Quickly sitting down, I tried my best not to make any kind of eye contact with Moon. I knew all too well that his eyes were settled on me. The emotions were crashing into me so hard that I wasn’t sure I would be able to hang on much longer. Surely mom wouldn’t punish me for leaving early. It’s only my first day back, she can’t expect too much too soon.
I tapped my ink pen on my desk lightly, but even the constant beating sound wouldn’t help me breathe any better. The panic attack was starting. First there was a humming in my ears, which was never a good sign. Then I felt the tingling sensation all over my whole body. My heart was racing so fast that I felt like it could beat out of my chest. That feeling that you are about to die takes over in your brain and there is nothing you can do. You just hope that it consumes you quickly and without fail. Once the tunnel vision set in, it was all that I could do to breathe on my own. I remember the doctor telling me once that only I could make these feelings go away. He told me that I could control my panic attacks, but when you are so deep into one it is hard to believe that.
I was trying everything I could think of to snap out of it. I could hear what sounded like Moon’s voice talking, but it was a jumbled mess. It sounded more like a humming noise than actual words. I put my head onto the desk and closed my eyes tightly. Please, just go away.
9
Moon
When she walked into the classroom my first thought was that I couldn’t believe that she was here. I saw her car in the parking lot and saved her a seat, but I truly thought that maybe I was crazy. It sure seems that way lately. She looked lost and scared, but she was still the most beautiful thing in the room. Her long brown hair was straight and hung down the sides of her face. It looked like she was hiding behind it. I could hear people laughing around the room. I know one thing. I better not hear one single bad word spoken about her, or I swear that I will beat somebody’s ass.
Watching her was like seeing a deer in the road when your lights are shinning straight into his eyes. It’s a bad look. Come on Shine, you can do it. Put one foot in front of the other. I finally took a breath when I saw her walk towards me. God, I miss this girl so much.
When she finally sat down, I relaxed in my chair. Leaning back, I couldn’t help but stare at her. I didn’t want to take my eyes off of her because I was afraid she wouldn’t be there if I did. I watched as she nervously fidgeted with her pen and tapped it on her desk. She seemed so off, so different than I have ever seen her. I looked away only to find myself looking back. Just watching her was making me nervous. Something wasn’t right. I swear that I could hear her breathing. They were coming out fast and loud. She rubbed her good hand on the desk, while the other one was clenched tightly in a fist. It was almost like she was trying to keep herself together. Her face was as white as a ghost.
“Shine, are you okay?” I asked but she wasn’t responding. I leaned in a little closer and noticed that her eyebrows were scrunched together real tight. “Shine Baby, can you hear me?” I saw her eyes look up to meet mine, but there wasn’t anything in them. Her stare was blank and empty. What the hell? It scared the shit out me. I didn’t know what to do. Can I touch her? Can I help her? She put her head down on her desk and I jumped up from my seat. I kneeled down next to her and tried to talk to her once more, but still nothing. When her arm fell limply from the desk to her lap that was the last straw. I picked her up out of the chair and ran out of the room. I had to get her help, fast. I took her straight to the school nurse.
Mrs. Allen, the school nurse, had me lay her on the hard table in her office. Then she sent me back to her closet to get some cloths. I heard her yell back to me while I was in the closet to make sure that I wet them with some cold water from the faucet. I did what I was told as quick as I could. When I got back to Shine’s side I could already see the color coming back into her face. She looked better, way better. I handed Mrs. Allen the wet cloths and backed away a couple of steps. She was coming around and I knew she would be upset if I was the first person she saw when she opened her eyes.
“Why don’t you go on back to class? She will be fine now.”
“I don’t want to leave her here alone, and I don’t see how she can be fine after what I just saw her going through,”
Mrs. Allen looked at me through hooded eyes. “Honestly, it looks way worse than what it is. Okay?” She nodded her head in the direction of the door. “Now back to class.”
There was a slight hesitation in my step, but I did what I was told. I left her once again. Turns out I am pretty good at walking away.
I couldn’t go back to class so I texted Josh.
Moon- Hey man. I’m so over this day. I am ditching want to come?
Josh- I don’t have practice today. Hell yeah I do.
Moon- Good let’s get out of here. Meet you by my car if ten minutes.
Josh- Sure thing
“I take it that your first day back wasn’t a success?” Josh asked. He hopped in the front passenger seat of my Mustang.
My head rolled on the headrest until I was facing him. “You don’t even wanna know.” I let out a strangled sigh and started the car. “I need some fresh air, Man. I feel like I can’t breathe here.”
Josh was always there for me and has always had my back. He’s the type of person who would know what to say and when to say it. He never sugar coats anything. I can count on him for the most honest advice, but he wouldn’t tell me unless I asked. Good friends seem to be hard to come by, and I am sure as hell going to miss him being around after graduation. Who will keep me on the straight and narrow? Don’t get me wrong, Josh could party and he fights like a boss, but he has always tried hard to take the high road. Talent like his is hard to come by and he has big dreams.
“I got an idea,” Josh startled me out of my crazy thoughts. “Let’s stop by my house and grab some beer, and head out to Ol’ Man Rucker’s pond and get toasted. What do ya say?”
“We haven’t been there since last summer. You think we’ll get run off again?”
“I don’t plan on fucking with his cows again.” We laughed. “We were so drunk man. You remember Mr. Rucker running around and waving that fly swatter at us like he was gonna hurt somebody? It was so funny.”
“Yeah it was.” I remember it like it was yesterday. “He was searching for cows for days.”
“I knew that they would be scared of the air horn, but I didn’t think about them getting out of the fence. I didn’t even realize that the fence was broken. I thought they would just run but,” he was still trying to speak but could barely talk through his laughing.
“But what?” I asked. “You knew what you were doing. They took off running like a bat out of hell. It was the funniest thing ever. There had to be like forty of em’, but the funniest thing was when that cow made that loud moaning sound and you fell back into that big pile of cow shit. You should have seen your face.”
“Hey, that cow was coming after me.” He replied.
“It was not, but just remembering you elbow deep in cow shit is awesome. I don’t think I will ever forget it.”
“Glad I could make you laugh, man.”
It was a nice feeling to be able to laugh. I couldn’t remember the last time that I had just relaxed.
“So what do ya say? Are we going to the pond or what?” He asked.
“I’m down.” I peeled out of the school parking lot leaving nothing behind me, but smoke and the smell of rubber.
10
Shine
I made it through my first day back at school, barely. Spending the last half of my day in the nurse’s office wasn’t so bad. She asked me several times if I wanted to just go home for the day, but that wasn’t an option. I told her I felt most comfortable laying there and she allowed it, thank goodness. Once we got through her questions I felt much better. She was curious about my panic attacks, and it seemed she recognized what was wrong as soon as Moon brought me into her office. Not wanting to go into much detail, I just told her enough to keep he
r from calling my parents. She said that it would get easier as long as I was taking my medicine properly. Little did she know I had already taken two pills that day. Obviously the medicine was not going to be helping me, not in a situation this bad.
It must have looked really bad for me to be carried out of the classroom and into the nurse’s station. Thankfully this will add to my never-ending list of things that people will be discussing behind my back. I certainly didn’t want to think about the fact that Moon was the one who got me to the nurse safely. He is always the one who takes care of me, and it hurts me that I have to keep him at such a distance.
When I got home from school I went straight to my room. The third degree from my parents was the last thing I needed. I would have to lie and tell them how wonderful it was to see everyone; otherwise I would have an appointment with the crazy doctor first thing in the morning.
I sat my backpack down on my bed and turned on my stereo. Sometimes the quiet was hard for me to listen to. I just needed the noise to be louder than the voices in my head. I decided that I would spend my evening catching up on all the homework I had missed. The nurse sent one of the teacher’s aides around to collect all of my missing assignments because of course I felt too weak to do it myself. Now I have homework to last me for days and I couldn’t be more grateful.
Mom snapped me out of my thoughts when she came to tell me dinner was ready. I put a smile on my face and let her know that I would be right down. I could do this. I could play this part of the happiest daughter on the planet. I would only have to keep up the façade when they were around. This shouldn’t be too hard.
At dinner I told them about seeing the girls from the squad. It wasn’t technically a lie. I had seen Katie, and of course I told them about Moon. I tried not to go into too many details about him though. I am sure that my mom and his mom would be chatting it up before the week was out. They asked me several more questions and I breezed through them with a smile on my face, never faltering. Inside I was screaming.
Once back inside my room I was physically and mentally exhausted. It took more work than I thought it would to act like I cared, and sleep was calling my name.
The next several weeks seem to pass by with more ease. The doctor finally took the cast off my arm, and people at school finally gave up trying to talk to me. I guess they realized I wasn’t going to talk back, and classes became easier once people finally stopped laughing and taunting me. Once they found someone new to talk about, I was free and clear. I thought that Moon had finally given up too, but I was wrong.
It was Friday afternoon and I was about to leave school. I had already stopped by my locker and grabbed my things and was heading out to my car. It wasn’t until I was a few feet away that I looked up and noticed him standing there. He leaned up against my driver’s side door. He knew that I’d seen him so it was too late to pretend that I didn’t. Damn it. What do I do? I couldn’t just turn around and run even though I wanted to real bad. I stepped as close as I could to my car without hyperventilating.
“I know that you don’t want to see me or talk to me, but there is something I need to get off my chest. Seeing as you still can’t even look at me, I wrote you a letter. I was hoping that this would be a way that I could still talk to you.” He held the letter out in his hand waiting for me to take it, but I didn’t want to step any closer to him. Just being as close as we are now was making it difficult for me to breathe. I couldn’t deny my love for this man, but it’s just too difficult to be near him right now. It wasn’t just him either. I didn’t want to be near any man. It was just the hardest with him.
“Look,” he held up the letter for me to see. “I will just slide it right here under your windshield wiper. I hope that you read it. I will leave you alone now.” Never once did I make eye contact with him even as he told me bye.
I waited for him to leave before I let out the air I had been holding. Standing there, I waited until I thought he was out of sight before I took the letter off of my window. I climbed into my car and locked the doors, just as I did every single day. My hands were so shaky that I fumbled with the paper trying to open it. I wanted so badly to see what he had to say. Whether it was good or bad, I still had to know. The paper felt thick like there may be more than one page which would be unusual for Moon. Heck, the fact that he was writing at all was unusual to say the least. It must be really important if he’s taken the time to write it down. Shaking, I turned the corner down until it was completely unfolded. On the top of the page he had written, Dear Shine Baby and that was all it took for the tears to start to fall. I couldn’t read it here I had to get out of this parking lot and somewhere by myself before I could finish the letter.
I drove around town several times before I settled on a spot to be alone. I ended up parking behind the old drive-in theatre. The place was abandoned now, but Moon and I would sometimes find ourselves staking our claim here. It’s peaceful and the gravel was still in place where you could park and be alone. A lot of times Moon would bring me here on Friday nights after cheering for the night’s big game. We would lie back on the hood of the car and watch the stars. Sometimes he would even think to bring a blanket so that we could lie on the ground. It was a special place for us. We had shared some of our best talks here. Very few people ever came here, because the grassy areas were never kept up and the weeds had grown up around everything. I loved it here though. Moon had made us a path through the weeds that backed right up to his papaw’s farm. Once you passed the old empty silo you were on his papaw’s property. We would sometimes find ourselves walking that path more than once in a weekend. Right next to the silo was an old mill. Me, him, and Josh would sit down at the mill and drink sometimes on the weekends when there was nothing else to do. We made some amazing memories at this old place.
When I found my favorite parking spot, I put my car in park. I can do this, I thought to myself as I begin to read his letter.
Dear Shine Baby,
I have so many things I want to tell you that it is hard for me to know where to start. You are probably wondering what the hell I am doing even writing this letter to you to begin with. I can’t talk to you face to face so this is the next best thing. It has been so long since the last time I talked to you. I mean like old times. Lately, it seems like we will never be able to go back to that place and it scares me, but it’s not the reason I am writing.
I’m writing because you are sick and I know it. Your eyes look black and you’ve lost a lot of weight. You look lost inside that head of yours. Where are you? Where is my Shine? She is gone and I want her back. I’m scared that I’m going to lose you for good, the same way that I lost my dad. Please don’t do this. I feel like I am treading water and I am going to drown. I need you so bad. I have given you plenty of time, now I want you back in my life.
I realize now that we are both messed up and it’s because we haven’t been together. We have never spent this much time apart and it’s killing me. It looks like it’s killing you too.
You asked for time to let you heal, but you are not healing, you are getting worse. Let me help you. I want to so bad. I miss you. Can’t we just start small or something? I’ll take anything you want to give me.
Mom also wanted me to tell you that she has been thinking about you every day. She really wants to see you. I’m not sure but I think she thinks you are mad at her for some reason. I told her that you weren’t, but you know women. You don’t have to go see her. I know that that would be too hard for you, but maybe you could call her to just say hello. She told me just the other day that she feels like she lost her husband and daughter all in one day. What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I mean I want to fucking scream at you right now, but it wouldn’t matter if I did. You would only hate me worse. I don’t want to be mad at you, but a part of me is because you left me. What am I saying? I’m not mad; I just miss you so damn much that I can’t think straight. Do you miss me? I really hope you do.
I won’t bother you anymor
e. I just wanted you to know exactly how I was feeling. I hope that you will write me back or maybe even talk to me soon, but if not at least I’ll feel better knowing I told you.
Remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. You’re my best friend. Forever!!
Love,
Moon
I stepped out of the car and shut the door behind me. As bad as I couldn’t breathe before it was worse now. His letter touched my heart and he had no idea how much I missed him, but he couldn’t help me now. No one could help me. The tears fell down fast and hard. Before I knew what I was doing I had already walked half the path and was nearing close to the mill. Suddenly I realized that I wasn’t ready for that. Turning around quickly, I ran as fast as I could back to my car. I turned the stereo up as loud as it would go and pulled out of the parking lot at full speed. I would go home take a few extra pills and try to sleep away these feelings.
11
Moon
She didn’t realize that I followed her from school. I saw her pull into the old drive-in parking lot and my heart just about beat out of my chest. What was she doing here? I parked across the street at the Gas n Go hoping that she wouldn’t catch me. My mustang was loud and I cut the engine off as soon as I got it parked. Trying not to be seen, I slouched down in my seat. If she had seen me she didn’t let me know it. The minutes past by like hours and it was unsettling. It was like waiting in your room for your parents to come serve you your punishment. I wiped the sweat from my eyebrow and kept my eyes on her car. I was looking for any kind of movement.
Moonshine Page 5