by Mary Balogh
Under other circumstances she might have been /her/ child.
Dinner stretched over much of the evening since the conversation was lively. Crispin recounted some of his experiences in the wars, at the prompting mainly of Elliott, though his father was obviously proud of his exploits and wanted them known. And Lady Dew turned to beam at Margaret several times while her son spoke. "Can you believe, Margaret," she asked, "that this is the same boy with whom you used to romp as a girl? Has he not grown into a handsome man?
Despite the nasty scar, which gave me quite a turn when I first saw it, as you may imagine." "I can certainly imagine it," Margaret agreed, evading the other questions.
Most of the conversation was a mingling of news from home and reminiscences of the old days, when they had all lived in Throckbridge and its neighborhood – all except Elliott and Jasper, that was. But they appeared as interested as any of the rest of them.
Margaret soon relaxed, despite the presence of Crispin. It seemed that the Dews knew nothing of the rumors and gossip that had so disturbed her during the past couple of days. Crispin had not told /them/, at least.
She had come with Vanessa and Elliott. She expected to return with them, but Sir Humphrey was eager to offer their own carriage for her use, and Lady Dew joined her voice to his. They simply would not take no for an answer, she declared. It was the least they could do for one of the most admirable neighbors they had ever known. /She/ would never forget how dear Margaret had devoted half her youth to her sisters and brother, giving them as loving and secure a home as any children with both parents could ever desire. "And Crispin will escort you," she said, dabbing at the tears in her eyes. "Oh, no, indeed, ma'am," Margaret said in some alarm. "That would be quite – " "The streets of London are said to be teeming with footpads and cutthroats and other dastardly villains," Sir Humphrey said. "Crispin will certainly go with you, Miss Huxtable. Any scoundrel would take one look at /him/ and run as fast as his legs would carry him in the opposite direction." "It would be my pleasure, Meg," Crispin said.
So Sir Humphrey ordered the carriage brought up to the hotel doors, and Lady Dew beamed happily from her son to Margaret and back again. "This is /just/ like old times," she said. "I would be rich if someone were to give me a sovereign or even a shilling for each time Crispin walked you home from Rundle Park, Margaret, very often after /you/ had walked /him/ home from the village. And many times Vanessa and our dearest Hedley were with the two of you, and sometimes Katherine and our girls. Oh, they were /good/ times. How I wish they could be recaptured – or renewed, at least in part. Though we can never have Hedley back." She shed a few more tears while Sir Humphrey withdrew a large handkerchief from his pocket and blew his nose, and Vanessa set an arm about Lady Dew's shoulders and rested a cheek against the top of her head.
A short while later Margaret was returning home in the Dews' large, old-fashioned carriage, Crispin on the seat beside her. "Meg," he said when the carriage was on its way, "I ran into Sheringford in the park this morning. Did he tell you? Have you seen him today? He told me he would give me a poke in the nose if he were not already quite notorious enough, and he proceeded to lecture me on the etiquette of holding my tongue when a lady had requested it of me and of doing all in my power to see that she and her words and actions were never held up to public scrutiny and public judgment. The nerve of the man! After what he did to Miss Turner and Mrs. Turner! Tell me you are not really betrothed to him, despite what you said at the ball and despite the fact that he was at the theater with you and your family last evening. There has still been no announcement in the papers. Don't let it happen, /please/.
Marry me instead." Lord Sheringford had said nothing this afternoon about the meeting in the park. He had scolded Crispin – on her behalf. And yes, it did seem a little like the case of the pot and the kettle, but all that business with the Turner ladies had happened five years ago. She was growing mortally sick of hearing about it. Five years ago Crispin had married his Spanish lady – Teresa. "Why did you do it?" she asked. "Why did you marry her, Crispin?" He leaned back away from her, into the corner of the seat. "You must understand, Meg," he said. "I had been away from you a long time. I was lonely. A man has needs that a woman is fortunate enough not to feel. I would have come back to you. I /loved/ you. But Teresa discovered that she was with child, and she was of a respectable family.
I could not simply pay her off or abandon her. I had no choice but to marry her. I never loved her. I loved /you/. I never wavered in that devotion. I still love you. But you must understand that you had set me an impossible task. You asked me to wait too long. You did not need to stay with your family. Vanessa was not much younger than you were." "Why did you not write to me?" she asked.
The Earl of Sheringford, she was thinking, made no excuses for what he had done. He admitted everything even though he needed her to think well enough of him to marry him and rescue him from penury and the loss of his home. "I wrote a hundred letters," he said, "and crumpled them all up and threw them in the fire. I knew I would be breaking your heart. I wrote to my mother. I thought she was more likely to break it to you gently." Margaret said nothing. "/Was/ your heart broken?" he asked. "/Mine/ was, Meg. Having to marry Teresa was cruel punishment for a few stolen moments to alleviate my loneliness." "Was she the only woman with whom you soothed your loneliness?" she asked. "Meg!" he exclaimed. "How am I expected to answer /that/?" "With a yes or a no," she said. "/Was/ she?" "Well, of course not," he said. "I am a /man/, Meg. But it would not have happened if you had been there. It /will/ not happen if you marry me now. Do it. Send that scoundrel on his way and marry me. Don't punish me any longer. Don't continue to punish yourself." The carriage had stopped moving. They must be outside Merton House already. The coachman did not open the door. "That is what you are doing, you know," he said, sitting forward again and taking one of her hands in his. "Punishing yourself. If you marry Sheringford, it will be to spite me. But then you will find yourself in a marriage that may last for the rest of your life. I was fortunate to be set free of mine after only four years. You may not be so fortunate.
Don't do it, Meg. Don't." He squeezed her hand tightly and bent his head to kiss her hard on the lips. His free hand came behind her head and held it while he kissed her harder still.
Oh, she had forgotten. He had always kissed her with almost bruising urgency. He had made love to her the same way in a secluded corner of Rundle Park the day before he left to join his regiment. It had been swift and hard and painful and had left bruises. But her need for him on that occasion had been just as desperate.
Oh, it was all a lifetime ago. Except that he kissed the same way now – or tonight, at least.
She set a hand against his shoulder and pressed firmly until he lifted his head and loosened his hold on her hand. "After you married, Crispin," she said, "my heart /was/ broken. I will not deny it. But I did not slip into a sort of suspended life, a life that would be forever gray and meaningless if you did not somehow come back to me. I put back the pieces of my heart and kept on living. I am not the woman I was when I was in love with you and expecting to marry you. I am not the woman I was when I heard that you were married. I am the woman I have become in the five years since then, and she is a totally different person. I like her. I wish to continue living her life." It was true too. Though there was a terrible ache in her throat. "Let that life open to include me again, then," he said. "I need you, Meg. I am lonely without you. And I /know/ you still love me. You knew I was back in England. That was why you betrothed yourself to Sheringford, was it not? You picked the very worst man you could find. Perhaps you did not even understand why. But I do. You did it so that I would come and rescue you. You did it because you were angry with me and wanted to punish me and bring me back to you. Ah, you did not have to do that, Meg. I was coming anyway." "Crispin," she asked him, "when was the last time you had a woman? I mean lay with one?" The new Margaret – the /very/ new one – was far bolder than the old. But even the new Marg
aret was horribly shocked by the question she had just asked. Anger was deep in her, though. And grief. "I am /not/ going to answer that," he said, sounding as shocked as she was. "That is /not/ the sort of question a lady asks, Meg. I can't /believe/ – " "/This/ lady just asked it," she said. "/When/, Crispin? Some time during the past week?" "That need not concern you at all," he said. "Good Lord, Meg, that – " "Then you can not be very lonely," she said. "I am lonely for /you/," he told her. "There will be no one else once I have you, Meg." "Or no one else I would ever know about, anyway," she said. "Crispin, this has been a lovely evening. Your parents are as warm and hospitable as they have ever been. Let us not spoil it. I am tired. Will you give the coachman the signal to open the door and set down the steps?" He sighed and released her hand before rapping on the front panel. "Think about what I have said," he told her after he had handed her down from the carriage and Stephen's butler was holding the door of the house open. "Don't marry Sheringford to spite me, Meg. You will end up spiting only yourself." "Crispin," she said, "you flatter yourself. Good night." He jumped back into the carriage and sat looking straight ahead while the coachman put the steps up again and closed the door.
Margaret went into the house before the carriage drew away from the steps.
She was very agitated. Quite upset really.
He still had the power to stir her emotions.
But the emotion she felt most was anger – and that terrible grief.
Lord Sheringford had been quite right about him. He /was/ weak. She could not like anything he had said tonight about himself.
But he was still Crispin. She had loved him.
Ah, /how/ she had loved him.
She trudged up to bed though she did not believe she would be able to sleep.
After twelve dry years, she had been kissed twice today – by different men.
Both of whom wished to marry her.
Neither of whom was a particularly desirable mate.
But only one of them would admit it.
Mrs. Henry, Duncan's Aunt Agatha, had not sent him an invitation to her soiree, but she surely would have done, he reasoned, if he had been in London when she sent out the cards. He had always been a great favorite with her, perhaps because she had had six daughters of her own but no sons.
Her greeting was not particularly effusive, though, when he arrived in the middle of the evening with Margaret Huxtable on his arm. "Oh, goodness me," she said as soon as she saw him, looking more dismayed than delighted, "Duncan! How very – " She did not complete the thought, but raised her eyebrows before taking his offered hand in both her own and laying her cheek against his. "Well, never mind. My soiree is certain to be talked about tomorrow and perhaps for the next week or two, and no hostess could possibly ask for more, could she? Besides, you are my nephew." She turned to smile warmly at his companion. "Miss Huxtable," she said, "what a lovely shade of rose red your gown is. Of course, you have the coloring for it. And so you have taken on my scamp of a nephew, have you? I do commend your courage." "Thank you, ma'am," Miss Huxtable said. "I was delighted by my invitation to your soiree." She /had/ received an invitation, it seemed. And yet, Duncan thought, she had not been in London much longer than he, had she? Had his aunt really not wanted him here, then? It was a humbling thought.
But she was turning away to greet another group of new arrivals. "I suppose," he said, offering his arm to Miss Huxtable and covering her hand with his own when she set it on his sleeve, "we had better proceed to make the evening memorable for my aunt. All eyes appear to be upon us already, as you may have observed. One grows almost accustomed to it. Do you enjoy being notorious?" "Not at all," she said. "But I am not. Why should I be? I have merely accepted the escort of a gentleman to a soiree for which I received an invitation." Her chin was up, he noticed. There was a slight martial gleam in her eye. "A gentleman who is actively wooing you," he said, dipping his head closer to hers and looking directly into her eyes. "And I see two of my cousins over there. I really ought to go and make myself agreeable before Susan's eyes pop right out of her head." They crossed the room, and Duncan introduced Miss Huxtable to Susan Middleton and Andrea Henry, two of Aunt Agatha's daughters. "Oh, not /Miss Henry/ any longer, Duncan," Andrea protested. "I am Lady Bodsworth now. Did you not hear? I married Nathan two years ago." "Did you indeed?" he said. "Fortunate Nathan. But you did not invite me to the wedding? How unkind of you. I must have been off doing something else at the time." She bit her lip, her eyes dancing, and Susan laughed outright. He had always been as great a favorite with his girl cousins as he had with his aunt – a partiality he had always returned. They had been jolly girls, always up for a lark. "I cannot /believe/," Susan said, "that you have come back to London, Duncan. Though I am /very/ glad you have, I must say. I never could abide Caroline Turner, as you may remember my telling you before you betrothed yourself to her." "You really ought not to have come to Mama's soiree tonight, though, Duncan," Andrea said. "Not without consulting her or one of us first, anyway. Any one of us would have advised against it. If I were you, I would not stay longer than a few minutes. Miss Huxtable, I /do/ admire your gown. The color is divine. It would not suit me, alas – I would fade into pale nothingness inside it. But it suits you to perfection." "Thank you," Miss Huxtable said.
Duncan turned to look about him.
His aunt's home was admirably suited to a party of this nature, consisting as it did of a line of connecting rooms spanning the whole length of the house – drawing room, music room, library, and dining room.
The doors of each room had been folded back tonight so that guests could move from one room to another as if they were all one.
The drawing room was already almost uncomfortably crowded with guests.
Someone was playing the pianoforte in the next room. "Shall we go and listen?" he suggested to Miss Huxtable, indicating the door into the music room. "Oh, I would not if I were you," Andrea said, but Miss Huxtable had already set a hand on his sleeve. "Oh, dear, this /is/ awkward." They passed through the first door to find a group of people standing about the pianoforte, which was being played with more than usual competence by a very young lady in pale pink. Merton was standing behind the bench, turning the pages of music for her. "Miss Weeding," Miss Huxtable explained. "She has real talent. She is also very modest. I am delighted that she has been persuaded to play tonight." They stood with everyone else to watch and listen, and attracted somewhat less attention than they had in the drawing room.
Except from Merton himself.
He spotted them after a minute or two and looked noticeably restless and uncomfortable until the music came to an end. He bent his head then to say something to Miss Weeding and came striding across the room toward his sister. "Meg," he said, "I have been waiting for you to arrive. I was afraid to come back home for fear I would pass you on the way and not realize it.
You must allow me to escort you home again without delay." He looked at Duncan for the first time, his expression tight and hostile. "You ought not to be here, Sheringford. I'll wager Mrs. Henry did not invite you." Duncan merely raised his eyebrows. "But she /did/ invite /me/, Stephen," Miss Huxtable said, "and so it is quite unexceptionable for me to be here, and Lord Sheringford too, I daresay. Mrs. Henry is his aunt." "/Turner/ is here," Stephen said, his voice low but urgent. "So are the Pennethornes." Ah.
Well, it was inevitable, Duncan supposed. They were in London for the Season, as was he, alas. They were bound to come face-to-face sooner or later. It had almost happened the evening before last, though the whole width of a theater had separated them, and Turner had made no move to force a confrontation. Instead he had run during the first intermission, which had seemed entirely in character. Tonight perhaps he would have no choice in the matter, unless Miss Huxtable wished to turn tail and run now before it was too late.
She was looking at him. "I suppose," she said, "that is what Mrs. Henry meant when she said her soiree would be talked about for some weeks to come. And what your cousin
s meant when they said you should not stay long or venture farther than the drawing room." "Will /you/ take her home, Sheringford, or shall I?" Stephen asked. "Do you /wish/ to leave, my lord?" Miss Huxtable asked, virtually ignoring her brother. She was looking closely at him.
He did actually. This was a very public place. And he was escorting the lady he hoped to marry, the lady who could rescue him from penury and the inability to give Toby the country home he had promised him after Laura's death. He was in company with dozens of people who thought the very worst of him and would spare him no sympathy whatsoever in any confrontation with Laura's husband – or with Caroline Pennethorne.
It really was not a pleasant thing to be hated. One might be blasГ© about it on the outside, but inside … Yes, he wished to leave. But there were certain moments in life that forever defined one as a person – in one's own estimation, anyway. And one's own self-esteem, when all was said and done, was of far more importance than the fickle esteem of one's peers. He would not turn away from this particular moment any more than he had turned away from the painful decision he had made five years ago.