Ellie laughs. “It’s okay, Flynn. That just means we’ll get to where you’re going that much quicker. No need to get upset about it,” she said.
I look at my watch. Ellie puts her hand over it and I pull away.
“Stop it!” I tell her, feeling mad again.
“Stop looking at your watch. It’s okay if it takes us a little longer. What’s the big deal?”
I point at my watch and the list of times Mom had made. “It was supposed to take four minutes! Not three!” I yell. Why can’t she see it?
Ellie takes the paper and looks at it. “Is this for real?” she asks and I don’t understand what she is saying.
“I’m supposed to be at the purple mailbox in three minutes. See,” I said, pointing to the paper, still feeling upset.
Ellie is frowning again. I like it better when she smiles.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asks me and my stomach twists up. Everyone always asks me that. I don’t understand why they ask me that.
“I have to get to the purple mailbox,” I said, taking the paper from her hands and folding it back up along the creases.
Ellie walks beside me. I don’t want her asking me that question again. That question makes me angry and worried.
“There’s the purple mailbox,” Ellie said and her voice is funny. I look at my watch and am happy to see it has taken three minutes just like Mom said it would.
“Five minutes and I’ll be home,” I said, feeling good. I like being at home.
“Can I come with you?” Ellie asks and she makes a strange noise. Like she is trying to cough up something.
“Stop making that noise. My dog makes that noise when he’s swallowed a bone. Did you swallow something?” I ask her.
Ellie shakes her head. “You say the craziest shit, Flynn. No, I didn’t swallow anything. I was just hoping we could hang out for a while.”
“Does that mean you’re my friend now?” I ask. I hope she is my friend. I want a friend. And I like Ellie. Except when she is mean. Then I don’t like her at all.
Ellie kicks something. “Yeah. I guess so. I’ll be your friend if you want.”
I smile at her. “I really want you to be my friend, Ellie,” I said.
And Ellie is smiling again and I know she is happy.
“I think I like you too, Flynn. Even if you say a lot of weird crap.”
“I’ll try not to say weird crap,” I said. I want her to be her friend. I don’t want to say weird crap and make her mad at me.
Ellie laughs and I smile bigger. “I like when you say weird crap, Flynn. It’s sort of funny.”
“Don’t laugh at me. I don’t like that,” I said, worrying that she’ll start being mean again.
“No Flynn. I won’t laugh at you. Only with you. Cool?”
I don’t know what she means but I can tell she isn’t laughing at me so I feel okay.
“You can come to my house. You can have some of my mom’s banana bread. She makes it every day for me,” I tell her; happy she wants to come with me.
“Your mom makes you banana bread every day?” she asks me.
I nodded. “Every day. It’s my favorite.”
Ellie is quiet again. I look at my watch. Three minutes until I will be home.
“Can I stop to pick some flowers?” Ellie asks, pointing at the yellow flowers on the side of the road.
“I have to get home,” I tell her, crossing over the wooden bridge that leads into the woods by my house.
I know where I am. I like knowing where I am.
Ellie stops following me. I look down at my watch. I have two minutes. But I don’t want to leave Ellie by herself.
So I stop. I cover my watch with my hand so I can’t look at it. And I wait for Ellie while she picks the yellow flowers with the black dots in the middle.
I am going to be late. I have two minutes.
But I won’t leave Ellie by herself.
She comes back and starts walking with me. She holds the flowers and twists the stems together into a knot. She isn’t smiling anymore. Her mouth is turned down again.
Then she throws the flowers into the stream by the road. Why did she pick them and then throw them away?
“Why did you do that?” I ask, pointing to the flowers in the water.
“They’re too pretty,” she said.
“Like you,” I tell her. And that makes her smile. I am glad I said it.
She looks at me and I drop my eyes. I can’t look at her. It makes me feel strange.
“I’m too pretty?” she asks, her voice rising but she is still smiling.
I nod. “You’re beautiful.”
It is true. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Much prettier than the lady on television that reads the news. She makes me feel funny inside too. But Ellie is prettier. She makes my stomach turn. I like her.
I don’t look at her though. I have to get home. I should have been home one minute ago.
But then Ellie takes my hand. I try to pull away but she won’t let me. I don’t want her to touch me. But she won’t let go.
Her fingers go between mine and it feels really strange. I don’t like people touching me. But I think I like Ellie touching me. My stomach turns again and I feel a tingling lower in my body. I have never felt that before. I don’t know what it is. It makes me nervous.
“I like you, Flynn. A lot,” she said and I look up at her. She isn’t looking at me but she is still smiling.
“I like you too, Ellie,” I said and she squeezes my hand and then drops it. My fingers curl up and I hate that she wasn’t touching me anymore.
I like it.
I like her.
A lot.
And she likes me.
I am happy.
-Ellie-
“So my lease is up at the end of November and my landlord said he’s renting it out to someone else,” Dania was saying as I counted the money in the cash register at the beginning of my shift.
I hoped my friend would leave soon. I had three chapters of reading for my English class that I had hoped to finish this evening. I then had to write a five-page essay. I was strangely excited to get started. I was finding that I loved my college class.
After I had gotten over my initial feelings of inadequacy I was able to get into the experience. And even though Casey and the others kept their distance I was too engrossed in the lessons to care about the looks I still received.
I had even done something crazy. I had spoken with the financial aid lady about whether I could afford to take more classes next semester. She had looked into it and said that the state would pay for me to take four classes. That would make me a full time student at Black River Community College.
I never thought I would be full-time anything other than possible jail inmate or JAC’s employee.
We had talked too about the possibility of my transferring to a four-year school after next semester. I had immediately shut that conversation down. While I was making the step to even consider continuing my education at the community college, talking about going on to an actual university had me close to a panic attack.
I just wasn’t emotionally ready for that kind of preparation and commitment. I was only now getting used to the idea that perhaps there was more for me than minimum wage and the prestigious honor of being Jeb’s employee of the month.
My bag toppled over, my textbook falling out onto the floor. I hastily kicked it under the counter before Dania could see it and start asking questions. I wasn’t ready to hear her unsupportive opinion.
I tried to give Dania my full attention. I couldn’t help but notice that she wasn’t looking very good. Her skin was chalky and she had dark circles under her eyes as though she hadn’t been sleeping well. Her long, dark hair, normally glossy and full of body, was lank and dull.
“So what are you going to do?” I asked her, knowing that problem solving wasn’t Dania’s strong suit. I knew I would be called on to help fix her situation. It’s what I had always
done.
So why was I now feeling slightly resentful at her inability or unwillingness to figure this stuff out on her on?
Dania shrugged, grabbing a beef stick from the glass jar and peeling the plastic back. She took a bite and gagged, dropping it on the counter. “That tastes awful!” she blanched.
I picked up her discarded snack and put it in the trash. “Try one of these. You’ll like it,” I said, handing her a raspberry flavored sucker.
She popped it into her mouth and smiled around the candy. “Thanks, Ells,” she said, smiling genuinely.
She hopped up onto the counter, letting her legs dangle. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve got nowhere else to go. I don’t know why Mr. Lewis is being such an asshole! How can he go to sleep at night knowing he’s kicking a pregnant woman out on the streets?” she fumed.
I could hazard a guess as to why Mr. Lewis was more than eager to see my friend find somewhere else to live. Dania’s penchant for not paying rent probably made it pretty easy for him to toss her on her backside.
But I’d never tell her that. “I can help you look for a place if you want,” I suggested less than eagerly, closing the register and switching on the security monitor.
“Or…” Dania began, giving me a look I knew all too well.
It was a look that meant only trouble.
For me.
“Or what?” I prompted.
“We could look for a place together. It would be like old times, Ells! Come on!” Dania urged, her face lighting up.
I suppressed the urge to groan. The last thing I wanted was to share a space with my best friend. Aside from her inability to pay her bills, her penchant for bringing home random men and excessive amounts of recreational drug and alcohol use didn’t make her an ideal roommate.
Even though she had been the only person to help me out after I had come out of juvie, it wasn’t a time in my life I cared to repeat. I had hated living with her. Aside from the reasons already mentioned, she was also a bitch to deal with on a regular basis. I could handle her dramatics and mood swings when I had my own space to disappear to at the end of the day. Being around her 24/7 could very well push me over the edge.
When I didn’t answer with equal enthusiasm, Dania’s face clouded darkly. “I get it. I help you out when you need it but I shouldn’t expect it in return. That’s fine. At least I know where our friendship stands.”
She was angry. And angry Dania was an irrational and scary Dania.
“Don’t be like that. I’ve just worked really hard to get my own place. You know that. I don’t do well living with other people. Having to share a room for my entire life makes me possessive of my own space,” I tried to reason. But Dania wasn’t listening.
She hopped off the counter. “I’m in a fucking bind here, Ellie. You think I want to have to grovel at your feet for help? But I have nowhere to fucking go! I’m almost five months pregnant!” She poked her belly hard. “What the hell am I supposed to do if my own best friend won’t help me out?” Her voice had become shrill and borderline hysterical.
“Of course I’ll help you, Dania. Don’t be stupid,” I said, feeling the familiar exhaustion of having to deal with her temper tantrums setting in.
“Don’t make me your charity case, Ellie!” she spat, knocking a canister of gum off the counter, sending it crashing to the floor.
“I’m just the knocked up idiot! The view must be great on that pedestal your fat ass is sitting on,” she sneered. “It must feel good to be able to look down your perfect little nose at the rest of us. Did you forget that I know you? I know all of your ugly secrets? I was there when you sucked off half the football team for a line of coke!” I grimaced. Nothing like having your worst mistakes flung in your face by the person who was supposed to be your best friend.
She was going in for the kill. And when Dania was pissed, she was cruel. She didn’t care about the consequences or effects of her words.
“Or in your efforts to be better than the rest of us did you forget about slashing the gym teachers tires after you told him you loved him and he turned you down?” God, did she have to bring that up?
It hadn’t been my finest hour. But I had been young and desperate for attention. And the hot, young gym teacher had been sweet and attentive. He had been nice about it when I declared that I was in love with him and that he should leave his wife for me. But I had been devastated. I was only fourteen for crying out loud.
And it had been Dania who suggested that we trash his car. She stood there while I took a switchblade to the walls of his brand new tires. She handed me her house key so I could scrape it down the pretty red paint job. But she took off when the principal came out into the parking lot. And I was the one left to take the fall.
Dania’s memory was selective at best. She remembered things in a way to make it easier for her.
But she didn’t mess around. She was digging her claws into every single wound and ripping them open.
“Or how about that fucking freak you used to hang out with? Did you conveniently forget what you did to him?” she shrieked. I needed to calm her down. Of course she chose to lose it when there were actual customers in the store.
A little, white haired lady was glaring at a seething and venting Dania.
“Dania, stop it!” I hissed, coming out from behind the counter. She slapped my face when I tried to get close to her.
“I hate you, Ellie McCallum! You’re the worst friend ever! How could you turn your back on me when I’m like this?” she screamed, beating her fists on her stomach. She was unraveling quickly.
I grabbed her by the upper arms and gave her a firm shake. “Calm the fuck down, Dania! Right. Now!” I demanded. She shook her head, her dark hair flying. And then like a switch had been flipped, she wasn’t raging anymore. She crumpled into a heap on the floor and started sobbing.
The white haired lady gave my friend a look of disgust and quickly left the store. I hurried to the door and flipped the closed sign.
I returned to Dania who hadn’t moved from the ball she had curled in. I was unfortunately too used to her meltdowns. They had been occurring with more and more frequency since she had gotten pregnant. Dania was volatile on a good day. Pump her full of hormones and you had a level ten detonation.
I realized as I helped her to her feet that at some point in the past year I had grown increasingly tired of Dania’s dramatics. Of her selfish and narcissistic behavior. It was easy to excuse when we were young and stupid. But now that were staring adulthood and all the responsibilities that entailed in the face, I was less willing to excuse her craziness.
That’s just Dania didn’t really cut it anymore.
But I still found myself helping my borderline psychotic friend to her feet.
“Stop crying, Dania. We’ll figure something out!” I told her firmly, needing her to snap out of it so I could get back to work.
“You’ll help me?” Dania asked, instantly brightening.
I nodded, knowing I had been played. How often had she flipped out in the past to get her way? Someone hadn’t grown out of the toddler tantrum phase apparently.
She’s my friend. She’s the only family I have. She helped me; I have to help her.
I repeated this over and over again, hoping it would erase some of the growing irritation I felt toward her. And it did. Somewhat.
I didn’t have anyone. But I had Dania. Whether I really wanted her or not.
“Of course I will. Now I’ve got to clean this up,” I admonished her gently. Dania rubbed her red eyes with her hands and just like that she was fine.
“Yeah, sorry about that,” she giggled and I wanted to strangle her for her self-involved indifference.
I bit down on my frustrated sigh and cleaned up the mess while Dania hopped back up on the counter and started talking about the places she knew would be just perfect for us to move into.
I pulled out my essay that I had somehow been able to finish in between dealing with
Dania and agreeing to take the closing shift at JAC’s the night before. I had come to the college campus two hours early so I could type up my sloppy hand written paper.
I passed it up to Casey, who had obviously forgiven my outburst a month earlier. We were never going to be best buddies, but I could talk to her without growling and Casey could look at me without looking like she wanted to run away.
“What did you end up writing about?” Casey asked as I handed her the rest of the papers from the people behind me. We had been reading Nathanial Hawthorne’s Young Goodman Brown. I’d really enjoyed it and I had gotten into my topic.
“I ended up writing about the role of Satan,” I told her quietly.
“Wow. That’s good! I just did a plot analysis. It totally sucked.” Casey made a face. I didn’t respond.
I was hesitantly pleased with my paper. I think I had done a good job, but considering the chaos of my evening I couldn’t be sure. I hated that I wanted to focus on this. That I really wanted to give it a shot, but it seemed like everything else in my life was determined to get in the way.
Dania had stuck around for another hour after her flip out. I had practically counted down the minutes until she left. By the time she went out the door she had somehow convinced me to go apartment hunting later in the week.
I didn’t want to live with her. I’d rather chew off my own arm. But somehow she made me feel that I owed it to her. Good to know her friendship was so conditional.
I had been more than eager to get to school the next day. Somehow, someway in the last month, Black River Community College had become my sanctuary. I was only there for four hours a week but it was enough to keep me going the rest of the time.
Being on campus, sitting in class, talking about things like symbolism and plot devices, I could put some distance between Ellie burgeoning college student and Ellie my life sucks and I’ll never get out of Wellsburg McCallum.
It had been almost two weeks since I had ended up at Flynn’s house. Two weeks and I watched and waited for him to pop back up at the most inconvenient moment.
Imagine my disappointment when it was almost as though he had vanished.
And that annoyed me. And it annoyed me that it annoyed me.
Reclaiming the Sand Page 9