.
Shit. Was the woman a ninja? She hadn’t heard or even smelled her approach. Sedge did say the Salmon People weren’t what she thought them to be. Not that she ever believed them to be people.
Saskia shook her head. “I need to leave. I have to help them.”
“The way out is simple. You must swim with the current.” The old woman smiled and crinkled her cheeks.
“It’s not that easy.” Saskia ran her hands through her hair and pressed her palms into her eyes for a moment. “All I want to do is save him pain. The likelihood of me dying is, I don’t know, pretty good. Whether it be from cancer or some monster. I don’t live my life with caution. But I can’t be the cause of him… breaking.”
Qaiyann settled on the grass near Saskia. She smoothed out her skirt and crossed her legs. “The chances of everyone dying are pretty good, as you say. Life is a fragile thing.”
Yes, of course. Here comes the lecture. Saskia laid her forearms across her knees.
“Life is also a precious thing. To fully live it, you must take risks.” Qaiyann cocked her head as she regarded Saskia. “You do not take risks.”
Saskia’s eyes widened. What the hell? She took more risks than anyone else. Like fighting shifters gone bad and Unnaturals like the Jinxioc.
Qaiyann held up a hand. “You are a magnificent warrior. Taking on such challenges is not such a risk as doing something you fear.”
Was the old woman reading her mind? Saskia frowned and pressed her lips together.
“Coming to terms with what you fear will free you. And I realize nothing I say can sway you to change the way you think. Only you can do that.” Qaiyann rose with the grace of a child. Didn’t she have a bad back? Right, Salmon People. Not what she thought they were. “Think on it hard, child. And don’t think long. The Bear is going to die tonight if you’re not there to help him.”
Fuck! Saskia shouted without words and pounded the ground on either side of h
er with her fists. She couldn’t let Sedge die. She had to get out of this realm.
She looked back for Qaiyann only to find her gone.
The Salmon People were going to keep her there because she couldn’t let herself love. No, she could love. She couldn’t let herself be loved. But Sedge did love her. Not that she hadn’t tried to deter him. She didn’t want him to love her. Again, a lie. Her heart wanted it, wanted him.
Simple, right. Love and be loved.
Saskia flopped back onto the grass. There wasn’t a damn simple thing about it.
Look at her parents. Her father shattered when her mom died, and he hadn’t been the same since. Then there was Ametta and Lucky. Her youngest sister was just as screwed as she when it came to things. Though they seemed to be getting along better recently.
She couldn’t forget Kinley and Ransom either. They… Nope. The two of them did make it look easy. The way her sister mooned over him. Stupid cat.
Deep down inside, Saskia wanted to be with Sedge. She rolled onto her stomach and turned to look into the river. “I love Sedge. I want to be with him. I will be with him.”
She reached and hit the invisible barrier. Growling, she smacked it.
It wasn’t a lie. But apparently it wasn’t enough. “If I don’t get out of here, he will die. There will be no more deep current in me to flow with. You can’t keep me here!” She rose to her knees and screamed. Her heart raced as her stomach twisted. “He will fucking die without me. I can’t let that happen. I can’t.”
She would die without him. It hit her hard.
If Sedge died, there would never be a chance to be with him, to know that bliss she’d experienced in his den so many years ago. She’d been whole then. Happy.
What she wouldn’t give for one more minute with him. Everything would be worth it for one more brilliant moment of love.
Saskia let out a choked sob. She’d fucked it all up. Sedge would die because she held onto her grief and fear. She hadn’t been living in the moment.
She laughed loudly. There it was. Petuwaq had been stuck in the Salmon People’s realm because he dwelled on his past mistakes. Now she was trapped because of her past.
“I’m so stupid.” Saskia laughed again. Not a hint of humor in it. She’d lose Sedge, and because she didn’t get the totem, the shifters of the world might die. Everything would fall apart because of her stubborn fears.
One more minute with him. Was it too much to ask?
“One more minute!” She shouted and punched the barrier.
Only to find herself falling face first into the river because the barrier wasn’t there anymore.
Saskia spluttered as she picked herself up and waded out farther. Feeling stronger than she had a minute ago, she let out a whoop. Was it that easy?
She grinned. Nothing was going to keep her from Sedge, especially not herself. The Bear was going to be in trouble now!
Salmon darted between her legs and leapt around her. She stood in place as a bubble formed around her and lifted her off her feet. She hugged her knees to her chest. The fish would bring her to Sedge. Everything would be all right.
Forced under the water, the view around her shimmied and blurred. Light from the Salmon People’s realm receded as the fish whisked her away. She couldn’t even feel their movement, but somehow she knew they were speeding along.
She’d get to be with Sedge. The weight had lifted off her chest.
The bubble bobbed as it popped out of the dark water, and she landed on…
The frozen deck of the boat.
What the fuck?
“Sedge?” No answer. Just the crunching of ice and lapping water.
Saskia scrambled to her feet. No. “Sedge!”
No one was there. The salmon hadn’t brought Sedge and Petuwaq back to the boat. They must have taken them directly to Estuuya.
“No, no, no, no!” She hurried to the dash and fumbled for the keys, which still were in the ignition. There was no way she could make it in time swimming as a bear. The boat better damn well start.
It sputtered and caught. Yes!
She hit the button to reel in the anchor and didn’t wait for it to pull up. Pushing the throttle, she cranked the wheel.
The motor revved, but the boat didn’t move.
“Goddammit!” She peered over the side to see almost three-fourths of the hull was surrounded by ice.
Only one way to do this. She hopped over the railing and shifted. Using her polar bear strength, she pounded on the ice and smashed it into smaller chunks. She panted with the effort. Faster. She had to move faster.
With the ice and sea floating more fluidly around the boat, she shifted, dressed, and climbed back up. Starting the boat up again, she found turning was easier. She cranked the throttle to full once away from the ice and pointed the boat east.
The damn thing needed more speed. The longer she took to get there, the more of a chance there was Estuuya would kill Sedge.
Not going to happen. She would get to the sea hag’s den in time.
If she could find the cave again.
Shit! There wasn’t a minute to waste. The time she spent searching the dark depths could mean Sedge’s death.
Saskia hit the dash with her fist. No, not the dash. The screen. The tracking device.
She flipped on the monitor and held her breath. It flickered, and a soft green glow lit up the bow. There was a ping and nothing.
Let it work. Please, let it work.
A second ping. Nothing.
She couldn’t lose Sedge now.
A third, fourth, and fifth.
Please.
On the sixth ting, there was an answering ping, and a green dot appeared on the screen.
“Yes!” She pushed the boat to go as fast as it could. Nothing would stop her now.
Nothing would stop Saskia except for the killer whales. Polar bears had no natural predators, but orcas didn’t either. She was pretty certain if she went into the water and one of them targeted her, she wouldn’t have much of a chance.
At least a half dozen killer whales circled the waters where the sea hag’s cave lay below. They didn’t bother with the boat. Why would they when there were hundreds of salmon swimming around? It was an all-you-can-eat buffet, and affected by the totem, the fish didn’t flee the hungry orcas.
Please let that be distraction enough.
Saskia dropped anchor and stood at the stern. She’d made good time. Probably only half an hour had passed since she broke the boat free.
Damn, the whales were huge.
She took a deep breath and waited for a clear spot. Sedge had to still be alive. Surely she’d feel it if he’d died.
When the orcas distracted themselves away from the immediate vicinity, Saskia jumped and shifted. The freezing water closed around her as she made a quick dive down. She did her bit of magic so she could breathe and pushed as hard as her limbs would allow.
Salmon whacked against her. Not the friendly ones from the Salmon People. She bit one, shook it, and tossed it behind her. Let that be a warning to all the fish.
A massive shadow passed over her.
Shit. Faster, faster.
Surely the whales wouldn’t follow her to the bottom. As long as she made it to the sea floor, she’d be okay. Right? She knew very little about orcas except they liked to eat seals as much as polar bears. In no way did she resemble a seal. So hopefully she wouldn’t trigger their hunting instincts. Unless they were frenzied by their salmon buffet.
A swarm of fish swirled around her and smacked her sides. She clawed at them and bellowed a stream of bubbles.
Saskia batted a trio out of her face to find a killer whale bearing down on her with its mouth open. Jaws had nothing on this bastard.
She flailed, trying to stop. With a rush of water, the orca was upon her. She pushed down off its lower jaw. Those teeth. Holy hell. They had to be three inches in length. So many of them in a mouth like a cavern.
Jetting straight down, Saskia
peered over her shoulder. The whale had no interest in her, but she almost gave it a taste of bear.
Her paws were trembling as she touched the bottom. She skittered quickly along the rocks and through the seaweed until she spotted the light from the cave. Sedge was still in there. Alive. He had to be.
Saskia bolted through the entrance and swam around the piles of junk. Was that Estuuya’s laugh? She didn’t know whether that was a good thing or not.
Going so swiftly, she burst into the center of the cavern and nearly rammed into Petuwaq. He stumbled to one side as she slammed on the brakes. He appeared unharmed and transparent, if a little sad. Well, more than a little sad. Despondent might be a better term for the grief etched into his features.
Why wasn’t he…? Right. Petuwaq died many years ago. His body was long gone. He was a spirit now.
The sea hag stood near the captive totem and clapped her hands. Gleeful? It was tough to tell with her sharp teeth bared for all to see.
Saskia’s heart hammered as she spun around to find Sedge still enclosed in a bubble. Though it didn’t shimmer like the one the salmon had created. And it was anchored to the rock with a seaweed chain.
Sedge shouted something she couldn’t hear. If that bubble popped and he wasn’t a bear, he’d be dead.
Time to get The Bear back.
Saskia turned her attention to Estuuya. She made a circling gesture with her paw and hoped the witch understood what she wanted.
The sea hag chuckled and flicked her wrist. A massive bubble expanded and shielded the central cavern from the sea. “For you. So we talk.”
Shifting into her human form and dressing, Saskia stood and fisted her hands at her sides. “We brought Petuwaq for you. He came willingly to see you.”
“You did, you did.” Estuuya clutched the front of her ragged dress. “Heart still aches.”
Petuwaq cringed, seemingly unable to look at the sea hag. He wrung his hands in front of him. “Estuuya, I cannot imagine—”
Deep Current (Totem Book 6) Page 7