by Nancy Rue
She put it into her pocket to give to him at recess. No sense getting into note-passing trouble for him.
Besides, there wasn’t going to be anything else to do at recess. Before morning recess, Ms. Gooch asked the class to join her in the reading area so she could read aloud.
“It’s such a cold, snowy day,” she said. “It’s perfect for just curling up with a good book.”
As Lily dragged herself over to the carpeted section and sat down, she felt the loneliness wrap itself around her. Nothing was any fun when you didn’t have any friends to sit with you . . .
But suddenly Suzy was there beside her.
“Where’s Reni?” she whispered. “Is she sick?”
Of course she’d think that, Lily thought. Who would automatically think Reni fell out a window and got hurt? In fact, who would think she got “hirt” at all?
Lily sat up straight and looked around for Shad. He was sitting at the edge of the group, of course, getting ready to tie Leo’s shoelaces together when he wasn’t looking.
Why had Shad asked if Reni got hurt instead of whether she was sick? Why would he care at all?
But someone else caught Lily’s eye just then, and for the moment she forgot about Shad. Kresha was still sitting at her desk, head down on her arms. Lily really wanted to go over to her not just because she might be able to “save her life,” but because she liked Kresha. After all, Kresha used to be her friend.
Ms. Gooch started to read, and Lily was glad for an excuse to focus her eyes and blink back tears. But focusing her mind on the story was out of the question. In the back, Shad gave an exaggerated yawn. Lily looked at him in disgust.
He was covering his cavern of a mouth with his hand, and even from where she sat, Lily could see the scratches. Scratches. Holly bush scratches?
Shad and Reni? Did Reni hate her that much? Lily shook her head. No, that couldn’t be. But if it couldn’t, then Lily’s heart was breaking right in two for nothing.
The minute the bell rang for recess, Lily bolted from the room and went straight for the restroom. She dove into a stall and slammed the door so she could hide the tears that had hardly waited until she got there to start coming.
“Oh . . . very bad. Very, very bad,” someone whispered in the stall next to hers.
Lily choked back her tears and listened. Someone was crying in soft little sobs.
Lily looked down at the feet she could see beneath the partition. She would have recognized Kresha’s sparklepink tennis shoes anywhere.
Lily wanted to sink through the floor. She’s probably crying because I accused her brothers, and now I know it wasn’t them!
Lily had thought on Saturday that she had felt as bad as she was ever going to feel. She’d been wrong. There were so many pangs stabbing her, she was afraid to try to say anything to Kresha. The only thing that would hurt more was keeping this all inside.
“Kresha?” she whispered. “Is that you?”
There was no answer. Lily gnawed at her hand for a second and then tried again.
“Kresha, I’m sorry. I wish you’d forgive me.”
Whether Kresha forgave her or not was impossible to tell. Kresha suddenly started weeping so loudly that Lily could barely understand a thing she was saying, even what she was saying in English.
“I’m sorry, Kresha,” Lily said tearfully. “Please don’t cry so hard. I’ll do anything to make it up to you—”
“Bleeding, Lee-lee!” Kresha cried. “Am I die?”
“What?” Lily said.
But Kresha only started to cry again.
Lily let herself out of her own stall and pulled at the door to Kresha’s. When it didn’t open, she dropped to the floor and crawled under it. She found Kresha sitting on the edge of the toilet, holding her tummy and rocking back and forth.
“What did you say was wrong?” Lily said.
“I bleeding,” Kresha managed to get out. “In my pants. Vill I die, Lee-Lee?”
Lily thought she was going to melt into a puddle. “It’s your period, Kresha!” she said. “Hasn’t your mom told you about your period?”
Kresha stared at her. It only took Lily a minute to remember: Kresha’s mother had to work too hard; she was never home to tell Kresha anything. Kresha hadn’t even known what they were talking about that night at Suzy’s sleepover, back when the Girlz were all together.
I don’t care if there’s no group anymore, Lily thought suddenly. I know what to do, and I’m going to do it for Kresha.
“You’re not going to die, Kresha,” she said. She could hear her voice getting calm. “This is normal. It’s going to happen once every month from now on, and it means someday you’re going to be able to have babies.”
Kresha blinked at her. “I vill not die?”
“No! Now wait right here, and I’ll be right back. I’m gonna make everything all right, okay?”
Kresha looked at her for a second, and then her face broke into a smile. The teary, pale eyes were shining already.
Lily dashed back to the classroom, where Ms. Gooch was just locking the door to go out to recess.
“I’m helping Kresha in the bathroom,” Lily said. “Can I get my backpack?”
Ms. Gooch didn’t ask any questions. She didn’t even cock an eyebrow.
She just said, “They’re dropping like flies now. Sure, Lily. Do your thing. Thanks for helping Kresha.”
Lily was back in the restroom in a flash and produced a pad and some clean underwear for Kresha.
“You’re a woman now, Kresha,” Lily said as she waited outside the stall. “I wish I was. I don’t have mine yet.”
“You going to get too?” Kresha said.
“Yeah, every woman gets it,” Lily said.
Kresha emerged from the stall, and to Lily she already looked older.
“Like a club, Lee-Lee,” she said.
“Yeah,” Lily said. She started to feel sad again, and she didn’t want to go there right now. She linked her arm through Kresha’s and gave it a squeeze.
“Since you’re the first one of us to get your period, I think we should have a little celebration,” Lily said. “Why don’t you and me and Suzy do something after school?”
Lily held her breath as she waited for Kresha to answer. Kresha didn’t make her wait long. She threw her arms around Lily’s neck and laughed.
“I love you, Lee-Lee!” she said.
Lily almost cried again. “I love you—and you know what? I’m sorry I said your brothers were the ones who kept attacking us. I know that wasn’t true.”
“No, no, no,” Kresha said. “Ve vill not talk about that no more.”
And they didn’t. Instead, they found Suzy and agreed to meet at four.
“Where?” Suzy said.
Lily took another huge breath. “In front of Reni’s house,” she said. “And then we’ll decide.”
School was out at three, and as soon as the bell rang, Lily headed down the sidewalk, praying all the way. All she could think to say was, Please, God; please, God. She hoped that was enough. It sure didn’t work to tell God what she wanted.
Mrs. Johnson answered the door, and she didn’t smile when she saw that it was Lily.
“Could I please talk to Reni?” Lily said. “I promise if she gets upset, I’ll leave right away. I know patients aren’t supposed to get upset—”
Mrs. Johnson held up her hand like she was very, very tired. “Go ahead,” she said. “She’s in her room.”
Lily had hoped all the way there that Mrs. Johnson would let her see Reni. But now that she had, Lily’s mouth went dry. What if Reni wouldn’t talk to her? What if she picked up a stuffed animal or a CD and threw it at her?
By the time Lily tapped on Reni’s door, she was imagining Reni standing up on her bed, pointing a BB gun at the door.
“Come in,” said a voice that didn’t even sound like Reni’s.
Lily let herself in. She didn’t look at Reni until she was beside the bed. When she finally did, Reni wasn
’t looking at her either.
“Hi,” Lily said—at the same time that Reni said, “Hey.”
“I’m glad you’re okay” and “I’m not as bad off as I look” also came at once.
Lily clamped her mouth shut. So did Reni.
Then they looked at each other.
I’m so sorry, Reni, Lily said with her eyes. I know I was bossy and stupid, but why would you do that to me?
I want to tell you, Reni’s eyes said. But I’m afraid.
“I promise I won’t be mad,” Lily said.
“Okay,” Reni said. She rolled her hands up in the bedsheet. “That day when Zooey fell?”
“Yeah?”
“I suspected it was Shad and Leo and Daniel then.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Yuh-huh. Then I heard Shad tell them at recess that he knew where you lived now because he accidentally went to your house selling karate candy.”
“Oh,” Lily said.
“He said now they could get you good. You went home first that day before group, remember?”
“Yeah. So he must have followed me to your house from there.”
“Yeah.”
“But why didn’t you tell me you heard that?”
Reni answered with her eyes, and Lily knew. I was being such a know-it-all that nobody could tell me anything.
“The second time they attacked us, with the snowballs,” Reni went on, “I tried to get Shad’s mask off so you could all see. That’s when he accidentally punched me in the lip.”
“That little brat!”
“I knew it was him anyway, just looking in his eyes. But I was so mad at you, Lily, for trying to run our lives and for making Kresha feel bad by saying over and over it was her brothers, I just decided right then to have Shad help me teach you a lesson.”
Reni looked down at her hands, now completely rolled up in the sheet like a mummy’s. “I guess that wasn’t my job,” she said. “I shouldn’t have done it.”
Lily nodded sadly. “I know what you mean,” she said. “I was all trying to be this doctor, and I stink at helping people. I’m way too pushy.”
“Sometimes you do help people, though,” Reni said. She was practically staring a hole through the sheet. “My mom said you wouldn’t tell on me, whether I was at your house like I told her. Thanks for not tellin’ on me.”
Lily shrugged. “I guess I helped somebody else. Kresha started her period today.”
“No, she did not!”
“Yes, she did, and she didn’t know what was happening because her mom never told her about it.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yuh-huh. I had some pads and clean underwear in my backpack, so she’s all right now. We’re gonna celebrate in a little while. I wish you could come.”
“Have it here!” Reni said.
“Your mom won’t let us. She hates me, remember?”
“No, she doesn’t. She never did. She was just a little bit mad at you.” Reni winced. “Now she’s a lot mad at me. But I’m gonna ask her.” Then, to Lily’s surprise, Reni’s brown eyes filled up. “I missed you,” she said in a tearhusky voice.
It took some talking, but Mrs. Johnson finally gave in to the begging and said they could celebrate Kresha’s period there.
“I never heard of throwing a party about it,” she said half to herself as she went to the kitchen to scope out the cream cheese supply. “Whatever.”
Reni was beside herself. Lily was pretty happy too, as she opened the front door and motioned for Suzy and Kresha to come in. Suzy was giggling nervously, but Kresha was glowing like the moon.
“No cream cheese in here,” Mrs. Johnson called out from the kitchen. “I have Ritz Crackers, and I have peanut butter, but no cream cheese.”
“We have some at my house,” Lily said. “I’ll run home and get it. Kresha, you sit, like, here,” she pointed to the Johnsons’ La-Z-Boy chair, “and be queen for a day. ”
“You’re doing it, Lily,” Reni said.
“Oh,” Lily said. “Okay. You guys do whatever. I’ll be right back.”
On her way to her house, Lily thought about Zooey. It didn’t seem right to be throwing a party without her there. As soon as she got home, Lily called her.
“Hi,” Lily said when Zooey’s mother answered. “This is Lily Robbins. I was wondering if Zooey could—”
“No,” Mrs. Hoffman said.
“This isn’t like a meeting,” Lily said. “We’re having a party for one of the Girlz—Kresha. She’s started her p—”
“I don’t want Zooey in this group anymore,” Mrs. Hoffman said. “And that’s just one more reason. That’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.” There was a short pause. When Lily didn’t say anything, Zooey’s mother hung up.
Lily sank onto a kitchen chair. Her heart was tearing in half again.
“She didn’t like the idea, huh?” said a voice behind her.
Lily jumped. “What are you doing home?” she said.
“I canceled practice today,” Mom said. She patted her stomach. “Cramps.”
“Oh,” Lily said.
“So, I’m sure you want food.”
“Cream cheese.”
“In the fridge. But don’t tell Joe I gave it all to you. I’ll be in trouble.”
Lily went for the fridge, but her heart wasn’t in it now.
“I think a party’s a great idea,” Mom said. “I wish I’d thought of that. Let’s be sure we do that for you too, Lil.”
Lily shook her head. “I’m not a woman yet. I bet I never will be. I bet I’ll never grow up, the way I’m going.” Her voice was getting shaky again.
“You have such a strong sense of the dramatic,” Mom said, “but I think you’re wrong.”
Lily pulled out the cream cheese, inspecting the tub to avoid looking at her mother.
“Look, I’m sorry Zooey’s mother hurt your feelings. Sometimes the consequences of our learning mistakes are pretty painful, but they don’t last forever. I know I said you go from one thing to another, whole hog, but I have to say, you always grow when you go through these phases of yours. Just look at what you’ve learned this time.”
Lily glanced up. Mom’s doe-eyes were bright, but her mouth wasn’t twitching. She wasn’t teasing this time.
“You’ve learned to get help when you need it. You’ve learned to admit your mistakes. You’ve learned what you can do with what you know. Just look at what you’re doing to help Kresha.”
“You’re not just saying that stuff?” Lily said.
Her mother gave a soft snort. “You must be thinking of your other mother or something, Lil,” she said. “I never just ‘say stuff.’”
Still, Lily shook her head. “I must be doing something wrong, though. I prayed and prayed for God to make it work out this time, that I really would end up saving people’s lives. And I even tried to bloom where I was planted.”
“Bloom where you’re . . . ? Never mind. I don’t even want to ask.”
Mom opened the refrigerator and pulled out a jar of olives and some little sweet pickles. “Lil, did it ever occur to you to ask God what He wants you to do, instead of giving Him all these instructions?”
“Huh?”
Mom put the jars on the counter and opened a cabinet. “I know we’ve got some cashews back here. I was hiding them from Art. What I’m saying is, you might want to try asking God instead of telling Him.”
Lily felt her brow furrowing. “You mean, I even boss God around?”
Mom’s mouth did twitch then. “I’m not even going to go there with you, Lil. Just think about it. Now, here, take this stuff. It’ll go great on cream cheese and Ritz. Somebody’s first period requires at least an olive or two.”
Lily’s mind was spinning as she stuffed the jars into a bag and made her way back to Reni’s.
I really do tell everybody what to do, don’t I? she thought. Even God! And He doesn’t like it either. Wow.
She was going to have to talk with Him about that lat
er. Right now, there was a party to be had, and for the first time in what seemed like a long while, Lily actually felt like celebrating.
When she got to Reni’s, Kresha was sitting like a queen in the La-Z-Boy chair, and Suzy and Reni had the Ritz Crackers all spread out on platters, waiting to be adorned with cream cheese.
“Yes!” Lily said. “Let’s go for it.”
“How many should we make?” Suzy said.
“Not too many,” Lily said. “They aren’t all that nutritious when you think about it. Let’s see.” She picked up the box of crackers to look at the nutritional information. “See, this has a bunch of additives, artificial—”
“Lily.”
Lily looked up. Reni didn’t say a word. She didn’t have to. Lily, you’re doing it again was written all over her face.
Lily put the box down. “Oops,” she said.
Reni gave her a grin. Lily gave one back.
And the pieces of her heart came back together.
Check out this excerpt from
the nonfiction companion to
Lily Robbins, MD!
One
What’s Going On in There?
Sixty queens there may be,
and eighty concubines,
and virgins beyond number;
but my dove, my perfect one, is unique.
SONG OF SONGS 6:8–9
It’s either happening already, or you’ve heard that it’s going to.
• You’re growing breasts.
• Hair is appearing in new places.
• You’re sweating more.
• You’ve got the body odor thing going on.
• You’re gaining weight or getting taller by the minute.
• Your friends are talking about starting their periods.
• You’re giggling one minute and crying the next.
And in the middle of it all, you’re looking in the mirror and saying, “Who are you, and what have you done with me?”
This time in your life—between about eight and about thirteen years old—is when more changes are happening in your body than have ever happened since that first year when you had to triple your weight, grow teeth, and figure out how to walk! This can be a confusing time. At certain moments you may feel like shouting to your body, “What’s going on in there?”