Adam took a step toward her and stopped. He lifted a hand and scrubbed it across his jaw. She could hear the rasp of his day old stubble from across the room. She knew what that hair felt like against her cheek, her hand, against all manner of body parts. What were they doing? Where was this going? Was it possible she could get off this ride?
“We need to come to an understanding,” he said.
“Yeah? About what?” She dreaded his answer.
“Us, though I suppose you’d say there isn’t an us.”
“There never was.”
Adam continued to stare at her. She could imagine him speaking full sentences, talking to her, but he never did. It was always like this. Staring. Long silences. Nothing else. How she’d fallen for him when they barely interacted was beyond her. Had she merely projected her adolescent fantasies of the perfect man on him? Or had they changed?
“What did I do to hurt you?” he asked.
“Don’t we have more important things to worry about?” It didn’t matter that they’d been separated for years, that same familiar pain stabbed her in the chest.
She didn’t want to admit it, but Adam had been her heart. He would always be the first person she learned to love just because of who he was. No one got that fairy tale ending like what she’d ignorantly thought was in her grasp.
Hands grasped her shoulders and Adam pulled her into a warm, strong embrace. He’d picked her up after skinning a knee, held her when she was convinced she had to run away from her parents and despite all this time, that hug still felt like home. She hated how much she needed this, how even after abandoning her he was still the one person she wanted.
She allowed herself to lean against him. She had been a prisoner for weeks, didn’t she deserve this? She’d tell herself whatever lie she needed to hear right now, and deal with the rest later. It was almost funny how she’d look back and scoff at herself for leaning on him, and here she was, face buried against his chest, handfuls of his shirt clenched in her fists.
He stroked her back, his chin resting on the top of her head. That frustrating calm of his seeping into her bones.
This was one of the many things she missed about him. Even when they’d been friends, before dating, he’d known when she needed support. He’d had a front row seat to the disaster of her life, and every time she thought it was all crumbling down, he was there to hold her. Maybe that was why she’d never been able to give him up.
Heidi squeezed her eyes shut tighter, but a few tears leaked out unbidden. She sucked in a breath and let go of him long enough to wipe it away. He shifted, his shoulders dipping.
Oh, no...
Adam pressed his lips to the top of her head.
He’d started doing that when they were kids. She’d get hurt, someone had been mean to her, or her parent’s yelling matches had focused on her. He’d give her a hug, share his afternoon snack and help her to her feet—then he’d kiss her brow, because his mom told him a kiss made the hurt go away.
As if.
A railroad spike driving through her heart would hurt less.
This had to stop. She couldn’t take this anymore. She hurt when she was away from him and she hurt when he was around. That was all her life was—pain.
Heidi leaned back and sucked down a breath. The words, fuck off, were on the tip of her tongue.
Adam stared down at her, those big, brown eyes of his so sad, as though he could feel her anguish. He’d always been this big, well-meaning oaf. She’d barely believed him when he said he was going to be a SEAL. But he’d done it.
He lifted a hand and cupped her cheek, his fingers swiping away the tears.
She swallowed and blinked a few times.
God, she wanted them back. The way they used to be. The way they used to love. She wanted the boy who’d been there for her no matter what. She wanted to hold onto him and pretend the world would be alright.
Fuck it.
Heidi planted her hands on Adam’s chest and shoved. He sat down hard on the sofa, staring up at her with that befuddled, not-quite-on-the-same-page-as-her, face. She straddled his lap and planted a hand on his shoulder. This was the crazy ride she could never seem to get off. Might as well enjoy it; lose herself in it if it made the last week go away.
She bent her head and kissed his mouth. They hadn’t done this in ages, and yet one touch was all it took for her to remember where to put her hands, how he felt against her, what it could be like. His stubble scraped her chin. This short it was so spiny it almost hurt.
His hands grasped her hips, holding her in place. She cupped the back of his neck and bit down on his lower lip, a touch too hard. He’d always been the gentle one, not her. He groaned and pulled her closer, his mouth opening for her.
For this moment they could lose themselves in what felt good. The burden of the world could wait for a few damn minutes.
Kissing Adam was like taking a trip back in time before her world went to hell. To a better time when she simply focused on making it through the day until she could sneak a few hours with him. He was her anchor, the one she went to for comfort, whenever anything went wrong she could go to Adam, where at least she wasn’t alone.
He sat up, pressing their bodies closer. His hands coasted over her back and into her hair. He twined strands around his fingers and tugged. She groaned and tipped her head back a bit, her body throbbing with need. He wrapped more hair around his fingers and gripped tight until her scalp prickled. His lips coasted down her neck while his other hand slid up under her shirt.
She grabbed her shirt and pulled it up over her breasts while he cupped one mound.
Heidi’s heart shuddered at the way Adam stared at her. That was why she always came back to him. When he looked at her like that, with a mixed sense of arousal and wonder, it was like she was the center of his world. The most precious thing. She’d never been important to anyone but him. How could she give this up?
Adam bent his head and kissed her shoulder then across her collar bone. She clutched his shoulders and closed her eyes. All that mattered right now was that he was here. She’d worry about the rest later.
He tugged her bra down, freeing her breasts. She gasped at the feel of his lips wrapped around her nipple, his tongue caressing her.
God damn him. It’d been too long.
She clawed at his shirt, pulling it up over his shoulders, but he wasn’t letting go of her to allow her to get the garment off him.
Adam stood, with her wrapped around him like a monkey, and turned. She barely had time to register the world tilting before he put her down on her back. He sat up, half kneeling between her legs, and tossed his shirt on the floor.
Her mouth dried up, and she stared at two, large scars bisecting his chest.
When had that happened? How?
While she was too busy laying there and staring, he grabbed her shirt and bra in both hands and pulled it up and off her, breaking the spell.
Adam planted a hand on her shoulder, keeping her back to the cushions, and kissed her chest, down between her breasts. She shoved her fingers through the short strands of his hair and closed her eyes. Even when they’d been fumbling kids, Adam was always conscious of her needs.
He grabbed the front of her pants, twisting the tab open. She lifted her hips, and he stood, taking her pants down to her ankles. He jerked at the laces on her boots, getting them loose enough for her to wiggle her feet out. He stripped the rest of her clothes off then stood over her, an unfamiliar predatory stare pinning her to the spot.
They weren’t the same people they used to be. No matter if his touch was familiar and his kiss made her remember everything she’d shoved deep down, it wasn’t the same.
He planted a knee on the sofa between her legs and leaned over her, his mouth making love to hers. He cupped her mound, sliding his fingers between her folds. She groaned and looped her arms around him, hugging him closer. He slid through her grasp, kissing down her body. She grasped his hair and held on while he continue
d to stroke in and out of her with his fingers.
Adam sat up, his eyes somehow darker. He popped the tab on his jeans. She swallowed and shivered. The sound of his zipper seemed loud enough the people outside should hear it. Her gaze dropped to his hand holding his cock, and she swallowed.
She reached for him and he crawled up her body as though he were waiting for her.
They kissed, and she eased back on the sofa, hooking her arms under his. The blunt head of him pressed against her entrance, then slid the length of her. She gasped and shifted, willing him to hurry up already, not that he’d listen to her.
He thrust, and they both groaned.
It’d been so damn long.
Heidi sucked in one deep breath after the other, waves of arousal warming her skin. He thrust again, easing into her. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and focused on the feel of him, how his body fit hers, the painful thumping in her chest, his warmth. The slightly rough upholstery fabric brought back other memories that made her chuckle.
Adam stilled, the muscles of his arms and back tensing.
“Remember that couch in your parent’s basement?” She arched her back and smiled at the memory.
“Yeah...”
“Lots of good memories there.”
He nuzzled her cheek then kissed the corner of her mouth.
It’s taken his parents a while to catch on to the change in their relationship from childhood friends to more. They’d done a lot more than studying for school down there.
She turned her face, and he sealed his lips over hers at the same moment he thrust for real, fully joining their bodies together. She whimpered into the kiss and held on tight. He continued to rock into her, each stroke reminding her why she’d wanted to hold onto this man.
The sharp, sweet surge of release caused her eyes to unfocus. She dug her nails into Adam’s shoulders and groaned. His thrusts turned harder, the friction drawing her orgasm out, the ripples of pleasure too much for her to bear. She bit down on his shoulder and he groaned, rocking into her.
Her gentle giant liked to hide his rough side, but she’d known him for far too long.
His weight kept her pinned to the sofa. She squeezed her eyes shut, doing her best to hold all the other emotions and memories at bay. All she wanted was to feel something, have a little piece of the goodness they once enjoyed. The rest of it, she couldn’t deal with it.
Heidi could roll out the spurned lover act with the best of them. She could pretend that she wanted this thing with him to be over, but deep down, that wasn’t the case.
She missed him and what they used to have. She’d thought getting married would cure all their problems, but instead it had created more and left her with this gaping chasm of loss. She’d given him her heart, and he’d left, taking it with him.
The same, old wounds ached. Whoever said time healed was full of shit. She felt the same, cruel stab now as deeply as she had then.
She turned her face and covered it with her hand, pretending to rub at her eye.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did I do something?” he asked.
She swallowed a sob.
Adam pushed up, separating their bodies. She shivered at the chill cooling the sweat dampening her body.
She rolled off the sofa and onto her feet, fleeing into the tiny bathroom. She turned the tap on to drown out her tears and grabbed a hand towel, covering her face with it.
“Heidi?” Adam knocked on the door.
“Go away.”
The door cracked open.
She leaned her shoulder against it and twisted the flimsy lock into place. A single plank of wood wasn’t enough to separate them. This was why she tried to keep at least five states between them. It was the only thing that helped combat the sense of loss.
Heidi caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, face flushed, tears on her cheeks. She slid to the floor and sat on the bathmat, her back against the vanity.
Two large shadows broke the line of light under the door.
Adam’s feet.
He was right there, but it didn’t do them any good. They might as well be a world apart for all the good being in the same room did to them.
Adam’s shadow shifted and his footsteps thumped away from her.
She closed her eyes and breathed into the washrag.
He was always leaving her, never staying.
She’d been a fool too much in love with the idea of them when they got married. Now she knew better. When this was over, when she figured out what the next step was for her, she’d make sure it didn’t include Adam. She couldn’t live the rest of her life a prisoner to a man who didn’t want to be with her.
The shadow returned, but without the heavy thump of his boots. Had he taken them off?
She reached up and turned the faucet off in time to hear rustling fabric and a metallic jangle hitting the porcelain floor tiles.
Was he sitting on the other side of the door?
Why?
To what purpose?
She pulled her knees up to her chest and stared at the door.
He was right there, and yet he’d never willingly talk to her or let her in. She battered her way into his life, spilling her heart to him, and he’d accepted it. He was here, and yet she felt just as alone as when they were on opposite sides of the globe. They might have killer chemistry and fantastic sex, but she couldn’t live with just those needs met. She wanted more.
Heidi didn’t know how long she sat there. Eventually the tears stopped and numbness set in. Her feet grew so cold she could barely feel them, and there was a permanent impression of the cabinets against her back. Adam never spoke, and neither did she.
Were they here because of her? Because she’d latched onto him and left him no option? Had she forced her way into his life at every turn? Had he ever wanted her? Or was it all about the sex?
A soft tap on the door directed her gaze to the shadow of two feet on the other side of the door once more.
“I’ll give you space. I’ll be outside if you need me.”
Fresh tears prickled her eyes. She covered her mouth and bent her head forward. Adam would never fight for them. He wouldn’t demand her time because he didn’t want to be bothered with her. She’d merely been his good deed.
The suite door opened and closed.
She was alone.
Again.
As always.
Heidi buried her face in her hands and wept a fresh wave of tears, but only for a moment. She couldn’t grieve right now. There was too much stuff going on, things to make right, to focus on that.
She got to her feet and splashed water on her face. It didn’t help her appearance, but she felt better for it.
That done she peered out of the bathroom into the rest of the empty suite.
No Adam.
That fact hurt, even though she’d heard him do what he always did, leave.
Heidi made it to the sofa before her chilled feet gave out and she sat down on the cushions.
She didn’t want to be alone. Not right now, and the only person she could talk to was John. She grabbed the room phone and dialed the desk. After some badly butchered Spanish and English, they connected her to the neighboring suite and to her life line. The older man had become a close friend. Someone she trusted with even the messy parts of her life.“Heidi?” John’s voice was a balm to her ragged soul. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled.
“What happened? What did he do to you?”
“It’s more like, what do we do to each other?” Heidi curled her legs under her and laid her head on the throw pillow, at a loss for what else to say.
“Talk to me,” John begged.
“Have you ever loved someone who hurt you?” She glanced at the door.
“I have.” John sighed.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispered.
“Love...isn’t always the guiding force we need. Sometimes what we need is different.”
H
eidi closed her eyes. The words were sound but her heart wasn’t listening.
She still loved Adam, and that pain was going to destroy her.
4.
SATURDAY. CHINCHA ALTA, Peru.
A knock on the van’s window startled Adam from sleep. He pushed his hat up and peered at the figure standing outside in the pale, morning light.
Kyle’s frown was a line of darker shadow.
Great.
Just what Adam needed. More questions.
He unlocked the door and pushed it open.
“I’m not going to ask.” Kyle tapped his knuckles on the van.
That was the best thing anyone had said to him since before beginning this trip.
“Zain and Abigail were able to make some connections. Come on.” Kyle turned and strode toward the other suite about twenty yards from Heidi’s crash pad.
Adam got out of the van slowly, his muscles protesting after hours in that damn seat. He’d tried telling Kyle that putting him in the same room with Heidi was a bad idea, but Kyle was determined to give them the opportunity. She’d made it pretty clear after years of avoiding Adam that she wanted nothing to do with him. What had happened when they stopped talking, well, that was historically how things went down when they were tossed together.
He caught up with Kyle halfway across the lot.
“How’s your dad?” Adam asked.
“Not good.” Kyle grimaced and glanced away. “He won’t live till the end of the year.”
Kyle rarely said much about his old man. Adam had met the guy once. It’d left an impression on him, and not a good one. He had to wonder if things hadn’t gotten bad until he was in his latter years, or if he’d always been this way. For Kyle’s sake, Adam hoped it as a new development.
They entered the suite that had become the team’s headquarters. A couple spare beds did double duty as work stations since counter space was at a premium.
“Hey, lover boy.” Riley grinned at him.
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