“Calm down. It’ll be all right. I spoke to your dad about an hour ago and he was fine with picking her up. He sounded okay. Grouchy maybe, but he said that he’d go get her, and he sounded fine on the phone. Now quit worrying.”
“Fine. I’m going to go upstairs and get a shower before she gets home.”
I didn’t stay to argue any longer. When it comes to dad we just don’t see eye to eye. She’ll defend his sorry ass to the grave even though he is a drunk bastard. He’s not abusive, well not physically anyway. Sometimes when he yells at my mom I want to strangle him. I know that I can take what he dishes out to me, but she loves the man so much and he still talks to her like she is a dog. She excuses it because she says that he’s really stressed out and tired. Maybe she doesn’t realize that he has been out at the bar all night and has drank himself into a stupor. I laugh to myself just thinking about it. When he comes home from being out all night I try and get to him first so that he won’t say something stupid to momma. I know he won’t hit her, or at least he better hope he doesn’t. The screaming is bad enough and it always makes momma cry. He’d be stupid if he tried to lay a hand on me. He knows I will lay his ass out. I can take him. His bark is worse than his bite. I know that he’s nothing but a worthless piece of shit. Part of me hasn’t made plans to go away to college because I don’t want to leave my mom by herself with him.
He wasn’t always this way. It started about the time he joined the Barrett Firm, about two years after we moved here. Once he made partner, it was all downhill from there. The late night business meetings started, and soon after it turned into all night business meetings. Now we never know when he will decide to grace us with his presence. When he does show up he’s usually so drunk he can’t stand up. I’m so sick of it. Sick of him, and the thought of him alone with my girl makes me want to punch something.
I slammed the door to my bedroom and blasted my radio. I better text her to make sure he even showed up at all.
Moon- Hey Shine baby has my dad showed up to get you yet?
I snatched a pair of boxers from my drawer and some loose gym shorts off my bed. I sniffed them first. Smells clean enough. Looking at my phone, I expected a text back and there was nothing. I’ll try her one more time before I jump in the shower.
Moon- You gonna text me back or what? Where you at? I am just checking on you so text me back soon. K?
Tossing the phone back onto my bed, I grabbed my clothes and went to get a shower. I hadn’t been under the water five minutes when I heard pounding on the door.
“RYKER,” Mom yelled through the door. “OPEN THE DOOR.”
“WHAT IS IT?” I yelled back.
“OPEN UP, HURRY” She was practically screaming.
“What,” I yanked the door open. I was dripping wet and standing there in nothing but a towel. “Mom, what’s wrong?” My mother was crying and shaking. She was literally freaking out and unable to catch her breath. “Momma,” I pulled her too me. “What’s going on? Please talk to me.” I rubbed the back of her head.
“It’s, its, your dad.”
I grabbed her shoulders shaking her. I may have shaken her too hard, but I got her attention.
“We have to go to the hospital now. Your dad has been in a car accident.” She said frantically, but she never looked at me. She was obviously not telling me something.
“Oh God, where is Shine?” Mom sobbed really hard, and could barely speak. “Shine was with him. Wasn’t she? Is she okay? FUCK!” I yelled. “Let’s go now.” I hope she’s okay. Nothing can happen to my girl. She has to be okay. I was going to tell her that I love her tonight. I groaned and punched the wall so hard that I swear my knuckles broke.
“Ryker,” Mom said.
“I’m fine. Let’s go. He better hope like hell she’s okay. Come on.”
5
And a half
Shine
I don’t know how it happened or how I am alive for that matter. I can taste the blood on my lips that is running from my nose. We had to be going eighty miles per hour around that curve. The only thing I remember is screaming right before the car started to roll. My body is aching like one big headache and I can barely see. Only one eye is working properly because the other one is nearly swollen shut. Not from the wreck though, stupid bastard. Where is he? I slowly turned my head to the left. Well, my neck ain’t broke, good to know. I see him and I know. He is dead. I won’t tell you how I know, but I do. The sight is unforgettable. Oh fuck! That was all I could say before I started to vomit. I’m pretty sure I screamed, but I felt like I was watching everything from outside my body. So the screams may have only been in my head. Either way I couldn’t hold out the darkness any longer. I heard the sirens before I closed my eyes and let the darkness consume me. If I was leaving this earth at least I know that that son of a bitch died too.
6
Shine
I want to open my eyes, but I can’t. They feel so heavy. I hear a loud beeping nose and I swear that whatever it is I want to throw it through a window. I can feel someone’s hand in mine, and a sniffling sound like someone is crying. Who, I don’t know?
After several attempts my eyelids finally cooperate, but it’s so bright in here. Where am I? Why does it smell like Clorox and old people? I move a little and realize that I shouldn’t have done that. My body hurts like I’ve been beaten the hell up with a steel pipe or something.
“Shine baby, you’re awake, finally. You scared me I thought…. Well, I was scared to death I was gonna lose you too. I can’t lose you.” Moon cried as he dropped his head onto my chest.
The memories started to pour in, and I gasp for breath. It’s so vivid and real. The pictures flashed in my mind over and over. That bastard and his hands took away everything. My innocence was taken. I remember the wreck and I remember the way he looked. Oh geez. He is dead. The only other person who knows is dead. It will be my word against the dead guy and not just any dead guy, Moon’s father. I suppose I will be taking this with me to the grave.
He needs to quit touching me. I tried to push Moon off my chest, but I have little strength. I can’t budge him. He lifts his head from my chest and looks me in the eyes. He is so close to my face that I can feel his breath. I cannot look at those eyes any longer. Those eyes just may haunt me for the rest of my life. I could feel my chest starting to close and I couldn’t catch my breath. My lungs were fighting me every single step of the way. They were bound and determined to never let me breathe again. The tears slid down his face and the only words that I could get out of my mouth were “Go away” and I wanted him to do just that. To walk out those doors and let me die or whatever and never come back into my life again. It hurts so bad to look into the eyes of the man I love, and see the man that I hate.
He left just as the nurses came running in. The lady put the oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and after a few minutes I could breathe again. She also put some kind of medicine into the I.V. in my arm and almost instantly I felt relaxed and ready to sleep. Mom and dad rushed in and to my side. Mom held my hand while dad rubbed my head. I needed them. I needed them to know that I love them, but I need them to just back away right now. I don’t want to talk, or feel, or even live right now. I turned my head away from them and closed my eyes to go to sleep.
“Sleep princess,” dad said as he leaned in to kiss me. I flinched involuntarily and kept my eyes closed. “We will be here when you wake up.”
While I was in the hospital the memories kept flooding me until they consumed me completely. The nightmares started the second night and even after a very large sleeping pill I would still wake myself up in a screaming frenzy. His face was always there. I could even feel his breath on my neck. After switching my meds three times I think they finally found something strong enough to keep me from screaming. I didn’t tell them that the dreams were still happening, because there aren’t enough drugs in the world that could make them go away.
The doctor finally released me to go home. My injuries weren�
��t life threatening and I just wanted to be home and in my own bed, away from all the visitors. Four days is too damn long in a hospital. I wasn’t completely unscathed. I suffered one broken rib, a broken nose, and lots of scrapes and bruises. What a shame…. It looks like I will live after all, yippy. No one ever seemed to mention the enormous bruises on my inner thighs or the fingerprint bruises on my inner arms. I guess they didn’t look that hard, and I didn’t mention it. I hoped that once I got into the shower that his filthy marks would just wash right down the drain. I hoped the memory would drown too.
Being back home and in my own room seems to help a little. I am not crying as much and mom leaves my side now. There is still a constant reminder each time I look out of my window and see Moon’s bedroom close by. I wonder what he’s doing, and if he’s okay. He did have to bury his father and I know that wasn’t easy. Crappy father or not, I know that I wouldn’t want to bury mine.
Mom said that Lisa visited me once while I was asleep at the hospital. Mom said she feels so guilty, which she has no reason to. The blood tests from David showed that he had been drinking. Of course I already knew that, but that was information that I chose to keep to myself. She said that Lisa was a mess. I know that she is. I wish that I had enough strength to see her, but it would be too hard. I can’t face that woman. Not yet anyway.
Mom also said that Moon stayed in the waiting room all day, every day. He would not go home. I told both mom and dad that I don’t want to see him. I pleaded with them to make sure that they kept him away. They both argued with me, but in the end I won. I never told them why and I never will. I am unsure how the days will play out from here, but for now, I don’t want to see him. My face has not healed. The black rings around my eyes and my sunken features make me look like some hooker on crack. Healed or not, my heart and soul are both shattered into a million pieces. I am not certain that they’ll ever be whole again.
As the days passed, I stay confined to my bedroom. I only come out to eat and use the restroom, and I barely eat so you can imagine how many times I step foot outside the door. I ripped every picture off of my wall that first day back. There wasn’t a single picture hanging that didn’t have Moon in them. It hurts so bad to look at him even though I love him with all of my heart. Mom swears that if I talk to someone about what happened that I’ll feel better. Not gonna happen, she can talk until she is blue in the face. I don’t need to pay someone to tell me that I will overcome all obstacles if I just believe and blah, blah, blah.
The knock on my bedroom door lets me know that I am still among the land of the living, regardless if I want to be there or not. “What,” I answered.
“Honey, it’s mom, can I come in?” She asked and I groaned. Pretty sure that my eyes will soon get stuck behind my lids if I keep rolling them, but ask me if I care. She of course didn’t wait for me to answer she just walked right in, finding me in the same place she’d left me three hours ago. “Time to get up, don’t you think? It is such a pretty day. I was thinking maybe the two of us could have a girl’s day. I bet some nice sunshine would do you good.”
“I’m fine right here.” I looked away from her towards the window, hoping that she would take the hint that I don’t want company. I just wanted to be left alone.
“You’ve said that all week. If you were fine you wouldn’t be moping around in this house all day. Don’t you want to get out of this house for a while?”
“No, I told you that I am good right here.”
“How about we try talking about the accident then? Once you get it all off your chest I am sure that you will be good to go.” She sat down next to me on the bed.
“Mom, I have told you time and time again, that I don’t want to talk about that day ever again. Not as long as I live.” My voice was raised even though I was trying to stay calm. She just wouldn’t let up. She’s asked me every single day if I want to talk about it, and each time I tell her no, but obviously no to her means just ask me again tomorrow because I will certainly change my mind.
“Listen to me Shine. Your father and I are just worried about you. You’re barely eating and you sleep all the time, and you have shut out the one person whom you love most in this world. This is not you, Honey. I don’t know if this is some kind of post traumatic stress issue from the wreck or what. You are not any better mentally than the day that I brought you home. In fact, I think you’re worse. Your father and I talked about some things this morning. We feel like you are going to have to start getting out and getting your life back to normal or we are going to schedule you an appointment with a therapist.”
I am sure that the look on my face is priceless. “I can’t believe that you guys are acting like this, after all that I have been through. This is not just something that you wake up and get over. It takes time.” I was practically yelling at this point and of course the tears were pouring from my eyes. It never fails. My tear ducts are attached to my emotions.
“I know that you think that we are just trying to be mean, but I can assure you baby that it’s not our intention. We love you so much, and we just want you to get better.” I could not look at her. “I will give you some time to think about things. I wrapped your supper up and put it in the fridge just in case you get hungry, and we will be downstairs watching TV if you want to talk.” She didn’t wait for me to answer. She just walked out. It’s not like I would’ve have said anything anyway.
I only cried for a few more minutes. I just wanted to get everything off my mind, to just think about someone else for a minute. Being pissed off at mom and dad helped a little, because I was actually feeling something besides emptiness. If I was being honest with myself, then I would admit that the one person I always think about when I let my walls down is Moon. He must feel like I have completely let him down and that I am the world’s worst best friend. I would agree, but I can’t love someone with all my heart when my heart is shattered and I don’t even love myself.
For one brief sane moment, I allowed myself to look at my phone. I had kept it on the nightstand beside my bed, but left it on silent. I hadn’t looked at it since the day of the accident. I just felt like blocking them out was an easier task. I sure as hell don’t want to let them in. When the screen came on it was beeping with all sorts of text messages and voicemails. I contemplated whether I should listen to and read the messages, but wasn’t sure if I had the strength to do it. Holding it in my hand, I felt like I was overcoming an obstacle even if I hadn’t read a single message.
I was lost in thought when my phone started to vibrate. You could hear the loud vibrations as it rattled in my hand. “Crap,” I nearly jumped out of my skin. It was a text from Moon. I don’t know if I opened it because it was just habit or if it was because I wanted to see what he had to say, either way I may regret the decision.
Moon- Do you remember that day we met as kids? I have been thinking about it all day. That was the day that I met my best friend. Tell me you are still my best friend. I miss you and I don’t understand what I did. I lost my dad and my best girl all in one day. I am such a damn mess Shine! I need you and I know that you need me. Please! If I were there I would kiss you like I always do and tell you it will be okay!
I read the message twice before another one followed quickly behind it.
Moon- I gotta go help momma now, but I am not giving up on you. Know that when I look at the stars tonight I will think of you. You have to come back to me Shine! I need you.
The tears fell freely from my eyes. I swear, that damn boy. Geez, I love him so much that it hurts. That is why I can’t let him in. I just can’t. He can’t help me. If he actually knew the truth he would hate me forever. He would blame me for his father’s death and he would never believe me when I spoke the truth. It is best to let him think that I don’t want to see him. This way he will move on and find someone to love. Hopefully he will find someone who won’t be broken, and hopefully that someone won’t look at him and see the reminder of the very day she wants to forget. He deserve
s better than me.
7
Moon
I have been waiting for what feels like forever and I still haven’t heard from Shine; not one single word. She won’t have anything to do with me and I can’t for the love of all that is holy, understand why. I sat there at that hospital in that red uncomfortable chair for so many hours and never left, just to find out that she wanted nothing to do with me. I won’t ever be able to forget her face the day she told me to get out. She was so afraid, as if she’d seen a ghost. What choice did I have? All I could do was go. She obviously didn’t want me there with her, and now even after she is home I still can’t see her. It makes me want to punch something, but I have already put two holes in my bedroom wall and mom nearly shit, so I won’t be doing that again. I still have the bruised up knuckles to prove it.
Four grueling days and one nasty autopsy later, we finally got dad buried. I didn’t cry. Is that awful? I must be a pretty sick bastard to not even cry at my old man’s funeral. Mom nearly had to be carried away from the grave site and watch while everyone stared at her ungrateful son. Yep, that day went well. The morning of the funeral mom asked me to wear a tie and I fought with her about it. I didn’t want to wear the stupid ass tie. I made a big fucking deal about it and got her all upset. I didn’t do it intentionally. It just sort of happened and afterwards I felt like a douche. Maybe that’s the way that I deal with things, but I would have had everything under control had Shine been there. She has always been my back bone.
I promised momma that once she got dad’s things into boxes that I would get them moved down into the basement. Every day since the funeral I have carried one box. That is all she can manage to box up. We haven’t actually sat down and talked about it, and I don’t question it. She calls me down to move the one box and that is what I do. Every. Single. Day.
Moonshine Page 3